My dear brother Pete,
Listen to me, okay? This is Bobcat, your brother into eternity, who you know loves you dearly and unconditionally. You trust me because I've never lied to you, have I? I'm not lying to you now - I'm telling you the truth.
You are not guilty of having no emotions for your wife. Your "mom" is guilty; she taught you to hate females. Your perp is guilty; he taught you to love men. You were inflicted with these lessons to the point where you can't yet unlearn them. Does that make you guilty? NO. Your "mom" and your perps are INDIRECTLY guilty of your emotionlessness for your wife. They are the guilty ones, buddy. THAT is the truth. After all, you've said yourself, in a round-about way, that if you hadn't been abused as a kid, you would have grown up knowing how to appreciate females. That ability was STOLEN from you; therefore, you can't give your wife what you don't have.
And don't beat yourself up because you're not going back to your wife. You made a decision that was right for you - to be true to yourself. For a CSA survivor, that's HUGE! To remain with her - OR GOING BACK TO HER - would have meant you not being true to yourself; how happy would that have made/make either of you?
I'll be candid with you, buddy. I'm kind of surprised that she made that phone call. You've admitted that you gave her zero emotional support (not your fault, remember); so what does she expect if you go back to her? Wouldn't she be better off finding a man who can give her the emotional support you were - and still are - disabled to give her?
And buddy, you are NOT guilty of loving Ralph. You were FORCED to love him. All his "love" and "attention" to you were tools he employed in order to abuse you. You taught you to think you went to him willingly, probably to alleviate his guilt and secure your silence. Don't forget that Ralph is the criminal here; he knew it was wrong to have sex with a child, yet he selfishly did it anyway. You were the victim of a crime.
If you're still uncertain about this issue, ask yourself this question: if you were reading this story from another survivor here at MS - let's say me - would you tell me that I was guilty of loving my perp, and therefore, my abuse was my entirely my fault? Are little boys deserving of being sexually abused?
Listen to me, buddy: little Pete knows the answer to that question is a resounding "NO". Big Pete is unsure, because big Pete is still carrying "mom"'s voice and Ralph's voice in his head. They are the ones lying to you that your abuse was your fault, when you KNOW it wasn't. Listen to me, listen to your brothers, listen to little Pete: tell those voices to FUCK OFF. Every time you start to hear them, every time you start feeling like a bad man who won't amount to anything, tell your "mom" and Ralph to fuck off, 'cause you don't want to listen to them anymore. Tell them that you have proof that you are a good person who deserves happiness. Tell them that Bobcat and all of your other brothers here KNOW what a good man you are, that you are full of love, compassion, and understanding. You are deeply, dearly loved by me and your brothers, Pete, because you deserve it for all the love, compassion, and understanding you've given us.
Have your "mom" and Ralph ever lied to you? YES.
Have I ever lied to you, buddy? Have I?
Listen to me now. I've never lied to you, so this is the truth. You are NOT guilty. They were; you're not.
Please do me a huge favor, buddy. Tell little Pete - out loud - that you understand now that you, Big Pete, are not guilty of being abused by your "mom" or Ralph. Little Pete knows this already, but he still needs to hear it from you; the same way we need to be reminded that we are loved.
And you are loved, Pete. So much more than you realize. And I'm telling you this, so you know it's the truth.
((((((((((Pete)))))))))) I love you, my brother.
Heal well, my brother Pete, heal well.
Your loving brother, into eternity,