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#334375 - 06/22/10 01:04 AM Opening new doors
violapoet730 Offline


Registered: 06/21/10
Posts: 8
Loc: Oklahoma
Hello everyone,

It's comforting to see that there are others that want to give support to many who have been through similar experiences and maybe even trauma. Thank you all for making me feel welcome.

I currently live in Oklahoma but I am from Texas. My childhood was not bad at all, as far as my parents were concerned at least until I was 8 years old then, they divorced and I have never been close to my dad. I experienced my first abuse when I was about 6 or 7 years old. It was by my brother who was 5 1/2 years older. There was also one occasion where I was taken advantage of by my male cousin. My brother always knew how to play the 'intimidation game' on me because I was more shy and have a mild personality. His biggest tactic was the use of fear in order to coerce me to do things, whether it was a sexual act or anything else. In addition, he was a lot larger than me in body and strength so I knew that his threats of harming me could easily be realized. The first time, I was heavily groped and fondled as he attempted to put himself upon me... I started to cry and say no. This took him by surprise and he stopped. However, to my surprise this experience peaked my curiosity of what he was trying to do. I felt bad without knowing why but at the same time, my curiosity begged me to approach him about it. When I asked him about it, he told me that I was a big baby and ridiculed me for having cried. He said that he was trying to teach me what to do if I ever got an opportunity with a girl (yes, at 6/7 years old). I was unsuspecting...

Since we are half brothers, this did not happen consistently. As a matter of fact, it didn't happen again until I was 10 but this time it lasted almost until I graduated from high school. He went as far with me to the point of trying to penetrate me but I was too scared and resisted more to this attempt. I guess he was satisfied with some success at his manipulation tactics, and by this point I was liking the pleasure aspect of it and the curiosity of it all at the point of having an obsession with sex. Although, in the back of my mind, I always felt guilty and never saw my brother as an abuser which made it harder for me to hate. I was at the point where I welcomed the abuse.

Here I am now at 30 years old trying to sort through all of this. One of the hardest things was telling my mom about it only a year and a half ago because my brother was killed when I was 17 in a freaky relationship with a transsexual male that our family never knew about until his death. I couldn't have divulged my abuse to my mom then because I felt it was too hard for her and for me at the time. Holding it in and not ever having faced it that long was actually the hardest thing for me. I was in a vacuum of my thoughts and feelings. It has been trying and frustrating while sorting through the anger, betrayal, anxiety, sexuality...etc. An odd thing is that I never hated my brother and I never wanted any harm toward him. I truly loved him. Things are slowly but surely coming together in making sense of this but I have chosen an asexual life because of my experience.

Again, I am grateful for this site and I am sure that your thoughts and empathy will be transmitted as understanding as I continue on this site and look forward to coping and mending; maybe even healing.


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#334387 - 06/22/10 07:57 AM Re: Opening new doors [Re: violapoet730]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
Welcome Violapoet,

You will find understanding and empathy here on MS as you move forward on you path to coping, mending and strike the "maybe" even healing. It's good to have you join us, again welcome, VP. Earlybird

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

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#334388 - 06/22/10 08:03 AM Re: Opening new doors [Re: earlybird]
Pattycakes Offline


Registered: 05/23/10
Posts: 109
Loc: Canada
Violapoet,

you are in the right place. I found understanding and encouragement as the g/f of a survivor. You will find no less. The men here are nice, honest, genuine and understanding. They will be here for you at every step of your healing.

I wish you all the best in your recovery.

Sincerely,
Pattycakes

_________________________
If you judge people, you have no time to love them.-Mother Theresa




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#334434 - 06/22/10 05:49 PM Re: Opening new doors [Re: Pattycakes]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2435
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brother,

Welcome to MS. Here you will receive compassion, understanding & love, from your brothers (fraternal) & friends (in pain).

We all have been there, albiet in different ways & ages.

We have been into the depths of our soul & hell to.

We will listen to your cries, Help in your fears. And feel your tears.

Be, prepaired for the emotional roller coaster ride of your life...You are on your way Violapoet.

Heal well my brother, Violapoet, heal well.

'I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity."

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#334477 - 06/23/10 12:41 PM Re: Opening new doors [Re: petercorbett]
Regs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/03/08
Posts: 149
Loc: Oklahoma
Welcome, you are in the right place and you are not alone.

Regs

_________________________
WoR Sequoia Alumni, April 2010

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#334505 - 06/23/10 07:46 PM Re: Opening new doors [Re: Regs]
KingFred Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/23/10
Posts: 57
Loc: West Coast, USA
Hey Poet.
I'm sorry for why you're here, but glad you made it. Although I'm still relatively new too, everyone on here has proven to be supportive, caring, and genuine.
We're here for you Bud. Hit us up whenever you want (or need) to talk.

_________________________
Not particularly a fan of hugs. High fives and well wishes are always appreciated though.

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