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#325802 - 03/21/10 04:07 AM Re: Can You Identify a CSA survivor based on behavior? [Re: brother2none]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 858
Loc: washington
Shaun,

Based on behavior...???

Does he constantly look over his shoulder...like he's afraid someone ~or~ something is going to attack him even though nobody is there...~or~...try giving him a compliment and see how that goes...

I don't know...I am not sure if I can use think/feel and make sense in the same sentence...One thing for sure is before getting into recovery...I wasted a lot of time trying to make rational sense of it all...and even now with years of recovery my feelings lean towards confusion...

I do know that I eroticised my abuse and couldn't fathom another way to frame it...when it all started at around the age of six ~or~ seven...

Personally...while in session with my t...I told her that sometimes..."I feel as if I was born to s**k c**k"...and she said..."So what if you were"...and upon reflection it was like...yeah, so what...and in sharing that...it took some of the power out of that compulsion.

When talking about fantasies...(I think it gets really tricky)...some personal fantasies being quite bizarre...(and that's where some of them are going to stay...as they were never meant to be realized).

I have given sexual orientation...(the nature/nurture thing)...a lot of thought...and mixing that in with a commited relationship...am lucky to have a partner that understands that I have those desires...(and they will always be there reguardless of who I am with).

On a sidenote...I believe a peak heathy looking age... to be @ the older teenage to young adult years...(I am not shamed by this belief...don't wish to turn it off...it is simply a belief and nothing more)...


As much as I would like to figure it all out...in the end..."The best revenge is living a good life"...and for me... part of living is accepting that there will be some type of residue due to my past.

Thank you, for the topic...hopefully I have helped/some of this resonates...


Sparks (Coldplay)

island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#327424 - 04/05/10 04:16 AM Re: Can You Identify a CSA survivor based on behavior? [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2466
Loc: UK
Originally Posted By: Shaun The Sheep
Well - on the issue of being gay or bi, I'm pretty sure I'm bi since gay porn is arousing to me.


That's actually not true for a number of reasons. I don't remember the example Joe Kort used (something to do with camming with other guys) but he posed that you can be into stuff like that and it doesn't make you gay. In fact the workshop was on the concept SMSM (straight men who have sex with men).

I haven't sorted my ideas out in my head about this kind of stuff to clearly justify why i think this is true in a full and tidy way, but i am sure others will have things to add.

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#327425 - 04/05/10 04:22 AM Re: Can You Identify a CSA survivor based on behavior? [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2466
Loc: UK
Originally Posted By: Shaun The Sheep
P.S. - I've made a personal decision to avoid the gay porn. I was hoping (incorrectly, it seems) that it would somehow bring me closer to the answers I was looking for. It never does and I find it a bit of a trap that way.


Joe Kort talked a bit about things like fetishes, and really about owning your sexuality and experiences i guess. Again my mind is unclear on the distinctions that were made i never had chance to process lots of the stuff afterwards, but the result is that it is okay to let yourself look at stuff like that (as long as it is not harming in any way or to anybody). I guess he talked about boundaries and limits and how it affects you and things like that. He was talking about sexual imprinting from abuse situations and then onto how you can own this and don't have to be at a constant internal battle trying to change this imprinting but you don't have to let it change your life either.

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#327455 - 04/05/10 01:46 PM Re: Can You Identify a CSA survivor based on behavior? [Re: king tut]
Shaun The Sheep Offline


Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
*****************************



Edited by Shaun The Sheep (03/30/11 11:50 PM)

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#329036 - 04/20/10 10:02 AM Re: Can You Identify a CSA survivor based on behavior? [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1205
Loc: NY
I have to goto school soon, but I just want to say two things for now.

1. This is a fantastic topic!

2. jls, what you said does NOT change my opinion of you--The only way it does is that I feel that you are a very courageous person for being able to share that and I think that this statement can be beneficial to other guys here because I am sure that others have felt that way to.
I am also aroused by things that I find extremely disturbing, mainly me being re-victimized, and this brings me tremendous Guilt and Shame and self-hatred! (I have never brought that up here on the board before), thanks for sharing your truth, it allowed me to share mine!

Sincerely,
Logan

_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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#333394 - 06/09/10 07:48 PM Re: Can You Identify a CSA survivor based on behavior? [Re: brother2none]
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 842
Loc: Kc,Mo
i had to chime in because i can relate to you to a certain extent . when i brought this up to the first person i disclosed my abuse to who is a drug counselor. i state that i was attracted to other males from late teens and young adults and that this was disturbing to me and she told me.
most of it stems from wanting to be a kid again i admire them more than anything and the abuse has clouded my line of thinking . i admire them and want to be them in a way , young and no worries and i can see this in them. i see they are carefree and not thinking about abuse or anything associated with it. wanting to be young again so bad. it allways started out as like a day dream and now it is mostly sexual and has nothing to do with wanting to be young again. and has more to do with sexual thoughts like you described. i also acted out with a younger cousin and brought him into my sick world. i was a kid and was only doing what was taught to me for so many yrs. we continued for 3 or 4 yrs until it just got weird. we were growing up and getting girl friends and it finally stopped. i hate myself all the time for bringing him into this sick and twisted way of life i learned. i no it was not my fault because i was a kid. but from the abuse i went through for yrs from the age of 7 to 13 from 2 different males i thought this was normal and after we started fooling around it just did not stop. so not only did one of my perps have the whole dam neighborhood in his house masturbating and having oral sex with each other ,i had done the same things with my cousin and so my reality was screwed up , my first experiences were with boys and than with my cousin until i was like 15 or 16 . so when i look at 17 ,18,19 yr old teens and young adults if i am not careful i will take it places in my mind that are just down right F@$#!@#v up. and i hate it .
i do get were you are coming from tho.and you are not alone . it is just amazing to me how much all of us here at ms have in common only because i convinced myself for so many yrs that i could tell no one about my abuse and my feelings and that i must be alone and no one else has gone through what i have gone through so no one would understand.

brother2none
"From the csa, I had learned to relate to men through sexual relations"

this also explains what i am trying to convey

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#333398 - 06/09/10 08:54 PM Re: Can You Identify a CSA survivor based on behavior? [Re: nltsaved]
Shaun The Sheep Offline


Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
*****************************



Edited by Shaun The Sheep (03/30/11 11:50 PM)

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#333886 - 06/16/10 03:03 PM Re: Can You Identify a CSA survivor based on behavior? [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1205
Loc: NY
This has been a very helpful topic for me and I am pretty sure that I am not alone with that sentiment.

Logan

_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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#333896 - 06/16/10 04:23 PM Re: Can You Identify a CSA survivor based on behavior? [Re: Logan]
rewiringed Offline


Registered: 04/28/10
Posts: 34
Shaun,

Thank you, and everyone who contributed to this topic, it's very helpful to me.

Ed


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#352831 - 02/04/11 09:35 PM Re: Can You Identify a CSA survivor based on behavior? [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
sake134 Offline


Registered: 11/12/10
Posts: 13
Loc: NJ. Essex
Hello,
I am new and I am not even sure that anyone would reply.. seeing the date that you wrote this article was quite a long time ago. Hope that you came to new discoveries and found strenghts throughout all this.
I am responding to you because my experience was very much and still is the same as yours? I am copy the next sentences because that's exactly how I feel and felt and still do now that I am a much older guy! I hope you don't mind I quoted you as indicated below....however I could not have put it more properly and express it better than you did. It could be my words exactly and I did and still am very much puzzled how I can find solutions to my fixations.

[
Quote:
u]I seem to have this fixation on a certain type of young man. He will be late teens to early 20s, with a swimmers-build and little or no body hair. If I see that type of person, in a movie or in print or on the street, I immediately start projecting a deep level of envy/attraction on that person. I'm attracted in the sense that I want to be that
person on some level - [/u]>.

I started very young about 12 or 13 with my brother.. however I don't realy remember the fine print of it but growing up in a large family of 9 brothers and two sisters and I was the third from below. I slept in a cold room with not heat but lot of blankets with two of my other brothers. It was an old bed and it was tilting towards the center. so in the middle of the night you were finding yourself sometimes on top of each other. My older brother in our bed who was maybe 3 years older than me took my hand while he masturbated himself. and that happened a few times and that's all I rememeber as my first sexual experience. So, it had to be him.. and I still paying the penalty?? I just don't get it why I did search out the the same attention to my other brothers in other beds of approuval and warmth and regonition of being and admired of showers of feeling good about myself which my parents couldn't provide at all.
so after done it with the others about a dozen of times and a friend tryed to get close to me too. out of all irony my abuser friend did got to me and wasn't that serious but did touch me maybe weeks later or so.. maybe they talked it over with each other? who knows? which I doubt very much, so what I can make out to that one that my brother had an fixation on his friend and translated it upon me by touching me and his friend just followed up because he was an natural player.
Most of my brothers were abuse by each other. when I go back home I stir up the pot and make them sweat a bit and they tell me what happend which was most of the time a learning experience, beside my abuser which I have still dificulties with to challange him.

one day I will.

I was never able to properly connect to my family since, beside being sensitive and creative and smart enough, something developped which I recently found out by my therapist which is called DID. Now putting things in prospective it seem to me that I did accepted my past and trying to forgive the perp and move on with my life.
Easy said than done...back up a little bit, from my three brothers bed which by itself was a horrible experience and putting up with one of them use to wet the bed and on top the cold etc. when we got a bit older our room had a bit more space.
So, instead of three in one bed, we had only two...that made it much better, the bed was a better quality and straight, no wetting except ounce in a while by my youngest brother who as matter of fact was ok in his mind but realy was somehow affected by this or other events in his life, or never admitted that he was not grapped up by one of us.
But what I wanted to say is ....I was searching out others as well within the house and needed it badly to feel complete.
Now, feeling incomplete and thinking sex is a remedy was not completely healthy to feel complete..!.but what did I know? I eventually move out and did felt flings with boys of my own age and admirred the young and smooth looking, swimmer look, clean shaven cute guys which I had some feeling or attraction towards them. I never dealt with the issue until I got to be in my early thirties.
found my first wife and she send me to her therapist for the next 10 years..and 100K poorer.
I saved myself of destruction and kept a healthy outlook just to remain balance and not to be unproducktive in a society upsidedown. Since my sixteen, I did my job to perfection and without flaws until today, always a professionl and in full controll most of the time. I can pick out those times exactly when I wasn't or destructive in my job which I could count no more than a half dozen of times that I gotten in trouble throught my work. Learn and learn some more...I fell but had it rough enough to pick it up on the other side voluntarily or forced by myself...but somehow I did it.. I always pulled it off.
I got in trouble but that is for next time.

I never lost the attraction...towards the young and I have difficulty to shake that image off. Most of the young will fade away but often certain type's wil come back to hunt me in a very aggresive way so I can come to my climax fast and than brush it off until the feeling comes up again.
This may happen every week for weeks in a row specialy lately..and before times were passing while nothing happened.
it has to do with controll and how do I properly challange that energie into producktive force or creative force or investing into my family environment.
well, now that I live with 5 girls and my wife and a white small boy dog...I had my turn around and twisted philosophy.
but still have to face the same stuff which I now accepted and which became a part of me. I am not figthing the desires or the impulses, I sometimes do act upon it which is never the solution, but I do know I have to stop and deal with my shortcomings somehow down the line.
It is more than just a fling, it has to do in my case with a younger person living within me with a strong opion and voice. he is a solid part of me and need to be recon with which I did understand now for several years.
I am still the man in charge but am easily convincend that the other younger person can take me on a side trip and make me believe that their is nothing wrong with by having a fling with a boy so that he can feel complete again for a while which never last for very long... maybe a couple of weeks and than it start all over again.
I live a gay live and was very uncomfortable with it. for 7 years I try to have an affair with a man, i.e. a young man, sex was good but not the whole package, it just did fit my lifestyle and the rejection and social standards made me feel realy not comfortable,I tried to accept it for a while but never could.
that makes me believe that I may be bi with many flings to young boys..or was it myself I was "attracted too"?
I am a leo and full of live and fire so, sex will never fade away...boys will come and go...but my only concern is I just want to live a fuller life now with my current wife, which I can't do if I still mantain those fantasies and fling to the other sides ...I have to come with terms why am I still doing such after all I have been through.
later.




Edited by sake134 (02/04/11 10:15 PM)
Edit Reason: corrections

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