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#33246 - 06/04/02 10:42 AM Getting the story out
gords Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/24/02
Posts: 7
Loc: Ontario Canada
I am new to this whole bulliten board business so please excuse me if I do anything incorrectly. I am a male victim who has not quite made it to the survivor stage yet. I am almost ready to tell my story to the world but I have not yet told my children (aged 14 and 11 both girls) what happened to me. I am afraid that if I start telling my story it will get back to them and they will be mad that I did not tell them myself.

How do I tell them? When is the best time? How will they react? How much do I tell them? These are just a few of the questions that I have. If anyone can help and give some guidance it would be greatly appreciated.


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#33247 - 06/04/02 12:38 PM Re: Getting the story out
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Hi....Im sorry that u need this sight. As for telling your girls I wish I had some wisdom to give you but I dont. My wife told my kids when I had to go to the hospital, she didnt tell any gory details just told them "matter of fact". Then when they come to me I try my best to answer the questions they have. It's not easy to talk to anyone about my abuse......EXPECILY....my kids. I hope this helps, and good luck.
James

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#33248 - 06/04/02 04:30 PM Re: Getting the story out
Anonymous
Unregistered


I'd advise against telling them,gords. Wait'll they're more mature. Like in their 20s. Right now they're just kids. They don't need the mental baggage.


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#33249 - 06/04/02 05:28 PM Re: Getting the story out
gords Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/24/02
Posts: 7
Loc: Ontario Canada
thanks James. i have been lucky. I have been able to hide it from the girls for quite a while. Unfortunatley I somtimes take out my pain and anger on them and yell and expect too much of them. Maybe if they knew it would help them to understand. i am not sure about Tinfoil's reponse. I do not want them to find out from someone else.
I somtimes wonder if I desrve to feel the way that I do. When I hear other stories it saddens me that so many people have gone through hell and yet I haven't been in a hospital over this, taken drugs or resorted to alcohol. Am I lucky? I think that maybe if I had I would be believed more that this actually happened. As it is now, the people that I have told can't believe that this has happened because I have hidden it so well and turned out "all right" as they see it. I have never tried to commit suicide and I do not think it is an answer. I don't want HIM to win.
I am so confused at times that I do not know what to do or where to turn.


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#33250 - 06/04/02 06:17 PM Re: Getting the story out
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hi gords. If you tell your daughters you might not get the reaction you want. Maybe they'll sympathize with you. Or they could view you as a threatening fucked up freak. Probably the latter.
I've seen a lot of posts like your's at survivor sites over the years. Always the same. There's an adult male,he's got little girl daughters and asks other members at the site if he should spring his alleged molestation-experience on them. If you're really a father and these are your biological preteen & teen daughters are you REALLY going to drop this in their laps? Why in hell would you make your problems their problems? Wait'll your daughters are 35 years old. Tell them then. They'll be capable of putting it in perspective.


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#33251 - 06/04/02 06:52 PM Re: Getting the story out
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
gords,

What good would it do for your daughters to know that you were abused? With both of my daughters I've always thought that bringing them up to be strong, independent individuals who could protect themselves would help them and hopefully keep them from being abused themselves. I've got a pretty good dialog with my younger teenage daughter but all I've told her is that I had a rough childhood/adolescense and left it at that. I did tell my oldest daughter when she was about 25 or so. I only told her then because my wife and I were having a lot of problems at the time and I felt that I had to explain myself to her. She hasn't mentioned it since that day and I never went in to any depth with her about it. Both of my daughters know that I'm seeing a therapist. Kids are very perceptive, they probably know that something is really bothering you. If you give them the barest information that you had some problems when you were younger and that you are dealing with them now, that might be enough to satisfy their curiosity for now. The knowledge that a parent was abused is a heavy burden to place on a young person and to my way of thinking there is nothing that they could do to help or to change things.

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#33252 - 06/04/02 07:12 PM Re: Getting the story out
goflyakiteV Offline
Member

Registered: 05/24/01
Posts: 66
Loc: n.a.
HI GORDS....GLAD THAT YOU FOUND THIS SITE, BUT SAD YOU NEED IT. I'M 54 AND A SURVIVOR OF QUITE A FEW ABUSERS WHEN I WAS JUST A LAD. I DO AGREE WITH TINFOIL, YOU SHOULDN'T TELL YOUR DAUGHTERS YET! THEY WILL HAVE HARDLY RECOLETION OF WHAT YOU HAD TOLD THEM WHEN THEY ARE THAT YOUNG.

HOWEVER, IF YOU WAIT UNTIL THEY HAVE AN ADULT REASONING, THEY WILL UNDERSTAND, AND HAVE READ AND HEARD, ABOUT THIS AWFUL SUBJECT AND WILL HAVE A EASIER TIME COMPREHENDING YOUR UNFORTUNATE ABUSE.

DON'T LET YOURSELF FEEL THAT IF YOU DON'T TELL THEM, SOMEONE ELSE MIGHT. SO WHAT!! IF AND WHEN THAT HAPPENS, THEN YOU COULD TELL THEM AS MUCH AS THEIR IMMATURE MINDS COULD ABSORB.BUT IF YOU TELL THEM NOW, I FEEL YOU COULD COMPROMISE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM. BELIEVE, THEY WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND RIGHT NOW. THEY MIGHT EVEN FEEL HOSTILE TOWARDS YOU. YOU REMEMBER HOW YOU FELT AS A KID, WHEN YOU HEARD SOMETHING ABOUT SOMEONE,AND DIDN'T UNDERSTAND. REMEMBER HOW YOU TOOK THE "OTHER GUYS" SIDE? THINK BACK....

DON'T DESTROY YOUR 'FATHERLY GOODNESS" WITH STORIES THAT COULD POSSIBLY GIVE THEM NIGHTMARES AND PAIN FOR YOU. AFTERALL, LITTLE GIRLS CHERISH THERE DADS AND THIS WILL BE A VERY PAINFUL THING YOU ARE ABOUT TO TELL THEM, FOR ALL FOUR OF YOU!

I HAVE A 30 YEAR DAUGHTER AND A 3 YEAR OLD GRAND DAUGHTER, AND I HAD TO TELL HER ABOUT THE ABUSE I WENT THRU. IT TOOK ME ALL MOST A MONTH BEFORE WE COULD TALK ABOUT IT OR EVEN TALK PERIOD!

WHEN WE FINALLY TALKED IN A MONTH, SHE WAS SHOCKED, HORRIFIED AND HURT ASKING WHY I DIDN'T TELL HER SOONER. DO YOU KNOW WHAT SHE SAID THEN>>>>>? "I KNOW NOW WHY YOU DIDN'T TELL ME SOONER: I WOULDN'T HAVE UNDERSTOOD!" " THANKS FOR KEEPING MY CHILDHOOD WHOLESOME!!"

GORDS, THIS IS YOUR DESITION. YOU AND YOUR WIFE. I ONLY TOLD YOU WHAT I WENT THRU. I'M GLAD I WAITED.

GOOD LUCK GORDS< I REALLY MEAN IT!

SLEEP WELL TONIGHT.....SCOT


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#33253 - 06/04/02 07:14 PM Re: Getting the story out
Anonymous
Unregistered


It's rough enough just telling adults of the childhood molestation you endured. During the mid 80s I lived in Idledale,Colorado. It's a little dipshit town in the Rockies out in the middle of nowhere. I told a couple that lived next door to my cabin on Bear Creek what had happened to me. The Wife responded with stern facial expression "Can I trust you around my kids?". Tinfoil responded as nicely as possible. But I was thinking "Hey fuck you you dumb bitch". I got shot in the foot at age 15 with a .22 Long Rifle slug. The aftermath hurt like holy hell. I did'nt grow up thinking it'd be cool to blast someone. Same goes for childhood molestation. It's not something you'd want to repeat on others. All the politically correct artsy fartsy bullshit we're seeing nowadays about child victims somehow automatically evolving into adult predators is crap.


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#33254 - 06/04/02 07:21 PM Re: Getting the story out
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Hi Gords I can tell you that it never easey to tell you kids but think it must be done to help you relationship with them. Kids can tell that you are going through bad times and it,s better you tell them now. My girl was 12 back in the early 90,s when all this shit about the Chruch started hitting the papers, I didn.t tell my wife or daughter just keep it all in . Many times I would take my shit out on them for no reason. Sounds like you are doing that same thing. Don,t let them think you are an asshole for no Reason, tell them what is going on deep inside and they will understand, and support you. My girl got to the point of hating me . If I could do it over I for sure would of told her 10 years ago rather than 4 weeks ago. Don,t tell them all the facts but let them know what your pain is about, Be sure to tell them both at the same time and some where that you feel safe at. They love you and will feel you pain which is much better then them wondering why you so messed up. Sounds like you have your life together in other ways, your not a drugie or alcie , and this would be great start at taken back your life. Muldoon

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#33255 - 06/04/02 07:28 PM Re: Getting the story out
orodo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/02
Posts: 735
Loc: Imladris, The Safe Haven of Ar...
I have three boys, aged 11, 9 and 5. I have thought long and hard about telling them about my abuse. I've talked to my wife about this, and we agree that this is not the right time. If for some reason, I end up public with it (my perpetrator is an ex-priest, and lives in my hometown) I will tell them some very basic stuff, before they hear about it from their friends or their friends parents. Until then, I am very overprotective of them, I know the who, what, where, when, how, and why about most everything they are up do and especially the who part. They have asked me why I am so sad when they caught me crying one night. I simply explained to them that Daddy was feeling really sad right then, but I would be ok after a good night's sleep, which they should get for themselves too. They hugged me and asked me to read them a story before bed. The next day came, and they didn't remember a thing. I have enough trouble dealing with this luggage (I might lose it for a while, but it always catches up to me) I don't need to dump it on the kids. It's my luggage, I'll be fine carrying it alone for now, and if I need help, I'll ask my wife, or my Mom, both of whom I am very grateful (they support me 100%, so far...) Stay well, be well.

_________________________
It is better to be Dragon Master than Dragon Slayer. Some Dragons are meant to be mastered, others meant to be slain. Odin, Great Spirit, God, grant me the wisdom to know the difference. "May the Valar guide and bless you on your path under the sky"

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