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#33213 - 01/06/03 12:47 AM feeling!!!
Little_E Offline
Member & Volunteer
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 11/14/02
Posts: 169
Loc: London UK
hi guys.

dont realy know what to say, i'm not that good at this. I have like a 1000 things going off in my head all at once, and their is nothing i can do to stop them, They all seem to talk at the same time and it like my voice just disapares into the crowd. Am i making sence, i dont know. I have been Confused over the past few months, not knowing if i'm coming or going. Running round in circles. My Studies...Well What stuidies, I failing my uni course cause all this mess in my head. I dont go to half my lects, and the ones i do go to, i dont pay attenten to, i driffed, my mind wonders, I dayDream, and the world around me passes me by. I think i'm traped in some hellish Nitemare that will never end. Sleepless-ness, I cant sleep, when ever i get into bed and turn the light out, i lay there, and i feel like I'm that kid again, waiting, praying, hoping upone hope that he wouldnt come in tonight. But he did, and now I'm fucked! I'm not ashamed to admit it, but the past few weeks i have cryed my self to sleep. if u can call it crying, A tear, just the one, thats all i can manage. My friends call me cold, but they dont know. They dont understand that i have to hind my feelings, I put them in a safe place where no one can find them, and with all safe places i'v forgot where it is. I'v Lost the key to the one thing i need most right now, but what if that box is Pandora's and when its open it cant be closed, do i need that right now. Could i cope wiv all that emotion, hate, sadness, bitterness, selfloathing! I dont know! I dont have the answers, (I always have the answers), if someone gets stuck it oh, ask lil_E he will know, or if they get in trouble they KNOW i will get them out, that i will stick by them, even if i know they are wrong, will defend them and if need be fight along side them....But wud they do the same for me?? I dont know. I dont Know! Wud they risk everything for a friend in need. I know I wud. But they all seem to live in a world above mine, a world of happyness. A world I dont think i cud ever achive. They all have money, rich mommy and daddy's that gave them car's, Houses, Money to burn, and here I am, with 3, count them 3 bloody jobs, and MASSIVE debt over my head, a clouded pass that NO one must ever find out about (just yet) not even my parents, my mum, and dad. They try SO hard, they work and offer to give me what lil money they have, but i cant take it. Money, it all ways comes down to Money, WHY cant money just be banded, got rid off, scraped. We dont need it, the world wud be MUCH happyer with out it, No one will stave, no one wud go hungy, everyone wud be nicer cause they dont have to worry about anything, and plp, socity wud that fall apart, I say NO, it woudnt, plp will still work, and work happyier, Important jobs will still get done, farmers will still farm, cause they luv to farm, Teachers will still teach, people will still learn, and everyone is given an equal chanch. People will work for what they love and not cause they need to. By them doing a job they love and not having to worry about wheater they will have enought money to pay the bills or not, enought money to eat, drink ect... Time to relaxe travel, see the world we live in, and realise its not that a bad world. We could esape this bubble of fear, of darkness, which we have place my self in. To look up at the sky, the starts the heavens and know, i mean realy know that their is not god, no great being, just myth, just fiction, just another LIE. I wish i cud Finaly let people get close to me, and know the real me, and not this ACTOR that plays me. The actor that is allways smiling, allways ready to go out, and spend money that he dont have, time that he sud be inside doing his coursework, but then there wud be no more time, no time for him to play time to enjoy whats left of a shattered youth, and make the most of what ever short time he has left. Live fast, die young. Living life on the edge casue other wise you take up to much space! WHo want to live for ever, who want to travel an eneratiy wiv all these bags! Which unlike Air-ports you cant lose. No matter what you do. How far you burrie it, how fast your run, or how far you go, it WILL find you and eat me up again. Some days are good, some days not so good, but i know i have to be strong, That i can be this person that i so want to be, this person i know i never will be. And change this person i have become. The anger builds up inside me, and i have no way to vent it out. I look forward to ever MOSH-PIT (umm The load music, the atmoshper, the unity, and the agrestion!). Every JOINT is another puff to happyness, to forgeting what has happened to hinding, running away from what is, and what was. Ever pint of beer, i have, one step closer to drinking my self unconsus just so i can have a night, a night of sleep, undesurbed, pure, dreamless, sleep!.......

_________________________
If your not livin on the edge your taking up to much space!

DISTUBED VISIONS OF AN UNDERWORLD!!

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#33214 - 01/06/03 01:17 AM Re: feeling!!!
Sleepy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/08/02
Posts: 288
Loc: Arizona, USA
Little_E,
Let it out and let yourself feel. Don't keep it in. That could kill you. I hope you're seeing a therapist. If not, maybe your university has one you can see. I get a sense that you're not from the US but here the universities have counseling centers. Maybe you could check that out. Take care of yourself.
mike

_________________________
"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
--Ursula K. Le Guin

"Mental health is a commitment to reality at all times."
--M. Scott Peck

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#33215 - 01/06/03 03:17 AM Re: feeling!!!
RJD Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 326
Loc: jefferson City, Mo,usa
Hi Little_E,
You sound so much like me a few years ago. I urge you not to wait to find a therapist. I think Sleepy is right on target with that. I know that feelimg of being bombarded with thoughts and not being able to focus on anything long enough to make sense of it. I've described it as as feeling like I'm the ball in a pinball machine that is violently catipulted from one issue or memory post then immediately into the next post with a memory or issue and before I can focus on that issue to deal with it, i've already been slammed into the nextterror. Then suddenly the game is over and all i can think is what was that about. Then it starts all over again.

It cost me my first attempt at college. I was hospitalized and neglected to drop out of school, so it was much harder to get back in. It was worth the struggle to get back into school many years later.

You don't have to hurt alone like this. There can be help out here.

I was always the broad shoulder for everyone to lean on, but I never felt like I was worth burdening others with my story of pain. Little_E your heart is well worth listening to. There are people out here that would consider it an honor and a priveledge to be a witness, to and listen, to what your heart has to say.

When we experience what we all have on this page we are taught that we are unimportant and undeserving and there to be used by someone else. That is an outright lie Little_E. There isn't a man on these pages who can't feel what it feels like to have a devastated sense of self-esteem as you are describing it. My self protective impulse is to buoy you up. You are not alone here. I don't think I overstep my boundaries too much by saying each one of us can feel the pain and confusion you have expressed here.

Part of what I learned growing up was how to please
others at the cost of who I am. Feeling like I wear a mask is a piece of being there for other's needs because my needs are insignificant.

It sounds like you're life is reeling out of control. Do yourself a big favor. Find a good therapist.

You've already written words from your heart here. It is an honor and a priveledge to hear and witness what you have shared. Thank you


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#33216 - 01/06/03 03:18 AM Re: feeling!!!
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Little_E,
Quote:
Live fast, die young. Living life on the edge casue other wise you take up to much space! WHo want to live for ever, who want to travel an eneratiy wiv all these bags! Which unlike Air-ports you cant lose. No matter what you do. How far you burrie it, how fast your run, or how far you go, it WILL find you and eat me up again.
There is hope and CHANGE is possible but it takes hard work and time. Yes you can be like me and hid from all this shit for years and then deal with it when you are in your mid 40's or 50's. You are young and now is your best time to change. If you take the time and deal with it now It will not be able to EAT YOU UP because YOU ARE IN CONTROL

Seeing a therapist.,as Mike said is so important . You can't begin to deal with it until you have some one to talk it out with.
Little_E, you can change this and you have started by coming here. Best of help on your road to recovery. Muldoon

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#33217 - 01/06/03 10:00 AM Re: feeling!!!
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Little_E,

Sounds to me like you are thinking that you share the blame for your abuse. You are the victim, and are moving towards becoming a survivor. You did not deserve what happened to you. You can feel many things, but guilt is not one of them.

You do not have to try to make the world right and you do not have to make it safe, except for you at this time in your life. You have earned the right to be cared for and loved in a healthy way.

Talking to a therapist who either works with victims of sexual abuse, or PTSD would be good and lead to healing. If there is a reason why that is not possible for you just now, then the people at rape crisis centers are able to listen and understand.

Breaking the silence is difficult and frightening. You have to be sure of the person you tell, that they will believe you. But breaking the silence is also freeing.

If you feel that you can't do any of this--this IS a place where you can say what you need to say, even if it is bit by bit, or if it is by replying to other guys posts.

Little_E, you sound like you are a pressure cooker, almost ready to blow that top off unless some of the steam is allowed out. Try to let a little out each day. Eventually you'll have the pressure down to where it is manageable.

Much peace to you Lad!

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#33218 - 01/06/03 10:06 AM Re: feeling!!!
zadok1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/02
Posts: 188
Loc: Ohio
boy, have i been there, and perhaps parts of me still are. i know that numbing, jumbled mix of feelings, and have endured a lifetime of depression and confusion. you're right they never go away totally, but with time and effort, you can make things make sense. you can put things in perspective, and move on with life. it will always be a part of you, but how big a part is a matter for you to figure out.

i have said it many times. recovery doesnt change the past, it is only a means of learning to live a happy, full life despite your past. learning doesnt really capture it, it is more an internal change where what has pained you looses power, and the things holding you back are let go. the abuse has its power because we give it the power. we relive it with depression and pain each day, and allow it to own us.

when you can finally wake up one morning, and refuse to live another day like that, you will have taken a big step. there comes a point where you grow so tired of carrying it all that you either let it destroy you, or you reach deep to find a new way of living. in the end, it all comes from inside.

sometimes things take an outside voice to help sort out, along with advice and tips. i am not sure anyone can heal from such deep feelings without help. there is no shame or weakness in seeking that help. only you can heal and recover, and you have to like yourself enough to get whatever help you need. even a therapist can't do the work for you. you have to feel the feelings, and find ways of remaking your life. you have to change the way you look at the world, and you are the only one who can.

_________________________
The world is a dangerous place, not because of those that are evil, but because of those who do nothing about them- Albert Einstein

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#33219 - 01/06/03 04:02 PM Re: feeling!!!
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Little_e

Your story sounds so familiar, the torments - and lying awake wondering what the hell to do about it?

All the guys mention therapy, and I agree. It's the only answer.
So many of us spent far too long thinking we were clever enough to sort it out for ourselves.
I for one was wrong, I spent over 30 years fooling myself I didn't need help, and I got worse by the day.

Most Uni's and Colleges have excellent student support, and I'm sure someone there will help.
Don't be afraid of asking either, the people doing these jobs are there to help because they want to.
Someone mentioned rape crisis centres, they know where you could get help as well.

For support, well you've come to a good place here.
We do understand what goes on, we can help a bit.

Be strong Little_e
Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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