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#334050 - 06/18/10 09:05 AM Re: maybe the right forum--MARITAL ISSUES [Re: kidneythis]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 666
You're right Kidney about changing me. To explain, I'll share.

I had two purposeful things happen yesterterday. The first: I started writing (and owning) the negative slights my mom put in me. As I wrote, I started knowing I had owned them ("You're worthless. You're a failure. You're a POS") I wanted her love, and I owned them. Noone else was around to counter the messages when I was growing up, so I believed this was all I had. And this was from about 13-18--the real growing up time. So yesterday I ended up on the phone twice with a guy who's gone a lot farther in his recovery from abuse. But I'm realizing I've owned these.

The second thing: After I had gone to my men's meeting last night, I came home and wanted to let my wife know why I had ignored her all day. I hadn't answered her calls all day. I told her I was directly in my 4th step focusing on my mother. I said I just wasn't "in a good spot", at all, meaning I was nasty and angry at all females. She had felt ignored, rejected, and a lot of old feelings were shared too. However, it was hurt she was sharing, not anger, so I listened. That made it doable for me. A personal accusation came up twice, guised in a question ("Why didn't you....?). I told her I couldn't answer it because it was an accusation, and not a question . And she dropped it. Thank God. It was peaceful, and in our house that was productive. It was a productive talk. And we're planning on getting with one of our pastors for marital counseling. I've been in contact with him a bit lately.

So, for yesterday, it was good. I am now going to pull out my 4th step and look at the reality of the messages I'm living. I'll get mad. I'll make a call or two. If I come here, I'll try chat. But Kidney, you're right. It starts with me.

Later.

Alfred



Edited by fhorns (06/18/10 12:52 PM)

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#334082 - 06/18/10 01:03 PM Re: maybe the right forum--MARITAL ISSUES [Re: fhorns]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 666
Who else stifles their anger? I was scared sitting down with the written inventory, and after swigging a full cup of coffee (to suppress/distract myself, I know), I opened it up.

I had trouble concentrating on it. Not good for recovery work. Thought about this/that/didn't want to feel it all.

Yikes.

Declaring helplessness is an old survival strategy. It was/is used today, by my mom and myself. YUCK! I'm not helpless. Angry? Yes. Scared? Real scared. Scared to express. Scared I'll get in trouble for sharing or even KNOWING about my REALITY, past or present.


Anyone ever been here?

I'll go try again with the inventory.

Alfred


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#334131 - 06/19/10 01:09 AM Re: maybe the right forum--MARITAL ISSUES [Re: fhorns]
little big man Offline


Registered: 06/19/10
Posts: 106
Loc: nevada
This relates only a little. My father was dominant and has raped me. Later in life it took the form of my not being in chare of how much i ate. making me eat till it hurt. He had to be stronger and smarter than us kids. I would feel guilty when i was suceeding in college, something he always made fun of even of relitve who had a degree. He always had to display his superior strenth to us and make us feel ashamed and dumb.
When I have a girlfriend she is in charge and I am PWHi


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#334153 - 06/19/10 10:39 AM Re: maybe the right forum--MARITAL ISSUES [Re: little big man]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 666
I see you're new here lbm. I read your piece, and the other post you put in.

First off, welcome. Being new here is uncomfortable and scary, but also comforting and even inspiring at times. Welcome aboard.

What caught my eye in your other post was your time and experience in AA. Thank you for sharing that, as it shows a commitment, although painful, to yourself. I am not an alcoholic, but I have had years in Al-Anon, and many hours in AA, and I feel more at home right now in an AA meeting. (Because Al-Anon rarely has many men in the groups). I've never felt unwelcomed in an AA group, but I also haven't shared the sexual abuse there either. I read you shared yours, and the actions that followed. Damn, I'm sorry. That's terrible being in such a vulnerable position. Really, that would be tough for ANY guy.

My current home group is a Celebrate Recovery locally. I'm doing my third 12-step study, and the group is starting the 5th step. I started late in the group, at the start of the 4th step, though I knew all the guys. However, this time, different emotions surfaced, and I didn't do work on my 4th. I've disclosed the sexual abuse, but the verbal and emotional abuse started cropping up this year. I tried to deny it, did so to my own and other's hurt, but it isn't going away. It sits and festers. So, after taking numerous corrections, I have stepped back into my 4th. I'm working on my main abuser, my mom. I'm on the phone a lot lately with a guy who did 3 step studies himself, grew up in a violent family, and he knows it takes time. I'm here daily as I'm unraveling it.

The paradox in this is that this whole post started as a venting about my wife, and it's evolved into MY shit, my thinking, my poisoned reality. Kidney said above something I've let fly by for years: nothing changes if nothing changes, and when I change, my relationships will too. That's why I'm here--not to rant and rant and rant. I did in the past, and looking over my old posts (6-7 years back), that's what I needed. I wasn't ready for more. I felt, and acted, STUCK. And doing this hurts, but I need to do something different.

So welcome to MS, and thanks for your imput. I appreciate a fresh perspective.

Peace,

Alfred


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