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#332250 - 05/27/10 09:04 AM Questions to the men of this wonderful community
Pattycakes Offline


Registered: 05/23/10
Posts: 109
Loc: Canada
I just wanted to post a little note here for the guys to read.

I've been reading your stories, your concerns, your words of encouragement to eachother and it has touched me deeply.

I believe my bf needs a place like this to share. I told him I joined and sent him the link without saying anything more than 'here's the link'.

I don't know if he will join. I'd like to know how you guys came upon the website. Obviously, the men here are not all at the same point in their recovery yet somehow found their way here. (and I find that amazing, by the way)

What made you post? Did it take a long time before you were able to write and interact with others?

To the men whose companions are also active here, how did it start? Any bumps in the road because of it? Any good surprises?

If my bf only reads what's here and finds anything that will help him, I will be very happy even if I never know about it. On the other hand, I wouldn't want my presence here to be a barrier to his joining or interacting with you guys. Am I over-analyzing ?

Thank you to all that will respond!

Pattycakes

_________________________
If you judge people, you have no time to love them.-Mother Theresa




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#332251 - 05/27/10 09:25 AM Re: Questions to the men of this wonderful community [Re: Pattycakes]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
No Pattycakes, I donít believe you are over-analyzing. These are very fair questions to be asking yourself. You may find that if your bf decides to join MS he may prefer you were not here, at least in the beginning. Donít take it personal, itís difficult for many of us to discuss our feelings towards our rape/abuse in plain sight of a woman. Donít misunderstand, Iím glad you are here and encourage you to continue. Itís helpful for some of us to hear the issues our wives and girlfriends must go through as a result of our violation. Thanks for sharing.

You asked how others came to this site. I thought Iíd let you know who found this for me as an encouragement to yourself. My wife found this site. When she suggested I take a look I turned her down. She waited a week or two then approached it with me again. I, with some trepidation, agreed and have been here now for aprox four months. So my advice, be gentle and donít give up. Remember though it has to be on his terms and on his time table. His abuser stole that from him so we all have to be careful not to do that to each other. Earlybird

P.S. sorry you have reason for being here and Iím deeply impressed you are.

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

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#332252 - 05/27/10 09:35 AM Re: Questions to the men of this wonderful community [Re: earlybird]
Pattycakes Offline


Registered: 05/23/10
Posts: 109
Loc: Canada
Earlybird,

thank you. I did give him the link without any comment. I believe he will at least take a look but I don't expect him to keep me posted about it right away.

I am sorry too for having a reason to be here and I'M impressed with the men who are.

Thank you for your input, I hope others will throw in their two cents.

Pattycakes

_________________________
If you judge people, you have no time to love them.-Mother Theresa




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#332258 - 05/27/10 01:45 PM Re: Questions to the men of this wonderful community [Re: Pattycakes]
caesar14 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/13/10
Posts: 69
Loc: Gamewell, North Carolina
Pattycakes,

I am gonna put my two cents in..(I like that expression).
I want to echo earlybird and say that I hate for you to need us, But I am glad you found us and I am impressed as well.

I first heard of this site in a book, "Beyond Betrayal" by Richard Gartner. I was dubious at first, so I asked my therapist and he said I should look at it and see if I felt safe.I did, and right off the bat, I discovered I was not alone so I signed up. Two weeks later, I became a dues paying member. I have to say it is going to be tough getting him here if he isn't willing, but don't push, just let him see you are willing to support him. Like earlybird said:
Quote:
Remember though it has to be on his terms and on his time table. His abuser stole that from him so we all have to be careful not to do that to each other. Earlybird


Hope this is helpful,
Gary

_________________________
caesar14
"The innocence you spoiled has found a way to live"
Things I have to say (triggers)

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#332265 - 05/27/10 04:08 PM Re: Questions to the men of this wonderful community [Re: caesar14]
Pattycakes Offline


Registered: 05/23/10
Posts: 109
Loc: Canada
Thank you Gary,

I'm impressed to learn that this site is endorsed by an author. This only confirms what I'm thinking: truly helpful website.

Thanks again Gary for posting and for your PMs

Pattycakes

_________________________
If you judge people, you have no time to love them.-Mother Theresa




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#332313 - 05/28/10 12:40 AM Re: Questions to the men of this wonderful community [Re: Pattycakes]
caesar14 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/13/10
Posts: 69
Loc: Gamewell, North Carolina
I forgot to mention, the author of "Beyond Betrayal" is a member of this site, as well as a past president of the site...here is the link.
Gartner
Regards,
Gary



Edited by caesar14 (05/28/10 12:41 AM)
_________________________
caesar14
"The innocence you spoiled has found a way to live"
Things I have to say (triggers)

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#332361 - 05/28/10 01:28 PM Re: Questions to the men of this wonderful community [Re: caesar14]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2430
Loc: TEXAS
Pattycakes.

Well, if your boy friend decides to give MS a try, here is what i will offer him.

My compassion, understanding & love, as a fraternal brother, in pain & shame.

I happened on to this site, from the Veterans Administration health care site, purely by accident...Or from a higher power.

I'm 71 years old, i have been dealing with this, since the 1st of August '08.

If it wasn't for another fraternal brother here, whom had taken me under his wing (mentoring) me, i probably wouldn't be here on this earth.

Sure hope that your bf, comes around, and he is lucky to have someone like you.

I wish him well on his road to recovery.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity."

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#332422 - 05/28/10 09:29 PM Re: Questions to the men of this wonderful community [Re: petercorbett]
Pattycakes Offline


Registered: 05/23/10
Posts: 109
Loc: Canada
Hello Pete,

thank you for sharing. I've asked this question in order to try and create the best possible context for my b/f to come here but I'm glad to see that there are many ways to end up here... in this warm and safe place.

I appreciate all answers. Thank you also for your kind words about me. It isn't always easy and I take your words as an addition to his love.

Warmest regards,
Pattycakes

_________________________
If you judge people, you have no time to love them.-Mother Theresa




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#332428 - 05/28/10 09:45 PM Re: Questions to the men of this wonderful community [Re: Pattycakes]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
Hi Pattycakes,

I wanted to share my thoughts on this topic. I joined because I wanted to find other people who get me. In the world at times it can seem so damn cold from the people but here the guys get me and understand me.

It's helpful to have answers immediately from the guys who can help me understand myself better.

I think it can be a great supplement for recovery.

Charlie


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#332463 - 05/29/10 08:22 AM Re: Questions to the men of this wonderful community [Re: Charlie24]
Pattycakes Offline


Registered: 05/23/10
Posts: 109
Loc: Canada
Thank you Charlie!

I believe it would be good for him to at least read about what the men here have to say. Even as an anonymous viewer. I'm crossing my fingers with the hope that he will find something/anything here that will help him.

I would love for him to feel surrounded by people who, as you put it, get him.

So, thank you for taking the time to add your thoughts on this topic. It means the world to me!

Sincerely,
Pattycakes

_________________________
If you judge people, you have no time to love them.-Mother Theresa




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#332526 - 05/30/10 07:09 AM Re: Questions to the men of this wonderful community [Re: Pattycakes]
Dogs&Gods Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/22/10
Posts: 49
Loc: The Mighty Mitten
PC

Mike From Michigan here, Great job helping out one of us lost boys.

I found the web site from a link on My T's web site. I will give you a hint for your BF.

Let him know that what you have scene here is a safe place where men learn that they were not the only ones that had a secret that they kept since their boyhood.

Let him now this is a place that can help him understand not what was done to him sexually but mostly what the abuse did to his head in the areas of trust.

I am 38 and I am starting to live again and not just go thru life as I have for the past 28 years.

4 months here and my marriage is better, my friendships are better and my relationships with most of my family members are better!

_________________________
Remember Dog is God spelled backwards: The dogs in my life were the first ones to hear my pain and lick away my tears.

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#332540 - 05/30/10 09:38 AM Re: Questions to the men of this wonderful community [Re: Dogs&Gods]
Pattycakes Offline


Registered: 05/23/10
Posts: 109
Loc: Canada
Hi Mike!

thank you for taking the time. He might have checked MS already. I'm not certain but I noticed a change in him when I saw him yesterday. Well, for one, Saturdays were always out of reach for me. He was keeping me out by never going out with me on what is sometimes known as 'date night'.

Indeed, this is a safe place, even for me. You see, the abuse is not something to be discussed with just anyone in my entourage because I feel that it is HIS life, HIS story and HIS decision to share it with whom he feels comfortable so being here has been a real relief for me.

I bought Victims no longer and I'm reading it like there's no tomorrow. I will give it to him as soon as I'm done.

Thank you so much, Mike for your kind words. As you probably know, breaking isolation is a true relief, even though the first step is real scary.

So I thank everyone for making me feel welcome here as I was very afraid to be seen as an intruder.

I wish you, Mike, and all the others all the best that life has to offer!

Pattycakes

_________________________
If you judge people, you have no time to love them.-Mother Theresa




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#332547 - 05/30/10 12:24 PM Re: Questions to the men of this wonderful community [Re: Pattycakes]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
Originally Posted By: Pattycakes
I bought Victims no longer and I'm reading it like there's no tomorrow. I will give it to him as soon as I'm done.


Good move! wink

Just remember when you do give it to him, tell him that not everything in it will apply to him. He may be very,very triggered by the stories, or "statements" contain in the book. And while he may indeed realize that there is a whole community of us out here waiting for him, some of the statements are very troubling to read. And take care of yourself as well, for by now, you are surely wondering if after reading all that is contained in Mike Lew's book, you are indeed living on a planet populated by humans. Many of the stories are indeed horrific. But they are our stories. And we have survived to tell them through Mike Lew's book.

Jim

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

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#332853 - 06/03/10 09:42 AM Re: Questions to the men of this wonderful community [Re: Geeders]
Pattycakes Offline


Registered: 05/23/10
Posts: 109
Loc: Canada
To All,

thanks for your input. It means a lot to me.

To Jim,
thanks for the tip. I had been playing the scene in my head for the last few days as how I'd give it to him and what I'd say. I'll stick with a simple statement like: 'in order to understand you better, I bought and read this book. Although not everything will apply to you in it, it may help you understand yourself better and if you want to talk about it after, I'll be right here for you.'
How does that sound?

Pattycakes

_________________________
If you judge people, you have no time to love them.-Mother Theresa




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#332878 - 06/03/10 02:45 PM Re: Questions to the men of this wonderful community [Re: Pattycakes]
Lenz Offline


Registered: 04/23/10
Posts: 61
Loc: San Francisco
Pattycakes,

Help is difficult to recieve from others when it is yourself, and himself, that must discover that you need help.

Your ability to ask for help develops in the same way that you seem to look to help your friend.

If this doesn't make sense, pardon me, but I found myself helping everyone I knew until I saw that I needed to help myeslf. His/their process is not your process. This may be part of that discovery.

Lenz


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#332897 - 06/03/10 10:54 PM Re: Questions to the men of this wonderful community [Re: Lenz]
Pattycakes Offline


Registered: 05/23/10
Posts: 109
Loc: Canada
Lenz,

it makes plenty of sense. Since joining, I've done a lot of introspection and I believe I was able to let go of some issues that were not mine but his.
Which is why I was able to bring up the subject of this website today in a matter that (when I think about it) must have been very matter-of-fact-like and without an ounce of pressure because he seemed curious about it. He asked me a few questions that I answered and that was it.
Who knows, he might take a look around. If he does, I will have done what I believe every human being should do: tell the other person that help is available and tell them where they can get it. The rest is up to him, you are right about that !

Thank you for taking the time to comment, I really appreciate it. In fact, if it weren't for your post, I would not have reflected on my attitude towards him today. So, again, thank you very much.

Pattycakes

_________________________
If you judge people, you have no time to love them.-Mother Theresa




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#332906 - 06/04/10 05:26 AM Re: Questions to the men of this wonderful community [Re: Pattycakes]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
Some time ago, a wise man told me that in order to get on the road to recovery, the man, and the man alone must make the decision to do so. But once on that road, he will need help and support. He cannot walk it alone and be successful, or even make much progress.

PC, I think you've left the road map on the coffee table for him to look at. Let's see now if he wants to take the trip. He may pick up the map a few times, and ponder what adventure awaits him. Lets's hope we'll see him on the road soon.

I think you've been doing a great job PC. Just remember to allow him to make the decision. It may take some time. But it must remain his decision. And while you wait and see what he decides to do, remember to take care of yourself as well.

JIm

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

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#332910 - 06/04/10 07:27 AM Re: Questions to the men of this wonderful community [Re: Geeders]
Pattycakes Offline


Registered: 05/23/10
Posts: 109
Loc: Canada
Thank you Jim,

I think you're right. The map is there and he knows I'm available as a co-pilot.

To All: thank you for your kind words towards myself. I couldn't give my b/f this kind of support if it wasn't for you guys here. Your words keep me going and keep me in check.

Big safe hugs to ALL. (((((ALL)))))

Pattycakes

_________________________
If you judge people, you have no time to love them.-Mother Theresa




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#333147 - 06/06/10 10:18 PM Re: Questions to the men of this wonderful community [Re: Pattycakes]
alan55 Offline


Registered: 08/19/09
Posts: 202
Loc: Seattle, WA
Pattycakes - as a survivor,too, I am glad to have found this site. I found it by looking on the internet and selecting some to preview. This one appeared to be the one that would be best for me. There are others out there, but this one is where I feel I can express myself and be heard. Your BF has a long road ahead and I wish him healing. It takes a lifetime to work though this. As one of the guys said before, he may want to come here alone and not have you read much - or anything at all at first - since we had the choice taken away from us at an early age. Not much feels like it belongs to you...especially your body.
We are here to stand beside him. We are here to walk the road together. My wife knows I come here, and has my password,too, but she has yet to come in and look around. I've been here since October. I didn't deal with "my stuff" until last June and I'm 56. He will work through things as he can. No timeline...


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#333174 - 06/07/10 08:49 AM Re: Questions to the men of this wonderful community [Re: alan55]
Pattycakes Offline


Registered: 05/23/10
Posts: 109
Loc: Canada
Alan,

thank you for taking the time to write. The timeline is the hardest part for both of us. He often says he wants to shake himself up and I believe that talking to you guys would be a great help. I hope he can realize that I don't expect him to just 'snap out of it' like he seems to think it is possible to do. It isn't. He's only putting unnecessary pressure on himself.

I'm just hoping that he is able to take baby steps and move forward slowly. Let's cross our fingers!

Thanks again for taking the time, it means a lot to me.

Pattycakes

_________________________
If you judge people, you have no time to love them.-Mother Theresa




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#333175 - 06/07/10 09:08 AM Re: Questions to the men of this wonderful community [Re: Pattycakes]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1251
Loc: kansas
pattycakes,

for some of us survivors we tend to deal with things in extremes... lot of that is because we went through an extreme ordeal and that gets channeled to other situations in our lives that we deal with...

for example, when i first came on here i got a lot of helpful information. i was really gung-ho on my recovery and tried to deal with all of my issues at once... yup, failed at that.. i was overwhelmed by everything...

however, that was a great learning experience for me to take things one step at a time, one issue at a time...

todd

_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#333204 - 06/07/10 04:14 PM Re: Questions to the men of this wonderful community [Re: Obi]
Pattycakes Offline


Registered: 05/23/10
Posts: 109
Loc: Canada
Todd,

thank you for taking the time. It means a lot to me. I am learning here to take things one step at a time as well. With my b/f of course but this has always been an issue for me in many areas. Especially food. Nothing major, just eating out all the time and resenting cooking in general. I know where it comes from but from time to time I buy loads of groceries with every intention of making meals for the week and well... like you said, I fail every time!! Now, I'm doing it 'baby step' -style and it's working better.

I like the way you put it :'things get channeled to other situations'... You wrote in a way that made perfect sense to me.

Thank you again for the answer.
Sincerely,

Pattycakes

_________________________
If you judge people, you have no time to love them.-Mother Theresa




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