Isent this in response to a question I received in PM. As I read it back I thought it might help some one else too. It is just my experience and opinion.

I totally understand this. It is vitally important not to leave your wife/partner out of your struggle. You will need to spend time with her, talk to her about how She feels in all of this. Make it plain to her that while you are doing all of this for you, you are also doing it for your relationship with her. She is part of the motivation. You want to be the man that God meant for you to be, the husband that she needs you to be. Ask her what you can to to help her feel more a part of your healing, and the healing of your marriage.

I too became so wrapped up in going to meetings, getting my masculine needs met that I did in fact abandon her at some point and it became all about me. She found someone else who would tell her she was beautiful, buy her cards and gifts and leave her love notes and soon was kicking me out.

It is easy to end up feeling depressed alone and abandonded if we are not careful this can drive a couple apart instead of bringing them together.

She will have her own issues too. There is a reason women marry us survivors. Perhaps the need to feel needed by a man, to rescue us, dominate, or control us, or maybe they sense we are emotionally unavailable and their own insecuritites want that. I don't know. It could even be we deceived them into thinking that even with our emotional damage they could make us into their knight in shining armor.

What ever the reason you two ARE together and it is possible to heal this relationship as well as your CSA. You cannot do it alone, however, and as much help and support you get from us, your brothers, your real resource could in fact be who you partnered with on this journey because she can be there when we cannot. She can be your greatest champion, or your worst enemy depending on how both of you approach it.

I would suggest some good couples counseling to address both your needs and how you can meet each other's through this. You are both in my prayers.

Roger

Roger,

As usual you are right on target. I really like your insight!! Thanks for your thoughts to ponder. Hope your Summer is going well,

Happy trails, Ted