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#332745 - 06/02/10 07:32 AM Is life a dream?
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 507
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
I apologize if this sounds a little crazy. Please don't have me committed for writing this.

I feel a little strange sometimes, surreal. I don't know if it's my meds or age or whatever that's causing these feelings. All I know is that I've been having them on and off for roughly two years now.

The surrealism is hard to describe. One kind of event is when someone is talking to me, and that person says something that I never knew about, or thought I understood differently. And when I hear about it, I feel like my reality has shifted slightly. I can't think of any real examples offhand, but if my politician mother told me that she has always gone out at night to do mud wrestling (which I can't conceive of), or if someone told me that the moon was blue when all this time I thought it was gray, and I found out it really was blue...I would feel like I had been zapped into a parallel dimension where everything is the exact same except for the factoid I just learned.

Sometimes, when it's late at night (like now), I think about our existence. No one really knows where life on this planet came from. This is not meant to be offensive, but there are, in my opinion, some far-fetched explanations, and of course there is faith in a supernatural being, but no one really knows. And sometimes I feel like we are all living in a mystery that no one can explain...or even tries to. People just go about their day working and doing their routine without even being curious about how we, as life, got here. Because I feel that I think about it more often than others do, I feel a little surreal.

I know that thinking about death - the biggest mystery of all - sometimes brings that topic to my mind. I'm getting older, and I'm not in good health, and sometimes my aches and pains make me feel that my mortality isn't as far off in the future as I'd like to think. I didn't used to be afraid to die - there were times in my past when I would have welcomed it - but now, sometimes I lie in bed unable to sleep, and I can't get my mind off of death. I've only had one person close to me die, and that was decades ago; if someone I was close to died tomorrow, that would be very surreal for me.

I also have deja vu more often than anyone I know. And sometimes I'll be doing whatever, and I'll remember something from a dream I had WEEKS ago - something I dreamt about that was completely foreign to me, with no apparent reason for why I dreamt it then or why I remembered it now. Bear in mind that most people remember very little from their dreams at all. I don't really believe in mysticism; these are just things that happen to me sometimes.

Anyone who has ever seen "The Matrix" will understand what I'm about to say, but sometimes I wonder if our concept of reality really isn't what we think it is. Like Neo, there are times when I'm awake, but I feel like I'm dreaming, especially when these surreal events happen to me. Could life really be just a dream?

Very occasionally, I'm just not sure that it isn't.

Sorry for this strange post. I'll probably delete it tomorrow.

Bobcat


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#332751 - 06/02/10 09:21 AM Re: Is life a dream? [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
Hey Bobcat my good friend if they commit you please come over to my room and visit, it's getting lonely in my insanity. crazy

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

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#332759 - 06/02/10 10:48 AM Re: Is life a dream? [Re: earlybird]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1314
Loc: kansas
LOL!!! EARL!!!!

_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#332763 - 06/02/10 11:18 AM Re: Is life a dream? [Re: Obi]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 728
Loc: United States
I think about the questions you raise - contemplate my own mortality and that of the people I love and the larger questions of existence - and doing so sometimes bends my mind in unexpected ways.

Whenever I get that strong surreal feeling, it normally means I've had a shock and might be disassociating. I felt it when my mother asked me if I had been abused (right time and perp) when I was coming out to her. I felt it when I was outed through gossip at work by a malicious colleague. Thinking about the eternal questions feels similar.

In the end I accept that we construct our own realities. One only has to look at modern political parties to see a clear example of different coexisting realities. Focusing on death prevents me from living my life. It's like the ultimate Sunday Night fever that makes us lose sight of the now and waste time fearing the future instead of reveling in the present.

Dum vivimus, vivimus! (While we live, let us live!)

And Bobcat, don't delete this post.

-efm

_________________________

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

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#332806 - 06/02/10 06:20 PM Re: Is life a dream? [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
Bobcat,

I have these moments all the time.

Life feels so damn surreal. I was talking to a guy who helps me on campus about life being so surreal.

It really fucking is. It's just so odd, this feeling.

So out of place, like any moment I'm gonna I'm just gonna float away.

Thanks for sharing.

Charlie


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#332813 - 06/02/10 07:14 PM Re: Is life a dream? [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
Please don't delete your post since I think it’s relevant to survivors with concern to dissociation. I have also experienced much of what you described, and in my case lately it manifests itself as asking myself how did I go from being a street kid being sexually abused in that situation to a modestly middle class guy who is approaching middle age and living a “normal” life, at least on the surface. It feels like trying to reconcile two drastically different realities while trying to remember that I am the same person at the same time, if this makes any sense.

Another thing to consider is that what you describe when it comes to surrealism doesn’t only affect survivors. We as people in general are all challenged by existential questions like “why are we here?”, as well as being confronted with our own mortality. On both these points I have come to some personal revelations…

To do with the first one I think it needs to be broken down into two questions, namely that I see a distinction between asking why we are here vs. how we came to be. I am intrigued by this one, particularly since it is part of a very real world debate with concern to creationism vs. evolution. My answer to this schism in thought is that science can explain how we came to be through our advancing knowledge of the universe but it can never explain why we are here. For example, even if you subscribe to the “big bang” theory it doesn’t explain what caused it in the first place. In my opinion this is a question best left to philosophy or spirituality and not science, neither of which should be in competition for the answers to these questions anyways since they are like proverbial apples and oranges and can’t be compared. The only thing I’m aware of for sure is we, along with all other matter we are familiar with, originated from the dust of some distant star or stars so I feel connected to the bigger picture in this regard.

To do with becoming older it is natural to experience a sense of mortality more so as one crosses the threshold between being young and old. I am six months from 40 (hardly old) yet I have been going through a personal catharsis of late to do with both of my parents recently retiring. For me it feels like the first stage in the care giving role becoming reversed, as in it won’t be long until I will be the one taking care of them rather than the other way around. Not that they take care of me now. I am very self sufficient and have been since a young age but it is the psychological roles we fall into of being a child vs. the care giver that I am talking about, which I think we all experience as our parents approach old age. Anyways surrealism or not I am comforted by addressing such questions rather than avoiding them since they allow me to experience my humanness more fully so thanks for posting and allowing me the opportunity to share my thoughts. JS


_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.


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#332819 - 06/02/10 08:33 PM Re: Is life a dream? [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
What, me worry?

honestly I've heard plenty of people say they've had similar thoughts and perceptions. Most people would hide that stuff out of fear and suffer th epain and confusion rather than ask and find out its normal on the off chance it wasn't.

I think you're right on track and the ability to see so many perspectives and openly post about your ponderings shows personal strength and a sense of security I don't know you are aware of.

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#332825 - 06/02/10 10:03 PM Re: Is life a dream? [Re: kidneythis]
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 507
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
Earl, Todd, Mark, Charlie, jls, kidneythis:

Thank you for your responses. I was nervous posting this because it seems so strange, but I'm feeling better now. Thank you for encouraging me not to delete this, and for letting me know that I'm not as alone in feeling surreal as I thought.

Mark, thank you for reminding me that I need to live instead of dreading death. kidneythis, you are very perceptive about my inability to see my own personal strength - something most of my friends have commented on. jls, thank you for your thoughts. I appreciated your comments, especially on aging. Charlie, I know how you feel. Please don't "float away" from us, okay? Todd, I agree with you that Earl's comment was funny. I will definitely request a room next to yours, Earl. Hey, we could go to scream therapy together, and afterward, we can drool on our lunches! smile

Thank you again, guys. Means a lot to me.

Bobcat


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#332837 - 06/03/10 12:22 AM Re: Is life a dream? [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
alone Offline


Registered: 03/05/09
Posts: 55
Bobcat,
They are right, don't delete it. I understand your post. I have never felt like I fit in anywhere. My kids are older now and ask advice about things and I feel like I have nothing on which to draw to help them. My son (25) just ask a week ago, "Dad, do think I am a fuck up?" I told him no but I found it difficult to back up my statement because I am no good with adversity. It's always been that way. So life for me can be surreal because I am so disconnected or so it seems. I find it very difficult to reason things out. So many times I have opened my big yap when I should have shut up because I was wrong. Everyone else "seems" to have it right. That is my perception anyway. So that's why I don't know where the real truth to things are. There always seems to be an undercurrent of things going on of which I am usually unaware unless it hits me square in the face. So yeah, life on the surface seems very surreal because a lot of people are acting instead of being real. Getting below the surface is very difficult. My one time abuse changed my life drastically.
Thanks for your post.
Alone


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#332874 - 06/03/10 02:13 PM Re: Is life a dream? [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
Lenz Offline


Registered: 04/23/10
Posts: 61
Loc: San Francisco
From Life is a Dream by Calderon de la Barca
ACT 3
Clotaldo to Segismund:

So sleep; sleep fast: and sleep away those two
Night-potions, and the waking dream between
Which dream thou must believe; and, if to see
Again, poor Segismund! that dream must be.—
And yet, and yet, in these our ghostly lives,
Half night, half day, half sleeping, half awake,
How if our waking life, like that of sleep,
Be all a dream in that eternal life
To which we wake not till we sleep in death?
How if, I say, the senses we now trust
For date of sensible comparison,—
Ay, ev'n the Reason's self that dates with them,
Should be in essence or intensity
Hereafter so transcended, and awake
To a perceptive subtlety so keen
As to confess themselves befool'd before,
In all that now they will avouch for most?
One man—like this—but only so much longer
As life is longer than a summer's day,
Believed himself a king upon his throne,
And play'd at hazard with his fellows' lives,
Who cheaply dream'd away their lives to him.
The sailor dream'd of tossing on the flood:
The soldier of his laurels grown in blood:
The lover of the beauty that he knew
Must yet dissolve to dusty residue:
The merchant and the miser of his bags
Of finger'd gold; the beggar of his rags:
And all this stage of earth on which we seem
Such busy actors, and the parts we play'd,
Substantial as the shadow of a shade,
And Dreaming but a dream within a dream!




Edited by Lenz (06/03/10 02:14 PM)

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