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#333100 - 06/06/10 03:14 PM Not sure why I did it but I need to go again
kutcher Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/16/08
Posts: 99
Loc: Delaware
I have lived near the spot of my original abuse all my life. Recently life has been in utter turmoil and in a terrible down spin and it may not be over yet. For some reason it occured to me I had not been back to that spot, that exact treee where the original abuse took place. So today I went back and I acutally found the spot, the exact tree and it was funny nothing much had changed in the woodsy area, it was still overgrown most of the trees were still there it was if nothing ever happened, nature did not care the universe went on. Funny my life in many ways ended there for these last 30 some years and yet the woods went on as if nothing had happened. Maybe that is the point, now that I remember what happend maybe I need to just go on. Not sure wha I was trying to ffind but I went. I think I need to go back with a plan Iwent today and just creid at least my dog was there with me this time. Ihit the tree a few times but I think I need to go back with a purpurpose and do somehtineg . Anyway input is welcome

Kutcher


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#333110 - 06/06/10 04:51 PM Re: Not sure why I did it but I need to go again [Re: kutcher]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
that's what sux the most... is that the universe seems to have such an uncaring and cavalier an attitude towards our pain. life and death goes on, as if nothing happened. this website is here as testament that SOMETHING HAPPENED and what happened MATTERED! and we will not allow it to NOT matter!

regards,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#333113 - 06/06/10 05:31 PM Re: Not sure why I did it but I need to go again [Re: Sans Logos]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 982
Loc: HULBERT OK
Go back there with a chain saw wink

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#333123 - 06/06/10 07:10 PM Re: Not sure why I did it but I need to go again [Re: kutcher]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
When I first got free of physical abuse I was sent to live with my dad who was a very abusive man in his own right. If he bothered to deal with me at all he constantly told me what a piece of shit a was.
About this time I had my first love relationship. It ended badly because I had no idea what was going on inside me and couldn't talk to anyone about it since my abusers had me convinced, even after I didn't know why, that if I told anyone what was going on in my head I'd be locked up. So I would lash out and hit her. SHe outweighed me by 40-50 lbs and I was 95-105lbs at the time and couldn't change a tire on my own. Yet I did freak out on her. I mostly juswt swung wildly and hit with my forarms on her back then we'd have sex for hours. It was very weird shameful and painful to me as I didn't understand what was happening to me and I didn't like the fact that the positive reinforcement made it seem normal even though everyone said it was wrong that I got so angry.
It affected me deeply and got worse as I came to realize that she was picking fights with me I assume because she liked the makeup sex.
Tis followed me for a long time and I tried to hide from it. I never did her any harm or left a mark on her but I was filled with shame and fear over it. It hung on after I began to realize who she was and that maybe I wasn't in love so much as needing love. The person she was slowly came into focus over time, and it turns out she wasn't a very nice person at all and probably was abused herself.
Even after realizing my part wasn't the only part as I had thought and that she was a very defective person herself I couldn't get away from the shame and pain of it. Then one day almost twenty years on I went to that town and to the places we used to go and hang out. I took pictures of it all as the place was changeing.

Anyway seeing it all as an adult (this relationship took place from 16-17) it came into focus. It was in that time after I had done the 12 steps where I had some peace in me and I wasn't wound as tight as a drum. I was pretty sure I'd dealt with all my past except this part. That being there and remembering the things that went on and how bad I felt while anticipating and wanting it at the same time (very like the abuse from my aunt) made it all fade for me. I was finally able to accept that she had a part in what happened between us. I was finally able to accept that she was more astute about people than I and manipulated me into some of our fights on purpose knjowing how I'd react to the subject. That still makes me feel a bit sick that I was being made to feel so bad for her entertainment apparently. I don't think she had any idea how evil and bad I felt about what was going on between us and how I felt worthless for not being able to "be a man".

In the end seeing the places we hung out and acted out made it more real for me which made it easier to incorporate it all into myself and accept my part of what went down. That was the first time I was able to think about that relationship and not feel evil about myself.

Sometimes our part is that we were present, which does not convey responsibility. That is for those of you who had no part in whatever happened.



Edited by kidneythis (06/06/10 07:16 PM)
_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#333129 - 06/06/10 08:14 PM Re: Not sure why I did it but I need to go again [Re: kidneythis]
DannyT Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 402
The universe does go on, and we should be able to go on with it, but we get ourselves stuck in the past. I don't feel complicit in the abuse, but I am complicit in letting it keep its hold on me.

Our pain is our pain because we hold onto it. We keep it close. We tuck it in at night and consume it with our food.

At some level the abuse is just something that happened, like an apple falling from a branch.

I just wish I could let it be as simple as it really is, but somehow I can't be one with the universe's fuller perspective. I keep holding on and making it personal, and I keep on reacting to the world as though it did something to me, as though all the guys out there are somehow part of the abuse, and as though my having a sexuality at all makes me somehow part of a system of nastiness, when I'm just another man living a life.

Somehow when that particular apple fell from the tree it lodged somewhere in me and now the recording keeps skipping back and replaying something that ought to be in the past with all the other dead leaves and apples from all the years between now and then.

Danny

ps: for things to do out there near the tree, Starhawk's book The Spiral Dance has lots of great rituals that might be useful.


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#333349 - 06/09/10 09:02 AM Re: Not sure why I did it but I need to go again [Re: DannyT]
kutcher Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/16/08
Posts: 99
Loc: Delaware
Thanks all of you for replying. I will look for the Spiral Dance and try to find something. It is amazing how the universe continues on and yet I keep being pulled back to the original abuse and events in my life now are spiralling down and they can all be traced back to that original moment.

Again thank you all for your thoughts I needed to talk about it and I appreciate the input.

Love, Honor and Respect

Kutcher


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#333357 - 06/09/10 09:52 AM Re: Not sure why I did it but I need to go again [Re: kutcher]
wayne9 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 161
Loc: alabama
During the past winter I went back to my old home place. The house burned a few years ago but the foundation is still there. I stood where I knew my bedroom was. The feeling I had at that time is hard to describe. I knew I was standing in the very place where some of the abuse took place. I also walked in the woods in the area where one of the times that I strongly remember it happening. I remember a place where the ground was very rocky. Flat,smooth with the dirt. I remember walking with him to find the rocky area so we would not get dirty laying on the ground. I wanted to find that place but could not. I want to go back sometime and find it. Don't know why, but know I want too.


Tim


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#333570 - 06/12/10 01:21 PM Re: Not sure why I did it but I need to go again [Re: wayne9]
kutcher Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/16/08
Posts: 99
Loc: Delaware
Wayne9,

Thanks for responding and I get the feeling that I need to go back again and do something, I also dont know why but I need to as well


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#333654 - 06/13/10 03:44 PM Re: Not sure why I did it but I need to go again [Re: kutcher]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
I felt the same urge you did when I returned to Toronto last summer for a visit. Toronto is where the abuse happened to me as a young street kid, in alleyways and in cheap motels, so I wanted to re-visit some of these places, perhaps to receive some closure, I don't know. Anyways in the end I couln't bring myself to re-visit these sites but I wish I could have. Perhaps for us it is similar to what old war veterans need when decades later they return to the scenes of battles they fought in. You can see on their faces that it is not easy for them being there but at the same time there is a drive to do so. JS

_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.


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#333658 - 06/13/10 04:29 PM Re: Not sure why I did it but I need to go again [Re: jls]
Builders Offline


Registered: 06/10/10
Posts: 11
Loc: AZ
I have made a similar journey!! I found it to be very healing. I wish the same for you! I found the ground or the building was as Innocent as me. It seemed to say I'm was not put here for this. Someone else chose to use me also!! I found a lot of power in confronting the scene's of these crimes. They were no longer ghost haunting me!! I do understand the courage this takes, but in finding courage you find power over this for yourself.

_________________________
If you want to be truely free!! You must learn to LOVE, and FORGIVE!! You can't have one without the other

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