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#332832 - 06/02/10 11:12 PM My Story
metsfan257 Offline


Registered: 05/25/10
Posts: 14
Hello everyone, I came across this board and was relieved to see that I'm not the only one with issues. This is just one of about 100 internal battles I face on a daily basis, and it's nice to know I'm not alone. I wanted to share the basics of why I'm here, and if anyone has any comments to add please feel free.

I will try to make this as short as possible. Basically, I grew up in a house with a conflicted alcoholic father who had a very long history of emotional and substance abuse problems. I was never close with him. He died when I was 13 years old, and it left an irreversible void in my psyche. I felt lost and disconnected from everything. When I was 14 I discovered an IRC chatroom geared towards "dads and sons" and being naive, I joined the room--I had such a deep, desperate need for that kind of connection... In adulthood I now know that it was essentially a playground for despicable pedophiles to do what they do, but in the mid-90s, there wasn't the awareness there is now.

I was approached by a man in his 40's who was basically the answer to my prayers at that point--all of the things my father wasn't when he was alive, and couldn't be now. I was so desperate that even when the conversations turned sexual, I went with it. We eventually met up and I consider that to be the beginning of my lifelong battle with sex. This man was essentially a pedophile who used my obvious sadness and desperation to his advantage, and convinced me that he cared about me in a fatherly way, and that what we were doing was natural. I was eventually introduced to another man of the same age, and he also filled that void for me in such an unnatural and secretly predatory way.

Since i was only 14, these were my first real sexual experiences and they came with such a heavy, deep psychological connection that even now in my late 20's, and I still sexually attracted to men in their 40's and 50's--only types that fulfill a "fatherly" role. It disgusts me that I am so heavily attracted to, and I firmly believe that my body learned to associate the feelings of paternal love and acceptance with sex in a completely unnatural way.

I can honestly say that I have no *romantic* feelings towards men, and that I am only sexually attracted to the specific type I mentioned before. I find myself heavily emotionally attracted to women, and physically attracted, but the confusion in my head has made it impossible for me to have any kind of healthy relationship. I am riddled with insecurities and self-hatred, and get more depressed by the day due to the fact that my body seems to only respond to these types of situations, despite what my mind desperately wants.

Honestly, I would be ok with it if I were simply gay, but I don't believe that is the case. I cannot "love" another man, I think about sex with women all the time, and I have been in emotional love with women a few times (just never completely due to my issues causing friction, etc). I feel a constant sense of duality and an inability to move on in either direction.

There is also the fact that I believe I was sexually abused at a much younger age, but have repressed it. It's always something I felt, but even aside from that I had various signs (wetting the bed until I was 10 or 11, going to the bathroom in my pants until I was 12 or 13, severe social withdrawal), and the fact that since then I have learned that two of my siblings were abused by male relatives (one my father, one my great uncle). All of this factors in.

Anyway, not too short but that is the gist of what brought me to this point. I am almost 30 years old and I feel "sexually stunted" at a point where most people are exploring their sexuality and finding real, meaningful connections. The depression has been getting to me so I am now in therapy, which will hopefully help.

Thanks for listening. This stuff is not easy to talk about, so I guess I'll be grateful for the anonymity of the internet.





Edited by metsfan257 (06/02/10 11:28 PM)

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#332834 - 06/02/10 11:45 PM Re: My Story [Re: metsfan257]
pkincrisi Offline


Registered: 04/08/10
Posts: 96
Loc: Wisconsin
Metsfan,

I want to welcome you to MS. I'm sorry that you experienced what you did but I'm glad that you found us. Know that you are in a safe place with people who care about you. You won't be judged for who you are or what you've been through.

_________________________
Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#332839 - 06/03/10 04:44 AM Re: My Story [Re: pkincrisi]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Welcome Metsfan,

Yes, the story is difficult to tell but have done an amazing job of it here! You did not mention whether you are in therapy, but if not I strongly reccomend it. There are many stories here you will find which will echoe your own in many ways. It sounds like you intellectually understand much of what happened to you, but need to rid yourself of the residue. This is possible and I wish you success in doing so.

All the best,

Kevin.

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#332842 - 06/03/10 08:14 AM Re: My Story [Re: metsfan257]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
hello brother, it does get easier to talk about over time. this is probably the first time you're actually put it all out there for a pair of receptive ears, right? your struggles as you've named them sound textbook; very similar to those shared by many of us here. many incredible texts where you can find resonance can be purchased thru our bookstore :

victim's no longer [considered by many to be the survivors bible]
evicting the perpetrator [ the newest offering by the organization's own ken singer].

reading one of both of these books may prepare and inspire you to consider engaging a mental health professional and entering the therapeutic stage of recovery.

warmest regards,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#332845 - 06/03/10 08:31 AM Re: My Story [Re: Sans Logos]
wayne9 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 161
Loc: alabama
Metsfan, Again as others have stated. Sorry for your need to be here but glad you found us. Without telling my whole story just let me say that you are saying the same thing that many here have said. I also feel that I am not gay but have strong attractions to older men. I have fought this all my adult life. I just started seeing a T a few months ago. I strongly recommend if you not that you seek one as soon as possible. Good luck and keep talking here on MS. It really helps me and can you too.

Tim


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#336086 - 07/15/10 02:56 AM Re: My Story [Re: wayne9]
lgdan84 Offline


Registered: 07/11/10
Posts: 29
Loc: California
I am also new to this site. Although i was not abuse by and adult, i was abuse by a childhood friend ( my babysitters son). i am 25 now and over the past 5-6 years i have been thinking about those traumatic acts that happened to me at such a young age. i get feelings of SSA and it always questions my sex orientation. i feel that i cant even socialize with people cause those thoughts are always in my head. im always on a different page than everyone else i guess you could say. I think about the abuse constantly. i know i am attracted to women because all "sprinklers" turn on when i see an attractive woman. ive had sex with women but they were all basically one night stands. they have always intimidated me and i dont know how to act or what to say when im around them. i have only masterbated to straight porn, lately ive been thinking about this whole abuse and my sex orientation because of that i feel i am at a stalemate when it comes to sex. I would also like to mention that growing up i was taught that sex was a bad thing, whenever there were romantic scenes on tv, or heat of the moment type stuff it was like "oh turn that off" or the channel would change. i would told i could not have a GF until the age of 16. this bugged me cause everyone else around me were having relationships and i felt condemned not to have one. i have now sought out a T and im feeling much better about myself. trying to build up the courage to hang out with women, but still when i do i feel im being judged, as if im gay or something. im not aggressive i guess like most men are. becaue of the abuse i feel less of a man. i have low self esteem, im very self conscious, im shy, non aggressive, passive, procrastinistic (if there is a word). i just cant get the job done. and now like i said earlier im at a sexual stalemate, not knowing what my next move is.


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#336093 - 07/15/10 09:09 AM Re: My Story [Re: lgdan84]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Hey Igdan,

Welcome to the site! I know there are so many of us here that can relate to your situation and you have done a great job of putting it together here. I wanted to encourage you to put this or another one you might write over in the introductions section so that more of us will see it in order to welcome you. The introductions forum really kind of serves as the license plate if you will for us here.

all the best,

Kevin

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#336109 - 07/15/10 02:38 PM Re: My Story [Re: metsfan257]
SaberCat Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/02/07
Posts: 46
Loc: Florida, US
Metsfan,

Hi, Like you I was very relived to find out that others had experienced the same sort of thing as I did. I'm sad that you and other have to go through it, but there is a lot of help on this board.

I was abused very young, at 3 to 5 years old. One thing that my T told me, in my case, was that the level of sexual knowledge I had at 7 (in 1970) was very unusual. There was no internet and porn was impossible for me to obtain. This knowledge helped me get past my desire to avoid the unpleasant truth about what happened.

If you're 30, you must have been born around 1980 - so there was no internet. Maybe you and your T could look at what you remember about your CSA and determine if it was something you wouldn't have known about. In my case, there is no way I could have known about the sexual activities at 7. It may be a way to recognize a part of an awful thing that was done to you. This could help sort some things out.

Peace, Mike



Edited by SaberCat (07/15/10 02:39 PM)
_________________________
"There is always hope."

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#336152 - 07/16/10 10:57 AM Re: My Story [Re: SaberCat]
lgdan84 Offline


Registered: 07/11/10
Posts: 29
Loc: California
Thank you for the advise sono and your support. the introduction page is where my next post will go


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