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#334173 - 06/19/10 02:51 PM Dating "Normal" Women
downout Offline


Registered: 06/19/10
Posts: 9
Loc: United States
Like most of the guys on here, I present one face to the world, and my private face is alone, lonely, scared, low self esteem, depressed, anxious, even want to be dead at times.

I joined a dating site and am meeting women. I feel like such a fraud. I'm too messed up to be in a relationship - but I've been this way since I was an adolescent.

Do I need to date a shrink - thinking those are the only women that would understand? But the shrinks I've dated have been through a lot and have their own problems, so maybe that's a good match.

I don't know. I have a date tonight. So far I'm "normal" since she doesn't know anything about me. I suppose I can be myself, kind of subdued and melancholy.

Maybe I shouldn't be dating "normal" women (whatever that is) but you know what I mean, women that have not experienced trauma in their lives and want a MAN that is together, not an injured little boy


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#334174 - 06/19/10 02:56 PM Re: Dating "Normal" Women [Re: downout]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
I don't date because of my unresolved issues.
I've gotten to the point that I think I am doing harm I shouldn't be doing by putting them through it since I can't gaurantee my stability. I chose that almost 10 years ago, before I even began to remember the abuse. I still have sex but its consensually short term and no strings. I haven't in a long time.
I'm just learning about how female abuse affected me.



Edited by kidneythis (06/19/10 04:05 PM)
_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#334181 - 06/19/10 05:29 PM Re: Dating "Normal" Women [Re: kidneythis]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
We all carry a bit of that inner child-I don't think it is reasonable to find a perfect "issue-free" partner-everyone has baggage the challenge is to live life in a way that acknowledges that and isn't shut down, acting out, or stuck all the time.

I'm glad you are dating-relationships are hard work, and most of us had some pretty bad role models in the relationship department.

Think of it as a chance to practice healthy behaviors and heal from old unhealthy patterns. Learning healthy boundaries is another way to look at relationships.

One Date At a Time.

You are also MORE than just your abuse-you have a lot of offer as an adult male that is living life. I'm not a believer in dumping all my issues out at once up front-emotional intimacy comes over time and can't be rush-and healthy sexual intimacy is a consequence of emotional intimacy.

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#334270 - 06/20/10 08:24 PM Re: Dating "Normal" Women [Re: downout]
nevragan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/22/08
Posts: 907
Loc: NC
I'm 28 and have only dated till recently. That turned into a disaster with the last date. I learned a lot then from it but have failed to get back on the horse again to find the next one. My last date and I met on Match.com and chatted hours everynight for about a week. She was 20 at the time and I was about 27. Online I can hold together a conversation but in real life I feel nervous and my anxiety goes thru the roof. We met and ate pizza which turned out to not be very good. She invited me back to her house and this made me more nervous. I didn't talk very much and I think she was put out by it. My biggest mistake was at the end. I didn't thank her and say goodnight like I should have. I rushed to the car and left. It felt like a major sigh of relief. I'm not sure where it would have gone from that point and will never know. Anyways, I learned alot from it. Since that date, I have tried to date again with no success. This is the hardest thing I've had to figure out. I'd rather go talk to my T about my abuse than have to deal with dating. Guess it's just me.

Andy


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#334292 - 06/21/10 12:28 AM Re: Dating "Normal" Women [Re: nevragan]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1932
Loc: durham, north england
I'm always confused as to what people mean by "dating" anyway.

I have frequently been out or around with female friends, sometimes to the sterriotypical concert, restaurant etc, but nothing has ever happened, in fact as far as my perceptions have ever been concerned nobody has ever been interested in getting closer to me ever, whatever kind of time we have.

this week I will meet a friend of mine who is also my reading assistance and probably grab coffee with her, ---- is this a date? manifestly not, sinse she's engaged, but I wouldn't do anything different were she not.

I've come to the conclusion that this mythical dating doesn't exist or happen at least for me, and nobody is interested in being more than friends or ever has been.

This is something I'm coming to terms with gradually.

I didn't want to hyjack the thread, it is just something that strikes me as odd whenever people say things like "I'm going to start dating" or "I'm not dating anymore" as if dating is a thing you can choose to do or not do like brushing your teeth or exercising.

Of course, I have no experience at all with relationships despite having many female friends, so I could just be utterly and completely wrong on this and there could be something involved to do or not do which I have no idea how to do for myself and which nobody has ever desired to do with me.

This is however a situation I'm coming to terms with.


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#334296 - 06/21/10 12:56 AM Re: Dating "Normal" Women [Re: downout]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6816
Loc: USA
downout,

Is there such a thing as a "normal" woman?

Originally Posted By: downout
Like most of the guys on here, I present one face to the world, and my private face is alone, lonely, scared, low self esteem, depressed, anxious, even want to be dead at times.

Marriage was a wonderful blessing for me. Yes we had to "work" at it. And then when I "remembered" abuse I was nutty for awhile and it affected our relationship.

But a relationship was just what I needed. Yes it was kind of a dangerous decision. To have gone the wrong way would have multiplied hardship.

As you imply, I had those problems with having a public and a private face, and some others. And that was definitely a problem in marriage. But it can be worked out.

Originally Posted By: downout

I joined a dating site and am meeting women. I feel like such a fraud. I'm too messed up to be in a relationship - but I've been this way since I was an adolescent.

Do I need to date a shrink - thinking those are the only women that would understand? But the shrinks I've dated have been through a lot and have their own problems, so maybe that's a good match.

You seem to have analyzed this correctly. A shrink woman might be the wrong way to go. Nurses are supposed to make good wives. They often have an innate understanding of needs and hurts and don't necessarily have to have been through the same stuff you were.

I don't know very much about you, but I would guess you need to be with some people who kind of have your own interests and values. For instance, I found my wife in a church singles group. We were both "looking" . I made friends with one girl who probably had experienced abuse and had been divorced. I somehow relied on an inner guide path in not developing the relationship with her. I think she would have said "yes" immediately if I had asked. But there was just something missing in our relationship. So I'm glad I didn't go that way. My wife did not have an intuitive understanding of traumas that boys go through. In a way that was good. I didn't want her to be my nurse-maid.

Originally Posted By: downout

I don't know. I have a date tonight. So far I'm "normal" since she doesn't know anything about me. I suppose I can be myself, kind of subdued and melancholy.

Maybe I shouldn't be dating "normal" women (whatever that is) but you know what I mean, women that have not experienced trauma in their lives and want a MAN that is together, not an injured little boy


Well, you already know this, kind of, but you have a self-concept problem. You still have a lot of issues to work through and you see yourself as an abnormal guy. None of this is probably true. When you work through some of the stuff your self concept will change and you will start to really discover yourself. You will discover that you are a person of value, and you will discover the things that vibrate your way and that bring you joy. I know that this is true.

Allen

pufferfish whistle


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#334302 - 06/21/10 02:30 AM Re: Dating "Normal" Women [Re: pufferfish]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6816
Loc: USA
downout,

Since writing my first answer to you, I have read and responded to your post about the solacious young woman who "took care of you" as a boy.

That really clarifies why you talk about trying to find a "normal" woman. You were so misdirected by that young lady that your concept of womanhood remains very damaged. This means to me that you need to talk about that relationship with a counselor. You need to talk to a variety of women (not necessarily about very heavy stuff) in order to develop a new concept of womanhood.

Allen

pufferfish


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#334322 - 06/21/10 11:59 AM Re: Dating "Normal" Women [Re: dark empathy]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
To those who replied:

What does intimacy mean to you?

For me, dating is about developing a relationship and building trust, communication, and intimacy. My wife and I still date-it is a conscious attempt to build our relationship.

As a csa survivor, intimacy has been extremely difficult, in fact, at times when I was lost (addicted) searching for something to make me feel good, intimacy has been impossible.

My journey has been about learning to be intimate in ever-widening circles:

1) with myself (emotional intimacy)
2) with my spiritual belief (emotional plus spiritual intimacy)
3) with a partner (physical/sexual plus emotional, plus spiritual intimacy))

I don't know where my brothers on MS fit into this, but they help me with #1) for sure-

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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