I like to look at documentaries about history. It is an escape and an education at the same time.
Along the new lines of re thinking and relooking at myself I see now that when they are about people at a disadvantage or whom are being victimized intentionally or not I become anxious and fearful. I am worried that this might happen to me.
I have often been accused and convicted by people for things I have not done. This was part of the conditioning done to me during the abuse at the shelter. I don't know how but repeatedly falsely accusing me then getting others to believe the accusation had some effect on me that now when it happens no one ever believes me.
Most often I'm not even aware of it until I'm being punished. So I guess I'm relating to them as if it happened to me as it did right up to death. I was near death many times, people began to do stuff to me just to see if I'd survive it.
Drifting again I'll stop. Seriously flashing on my medical care problems and trying to make it relate to this.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Holy cow this was one of the ways I tried to get help w/o triggering my abusers. I'd find ways to turn everything I say toward what I want to be dealt with so often I never learned the correct way to follow along and make seguays (sp?)!!! weird and weird. Not a happy making realization here.
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As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.
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