wish someone would grab me and shake me and pound it into my head that I need to deal with this NOW, suck it up and stop being afraid. seriously I don’t know what I am so afraid of, im an adult I should be able to deal with this right? it’s a problem that I want to solve it all overnight, cant happen so its aggravating. I feel so fucking lost, so annoyed so confused. i been making compromises and sacrificing what I want for the benefit of other people all my life. I sacrificed my entire childhood for my mother, sacrificed my dreams and passions for my real dad, sacrificing my sanity and health by holding it all in, and for what? i keep thinking of what I could have been and where I could have been by now if it wasn’t for…... he took everything from me. i should stop thinking like that right? cant go back and change anything. Even thru all the bad years with the stepdad I always managed to think in my head that yea its bad now but it will be ok I just have to get thru one more day and someday id be out of here on my own doing what i want to do on my own terms, then i get out, excited for a new start, just tuck it all away so no one can see who i am or what i been doing to survive, first year out of the gate was wonderful, then it all got taken away from me AGAIN, my fresh start my freedom all gone in one weekend, so i tuck that away too and fuck up the next three years of school. oh sure i got by, i even graduated, but it wasnt good enough. I wasn’t good enough. I have NEVER been good enough for anything it seems cept for one thing. am i crazy to think i can pull myself up from this? I see a lot of good guys here who have been able to, who are so strong, who must think im a big pussy for complaning about this. i have no hope that ill be the same someday, i don’t know that im strong enough. i cant tell my mother it would break her heart, if i ever said anything to the stepdad he would only deny it, if I ever told my real dad he would be pissed at me, probly scream at me and demand to know how i could let such a thing happen, just like he did years ago like it was my fault like I had a choice, like i wanted to be this freak that i am. my mother will NEVER know how much of myself i gave away for her protection. why was it my job to protect her anyway? why did she bring that animal into our home? why didn’t she stay with my dad? why did she not notice the significant change in me? WHY IS SHE STILL WITH HIM? why did he pick me? i been down on myself for so long does it really matter anymore?

im really sorry for my negative attitude, sorry for complaining.

zak,

POWERFUL POST!!!!!

IT'S VERY BRAVE OF YOU TO GET THESE FEELINGS OUT!!!

YOU ARE NOT, I REPEAT NOT, A FREAK!!!

you are at the beginning my friend... we've all been there... there's a lot of pent up anger that needed to be let out and i'm very glad to see that you let it out...

yes, there are a lot of questions... some may never get answered BUT with time, you will get some of the answers and be able to heal...

one step at a time my friend... don't overwhelm yourself with trying to completely recover over night or take some magic pill that get rid of the issues... sorry, but recovery doesn't work that way...

it's a rollercoaster ride.. many ups and downs but i promise you it does get better... just don't give up... keep giving yourself the chance...

todd

thanks todd

Zak,
You are definately not a pussy for complaining. Many of us on here have felt the same way you are feeling right now. One of my biggest frustrations has been the fact that I just can't move past this issue. You may not realize it but you are well on your way to healing!!
Take care my friend,

Billy

Thanks for posting this, Zak.

It inspires me.

This is not a complaint-it is the truth.

Being physically independent is a start-being away from those who abused us.

Now comes being emotionally independent and free from a lot of the damage/consequences of our abuse.

With you on this road,

Jamie

No need to be sorry for complaining, it frustates me to no end that this happened to me and that its going to take a long time to cope with.

Keep letting your feelings out, its healthy

Jason

Zak i dnt see it as complaining i see it as part of letting your feeling out and be know thats what this site is about to let go of the past and looking to the furture. keep talking and sharing it part of recovery and healing

heal well my friend

James

I don't think you are a freak or a pussy. I am impressed at the level of self awareness and ability to express the confusion and anguish you are dealing with.