I was a troubled youth.

I have said plenty at MS about abuse I experienced. Undoubtedly that abuse caused me to be troubled. Also my parents were troubled and could possibly be called toxic. It almost seems like a certainty that to have troubled parents means that the kid will be troubled and probably abused.

I started voice therapy when I was 15, and then counseling a few months later when it was found out that I could talk but that I was "psychologically" unable to talk.

Now I wonder, what could have helped? what could have brought me along then?

My T (therapist) when I was 15 and 16 seemed to me (even at that time) to be puzzled by me. She didn't seem to know how to help me.

Recently I saw a movie called Shane. The movie features a boy who was roughly my age. He was Joey Starret, played by Brandon de Wilde. When that movie came out it made me feel so, so bad. I looked and Brandon de Wilde and he seemed to be everything that I should be. Just looking at him in that movie made me hurt intensely. He seemed to me to be the archetype wonderful boy which I was supposed to be. After all, my mother had lectured me angrily: "Why can't you be somebody? Why can't you be a real boy?" Of course her lectures made me hurt even worse.

I also had trouble with Pinocchio. That wooden boy who was amazingly changed into a real boy. I wished so badly that I could be changed into a real boy.

Now I wonder if the use of such movies could be used as a diagnostic or even a treatment tool for troubled youth. Of course different movies would apply to different people. The movies had the whole context of how I was suffering.

Now I'm happy to say I have made tremendous progress. I am only just a tiny bit depressed now. I enjoy so much. I love walking my dog and inhaling the wonderful aroma of so many blossoms of spring. There are just a bunch of things I enjoy doing. My whole outlook on life has really changed. Seeing Shane makes me more aware of how much I've changed.

Allen

pufferfish

Allen,

I totaly agree with you that having bad parents sets us up for abuse

Pinocchio had a bit of a diffrent effect on me - I always wished that I could be the wooden boy - always figured the beatings would'nt hurt so bad if I where made of wood

Allen

I also agree...the treament I got from my dad left me wide open for the abuse that happened to me. I could just never be what he wanted, never good enough. The only love I feel like I got from him was when I provoked him to the point that he'd pound me.

Shane

(I know...ironic....Shane, come back...)

Howdy, my brothers.

Hey, Allen my brother, you are giving our age away.

Shane, boy i sure remember that movie, and this boy cried watching it.

Troubled youth, yes. Aggressive, pissed off, uncontrollable, a loner, no respect for authority, always running away from "home."

Who was there? NOBODY.

Save, for a neighbor & Catholic priest who had taken me to a boys' Catholic orphanage/Home.

Where i was accepted.

I was welcomed into my new family, i had about 50 other brothers, whom were just like me.
Either orphans or boys, like me that their parent "mom" didn't want.

There, i received, love, compassion & understanding. I received (painfully) at times dicipline. Yes, even i could try the patience of an angel, as i got my dose of punishment.
Not in fear, but out of love. I even ran away from there, a place where I got love & understanding. What did a troubled boy know about true love & understanding?

Fear, came from my only parent "mom".I was a useless, worthless & would never amount to anything, young boy. Constantly being beaten, berated,had knives thrown at him in her fits of rage. Being told the wrong twin had survived, a 2 month premature birth. But, the most damaging, was her sexual abuse of her "son" starting at age 5. But at the age of 8, i was then told that I was the "MAN" of the house. All of this hate, and i was only 10 years old, when i left for that orphanage/Home. I was there for the most part of 4 years. 10-14 years old. She taught me how to hate females.

But, at the age of 8, that boy found someone to love him. To hold him, to tell him that i love you, give him human contact, never berating him, never beating him, never throwing knives at him, most importaintly, never telling him that he was the wrong one to have lived. The "parent" that little Pete had adopted as the "mom & dad" that he never had. The "parent" that would change little Pete, forever. He taught me how to love a man.

I took my troubled youth into the Air Force, on my 17th birthday, but they had no time for a troubled youth, especially one without respect for any kind of authority. They, sure broke this boys will for lack of respect. I learned respect in the school of hard knocks. It wasn't easy.

So, here i am, a "man" of 71 years, still that very much troubled boy/man, dealing with things, from his troubled youth. Trying to get little Pete to be that MAN that he is supposed to be.
Probably got way off the subject, but my emotions are getting the best of me right now.

Heal well, my brothers, heal well.

Pete..Irishmoose.

Hi Allen,

Great post. It has a very hopeful message for survivors and others in recovery. That healing can take place from watching a movie that triggers repressed emotions for us sounds like really good news to me. I've found that to be the case myself, now that you've mentioned it and I'm giving it some thought. I'm glad you came out the experience with renewed hope and a better feeling. Lately, I'm having memories that go way back to childhood that have been triggered by smelling the same smells that I did during childhood. It's a great feeling to recover these memories and feelings any way we can.

Take care Allen,

Rocco