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#333941 - 06/17/10 08:34 AM fake me vs. real me
Zak Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 57
i always thought this kind of stuff doesn't happen to guys, i mean i know it does but i didn't want to know if that makes any sense. please forgive my ignorance. i looked at a lot of stuff here yesterday, there are so many brave people here.

in the real world the fake me is fine, everything is great, it's all ok, no problems no issues. i work in marketing/communications at a large ad agency, i do part time landscaping in the summer months, in the winter i do part time instructing for snow boarding, i have friends and family, although the step dad is still with my mom and somewhat in my life, which is very hard to deal with, i'm a member of a group of bikers and we do great road trips in the spring, summer and fall. i have good times, laughs, i try to be a good person.

but the real me in the real world, that is a different story. no one knows me. i am insecure, paranoid and scared to death someone will find out what happened. i am scared someone will find out i am an addict. i have a hard time completing things, a hard time focusing, i generally hate the way i look, talk and act. my view of the world is that it's a big ugly scary place full of bad people who will hurt you for little or no reason. i feel guilty for everything, i feel ashamed, sex is so complicated, unless i am high, i blame myself for everything, never ending nightmares, panic attacks, i have done awful things with people and to my body.

i have never told anyone, i have never said the word outloud. at a very young age my step dad told me a few things that i believed. one, if i ever told my mom then he would have to leave, then she would be alone and unhappy, that would be my fault. two, he was my new daddy and he was good enough to take care of me and mom so that meant he got to do whatever he wanted. three, even though it hurt me, it wouldn't after a while so i just have to keep doing it until i got used to it. four, since my body liked it it means that i liked it too. five, its what all stepdaddys do with their new boys and it's all right because we are not really related. some stuff i figured out on my own like if i didn't want him to beat my mom i would have to get him mad at me instead, that even though he did things to me it didn't mean he was a fag, his word not mine, but it probably meant that i was, that when he drank, which was all the time, he got clumsy and when he got clumsy, I got clumsy to explain away the bruises, that giving in was better then being beaten.

i am tired of pretending to be someone i am not, i am tired of being that little boy who is trying to protect his mom, i am tired of crying, i am tired of the anxiety and stress, i am tired of feeling like less of a man because of this.

i don't want to hit submit, i am dying of shame here


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#333943 - 06/17/10 08:57 AM Re: fake me vs. real me [Re: Zak]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5780
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Zak:
Man, are you in the right place. The folks around here could give you numerous references to older posts for just about every sentence you wrote. All of the issues you experienced are very familiar to just about every survivor here.

Welcome aboard. We hope this will be a place to help you heal. It is a difficult but ultimately rewarding journey to get your life back.

There is no shame in being a victim. The shame belongs to your stepfather. He filled you with the insidious beliefs that most perpetrators use on their victims.

Hopefully, you have a good therapist experienced in male survivor issues. Check out the therapist resource directory from the home page and read the "Consumer's Guide to Therapist Shopping" if you need to find one or are unsure if the one you have can help you. That is the beginning our your journey and you will be amazed at the progress you can make so your "fake me" can turn into the "real me".

If you are anywhere Jamaica Plain, Mike Lew has a practice there. There are a number of teriffic therapists in MA who may be of assistance.



Edited by Ken Singer, LCSW (06/17/10 08:59 AM)

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#333944 - 06/17/10 09:00 AM Re: fake me vs. real me [Re: Zak]
Obi Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1358
Loc: kansas
zak,

wow!!! very powerful post!!! you did very well!! i'm very proud of you for taking this HUGE step in opening the door to yourself and your world...

those things your stepdad told you... LIES!!!!... he told you nothing but lies!!!

i'm sorry you went through such an ordeal but you are now among others here who truly understand your pain, your shame... you are now on your way to recovery. just to opne yourself up like you did was a HUGE first step and i'm very proud of you for taking it... keep taking those steps zak... don't worry if you fall because you have brothers here now that will pick you up, and carry you if necessary...

todd

_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#333945 - 06/17/10 09:25 AM Re: fake me vs. real me [Re: Obi]
Zak Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 57
wow, replies. i was afraid to put something here and not hear anything back.

thank you both so much.

i'm dying that i put this out here.

i don't have a therapist tho i have made a bunch of appointments, it's easy to make the appointment during an emotional crisis then by the time the appointment comes around i'm feeling better or too high to care anymore so i cancel. but i know i need to find one, things are getting worse not better, if i don't do something now i am afraid of who or where i'll be years from now.

if there is no shame in being a victim then why do i feel so ashamed of all this? i never really thought anyone would understand, it is so lonely.


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#333946 - 06/17/10 09:32 AM Re: fake me vs. real me [Re: Zak]
Obi Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1358
Loc: kansas
zak,

you are right.. you're dying... but it's also good....

reason why is because the part of you that is dying is the part that has kept you in this state of shame and fear...

the real you is emerging now and it's time to rejoice!!! the birth of the real zak! the birth of the person you truly are! it's exciting because now your world is opening up to all the posibilities you thought were unreachable...

keep fighting that good fight zak!! you will be victorious!!!

todd

_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#333947 - 06/17/10 10:03 AM Re: fake me vs. real me [Re: Obi]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 982
Loc: HULBERT OK
One of my favorite sayings. I believe that it fits your situation

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is."

Quote from
Bob Dylan

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#333951 - 06/17/10 11:29 AM Re: fake me vs. real me [Re: Zak]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2466
Loc: UK
Originally Posted By: Zak
if there is no shame in being a victim then why do i feel so ashamed of all this? i never really thought anyone would understand, it is so lonely.


I think when we were kids, especially with all of the lies and false lessons we were made to believe (especially about ourselves) we learnt to blame ourselves. At least for me blaming myself was a subconscious way (a coping mechanism) of giving myself some power over the situation- thinking that it was happening because of something that i was doing wrong or because i was bad meant that there must have been something that i could do to make it stop (by being better). Of course in reality i was completely helpless, and it wasn't because i was bad, it was because he was bad, but no kid wants to admit that helplesness to himself, it would destroy you, and if you loved him it is even harder to admit to yourself that he was hurting you. So i came to believe that i was worthless and that he was allowed and that somehow i "deserved" what was happening to me. From this i developed lots of feeling of shame, shame of being worthless, which was never true. Just because somebody treats you badly it doesn't mean that you dont deserve to be treated better.

Also i think when we grow up we use our adult minds and we no longer see things in the same way as when we were kids. We blame ourselves for not doing things differently, for not seeing choices. But when we were kids the world looked a lot different, and i think that is important to remember. I think it is important to remember that when we were kids we couldn't see choices and didn't have the options that we now see. Mostly it is important to remember that it wasn't your fault, and what happened to you doesn't make you any less than anybody else.

You are DEFINITELY not alone.

Lewis

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#333960 - 06/17/10 11:56 AM Re: fake me vs. real me [Re: OKIE MIKE]
wayne9 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 161
Loc: alabama
Zak, you are for sure in the right place. Many here will tell you your story is a mirror to theirs. I for sure know where you are coming from. The Me that I know verses the Me that they know are two totally different people. I am a successful business man, I own a average home, not a rich man but I am comfortable. Most people I know with the exception of a few I have opened up to about my past would be shocked at what my life is really like. Just last night I...a 48 year old man cried myself to sleep. The emotional rollercoaster ride started after a phone call to the man that has been my mentor for the past 25 years. He hurt me by saying that I seem to let things get to me that I shouldn't. He, like so many others who doesn't understand how deep it hurts just can't comprehend the pain, loneliness, and despair we feel sometimes. Anyway, I didn't meant to get started on ME. That seems to happen to me alot when I read others heartache. Hang in there Zak. Its a long journey that You and I have started out on. Keep your head up and good luck.

Tim


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#333961 - 06/17/10 12:06 PM Re: fake me vs. real me [Re: OKIE MIKE]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 731
Loc: NJ
Zak

Welcome.

the shame you feel belongs to your perp not you.

The lies he spewed were to protect himself and keep you down.

At some point on your road of recovery, you'll figure out how to place the blame on him. It usually involves going to T along with a good support network.

There are many ups and downs on said road, Snakes and ladders some of us call them. Understand, you will always find compassion and a willing ear here on your worst days.

I find the board, and T to be my safest places, where I can be honest to discuss some of my inner most demons. Most everybody here, has felt the way you feel, there is no shame here, only in our heads and from our own brains. Easy to say difficult to understand and put into practice.

Consider your journey started. You took the first step and made it here. You can take the next step. The power is in you, always been there, its been held down for all these years, but its making its way to the surface. Put a few steps together and you'll hit a mile marker.

Life is going to change, you can change the dynamics, and those who you have the power over will try to keep you down. You can overcome this. You were never at fault. The only wrong you did, like the rest of us was holding onto somebody elses shame at your personal expense.

Give it too its rightful owner.

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#333976 - 06/17/10 01:19 PM Re: fake me vs. real me [Re: Castle]
Regs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/03/08
Posts: 149
Loc: Oklahoma
Zac, I admire your courage. You are taking the first steps towards living a new and better life. My sadness for what happened to you is tempered with the joy of hope for you. It can get better.

I am glad you are here.

Regs

_________________________
WoR Sequoia Alumni, April 2010

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