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#333009 - 06/05/10 02:57 PM Re: so much loss *****may trigger***** [Re: kidneythis]
Casmir213 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 845
Loc: Northeast, USA
I was wondering Kevin if you going into some more detail about what happened to you and what happens to you on a daily basis would help you?

Take care,

Rocco

_________________________
I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

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#333083 - 06/06/10 12:18 PM Re: so much loss *****may trigger***** [Re: Casmir213]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
I had many perps, first being a boyfriend of my mom's, then the worst being an organized group of multiple demented guys of which I don't know how many total, the last was a priest who I went to for help.

A typical day for me is about two days, figuring that it starts from "waking"...

"Wake", always in some state of panic, it can then take up to a couple of hours to recognize where I am. I hurt real bad from what just happened. It takes maybe a half hour 45min before I can move because of pain everywhere. Once my muscles relax enough I do my best to compose myself. Have to use the restroom for the first time of the day, each time is painful for me (no I don‘t have any disease it‘s from “their” doing). I try to get to where I'm calm enough to kind of audit what the damage might be, I try to clean up and bandage myself if needed. Eventually make myself presentable even if I won't see anyone.

As the time starts to go bye I do my best to try and make some kind of day. Try to ignore pain and put up my "sleeping" area, move on to making things seem a little in order around my place until I can get to being able to go out, a lot of days I don't make it out. I have the tv, radio, video games or a movie going almost all the time to try to occupy myself. I cry a lot off and on through out the day, flashbacks and panic kind of come in waves.

If things are so that I can not leave it usually means that pain/flashbacks/panic/emotions/etc is just to much to even try being in public alone. It can amount to a lot of trouble for me to have people to see how screwed up I get. I’m scared of most strangers and it can trigger me to a very reactive state. I try to get out at least once a day even if it’s just to go to the post office.

When night falls and the world goes to sleep I seem to get more fragile, scared and feeling alone. It seems to take forever for the sun to come back up. I start the next day trying to do whatever I can to feel productive but I feel my body giving out. Again I will try to leave at some point if I feel capable of keeping myself together enough. Whenever it happens that I can’t go on any longer I will set up a place to “sleep”. I’ve described it being like in “I Am Legend” where Will Smith lays in the bath tub and waits as those evil things get closer, that’s a decent picture of me having to go to “sleep” alone.

*****caution******

As soon as I fall “asleep” here I wake to being in the middle of what my perps are doing to me. I go through “their” torturing, raping, mutilating me, whatever is in store for the particular session. At some point I will black out, suffocate, die, or lose consciousness from what “they” are doing to me. I then will “wake” here to this reality with evidence of things just done to me and the cycle starts over with my next day.



_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

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#333235 - 06/07/10 10:59 PM Re: so much loss *****may trigger***** [Re: usmc97]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
So what am I supposed to do? This is pretty much the last 10 years of my life inspite of all the therapists, therapies, tests, meds and all else.

I feel like I get blamed for saying how things are for me, it don't sound promissing because honestly this is how things are... there isn't a bright side to having to live like this. How is it that I am expected to do any better with what's dealt to me? It's not a choice to be stuck like this, it's not a choice to have these things done to me. I still get told I'm "playing" a victim.... well can anybody else handle this stuff? There's no playing anything, things are what they are whether it's acceptable or not.

If there's always suppose to be hope, where is it? Because I've looked constantly and don't find anything.

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

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#333276 - 06/08/10 12:04 PM Re: so much loss *****may trigger***** [Re: usmc97]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
USMC97,
I don't know how to help you. I am concerned that you need to bandage yourself. Do you have open untreated wounds? Have you been to a doctor for this condition?

Your day sounds awful, I'm very sorry for that. I can only advise that you continue to seek a therapist or psychiatrist to help you learn how to cope.
I guess its sort of pointless based on how you describe a day, but if you can manage some people interaction try doing some volunteer work. Get outside of yourself and help someone else w/o thinking about you for a while. Distance form ones problems often helps relieve the stress of constant rumination.

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#333286 - 06/08/10 01:21 PM Re: so much loss *****may trigger***** [Re: usmc97]
rewiringed Offline


Registered: 04/28/10
Posts: 34
USMC97,

You've been dealing with this for many years, and I commend you for facing each day. I believe it takes quite a bit of courage and endurance to make it through what you have all these years. You are stronger that you realize! I would suggest you see a psychiatrist and tell him exactly what you are going through on a daily basis, like what happens to you when you start to fall asleep, just as you described in your post above. You can do it. Perhaps he can get you started on a new path to recovery. My hope is that your life circumstances will dramatically improve.

Ed


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#333298 - 06/08/10 04:45 PM Re: so much loss *****may trigger***** [Re: rewiringed]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
I've seen many psychiatrist and therapists, all have met their limitations as to what they can provide when it has come to me. I've explained everything exactly as I have before over and over. It's like I don't exist. Anybody else they would have sent to the state hospital but the things I say are real, I do nothing to myself or I would be. Nobody has been able to explain what happens to me, I was not always like this, I was so much more. There is nothing new that I have not tried, I know there's always suppose to be something else left.... some hope, something not tried. The only things that meet that de>
_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

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