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#334079 - 06/18/10 12:33 PM Jealousy
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1867
Loc: durham, north england
I'm not particularly proud of this emotion, but if anyone can relate I'd appreciate some in put.

I have a friend, ---- and he is! a friend, who I've rapidly started becoming jealous of.

The first reason is to do with performing. I've had 10 years of directors effectively telling me to bugger off because they don't want a visually impared prson on stage (one person suggested I sing from the wings), while my friend just walks in in his second year and gets star parts in whichever society he goes for.

if it were simply a question of ability, I'd be the first person to say it was fair, ---- indeed, I've been in several productions myself where the person being the principle has been genuinely fantastic and I've learnt a lot.

however, in all honesty, my friend is not that much better than me, yet while I have to convince people that giving me a part is a good idea, and that I am capable, he can just waltz in and take things.

Then, is the relationship situation.

last august we were at a music festival, and it was deeply obvious for me he'd fallen for a particular girl who didn't feel the same way.
I tried my best to be there and say the right thing to help him, ---- while what I actually wanted to say was "oh come on! your 21, handsome, extremely charismatic, intelligent, musical, you've got perfectly working eyeballs and oh by the way you've never been gang raped, ---- whats your bloody problem!"

Needless to say that's not what I said. And equally obviously, he simply shrugged it off and has now simply walked into a relationship with someone else while I'm stil stuck.

He was telling me recently that he'd not done so well with his exams, and I actually caught myself thinking "good! I hope you fail, sinse it's about bloody time you had some trouble in your life and something which didn't just fall into your hands like a ripe fruite from a tree!"

which is not a good feeling.

i've tried to talk to people about this, but the response I usually get is "life is unfair, ---- you could be dying of starvation!" ---- which is no bloody help whatsoever.

Yes, there are those with worse situations than me certainly, but that makes absolutely no difference when it always seems I'm stuck behind, doomed to struggle and never find what I'm looking for at all.

I really don't like being jealous. he genuinely is a friend, and we've had some good times together, he even knows I'm jealous of the performin business (though not about the relationships or the abuse), and admits himself that I've been treated unfairly because of my disability.

Yet, i stil! find myself hoping he fails his degree which is really not good.

I do know equally that someone could say the same of me, ---- but I really can't feel that at all. Is that it? ---- is it back to the old feeling of worthlessness again?

If anyone has any thoughts I'd appreciate hereing them.


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#334084 - 06/18/10 01:13 PM Re: Jealousy [Re: dark empathy]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Luke,
Comparing yourself to others is asking for it. Like you said you struggle with your self worth a lot, your relationships with the opposite ummm gender are problematic as you have posted about in the past. I think it is perfectly natural that you would be jealous of this guy. I can bet you anything you want that he has some issues you know nothing about that he struggles with too and probably not all that successfully.

I don't have a lot of advice for you that you haven't already told yourself I bet. Be careful this jealously thing can become an obsession and you can find yourself tempted to undermine him when given the opportunity. I know you enough to know you are better than that but feeling that will only make you resent him more.

If you can find it in yourself to get to know him better you may find the compassion and empathy you need to lose the jealous feelings you have. I know it is so easy to look at others and envy their apparent lack of obstacles to success compared to mine. I do not however, know them as well as I do myself. I do not see what struggles they have and we all have them.

Chin up Luke, my only advice other than get to know him better. He has a closet of his own and you might be heartbroken by the nature of the skeletons hidden there.

Roger


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#334086 - 06/18/10 01:48 PM Re: Jealousy [Re: dark empathy]
Builders Offline


Registered: 06/10/10
Posts: 11
Loc: AZ
WOW!! I wish I had been as healthy as you are at 21. You are so right on. Acknowledging you feelings, and handling them in a very healthy way! GOOD JOB.
The hands of time have a way of showing us our paths. What our adversities have taught us,the perseverance we have learned. Your situation reminds me of Andrei Bocelli he must have faced some of the same things. Keep it up and you will succeed! My hat is off to you young man

_________________________
If you want to be truely free!! You must learn to LOVE, and FORGIVE!! You can't have one without the other

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#334105 - 06/18/10 06:27 PM Re: Jealousy [Re: Builders]
MrCompassion Offline


Registered: 03/30/10
Posts: 11
dark empathy,
i can relate to what you are saying. i am still suffereing from it, but i always remind myself that everybody is responsible for their success and their failures. and i remind myself that they are not responsbile for what has happened to me.
i grew up without a father, without anybody to look after me, i am 28 now, for even one year ago, if i saw a guy who had a father and he got a lot help from his father or he would get things easy in his life, and when i start get close to them, i would be jealous, what helped was thinking, that they are not responsible for my misery or for what my life is now or what has happened in my life before.

i am not sure but but i believe my belief comes also from i had a cousin in my age when we were 6, we lived in same house. and he got a lot of attention and love in every way. and i was often neglected. i believe my distorted thinking has something to do with how my authority(uncles) figures in my life treated me as a child comparing to my cousin. and they worst part was, if he did not wanted me, in same car, lets say for a ride for fun, my uncles would take me out from the car and let him have his way. so later in my life, i always were jealous of my best friends and it was like i was in a competition with them.

so my question to you is, when you were a little child, did you had any body in your life, like a brother and cousin in your age that were treated differently than you by people who should have done something from you.?


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#334134 - 06/19/10 06:25 AM Re: Jealousy [Re: MrCompassion]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1867
Loc: durham, north england
Thanks guys.

Just as a point of information, I'm actually 27 now, and my friend is 22 currently.

As far as skeletons go, well I'm really not sure on that front. I can usually be pretty certain after spending enough time with someone whether they have any sort of issue at all, and my friend genuinely doesn't. This isn't to say my perception is perfect, just that if there is something it's buried very deeply indeed.

I've felt a sort of generalized jjealousy towards anyone with a successful relationship, ----- but this is far more specific, sinse in a lot of ways I see in my friend the way I would've been had I not had certain experiences.

As regards jealousy while growing up the honest answer is no. In fact the only time I recall feeling jealous of my brother was the point when he was at secondary school, because he was at a different school to myself and while he had truly fantastic experiences and made some extremely good friends, I ended up having the time I had.


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#334264 - 06/20/10 07:36 PM Re: Jealousy [Re: dark empathy]
Casmir213 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 844
Loc: Northeast, USA
Luke,

I can easily relate to feeling jealous of those around me. I have even sensed very very troubling jealousy of my siblings for having, what looks like to me, a better life than my own. There's very little more troubling and disturbing to me than wishing ill towards those whom I actually love. I'd say with most people the kind of jealousy that is directed toward those closest to us lies buried below the surface of our day to day consciousness, but I believe that it exists within all but the most saintly of humans. I say this because it is rare that someone admits to being jealous of those around them, yet jealousy is a very common (albeit negative) human emotion. This may be a very cynical/paranoid viewpoint, but I believe it to be the truth.

Now, that's my negative view of human beings, including myself. Here is my more positive view. I believe we all have the ability to overcome our jealousies simply by pursuing in our own lives what it is we are jealous of in others lives. When I realize and accept that life owes me nothing, despite the respective hand that I've been dealt (which can be relativized by those with both better and worse hands), I can begin to move forward toward the goals that make me jealous when we see that others have already obtained these goals (some more easily than others). Afterall, I wouldn't feel jealousy were it not for the fact that I want what others have. According to this thinking, jealousy is created by our personal desire for something that others have and also by the feeling that we are somehow helpless to obtain what we desire. Without a personal desire for something quite naturally occuring in us coupled with the feeling that we somehow have been prevented, by things which we feel to be out of our control, from obtaining that which we desire, there would be no jealousy. It's putting these two ingredients (desire and a feeling that we are barred from access to what we desire) together that causes jealousy. If you take away one ingredient (the strong feeling of helplessness to obtain that which we desire) you also take away jealousy.

Yes, you face very real challenges in your life Luke. Your visual impairment and past abuse are as real an obstacle as any brick wall standing in the way of someone walking down the street. I have no idea what it's like to walk in your shoes, and I mean no disrespect by anything I've said here. I give you much credit for what you have already accomplished in life Luke. One challenge that is perhaps the hardest for us survivors to overcome though is the feeling of helplessness that comes with abuse, because this feeling was instilled in us so well. I wish for all survivors to be able to one day throw off the chains of helplessness that we have carried around with us since our abuse.

Take care,

Rocco





Edited by Casmir213 (06/20/10 08:02 PM)
_________________________
I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

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#334289 - 06/20/10 11:59 PM Re: Jealousy [Re: Casmir213]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1867
Loc: durham, north england
Hi rocco.

the problem I find is increasingly as time passes, I realize that the buhdists were write. desire is the cause of suffering.

My desire for the sort of communication in a relationship Ive seen others have has only ever proved destructive to me. Even to the stage where now, when i feel myself vaguely in the way of falling in love with someone (which is a comparatively slow process), my thought is "oh god not again!" and I stop it if I can.

Only by attempting to rid myself of this desire am I coming close to achieving piece, and accepting the fact that yes, the closest I've been to anyone was! as unpleasant and pointless as it was, ---- and thats how life is.

The problem is this process goes only so far.

senica I believe said a truly good man could be happy on the wrack, to which bertran russel replied "it'd have to be a very good man and a very bad wrack!"

everyday, i have to cope with people's prejudice in it's true sense, ie, pre-judgement, and have to prove to people that I'm not only as capable independent and intelligent as any normal adult, but that I'm actually a human being at all.

The other day for instance I utterly stunned someone by responding to one of their jokes with a joke of my own. Until that point they'd not even conceived me as a being like themselves, --- ie, able to appreciate and participate in humour.

Is it any wonder I feel like an outcast constantly?

singing and performing on on stage is truly important to me, as I get something from that experience which i get no where else.

It's not even about applause, --- indeed I can have this experience performing with others when there is no audience at all.

I can't really defign this accept by saying its to do with participation, responsability and expression, and not much more.

However, right from the word go, the response I've got has been negative from most people, that it is something I'm unable to do, or blatant excuses.

Ive managed it, but only with huge amounts of persuasion, trying many different groups and people, and a lot of practice.

Yet then there is my friend, who just walks in, and is not just accepted, but accepted at the top position, not just in one place, but in every place he goes.

As I said if it were a question of ability, I'd be the first person to say it was fine, ---- but in truth it isn't.

Just to rub it in, he then has a relationship crysis, which i help him through, is not the least bothered and walks in to another relationship.

the feeling is that all the things I try to attain with so much struggle he gets without trying, ---- no wonder I'm jealous.

Also, this is a situation I cannot change. I only have to walk into a shop to be dealing with others' prejudice, ---- and Im used to doing it, and Im already compitantly equipped to deal with it. However the moment I ask another person for judgement, I end up stuck, because their judgement is already made.

I will say that this is partly a specifically English thing, and generally both the americans Ive met and some blind people I know who are american have very different treatment from the general population, as is also true of germany, norway, holland and various other places.

But what is the alternative? a huge range of blind people simply become imsular, only interact with other blind people, live very sheltered lives and do virtually nothing with their time.

That is not th life or existance I want for myself, not after what I've been thru, however it often seems the choice is struggle for what others take for granted, or give up.

In the case of relationships I've had to give up, ---- or at least I'm trying to, sinse social sterriotypes about both men and visually impared people, my own fears, and a host of other things are against me, but I refuse to give up my love of being on stage, sinse the experience is far too important.

sorry, this turned into a bit of a wrant, ---- blame it on a sleepless night and not enough coffee. I'd better submit this before I talk myself out of it.


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#336363 - 07/19/10 06:25 PM Re: Jealousy [Re: dark empathy]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1867
Loc: durham, north england
Well, it's happened again. My friend gets a fully working star part in the production at the international festival while I am passed over on a decision made "on merrit" ----- yeah right!

So they take my friend, who has one years' experience on stage and they don't know from adam, but not me, ---- and the fact that this is the same conductor who once told me i could sing from the wings?

Why are people so fucking prejudiced? and why does my friend get everything given to him? it'd serve him right if he went blind!

I'm so sick of people treating me as incompitant and having to prove to everyone that I can! do stuff. People are just so fucking stupid!


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