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#332820 - 06/02/10 09:22 PM so much loss *****may trigger*****
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
It's overwhelming and I can't get away from being faced with the long list of all that I have lost. I can't make up for anything and I can't change how life is now. There is no such thing as acceptance of where things are or any possible way to "move on".

There is no hope when it comes down to me. The only certainty is that I will be punished and hurt.

I've done everything that one is suppose to do and more, life does not get any better. Life is not really a life for me. I just suffer most all the time and get rare opportunities of having any relief. Others for the most part are allowed to heal, allowed to live... me, I'm only allowed to watch and witness all that is out of my reach and in the hands of others.

All of those who have hurt me have taken it all. My chance at a family, my ability to have kids, a wife. Basic human functioning, use of talents, I can't even provide for myself.

I have no purpose, I just exist... if for anything it seems only to be evidence that the world's not fair and that evil exist. Somehow with all of what I have to experience it is wrong to not want to breathe.

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

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#332822 - 06/02/10 09:35 PM Re: so much loss *****may trigger***** [Re: usmc97]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11029
Loc: Denver, CO
I can relate to having some things taken away. Note that I said some, not all. I don't expect to have a family of my own, and I look to others to be "extended" family. Some folks on here are like that for me.

Andy

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#332828 - 06/02/10 10:29 PM Re: so much loss *****may trigger***** [Re: usmc97]
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 506
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
Kevin,

I understand some of your losses. I don't think I will ever have a wife, kids, white picket fence, etc. I'm so broke, I'm not even sure I'll ever manage to have a house someday; I'll probably just live in an apartment for the rest of my life (if I ever move out of my parents' house, that is).

People can be evil, buddy. And evil has most certainly been done to you. What you went through as a child is horrifying, and what you are going through now is unimaginable. I wish so much that I had a solution for you that you haven't tried...I would like you to have some peace.

But I think you do have a purpose, buddy. You are helping others. You help us by being here with us and sharing our troubles. Before you discount that, please remember that many guys on here have NO ONE else to talk to about their abuse who can understand how they feel. Do you know how priceless it is for them to have someone they can communicate with? That makes you very important, buddy. I think others here would agree with me.

Kevin, I see you as a hero. You had a devastating childhood, but you endured it. You never gave up. You entered our military and became a soldier - a brave and honorable accomplishment. And you never succumbed to evil - you don't inflict the evil on others that was inflicted on you. You are helping to stop the spread of abuse.

I really wish we could help you, buddy. It saddens me that we can't. But please know that you are helping us, and we are very grateful for you. Please believe me.

((((((((((Kevin))))))))))

Your loving brother, as always,

Bobcat


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#332835 - 06/02/10 11:57 PM Re: so much loss *****may trigger***** [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
pkincrisi Offline


Registered: 04/08/10
Posts: 96
Loc: Wisconsin
Kevin, I agree with Bobcat's statement that you are hero. You have not only served your country as a Marine, but you have spoken out about your abuse. You have a strength and courage about you that a lot of people don't possess. I am honored to know you, Kevin.

Steve

_________________________
Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#332841 - 06/03/10 08:01 AM Re: so much loss *****may trigger***** [Re: usmc97]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
kevin, i know there is only so much closeness we can share on here, so i won't pretend to have some deep personal relationship with you that would qualify me as a credible source of relief from the suffering you are enduring.

you've expressed here in this post quite well that suffering you've spoken about in the past. i am sorry i can't do anything personally to help you move on. i don't think it's not possible to move on though, but i just have no clue as to what direction for you.

this recalls an image from a recent episode of the discovery program called 'intervention' when the subject of the program states in anguish ' i love life...... i just don't love MINE ....', so sad and so true. i have those days too... i guess we all do really. i had the wife, the career the kids, but all those could still not eclipse what the abuse had done to make my brain become the organ that it is today with all its limited and faulty functioning. i have been studying the brain a lot over the last couple years and one thing i have come to understand is that wiring can be changed. the brain is structured by the experiences of thoughts and perceptions that we have [or rather that have us] and which are reinforced moment to moment, but it can also be changed and restructured as we learn to process information differently. barring any chemical imbalance, even with or without the use of medication, i believe that it can be done. i've seen evidence of it in the fact that i meet life's daily challenges differently.

i'm not talking about positive thinking here, but rather changing the messages that got in there, and that are reinforced every moment, until i do something to interfere in the way that those messages are regulated.

i'm not sure if you're looking for relief, and you just needed to vent here brother, but i thought i would take this chance and share what has worked for me so far under the circumstances [which are very similar to yours here] and in the words of aimee mann, at least ' put some hope in the bottom of the box'.

that's why we're here for each other, right bro?

warm regards,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#332883 - 06/03/10 04:08 PM Re: so much loss *****may trigger***** [Re: Sans Logos]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
The problem is not how I think or perceive... it's not my wiring. It is in what I have to experience, it is the physical damage that I am left with, it is the physical damage done now, it is in the the lack of tools available. There is just too much to even attempt to say I cope. I don't cope, I merely exist one day and possibly the next.

I have nothing that I can create in my life to make a difference in what I'm left to try and endure each minute of the day.

I hide so much of what I deal with, I don't call that coping. Nobody could deal with me if they had to be along side me for everything. I can't heal my body, I can't protect myself from what I go through, I can't repair anything or really even attempt to until after those things are over and finished.

All of the perps who hurt me continue to hurt me. Just that basic statement is cause for people to blame the things in my life on me, what I have and haven't done... the whole "take that power back" when that's not attainable. I can't do more than what I already have.

What is it worth to have life when everything is denied or taken away? The things that are lost to me include very basics of being a male and that of just being human.

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

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#332924 - 06/04/10 04:08 PM Re: so much loss *****may trigger***** [Re: usmc97]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
I don't fully understand you situation or the problems you have. Your post is full of personal pain and lonely struggle.

What comes to my mind is that maybe you shouldn't be trying so hard to get better on your own. I think finding someone, probably a T at first anyway to help and guide you through this maze in front of the pain and confusion you are trapped in for the moment.
it isn't the be all and end all of life no matter how much it seems so.
I just have the feeling you're convinced you should do this recovery work and healing from the abuse alone and that is not the case. In my mind that is the abuse talking to me when I "need" to go it alone. Wanting to is a little different but has the same effect.

I recomend for the immediate moment that you think back to the last time you felt relatively normal and try to work out what that was like and how you achieved it.

Good luck brother.

KT

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#332929 - 06/04/10 06:25 PM Re: so much loss *****may trigger***** [Re: kidneythis]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Hey Brother,

I hear your struggle, and want you to know you are not alone,

You wrote

"it is in the the lack of tools available."

and about the abuse continuing-

Please know there are tools, and help/hope is out there-keep reaching out to your brothers here at MS and ask for what you need.

Asking for what we need from those who understand is a powerful act.

I look forward to hearing from you.

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#333006 - 06/05/10 01:34 PM Re: so much loss *****may trigger***** [Re: Mountainous Buck]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
I don't try to get better on my own, I've had therapists since this stuff first started over 10 years ago. I have friends who do what they can to help. Been on MS since about 2001 but a website can only do so much, with me folks come to a state of helplessness. Their are no places for help locally, the only things found within even the state are not obtainable or I've already been rejected by them. Nobody clinical is prepared to know how to help, it calls for so much more than what they can provide.

I'm not allowed to be what I once was, it's not something I can work to "achieve". I dont get to be "normal" anymore, I just get to remember that I was someone different. Again, it's taken from me.

It gets so hard to watch others heal when you're always left behind. Stories of how well things have worked for others toward "recovery".

-EMDR, I've had atleast 50 sessions with no results.
-Meds, been on just about everything a couple times over.
-Doctors, seen plenty of "experts", where I seem to be the first case like this.
-Groups, what's been available, I don't relate to anyone
-inpatient programs, they're untrained and unwilling to deal with me being so different
-Testing-"inconclusive" results, "abnormal" findings, never any real results
etc, etc.

I don't get anything to "move on" or say that I even have a life, .... I'm nobody's father, nobody's son, nobody's husband. I can't work, can't go to school, can't travel alone, can't have a relationship. Don't get a day without pain from even the most basic of human functioning. Don't sleep but about 20 hours a week that can't even be counted as rest because of the harm brought upon me.

I've asked and asked and asked for help for all these years and I am still in the same position. I've done everything I can to not go it alone from the begining. It is a necessity to hide most of what I go through and experience minute by minute. People can only handle so much.

There is so much I get to look at and watch pass me by every day, so many things taken that I can't do nothing about. I just have so much loss, they've taken and continue to take everything.

I end up alone, it's not my fault.

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

Top
#333007 - 06/05/10 02:46 PM Re: so much loss *****may trigger***** [Re: usmc97]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
I'm sorry if my read on your post was hurtful to you.

let's try this. Do you have any idea what would help you?

Just so you know the help I think I need is a properly trained psychiatrist who isn't afraid of telling the truth about how I became so frozen and was caused to remember the abuse from the black spot in my memory. Then honestly dealing with that culpability for the triggering event which has left me only able to move forward with my life in fits and starts 4 years after the triggering incident. This will give me the releif and dignity that has been taken from me in the coverup of this event, so that I can finally turn my mind to deal with the abuse I now recall. As it is the indignity and shame and anger because of the manipulation and abuse that triggered my memory has me so wound up I can only focus if I make myself be obsessive about whatever it is I'm wanting to focus on and if I try to focus on the remembered abuse I get sidetracked by almost anything including my mind just shutting itself off on me.
Its the present events and how I've been denied justice for them that make dealing with the old ones impossible. Its the same thing all over again. Yet I know if I don't continue trying to get justice nothing at all will change except the natural changes brought in by the passage of time.





Edited by kidneythis (06/05/10 02:58 PM)
_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#333009 - 06/05/10 02:57 PM Re: so much loss *****may trigger***** [Re: kidneythis]
Casmir213 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 845
Loc: Northeast, USA
I was wondering Kevin if you going into some more detail about what happened to you and what happens to you on a daily basis would help you?

Take care,

Rocco

_________________________
I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

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#333083 - 06/06/10 12:18 PM Re: so much loss *****may trigger***** [Re: Casmir213]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
I had many perps, first being a boyfriend of my mom's, then the worst being an organized group of multiple demented guys of which I don't know how many total, the last was a priest who I went to for help.

A typical day for me is about two days, figuring that it starts from "waking"...

"Wake", always in some state of panic, it can then take up to a couple of hours to recognize where I am. I hurt real bad from what just happened. It takes maybe a half hour 45min before I can move because of pain everywhere. Once my muscles relax enough I do my best to compose myself. Have to use the restroom for the first time of the day, each time is painful for me (no I don‘t have any disease it‘s from “their” doing). I try to get to where I'm calm enough to kind of audit what the damage might be, I try to clean up and bandage myself if needed. Eventually make myself presentable even if I won't see anyone.

As the time starts to go bye I do my best to try and make some kind of day. Try to ignore pain and put up my "sleeping" area, move on to making things seem a little in order around my place until I can get to being able to go out, a lot of days I don't make it out. I have the tv, radio, video games or a movie going almost all the time to try to occupy myself. I cry a lot off and on through out the day, flashbacks and panic kind of come in waves.

If things are so that I can not leave it usually means that pain/flashbacks/panic/emotions/etc is just to much to even try being in public alone. It can amount to a lot of trouble for me to have people to see how screwed up I get. I’m scared of most strangers and it can trigger me to a very reactive state. I try to get out at least once a day even if it’s just to go to the post office.

When night falls and the world goes to sleep I seem to get more fragile, scared and feeling alone. It seems to take forever for the sun to come back up. I start the next day trying to do whatever I can to feel productive but I feel my body giving out. Again I will try to leave at some point if I feel capable of keeping myself together enough. Whenever it happens that I can’t go on any longer I will set up a place to “sleep”. I’ve described it being like in “I Am Legend” where Will Smith lays in the bath tub and waits as those evil things get closer, that’s a decent picture of me having to go to “sleep” alone.

*****caution******

As soon as I fall “asleep” here I wake to being in the middle of what my perps are doing to me. I go through “their” torturing, raping, mutilating me, whatever is in store for the particular session. At some point I will black out, suffocate, die, or lose consciousness from what “they” are doing to me. I then will “wake” here to this reality with evidence of things just done to me and the cycle starts over with my next day.



_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

Top
#333235 - 06/07/10 10:59 PM Re: so much loss *****may trigger***** [Re: usmc97]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
So what am I supposed to do? This is pretty much the last 10 years of my life inspite of all the therapists, therapies, tests, meds and all else.

I feel like I get blamed for saying how things are for me, it don't sound promissing because honestly this is how things are... there isn't a bright side to having to live like this. How is it that I am expected to do any better with what's dealt to me? It's not a choice to be stuck like this, it's not a choice to have these things done to me. I still get told I'm "playing" a victim.... well can anybody else handle this stuff? There's no playing anything, things are what they are whether it's acceptable or not.

If there's always suppose to be hope, where is it? Because I've looked constantly and don't find anything.

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

Top
#333276 - 06/08/10 12:04 PM Re: so much loss *****may trigger***** [Re: usmc97]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
USMC97,
I don't know how to help you. I am concerned that you need to bandage yourself. Do you have open untreated wounds? Have you been to a doctor for this condition?

Your day sounds awful, I'm very sorry for that. I can only advise that you continue to seek a therapist or psychiatrist to help you learn how to cope.
I guess its sort of pointless based on how you describe a day, but if you can manage some people interaction try doing some volunteer work. Get outside of yourself and help someone else w/o thinking about you for a while. Distance form ones problems often helps relieve the stress of constant rumination.

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#333286 - 06/08/10 01:21 PM Re: so much loss *****may trigger***** [Re: usmc97]
rewiringed Offline


Registered: 04/28/10
Posts: 34
USMC97,

You've been dealing with this for many years, and I commend you for facing each day. I believe it takes quite a bit of courage and endurance to make it through what you have all these years. You are stronger that you realize! I would suggest you see a psychiatrist and tell him exactly what you are going through on a daily basis, like what happens to you when you start to fall asleep, just as you described in your post above. You can do it. Perhaps he can get you started on a new path to recovery. My hope is that your life circumstances will dramatically improve.

Ed


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#333298 - 06/08/10 04:45 PM Re: so much loss *****may trigger***** [Re: rewiringed]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
I've seen many psychiatrist and therapists, all have met their limitations as to what they can provide when it has come to me. I've explained everything exactly as I have before over and over. It's like I don't exist. Anybody else they would have sent to the state hospital but the things I say are real, I do nothing to myself or I would be. Nobody has been able to explain what happens to me, I was not always like this, I was so much more. There is nothing new that I have not tried, I know there's always suppose to be something else left.... some hope, something not tried. The only things that meet that de>
_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

Top
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