My wife has told me to day to stop with drawing myself from those around me or go into my own little world when the going get tought.

I havent done it as often latley, but over the years since my abuse i have done this on many occassions to protect myself from the pain and grief i was suffering in side.

I dnt mean to do it but its like a safety fuse with in me which trips of now and again, when i think of situations from the past or deal with new situations from every day life.

But i feel its not as bad as it used to be, but at the same time i cant keep shutting my loved ones out when i need them the most.

I also find it very hard to talk about whats causing me to behave like this in the first place.

Has any one had a similar expierance and how should i deal with this better. My wife has advised me to post this to get some help and i want to do all i can to help myself and those i love.

Thanks

James 1959

Hey James.......you are not alone with this issue.....you basically recited my whole life. (we are similar in age)

It is really lonely walling ourselves in. (of course that was all that we could do to protect ourselves) The funny thing is, is that we protect ourselves still, even when we do not have to anymore.

In my experience, letting go of the ego that runs our life is helpful. I am trying to eliminate the "I" that colors everything. Doing this, I realize that there is pain inside, but it is just running through me.....it is not ME. Sometimes letting go of "I" has allowed me to really see other people and listen to them....without the usual fear and mistrust.

Hope that this helps......abuse sucks, but these patterns are not really US, just programs that run through our brain based on our past experience.

Take Care bro.

james, i too recognize withdrawal and avoidance as typical survivor mechanisms; if you polled people here, you'd likely get a lot of guys who'd agree that this is a challenge for them as well. being aware that you are engaging this as a pain management technique is a great place to begin trying to reduce the behavior to acceptable levels.

withdrawal can be good and necessary and healthy thing for the survivor, in my opinion, particularly if he is crowded by demanding people places and things in his life. as long as it does not lead to long term isolation.

the recovering survivor needs the understanding and compassionate support from those who are closest to him. he is not the only one in recovery; they need to recover too, and to be aware and deal with their own frustrations in this joint process. it's about both sides trying to be aware of and understand each others' needs.

finding the right boundary can be quite difficult. i think it's important to recognize that, and avoid inflaming that particular energy, because doing so has the potential for creating yet more stress in an already tense situation. you need privacy, they demand more availability ..... which pushes you further away, and makes them more aggressive in their demands. that can cause you to feel as if you are being victimized again; understandably, you'd want to run from that.

i understand how hard it can be .... i just hope your loved ones are able to strike a balance between your need to withdraw, recoup and refresh, and their need for access to you.

it's a two way street.

warm regards to both of you,

ron

James -- i am 51 yo --- just finished sex addiction 12-step this past year -- now sober from porn, mb, sex outside of marriage. Now i am starting on csa issues - never been dealt with before. I was 5yo - thats all about that for now.

But my marriage has suffered because of withdrawal also, it is still a big problem in my marriage. My wife hates it - and confronts me about it. She doesn't know my details either - but plan to tell her some day soon - when my T approves.

Anyway - I have gotten some help from books by Doug Weiss - a sex therapist in Colorado Springs - he deals with Sexual Anorexia or Intimacy Anorexia - you might check out his stuff.

Bob