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#332677 - 05/31/10 11:40 PM Am I being petty??
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Ok, I recently got certified to be a pharmacy technician. My mom said when I got my certification we would celebrate by going to Atlantic City (I only live about an hour and a half away). Ok, so my brother (who's also my perp) is over for Memorial Day and my mom invites him to come with us to Atlantic City and give him some gambling money. The next morning she apologises that she didn't ask me because after all this was supposed to be a reward for passing my certification test. I was fine with that, I didn't have an issue with that. But she then goes on to explain that she offered it to him because his home life has been difficult and she wanted to get him out of the house. He is currently in a job where they treat him horribly because of the economy, longer work hours, more stress, etc. He has 3 kids and they are scraping by even with his wife working from home. Anyway, so when she says this I'm thinking "He has a tough life..poor baby...let me cry myself to sleep". I don't hate him but still

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#332686 - 06/01/10 01:21 AM Re: Am I being petty?? [Re: onlyakid]
Kiev Offline


Registered: 05/25/10
Posts: 24
Loc: Georgia, USA, Ukraine
I feel for you, Olnlyakid. Be happy for yourself and your accomplishment. Do not allow your family to rain on your moment. You know what happened and are working to better yourself. Do not let this incident sour your achievement.


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#332690 - 06/01/10 05:21 AM Re: Am I being petty?? [Re: onlyakid]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
No you're not being petty, you're being realistic and you're taking the steps necessary for ensuring care and nurture to the deep needs of that boy in you who was abused and neglected by the system that was supposed to provide protection and care. If you don't take that responsibility, then who will?

Yes coming from a incestuous family I understand how insensitive they can be. My mother seemed to want to protect my brother as well by denying and avoiding the damages. "let's all just pretend none of it happened and get back to business as usual.... Let's all just forget the past and let bygones be bygones ...." in the meantime you end up feeling greatly diminished as a person because the one whose job it was to protect you is now acting in defense of the one who screwed up your life.

After years of hoping for justice in the very dysfunctional family system that produced a predator, I have finally let go the romanticized notion I clung to that my blood relatives actually know the meaning of the words love and justice. They don't get it and they never will because they are so mired in their own sense of guilt and shame. They don't want to 'get i' because that would involve getting help outside of the family system, and that is something they would never allow or even consider.

It took years for the fact to sink that they are gravely emotionally disabled and ill equipped to face the ramifications of their denial. But once it did I was finally able to allow my outrage to come out and once that was grieved I was finally able to make peace within myself by putting the situation into perspective, accepting that they will never 'get it'. So I stopped expecting that they would and now I've moved on, free from the false hope of restitution and restoration.

My perp/brother died long ago, and I've forgiven him, but it was more difficult to resolve the misguided loyalties my family cling to in the years following his death. They'd rather forget the past and act as if it never happened and continue to function as if it has no bearing on the relationship in the present. They've chosen the easy out. They've sacrificed one person in order to maintain the 'integrity' of the system.

I'm with Kiev; don't let this sour your sense of accomplishment. What you've achieved will create opportunities that will allow you to become physically independent of them, so you can create proper distance, and begin to create a place where you can mend emotionally, untethered by your psychic connection to these people whose psychic DNA you share.

Warm regards,

Ron

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  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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