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#333015 - 06/05/10 03:29 PM Falling *****may trigger*****
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado

Out on this ledge
Losing more of my grip
Heels grinding my fingers
Blood soaking the tips

Drenched with "their" shame
What all have "they" done?
Too embarrassed to say
But no place to run

"Them" laughing above
Me hanging below
"They" have no mercy
"They" may have no soul

I'm scared and I'm naked
Wounds out in full view
Ignored, barely seen
What more can I do

Screams heard as whispers
It's not loud enough
"They" always get me
No help from above

Every day with the question
Should I just fall?
Don't know if I'll die
But to live is to crawl

I can't save myself
I have nothing to give
Killed too many times
To feel like I live

Too much to handle
My story will end
Most likely a tragedy
I can't pretend

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

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#333037 - 06/05/10 06:49 PM Re: Falling *****may trigger***** [Re: usmc97]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
Whoa USMC man that's dark. The ending is disturbing. Sorry my friend that you are in this place. A place many of us are far too familar with. Remember you don't have to pretend and there is always hope.

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

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#333092 - 06/06/10 01:30 PM Re: Falling *****may trigger***** [Re: earlybird]
Lenz Offline


Registered: 04/23/10
Posts: 61
Loc: San Francisco

Poerty heals what prose makes no room for. "To live is to crawl" makes so much sense given the gravity of what you have written. Thank you.


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#333237 - 06/07/10 11:04 PM Re: Falling *****may trigger***** [Re: Lenz]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
I can't find hope and neither can anybody else when it comes to me. I just keep getting told there's "always hope" but nobody can name it.

Sorry, I know it might get harder and harder to tell me anything, there is just no positive thing to latch onto.

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

Top
#333247 - 06/08/10 06:36 AM Re: Falling *****may trigger***** [Re: usmc97]
Lenz Offline


Registered: 04/23/10
Posts: 61
Loc: San Francisco
usmc97,

By giving voice to your feelings, and sharing your thoughts here (& maybe this will surprise you) you give! ... and we latch on... yes, for hope in being understood ourselves, and in those feelings.

Recognize your talents because they are not lost on the people around you, certainly not on these readers, my friend. Use breath as your guide, and find the words that will lead you out of this, and perhaps show you another horizon.

There is another horizon, after all, just beyond the obstacle you're facing.

Pais,
Lenz






Edited by Lenz (06/08/10 06:41 AM)

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#333249 - 06/08/10 06:59 AM Re: Falling *****may trigger***** [Re: Lenz]
MusicMan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/23/03
Posts: 144
Loc: Elmira, NY
I realize that what we have been through has nothing positive about it. However, what is positive now is that we are here.

The first thing every morning that I wake up is that I thank God for life and health and breath. I/we have all of these things. I am able to get out of bed by myself. I have the ability to make choices. I am independent. Those things sound simple, but they are profound because everything else that we do stems off of these blessings.

usmc, I do remember quite a while ago that you were in the same frame of being. It sounds like you haven't made any progress over the years. I wonder if you count your blessings. They are definitely there. If you are here, then they are there. From what you've written, it sounds like you are still living in the past and haven't moved forward at all. The fact is, you are not there; none of us are. We are here today. I don't know if you have any support, but we are here and we all care about you.

I would love to see you post something here about the good qualities and things about you. You have them. You made the choice to be here and that is a good thing. It is telling me that you are reaching out. So are we. Those are good things.

People have taken advantage of you. They have taken advantage of all of us. But, take advantage of what you have here - support - from guys who have been there and know how you feel. I'm not sure what you are holding on to that keeps you so very stuck, but I encourage you to look at it, share it, give light to it and let it go. Move forward. You only have one life. This is it. Make it count for good. There is so much good in there. I'm sure of it.

And for you others who have posted, thank you for the positive input. It lets me know that I am not alone and that life can be good. We can move forward.

God bless,
John


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#333292 - 06/08/10 03:49 PM Re: Falling *****may trigger***** [Re: MusicMan]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
The things that happen as I "wake-up" do not bring feelings of being blessed. I'm not allowed to have a life, to still be breathing is more of a curse, I can't get up with all the pain I can't do nothing but cry til I can move. I don't get to have choices, I get what I'm allowed to do. I'm not independent, I can't even provide for myself. I do what I can when I can. Folks who I don't feel safe enough around might not see the effects as much, I have to hide things and protect myself as much as I can from those who are any kind of threat to me. Those closest to me see a lot of the life I really have and can vouch for all I have ever tried to say.

I am not in the past, the fact is my present in a lot of ways is worse than my past. I know what I go through don't make sense to anybody, doctors included, it don't make sense to me but all that makes no difference, it don't change things from being done to me. I am not given the chance to "move on", "let go", "grow", etc. "It" is not over for me, I'm sorry I can't say different, something that I don't think many are really hearing. I scream it and it's met with mostly disbelief and criticism. I know people mean well, I know people don't want be faced with what I go through as being a reality. I am not holding onto anything for these things to be done to me. I don't deserve to be tortured for life.

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

Top
#333342 - 06/09/10 03:11 AM Re: Falling *****may trigger***** [Re: usmc97]
Lenz Offline


Registered: 04/23/10
Posts: 61
Loc: San Francisco
usmc,

This is the process as I see it: You have been challenged to your right to your own voice. This voice, that you were born with, and have innately, is riddled with frustration now. Frustration leads to anger, yes, but ANGER IS NOT AN EMOTION.

Anger is rather the easy recourse that we turn to when, for some other or more complex reason, the right emotion cannot be found, tapped, or does not seem to suffice. Anger is...instead of the right emotion: happiness, sadness, envy, guilt, and fear. If I didn't have the right to these, usmc, I would still be just as pissed off as I was when I was a very confused twelve-year-old kid.

I was sexually abused at eight, you see, and my very misdirected anger lead to further physical and psychological abuse from my family. By not having my voice at that time (I had infact become illiterate) confusion mounted. I allowed every new episode, and next level of abuse to stack right up onto the first.

If this seems like unsolicited or general advise, please excuse me, but I think, to find the right emotion to express what you are feeling, try work toward releasing your anger though communication systems that are trust-worthy and human, and operate out of the basic principle of compassion. These are ethical systems: law, family, society, education, art, philosophy, and liberation struggles where they relate to your own survival (or politics). Try to renew your relationship to these systems contantly, and to accept your failures as lessons. You will not be defeated.

Try to remember, as you are not the only victim of csa, that there is no way you can have at your disposal the only solution. The problem of childhood sexual assault is systemic. To defeat it, and to mitigate its consequences, we must meet it systemically: at every level, and with every suitable emotion.

Allow me to posit this as a generalization: The world will be entirely different the moment that you (any survivor) has begun, in the healthiest, most effective, and precise way, to claim your voice, your experience, and your healing process. Only then can you begin to change and prevent the other destructive consequences your trauma may lead to. When you get here, it will appear that there is nothing else worth doing. This is good news.

So, I leave you with some inspiration from a very close friend:

Quote:
He who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance: one cannot fly into flying. With rope ladders I have learned to climb to many a window; with swift legs I climbed high masts; and to sit on high masts of knowledge seemed to me no small happiness: to flicker like small flames on high masts--a small light only and yet a great comfort for shipwrecked sailors and castaways.

Friedrich Nietzsche
Thus Spoke Zarathrstra


Pais,
Lenz




Edited by Lenz (06/09/10 03:14 AM)

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#333371 - 06/09/10 01:13 PM Re: Falling *****may trigger***** [Re: Lenz]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
I don't do anything that's self-destructive or self-defeating, the things in my life are not under my control. A positive attitude only lasts so long before it becomes denial. Every path known toward healing has been taken over and over again, the only thing different is what is not available. I don't have a whole lot of anger, I don't know where you're getting that from. I'm sad, I'm scared, I'm frustrated, I'm confused, I'm just plain tired. I don't really have hope because there is not really any evidence to give it. If anybody here knew they were going to get "hurt" in the next 48 hours even remotely like the ways I've experienced would they be able to do any better? Look at it any different when they see and feel the evidence upon their bodies? These things I try to speak of are not "body memories" and they are not self inflicted.

I have not been this way my whole life, I am out of my element having to live the way I do even outside from what I go through when I "sleep". I seem to have handled everything better as a kid and I don't understand how, I was always expected to handle everything. I'd get tortured, get killed and then within a couple hours get home and finish my homework. Now, I can't hardly function at all a lot of the time.

I'm forced to live the way I do now, it's not from my lack of doing something, my allowing something, or anything within myself... I know the difference. I've been a leader all my life, my "home", through school, in the Marines. What I am now is not me, what I go through now is not because of me. I've done everything possible since "they" first came back to attack me. It makes no sense to anybody including myself but that doesn't destract from the fact that it is real, I am being harmed, and there is no end in sight.

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

Top


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