My mind cast back recently to a man that abused me. I was thinking how all these years later how much I still feel affected each day. That got me doing mental calculations on the years.

It' been 30 years since it hapenned but I remember (and feel it) like it was yesterday.

As I think about how old he must be now he must be around 70. When I think of a 70 year old today there's no way I'd feel threatened or triggered by such a man of those years.

When I recall the abuse though I still feel like I'm that 15 year old boy and I can't seem to get my head around the fact that I' now in my mid 40's and he's around 70. I feel like i'm stuck at age 15 with the daily traumatic triggers that afflict me.

I worked with a guy once that must have observed something in me, because he asked if anything happened to me when I was younger. He said people that are abused sometimes stay child like. Doesn't mean forever, and doesn't need to mean all the time. And in fact, there is a time and place to be child like. But I kind of get what you are saying about being stuck at a certain age.

Eric

When I was in a behavior health hospital many years ago, my first psychologist said exactly that!!! We get stuck emotionally at the age of our first abuse. I believe that, because my mind that very first time took me somewhere else. Somewhere I thought was safe. This wasn't really really happening to me, and this adult I was to respect and admire wouldn't betray me this way.
Until I got help!!! I was always emotionally like a 9 year old!! My body grew, but my emotions did not. In my recovery my emotions caught up with my body and age. From the time of my first abuse to the time of the beginning of my recovery, my mind always needed that safe place, I created for myself back then. Turned out it wasn't so safe. Not as an adult at any rate. I don't need that place anymore and it is such a relief!!!

I was locked into being a 12-year-old. When I remembered the abuse, I was about 45 but I felt intensely to be age 12. It went on and on and on. Finally EMDR fixed it.

So, the question is, was I like that before I remembered the abuse? I don't know for sure. I do have some memories about it. When I went off to college and I went to pick up a uniform for the marching band, they gave me a uniform for a much smaller person than I was. When I later became a teacher, some called me the "boy professor".

Allen

pufferfish

Thanks guys for the mutual acknowledgement and support. As always it's good to know you're not alone - especially whenever you start seeing different things about yourself and you think it's just you.

Another point I was trying to make in my post (didn't make it that clear I guess), was that I can't imagine him (the abuser) at age 70 today. My mind can only see him at 40.

Maybe it needs to be that way because if he's 70 today and I'm 40 today then there's unlikely to be any child abuse outcomes because at age 40 I'm not a child.

So I guess it's the mind and memory recalling al that stuff way back then even though the way back then feels like today.