Newest Members
Won'tGiveUp, sillyputty, Pytbull, manipulated, donmarks
12383 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Alan Fountain (52), blindpet (31), egoror (49), Midas (33), uwa (78)
Who's Online
2 registered (Moortje, tbkkfile), 30 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12383 Members
74 Forums
63646 Topics
444505 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 3 of 3 < 1 2 3
Topic Options
#33266 - 06/05/02 02:58 PM Re: Getting the story out
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Couldn,t get much sleep last night, after writing my post and reading all the others, my mind was full. All I could think about was what if our parents had told us about the dangers of sexual abuse and the importants of coming forward with the facts if it happens to us. We need to prepare our kids for the big nasty world out there.I agree with Lightfang & Still 12 tell them only the basics.If you sit down and begin talking to them about the dangers of abuse and what to do if it happens to them, then you can tell them about your abuse. Now is the time,at 11 & 14 they have a full understanding of GOOD & EVIL, and have each other for surport.

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

Top
#33267 - 06/05/02 05:44 PM Re: Getting the story out
Just Call me J Offline
Member

Registered: 07/14/01
Posts: 204
Loc: Inland Empire, California
Anytime you have to talk about the difficult subjects with kids, it's best to stick to the absolute basics, then encourage them to ask if they have any questions. Answer those questions honestly, and directly. Most times, a kid will be satisfied, even if you feel that they need to know more. Don't overload them, but never make them feel you're hiding something from them.

One of my friends was telling me about how she explained such difficult subjects as pregnancy and rape to her 8 year old. And she was astonished how her daughter went from asking "So how does the sperm get to the egg?" to "Oh. Can I go out and play now?"

I still remember when we talked about staying away from strangers in school, and the ensuing discussion at home. I wonder if things might have been different if those talks ever allowed the possibility that someone in the family could do the same things. I think that my own memories were pretty well blocked out at that time. As far as I'm aware, whatever abuse I might have had was over by the time this came up in school.

However, I was about 14, when I asked my mom, what was wrong. My great-uncle had just died, we were getting ready to go to the funeral, but my mom was acting strange, even for someone in the family dying. I had seen a few books on the coffee table about being surviving abuse in the previous weeks, so I put the pieces together already. I was glad she told me, but I have never felt as much hatred for a person, as I had that day in the church. Everyone was talking in glowing praises about a man, that my mom had told me "liked to touch little girls."

In the ensuing years, I've learned more about the extent of the sexual abuse within my family. I don't like the culture of silence about it. Everyone knows about it, but no one talks about it, except in hushed tones, in private. However, my aunt never let my (girl) cousin be alone with the great-uncle that abused my mom. At least actions WERE taken to protect other members of the family in my generation.

Unfortunately, no one was really aware of my grandfather. He, apparently, had a thing for little boys. Based upon my uncle's experiences, my brother's highly sexualized behavior, and my own dim and sketchy memories, I think we had another perp within the family, besides the great uncle.

So, to sum up, I agree with what Still12 had to say. It is your choice, Gords, since you know your kids best. Just give them the basics, and answer any questions they have in a way they can understand. They don't have to get the whole story in one sit-down. Best of luck to you Gords.

We're in this together.

Jeremy

_________________________
We're in this together. - Nine Inch Nails

Top
#33268 - 06/06/02 01:44 AM Re: Getting the story out
babs Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/01
Posts: 59
Loc: Cub Hill, MD
gords & orodo --

I'm the wife of Getteddie. We have a 13 YO daughter. Eddie's SA memories surfaced about 2 years ago when she was 11 which happened to coincide with his age when the SA started. Just by living in the same household as a SA survivor & his supportive, but stressed-out wife has exposed her to such a wide range of emotion (some healthy, some not) these last 2 years. She would have had to have been made of stone to be oblivious to the situation.

I guess I'm just going to restate what others have been saying in this thread.

** Children are more perceptive than we adults are willing to admit.

** NO child should ever have to know the horrors of SA. Not first-hand like yourselves or second-hand by hearing the details of their parents experiences.

** Children DO NEED the reassurance that some of the great ANGER & SADNESS that they see in their parents IS NOT THEIR FAULT!!!!

** The simple explanation that some 'very bad things happened to Daddy when he was young' can go along way to provide that reassurance.

In our case it has also helped to explain our sometimes extremely overprotective behavior to budding teenager. 'It is not that we don't trust you, it is that we don't trust the rest of the world'. So far she has been willing to cut us some slack. As she moves into her high school years I hope we can both (1) keep the parent to child conversation going and (2) learn to give our butterfly space to spread her wings.

Babs


Top
#33269 - 06/06/02 11:22 AM Re: Getting the story out
gords Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/24/02
Posts: 7
Loc: Ontario Canada
Still 12
I am sorry that you have that guilt about not telling your son. It makes me rethink about not telling my girls. I still carry some of the shame and guilt over my abuse and I don't think that I could handle the extra guilt if my kids are abused and I didn't tell them how to defend themselves. They have a right to know how to defend themselves . If I don't tell them who will?
Damn this life can be so difficult.


Top
#33270 - 06/06/02 01:32 PM Re: Getting the story out
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
Gords,

I have four kids, girl 14, boy 7, girl 7 and boy 5.

I have told only the 14 year old, in age appropriate language, that i was physically and sexually abused. The subject has come up as she has been faced with classmates getting abused or class assigments on the sbuject or news reports and her own questions about why i see a therapist etc. etc. She has only been told in the most general terms that i was abused by my stepfather.

The little ones know that i dont get along very well with my mom. The subject has usually come up with the little ones when they ask how come they dont see there grandma very often and why do i sometimes get mad when we are there and pack everyone up and leave early.

The little ones have been told nothing more than dad had a tough time growing up and got hurt a lot as a kid and grandma did not do a very good job of protecting good old dad when he was little and dad sometimes still gets mad about that.

The guideline i have followed is that i answer the question they are asking and leave it at that. When the kids ask how come we cant stay overnight at grandmas, i answer that i dont think grandma is very good at taking care of little kids and mom and i are not comfortable leaving them with her overnight. end of story. if they have additional questions, they will ask.

I have to echo that no one knows your kids better than you and your wife and the decision is entirely yours. I think the there is nothing wrong with sharing the truth about who you are in age apporpriate ways. If your looking for clues about whether to say anything or not, i can tell you i have never brought the subject up on my own with my daughter, i dont feel any need to disclose anything to her, and certainly not to embroil her in any of my issues in that area. There have been opportunities to have discussions about abuse just discussing her day at school or watching the news, reading the paper and so on. When those discussions do arise i make no issue about the fact that i was abused, i put it out there matter of factly and without any drama and it is just another piece of information about life for her to complete her picture of the world with.

I just want to say that i think your sensativity and concern for your own daughters will guide you to an answer that is right for you and your family.

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

Top
#33271 - 12/05/02 06:07 AM Re: Getting the story out
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
This is such a great post from the past just had to get some new words on it. Muldoon

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

Top
#33272 - 12/05/02 09:44 AM Re: Getting the story out
crackerjack Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/14/02
Posts: 5
Loc: massachusetts
Muldoon, Thank You for re-posting this - it helps me to read all of these answers/responses surrounding the issue....it also brings forth feelings of saddness and unease - I believe in my heart that my son was a victim of SA - 13 years old now - although he is in counselling, he hasn't made any steps in the direction of discussion about it in these 2 yrs of therapy....I know that he will, eventually.


Top
#33273 - 12/06/02 05:25 AM Re: Getting the story out
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Crackerjack
I am sadden by the fact that your son may have been abused. It does my heart good to know that your son is getting the help with Therapy. Just the fact that Kids get help is one big step forward from our days.

Keep us posted as to any progress . Muldoon

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

Top
Page 3 of 3 < 1 2 3


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.