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#333257 - 06/08/10 09:48 AM female companion to a male incest victim
9231956 Offline


Registered: 06/08/10
Posts: 10
Loc: south east
I have recently been reunited with a man after 35 years who is a victim of incest, abuse inflicting by his father. Returning to his hometown has caused a tremendous amount of turmoil. I do understand the symptoms but I don't know how to be supportive, cope with and remain healthy. I haven't found any programs to support me while supporting the man I love. Any suggestions?


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#333424 - 06/10/10 11:13 AM Re: female companion to a male incest victim [Re: 9231956]
KingFred Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/23/10
Posts: 57
Loc: West Coast, USA
First, welcome to MS.
Second, on behalf of us survivors, THANK YOU for caring and loving your man so much that you're helping him in these hard times (besides the fact that you are remaining with him, which is more than I can say about other "significant others).
As far as helping yourself remain sane, there's a few ways of going about it but my main suggestion would be to get yourself a counselor(/therapist, whatever you want to call them). Other than that, keep yourself as grounded as possible. What I mean is, rely on whatever (healthy) coping mechanisms you employ (w/ the exception of any that would hurt or cause added stress to your man). Also, since he is in this turmoil, you may need to develop a thicker skin. He might just be overly-stressed/-angered and might (accidently?) say something out of that stress or anger.

_________________________
Not particularly a fan of hugs. High fives and well wishes are always appreciated though.

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#333637 - 06/13/10 11:28 AM Re: female companion to a male incest victim [Re: KingFred]
9231956 Offline


Registered: 06/08/10
Posts: 10
Loc: south east
Thank you for your kind words. I am going to a therapist with him to work though our stuff. I was also part of a 12 step recovery program at my church a few years ago. Working with this program gave me a great deal of insight into sex addictions.My counselor just told me something simular don't take it all too personaly. Again thanks.


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#340025 - 09/11/10 03:09 AM Re: female companion to a male incest victim [Re: 9231956]
rebecca24 Offline


Registered: 07/15/09
Posts: 34
Loc: AZ
I am also a companion of an incest survivor. Everyday is a learning experience and remember he is not always going to be like he is now. Therapy is a good idea, stay, but I would encourage you also that therapy is not the only way to deal with this issue. It is still very new to a lot of professionals. I highly recomend that you learn as much as possible. it is still very stigmatized Read the book by Haddock DID Sourcebook. He may not have this disorder but it gives you a way to cope and where to find chat rooms for additional support. I hope this is of help also. but I am still learnin g too and coping


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#340029 - 09/11/10 09:10 AM Re: female companion to a male incest victim [Re: 9231956]
SunnyGirl Offline


Registered: 07/13/10
Posts: 79
I think it's great that you are accompanying your partner to his therapy sessions. I know that for me, the more that I learn, the more I start realizing I'm taking on patterns that he has developed. For example, I am now forced to withhold secrets from my family and friends because his CSA experience is not for me to discuss with other people. In an effort to not betray his trust, I am perpetuating the silence that surrounds CSA. So my question for you, though, is what are you doing for you? Is your partner open about the CSA? Do you have someone aside from him that you can talk to about how it impacts you? There may be things that you are thinking or feeling that you might hold back during a session with your joint counselor because you don't want to make him feel like he's hurting you. As you learn more, you will see that abandonment issues are a common problem and a lot of men fear we will leave them so it may be hard for him to hear how his CSA is impacting you. But I think it's important that you acknowledge your feelings -- you are now part of this process and it will not leave you unchanged. Having someone aside from him to talk to open and honestly is important because he's going through a lot himself as he starts therapy and while you should share your feelings with him, you also be cognizant of not overwhelming him by making him take on your burdens.

MS is a great outlet for learning and sharing with others because we understand the difficulties and emotions you're going through. The moderators supposed to be trying to re-start a weekly chat session (or something like that) for supporters some time this month -- that might be something else to consider.

SunnyGirl

_________________________
"When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us." - H. Keller

"Change & growth take place when a person has risked himself & dares to become involved w/ experimenting w/ his own life." - H. Otto

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#340059 - 09/11/10 06:15 PM Re: female companion to a male incest victim [Re: SunnyGirl]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2435
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, ladies.

I am also an incest survivor.

I just want you to know that i offer you all, my compassion, understanding & love.

You all have a difficult task. And i wish you well for your sticking by your partner.

" I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As HE is ME.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#340080 - 09/12/10 02:16 AM Re: female companion to a male incest victim [Re: 9231956]
Pattycakes Offline


Registered: 05/23/10
Posts: 109
Loc: Canada
Hi there !
glad you found MS. Although I'm sorry you and your man need it... Therapy and counseling are great for the both of you, you seem like a well balanced person.
I have been in love myself with a wonderful man for over a year now and through the ups and downs, it has been overall the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I hope things work out for you guys !

Sincerely,
Pattycakes

_________________________
If you judge people, you have no time to love them.-Mother Theresa




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#340081 - 09/12/10 02:43 AM Re: female companion to a male incest victim [Re: Pattycakes]
rebecca24 Offline


Registered: 07/15/09
Posts: 34
Loc: AZ
Sunny Girl-- I never find it difficult to discuss my feelings with my companion or others. He is very open with me


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#340082 - 09/12/10 02:46 AM Re: female companion to a male incest victim [Re: rebecca24]
rebecca24 Offline


Registered: 07/15/09
Posts: 34
Loc: AZ
Try not to hold any secrets it will not betray trust especially from your family. Try to be open and honest with each other


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#340083 - 09/12/10 03:10 AM Re: female companion to a male incest victim [Re: rebecca24]
rebecca24 Offline


Registered: 07/15/09
Posts: 34
Loc: AZ
Peter when you say difficult although you are right i do not find it difficult because I have also been abused and his encouragement has helped me over the years but I do have a burning question to ask you personally. maybe two

1. Why is sex so challenging for these men, can they be intimate in the bedroom at all. My friend feels much better not having to bother with it at all. He was hurt and let down by his mother, but it was amazing that he has trusted me as much as hew has, but he fears being let down again. He also has had a sister who is currently controlling him


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#340085 - 09/12/10 04:31 AM Re: female companion to a male incest victim [Re: rebecca24]
rebecca24 Offline


Registered: 07/15/09
Posts: 34
Loc: AZ
i agree with pattycakes it is the best thing that has happened to me as well and i am trying to lead this man to safety and take care of his needs the best i am able. He wanted friendship and he found one through me. I am an advocate for the government and that was when we met. Sometime he can be possitive but at other time s feels lost. We have had excellent talks about the bible and he encouraged me to go into ministry


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#340086 - 09/12/10 04:33 AM Re: female companion to a male incest victim [Re: rebecca24]
rebecca24 Offline


Registered: 07/15/09
Posts: 34
Loc: AZ
i agree with pattycakes it is the best thing that has happened to me as well and i am trying to lead this man to safety and take care of his needs the best i am able. He wanted friendship and he found one through me. I am an advocate for the government and that was when we met. Sometime he can be possitive but at other time s feels lost. We have had excellent talks about the bible and he encouraged me to go into ministry


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#340120 - 09/12/10 06:37 PM Re: female companion to a male incest victim [Re: rebecca24]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2435
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, rebecca24.
. He loved me..He told me so.
I am probably the last person in the world one would ask that question to.

I was in an emotionless marriage (strictly on my part). My (separated) wife of 36 years gave me 100% of herself. I gave her none-zero. She gave me 2 fine sons, one from a previous marriage and one from us two. In March of last year, i just walked out the door of our apartment. There were no hugs. There were no kisses. There were no goodbye's. No thanks & finally no tears. No emotions from me at all.

I was never taught those necessary skills of emotions & social interaction between boys & girls. I never really had any interactions with girls/females, save for that young German lady whom tried to date me. She seemed to like me for who i was (then) as i really was emotionally immature, socially immature and also sexually immature. I never really felt just right with her.

Now, intamicy in the bedroom. Well, we had a son together. But, i never was one for intimacy with a female. I never had any emotional/sexual connection to them.

But, i have had tons of emotional connections with males, both sexually & non sexually. From my age of 10 onward to today, i have always been in a male dominated world.

MAY BE DISTURBING TO READ.

Ralph, was (the "mom" & dad,) that i never had. I have never seen my dad. But had a sister 3 years younger. (A miracle birth)? I had always loved Ralph, right up to a few months ago.
He, loved me. HE TOLD ME SO. I went with strangers, because they loved me too. I've had a few homosexual affairs over these years. No female has ever given me those emotional & sexual pleasures than have the males in my life.

In, my opinion in answer to your question is. Just maybe like me they might not have been sure of their sexuality. For me, i liked it, i wanted it, it made me feel good, i went back for more & i even instigated it. So, just what was I? I must have been gay, because of what i had just written. Or, am i bi-sexual? Or, am i straight?
With all of that baggage now having come to the surface that is probably something very powerful for him to sort out. But, with your kindness & understanding i think that you both can work out that fear of intimacy.

First, it was his "mom" abusing/controling him, and now his sister.

He surely, needs a loving (Non controling) steady hand, to help him over his fears.
He is very lucky to have you to help soothe & guide him.
I wish you both well on both well on your road to recovery.

'I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As HE is ME.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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