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#333460 - 06/11/10 12:21 AM Emotionally Dead
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2453
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my brothers.

This morning i received a telephone call from my (seperated) wife. She was thanking me for the beautiful card & money that i had sent her.
She was crying over me.
Just why did i walk out the door of our apartment and out from her life after 36 years of marriage?
No goodbye. No hug. No kiss. No tears. None-zero emotions from me.

We went to two therapy sessions together in Germany. She told my T that i have no emotions toward her. When she was operated on for cancer of the stomach & intestines. Did i cry and show my sadness? No. Did i try and console her? No. Did i visit her? Yes, but i was constantly looking at my watch, I didn't want to be there.

She was crying all during the phone call. Am i healed yet? No. When am i coming back to her? Never. Why? Because i found my true sexuality. I never was supposed to have been married in the first place. Like i told her before, all of my sexual & emotional pleasures have come from males.
I always have had tons of emotions for males. Both sexually &
non sexually.

She was crying because of me. She told me during that phone call that she loves me, i told her that i know that. She gave me 100% of herself, both sexually & emotionally.

But, as my T told her that i didn't receive any guidance from my "mom" on the emotional & social skills that i would need in my adult life. She got all of my emotions & social skills that i had posessed, which was none-zero.
She gave me 100% of herself. I gave her zero% in return.

Still crying, she is so lonely with out me. I love you. Can we be friends? Sure. Can i ever go to Germany to visit her? Yes, maybe for Christmas. Oh that will make me happy. Still crying, But i love you. Helene, I can never come back to you, I love males/men. That's where my sexuality & emotions are.

Did i cry over this phone call. No. Did i feel sorry that in her pain, that i'm not there to console her. No.

Like she told my T Peter was a lousy husband, but a good father & grandfather. Tons of emotions for his sons & grandsons...all MALE. None-zero for me.

I am guilty, for not showing any emotions towards her.

I am guilty, for thinking that my male perp loved me.

I am guilty of thinking that i loved Ralph, for the last 56 years.

I am guilty of liking it, i am guilty of wanting more of it. i am guilty of instigating more of it.
After all he loved me & i loved him. He taught me how to love a man.

I am guilty of being an emotional deadbeat for females.
I shed no tears over this phone call.

Heal well my brothers, heal well.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#333467 - 06/11/10 04:16 AM Re: Emotionally Dead [Re: petercorbett]
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 507
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
My dear brother Pete,

Listen to me, okay? This is Bobcat, your brother into eternity, who you know loves you dearly and unconditionally. You trust me because I've never lied to you, have I? I'm not lying to you now - I'm telling you the truth.

You are not guilty of having no emotions for your wife. Your "mom" is guilty; she taught you to hate females. Your perp is guilty; he taught you to love men. You were inflicted with these lessons to the point where you can't yet unlearn them. Does that make you guilty? NO. Your "mom" and your perps are INDIRECTLY guilty of your emotionlessness for your wife. They are the guilty ones, buddy. THAT is the truth. After all, you've said yourself, in a round-about way, that if you hadn't been abused as a kid, you would have grown up knowing how to appreciate females. That ability was STOLEN from you; therefore, you can't give your wife what you don't have.

And don't beat yourself up because you're not going back to your wife. You made a decision that was right for you - to be true to yourself. For a CSA survivor, that's HUGE! To remain with her - OR GOING BACK TO HER - would have meant you not being true to yourself; how happy would that have made/make either of you?

I'll be candid with you, buddy. I'm kind of surprised that she made that phone call. You've admitted that you gave her zero emotional support (not your fault, remember); so what does she expect if you go back to her? Wouldn't she be better off finding a man who can give her the emotional support you were - and still are - disabled to give her?

And buddy, you are NOT guilty of loving Ralph. You were FORCED to love him. All his "love" and "attention" to you were tools he employed in order to abuse you. You taught you to think you went to him willingly, probably to alleviate his guilt and secure your silence. Don't forget that Ralph is the criminal here; he knew it was wrong to have sex with a child, yet he selfishly did it anyway. You were the victim of a crime.

If you're still uncertain about this issue, ask yourself this question: if you were reading this story from another survivor here at MS - let's say me - would you tell me that I was guilty of loving my perp, and therefore, my abuse was my entirely my fault? Are little boys deserving of being sexually abused?

Listen to me, buddy: little Pete knows the answer to that question is a resounding "NO". Big Pete is unsure, because big Pete is still carrying "mom"'s voice and Ralph's voice in his head. They are the ones lying to you that your abuse was your fault, when you KNOW it wasn't. Listen to me, listen to your brothers, listen to little Pete: tell those voices to FUCK OFF. Every time you start to hear them, every time you start feeling like a bad man who won't amount to anything, tell your "mom" and Ralph to fuck off, 'cause you don't want to listen to them anymore. Tell them that you have proof that you are a good person who deserves happiness. Tell them that Bobcat and all of your other brothers here KNOW what a good man you are, that you are full of love, compassion, and understanding. You are deeply, dearly loved by me and your brothers, Pete, because you deserve it for all the love, compassion, and understanding you've given us.

Have your "mom" and Ralph ever lied to you? YES.

Have I ever lied to you, buddy? Have I?

Listen to me now. I've never lied to you, so this is the truth. You are NOT guilty. They were; you're not.

Please do me a huge favor, buddy. Tell little Pete - out loud - that you understand now that you, Big Pete, are not guilty of being abused by your "mom" or Ralph. Little Pete knows this already, but he still needs to hear it from you; the same way we need to be reminded that we are loved.

And you are loved, Pete. So much more than you realize. And I'm telling you this, so you know it's the truth.

((((((((((Pete)))))))))) I love you, my brother.

Heal well, my brother Pete, heal well. smile

Your loving brother, into eternity,

Bobcat


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#333476 - 06/11/10 09:42 AM Re: Emotionally Dead [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
Peter,

Let me join in with Bobcat and say we love you. Also Bobcat nailed it when he said:

ďAnd buddy, you are NOT guilty of loving Ralph. You were FORCED to love him. All his "love" and "attention" to you were tools he employed in order to abuse you. He taught you to think you went to him willingly, probably to alleviate his guilt and secure your silence. Don't forget that Ralph is the criminal here; he knew it was wrong to have sex with a child, yet he selfishly did it anyway. You were the victim of a crimeĒ

Deflecting guilt back to the abused is the most insidious tool a abuser has and is remarkably skilled at using. YOU have the power to redirect that guilt where it belongs. Let us help. Iíve spent a weekend sharing a cabin with you at WOR. You are not a man of Zero emotions. We talked of you wife and I could feel the emotions radiating from you. Iím not trying to detect what those emotions represented but they were there my friend and feeling them from you drew me closer to you.

Heal well my fraternal brother heal well, Earlybird

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

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#333479 - 06/11/10 10:12 AM Re: Emotionally Dead [Re: petercorbett]
Sobernow Offline


Registered: 05/17/10
Posts: 256
Loc: Oklahoma
i certainly can relate.


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#333482 - 06/11/10 11:23 AM Re: Emotionally Dead [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
wayne9 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 161
Loc: alabama
Pete, As you know I am at the beginning of facing the truth about why I am the way I am. I know I cannot tell you anything about what to do, feel or say as we both know from our conversations that you are much further along this path than I. But I would like to say that I am here for you. Too listen, talk, cry, what ever you need from me, I am here. While I have never been married and have no children I feel I can relate at least in a small way as to what your dealing with. I have never been in a sexual relationship with a female until the past 5 months. I now realize I cannot continue this with her and I have told her countless times of my feelings. See insist that we remain friends but I know she has more than just feelings of a friendship. She text and called (I sent the call the my voicemail) while I was reading your post. I feel guilty that I let our relationship go to a sexual thing knowing I had never been there and feel I have led her on. I know she cares deeply for me but those feeling are not mutual. I know my short lived relationship is nothing compared to yours but wanted to say I understand. She knows of my CSA but she doesn't comprehened how CSA effects our lives. She has been very supportive as best she can and doesn't want to let go. It pulls at my emotions, as if I didn't have enough of that to deal with already.

Pete, just hang in there. Don't let anyone push you into anything you are not comfortable with. That is what I am struggling with and know I have to be firm.

Your friend, Tim


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#333561 - 06/12/10 10:52 AM Re: Emotionally Dead [Re: wayne9]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1977
Pete,

I think these other guys have said it well. I just wanted to add something related to the call itself. I think it was great that she did call even if it was painful. You had expressed great sorrow in the past about having left, and it seems at least there is contact (with even your son visiting you here.) So although you may not be able to return to that relationship as it was, there may be a chance to find resolution with that relationship, something that might not just be a benefit to you and your (separated) wife, but also son and grandsons. In that I see it as a good thing.

Eric


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#334522 - 06/24/10 12:21 AM Re: Emotionally Dead [Re: ericc]
Rose Red Offline


Registered: 06/23/10
Posts: 3
Thank you for sharing this. You helped me. I have been reading the forums thinking of my husband (a survivor) and reacted to this even though it (mostly) doesn't fit us. What you wrote describes my first romantic relationship (jr. high thru college) with an older boy/man who was bi, then decided he was gay. He may have been sexually abused as a child. I, too, gave 100% of myself and got nothing in return. I remember the deep rejection I felt as we grew farther and farther apart and I sensed it was because he was not really interested in me sexually or as a person. He had no real emotion towards me. I'm so glad I woke up one day and realized there was nothing there and broke up with him. (He was relieved when I initiated the break up, and acted like we were friends who had never been romantically involved even though we had been engaged for a couple of years.) I can finally see it wasn't a lack of worth or desirability on my part. However, the emotional abuse I grew up with resulted in co-dependency and primed me to idolize and throw myself at someone who was emotionally unavailable. I don't know if this helps you, but I hope it does. I can see now (after a couple of years of facing my co-dependency and being in recovery for it) that tolerating a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable is hurting myself and I am responsible for the pain.


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