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#33301 - 03/30/05 04:57 PM Another baby step
bkeithb Offline
Member

Registered: 03/23/05
Posts: 63
Loc: Milwaukee
You men have encouraged me so much in the last week and a half. Your courage is contagious.

I took a baby step yesterday. I contacted several therapists in my area to ask about their experience/background in dealing with male SA cases.

I've yet to make an appointment. Mainly because I'm scared to death to actually sit in front of a live human being and talk about stuff I've buried for so long. It's easier to be anonymous here at MS. Also, because in order to see a therapist (and, consequently spend money), I'd need to sit down with my lovely wife and share my SA history with her and why I'm seeking counseling. A VERY frightening prospect.

But ... I made a baby step. And I have you courageous men to thank for allowing your courage to "rub off" onto me.

Thanks!

_________________________
bkeithb

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#33302 - 03/30/05 05:40 PM Re: Another baby step
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Keith,

I was so timid posting here in the early days, I was at last dealing with all of this pain big style, to some extent I still do.

The pain lessens, the more we identify with all the hurt and misery that we have endured, "facing" it, is better than burying it away.

Your wife married you because she loved you, she needs to know, just what is hurting, and it should bond you closer together.

It is good to see that you ask these therapists all the right questions, and yes, it is vital that they have experience in this field.

Keep your head above the waves, baby steps, will soon turn into giant steps as you get to know more about yourself, and feelings,

take care,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#33303 - 03/30/05 05:49 PM Re: Another baby step
healing_inside Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/28/05
Posts: 2005
Keith,

Your healing has begun. I am really happy you took the big step. I know it took a lot of courage because I remember when I took that step over a year ago.

For me it has been a long and pain journey, but we make it every day from the support from family, friends and a huge support from the guys here.

I am really really happy for you.

\:\)

_________________________
I can't come to the phone right now, I am out living my life

*** WoR Retreat Alumni - Alta 2005 ***

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#33304 - 03/30/05 05:58 PM Re: Another baby step
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
After my difficult session with my T Monday, I sat down with my wife and we cried together over my SA history. I was surprised to find it didn't mess her up over last couple of days. In fact, she's been closer to me. She knew about the SA, but I haven't really talked to her about it in years. It was a good thing. She doesn't have to know every gory detail. Just her knowing I was hurt and how it has affected me was enough.

Oh, and getting started each week with my T is absolute torture, and he doesn't help any. I want to talk about the weather or my yard--ANYTHING but that. He sits there and waits for me to get to the silence and then he says, "OK, so where did you want to start?" Silence. But when I finally dive in, it's hard to shut me up.

I'm so glad you're going to talk to someone. Every little step takes us one layer closer to the core person we really are. Good work.

_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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#33305 - 03/30/05 06:53 PM Re: Another baby step
bkeithb Offline
Member

Registered: 03/23/05
Posts: 63
Loc: Milwaukee
Thanks for the encouragement and ongoing support.

Question - I was asked by a female therapist as to my feelings about whether I would prefer a male or female therapist. I didn't really know how to reply.

On the one hand - a man might understand some of my emotions as a man. On the other hand - having been abused by a man, it has the potential of feeling awkward talking about the SA with a man. Perhaps a female therapist would be less ... what's the word ... threatening? I don't really know.

Do any of you men have experiences to relate ... advice to give?

_________________________
bkeithb

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#33306 - 03/30/05 07:28 PM Re: Another baby step
lostone Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/09/05
Posts: 14
One of my friends has started therapy with a Male after SA by a male. She says in a way it helps her to realize that not everyone is out to hurt her. I don't know who I would choose, probably a male cos they would understand how I feel. I'm not ready for that step yet, congrats to you on yout strength.


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#33307 - 03/30/05 07:45 PM Re: Another baby step
Curtis St. John Offline
Past President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/20/04
Posts: 1796
Loc: Westchester, N.Y.
We decided to find a therapist when we began to have family issues (at the time I hadn’t made any connection with the trouble and my abuse). We were having trouble with the kids, my wife and I were arguing, all the textbook stuff, and we found a great female therapist who would take whoever needed her the most at the time or the whole family as a group, or any combination.

It was a year into therapy when we said, “You know… I was abused as a kid… do you think that has anything to do with this?”

So at that point she didn’t seem too confident about handling a male survivor and suggested I may have better results with someone else. Well I thought about it and one thing that was working very well in our case was that she had the entire picture of what was going on in the family, not just my side or my wife’s or the kid’s, and I didn’t want to break that up because she was giving really solid opinions based on everyone’s perspective.

I also liked her a lot, she was really down to earth, didn’t pretend to know things she didn’t, and was really good at remembering stuff we talked about weeks before. She really made it feel like you were the only patient (we all take that for granted I think, I mean one time, my wife and I went in to see a counselor and he said to her, “Oh, this must be your son.” That didn’t go over too well).

So I stuck with her because I was very comfortable with her, and I think that is what it comes down to, being comfortable with who you are talking to.

If I think about it, I would probably have chosen a female therapist anyway, I also think that would have felt safer.

Hope that helps.


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#33308 - 03/30/05 09:34 PM Re: Another baby step
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
I started with a female therapist back when all men were evil, but I later ended up with a male therapist, because the female therapist seemed kind of afraid of me. She kept putting me in hospitals. The male therapist was very difficult to get used to. I did phone therapy, which helped. I wasn't sitting there staring him in the face. When I saw him for the first time in person I shut down and had a really hard time dealing with "that man". Then I slowly got used to the idea. I tested him with trust over and over and ... come to think of it, I still do. But it is the male therapist that helped me over the issues I had with all men. After a while I found a trusted a couple of men in the real world. Today, I still gravitate toward the group of women talking and have to force myself to go talk to the guys, but I do have male friends.

I think it's like everybody else has said, it's who you're comfortable with. It was easier at first to talk to a woman, but when I started getting into the MB and the same-sex attraction business, I was glad I had a man to talk to. And with the issues I had with men, it was probably better for me in the long run to have to try out trust on a real man, even if I did pay the guy to hear me out. To me, finding a T is kind of like dating. The first few may not fit the bill, but eventually you'll find someone whose personality really clicks with yours. I hope you can find that.

_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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#33309 - 04/01/05 10:23 PM Re: Another baby step
bkeithb Offline
Member

Registered: 03/23/05
Posts: 63
Loc: Milwaukee
Thanks for all the advice and wise counsel.

I've been in contact with two therapists this week. One a woman who, actually, refered me to a female colleague whom she feels has more experience in SA issues. The other a man who has extensive experience in SA issues (cool web site as well http://www.helpyourselftherapy.com )

After reflecting on it ... even though I hesitate telling another man how another male abused me ... I can see where a man may have better insights into how a man would feel helpless, shame, etc.

So, when I go for therapy, it will likely be this gentleman. However, I have to share first with my wife which is the biggest hurdle.

One step at a time ...

_________________________
bkeithb

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#33310 - 04/01/05 10:27 PM Re: Another baby step
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Bkeithb - you're probably wondering where you will find the strength for this journey...believe me, you are starting to find it already.

Good man - and here's to the future...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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