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#333158 - 06/07/10 12:05 AM Where was God?
tarheel Offline


Registered: 04/16/09
Posts: 13
I'm cutting and pasting an excerpt from an e-mail I sent a friend who was formerly my pastor. Please share your thoughts with me.

I have mentioned to you before, I believe, that I've been angry with God over the sexual abuse from my childhood. I had a spell of many months when that was not an issue. It came from reading The Shack and reading the conversation between Mac and God over Mac's daughter's murder. I read the free will argument, and it really eased my pain. But I'm having trouble with that now.

I've been seeing a therapist in Manchester, and I've done a few sessions of a kind of therapy designed for those who have experienced trauma to process the intense/devastating emotions that are associated memories of the traumatic events. It's difficult, upsetting, excruciating work. You end up allowing memories you've been running from your whole life to surface. You feel them again. You see, smell, even taste what happened. EMDR is the therapy and it involves helping your brain to break a huge trauma up and process it in small pieces in a way the brain has never been able to do before.

EMDR has reawakened my anger. It's especially intense when I'm in church or if I go to a 12-step meeting when they're dealing with a higher power step. There is anger boiling underneath my exterior at all times. I have lashed out at my family (never physically, and never would). I've experienced road rage. I'm losing my temper right and left. The therapist you directed me to (I've lost his name) in Tennessee spent a good deal of time trying to get me to admit that I'm angry, and I just didn't feel it. Now, it's way too much of what I feel.

I need someone's help. I trust you. I believe if you can't help you will direct me toward someone who might be able to help me.

I can accept the free will argument when it comes to the actions of my cousin. God did not make him groom me and then seduce me forty years ago. He chose to do that. But where was God when I chose to please my cousin?

At eight years old, how did I have the knowledge to make a choice of whether or not to let him put his penis in my mouth? How would any eight year old child have any idea of the repercussions that choice would make? For a kid it's, "My cousin is a teenager and he's cool, and he'll like me if I do what he wants." No child could know how making that decision would follow them the rest of their lives. No child.

Where was God then? That's what I want to know. Where was He? How could God be gracious and loving, all knowing, all powerful and let an eight year old boy put a penis in his mouth?

I go about my day. I do my job. I show up and get through it. It's a good thing I've had decades to learn how to soldier through depression, cause that's the only way I am able to continue. This thing wants to destroy me. If I were alone I would let it.


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#333162 - 06/07/10 02:57 AM Re: Where was God? [Re: tarheel]
bla Offline


Registered: 04/25/10
Posts: 89
Loc: Northern Ireland
cryI share your pain,I share your anger and I most of all share your not knowing.
When I was nine and being abused by the christian Brothers I asked that same questions,"Where was God,when I needed him most","Where was he,when these so-called men of God,hammered six-inch nails into the back of my hand while they were rapeing me,and saying,"now feel the pain that Jesus went though because of sinners like you","Where was God,when they rammed a crucifix up my back passage,and they said,"You've just been F***** by jesus and laughing when they did that".
Indeed,"Where was God,when I told my Mother about what happened,and she stood by her church and beieved their lies and told me never to speak of ,what she called,"MY SHAME".
At that age I also asked time and time again,"God,"Where are you,"Come down from heaven and destroy they evil people".But it never happened.
Many,many years later,I found out about God's real love and found that God does not interfere in the actions of what we do,He gives us fee will to choose between good and evil,But when we come face to face with him,We will all be judged on our actions and our deeds.
Hope this brings you some comfort.
BLA.

_________________________
May,life,light and love be ever with you.

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#333165 - 06/07/10 06:13 AM Re: Where was God? [Re: bla]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
bla yes but,

some of us who used to believe and many years later found out there was another twist maybe he doesn't exist.

Plus bla your words

"God does not interfere in the actions of what we do,He gives us fee will to choose between good and evil,But when we come face to face with him,We will all be judged on our actions and our deeds."

could be interpreted as you were saying that tarheal had a choice here and his actions will be judged when he faces God.

I am not trying to say this is what you meant just asking for clarification. Your brother in recovery, Earlybird

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

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#333207 - 06/07/10 04:59 PM Re: Where was God? [Re: earlybird]
bla Offline


Registered: 04/25/10
Posts: 89
Loc: Northern Ireland
No earlybird i'm not saying that tarheal is to blame in any way,i was talking about is cousin,and all the abusers like him,they and them only are to blame,its the same as me,am i to be judged by god for letting my abusers and my mother do to me what they wanted.

_________________________
May,life,light and love be ever with you.

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#333221 - 06/07/10 08:25 PM Re: Where was God? [Re: bla]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
Right on and thanks bla

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

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#333434 - 06/10/10 03:30 PM Re: Where was God? [Re: earlybird]
KingFred Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/23/10
Posts: 57
Loc: West Coast, USA
Religion/spirituality has been one of my biggest hangups. My abuser was an elder in his church...not sure if he is or not. My family has told me that the church he was going to threw him out (what's the word? Excommunicate? Ex...something or other). Don't know if it was because of what happened to me or (from what my family has told me) my abuser being emotionally unstable.
But...that hasn't been the biggest hiccup with me and religion/spirituality. I've got a problem with a religion where an adult can sexually abuse children for years then end up going to heaven/have a positive afterlife because, on their death bed, the abuser asked whatever Higher Power there is for forgiveness.
That, and I've also wondered where God/Higher Power was when I was being abused. True, S/He doesn't want to interfere with an individual's choices, but couldn't they cause an earthquake or spark a fire or do something that would stop the abuse? Or cause the pipes to freeze up or break? (part of my abuse was in the shower and bath)

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#333436 - 06/10/10 04:14 PM Re: Where was God? [Re: KingFred]
bla Offline


Registered: 04/25/10
Posts: 89
Loc: Northern Ireland
Hi KingFred,I've asked that same question all through my life,what would happen if my abusers,who called themselves,"Men of us and tried to covince me that they were closer to god than I was.
But I know within my heart,that this is not true.
We tend to look at what god does,through our eyes,I don't think a loving god,would allow abusers and murders to go free of what they have done in their lives,Its is the same with the catholic church and their confessions,When I was young and within the church and brain-washed like the rest of them,I believed that I could do whatever i like and go to the priest at the weekend and he would forgive me in the name of god,my sins,and then go back and do more again and be forgiven time and time again.
But its told time and time again in the bible,'Once to die,then the judgement'.
The catholic church,takes this so-called forgiveness of sins from the time that jesus was dying on the cross and one of them with him asked for forgiveness,But if you look it up in any bible,its does not say that jesus or anyone forgave him,.Jesus states;"Today you will be with me in heaven,that does not mean,he was forgiven,it means we will all go to heaven to face god,who will judge us all,on what we have done in word and deed.It is also stated in the bible time and time again."all have sinned and come short of the glory of god".

BLA

_________________________
May,life,light and love be ever with you.

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#335060 - 07/01/10 08:41 PM Re: Where was God? [Re: bla]
Dude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/05
Posts: 116
Loc: Fort Smith, AR
I was lost and then one day they were teaching in the book of Job. Job was a man of God and did nothing wrong in the sight of the Lord but was allowed to be tempted by Satan to Curse God. I feel like Job. The only diffrence is, is that I cursed God and told him he should be raped and sold for sex like I was and see how hw likes it. But in the end Job gets back way more than he had before. I finally got the chance to work with youth in the Juvinial detention center and that's the biggest blessing I wanted, to help kids so they don't have to go thru what I did. And I know God isn't gonna stop there. Sorry for rambling. -Casper for D


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#335062 - 07/01/10 09:27 PM Re: Where was God? [Re: Dude]
MusicMan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/23/03
Posts: 144
Loc: Elmira, NY
Well men,

All I can say is that I am not the judge. As I go through recovery, one thing I know that I developed because of my abuse is perfectionism, which very much stood in the way of my recovery. Through the process, I found that I had to resign my self-proclaimed position as the General Manager of the Universe because it is much too big of a job. I came to realize that I can't handle it and that God can. He does know what He is doing and I don't. "For the wisdom of this world is is foolishness in God's sight."

Who am I that I think that I can understand the mind of God or judge Him in any way? Do I like anything that happened to me with the abuse? NO! Could He have prevented nay or all of it? I'm sure that He could have. Why didn't He? I don't know. Where was He? I'm sure that He never left my side. Where is He when I sin? I'm sure that He is at my side. Why doesn't He prevent me from sinning? I don't know. All I know is that, God knows what He is doing, and I trust Him.

God bless,
John


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#335555 - 07/07/10 11:18 PM Re: Where was God? [Re: MusicMan]
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
hi john hope u r doing well up in NY

mj

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Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
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