Lately I've done a lot of fantasizing about giving one of my abusers oral sex. (As I write that, part of me gets really nervous about some finding out who I am and that I feel this way.)


I'm trying to cut myself some lack in this regard, but things get more intense. I fantasize, and I want to fantasize more. I used to be repulsed by the mental image of his penis in my face. Now it is as if I am aroused. And I imagine things I don't think ever happened, just for the sensation I get.

This tendency I find sickening.

But more than that, I think about how if I want it now, maybe I wanted it then, too. In fact, in one case, I know I did. (I was maybe 11, He was 16) Another time I remember laughing.

It makes me think that abuser could have thought this was consensual. And he might have been right.

Finally, for as long as I can remember, my sexual fantasies have always been about being humilated. Usually bound, with someone bludgeoning my testicles. I don't know why this is arousing. It does not resemble anything I remember ever going through.

But I wonder today, if I am aroused at abusive things. If so, maybe the abuse was not that, it was instead something I asked for and took part in. Alternatively, maybe I have imagined it.

Anybody know what this is like?

I fully understand. The things I have desired and fantasized about never happened in my abuse. I always had problems understanding why I would feel this way until I started seeing a T and she explained to me that this is common and not at all strange to her that I feel this way.
Tim

Learning2remember, I can relate to your feelings and these feelings scare me to no end. I am ashamed to even tell my therapist. Once I shared with my second ex-wive and I believe it impacted our relationship.