removed - safety issues

Silly, you have opened my own mind to discovery with this post.
I have been pushing aside the good things that "D" did with me, like teaching me to ride a bike with his older brother, and playing match box and hotwheels with me in the dirt. I guess in a way I too looked up to him and in finally seeing that it makes me understand the reason I kept going back...I thought that maybe next time he wouldn't hurt me again. A naive assumption from such a young mind, but that seems very true to me after reading your story and this recent post. I also feel that what "D" did to me was learned as he started abusing me when he was only 10 years old. That empathy, will never give way to sympathy, but it may help me to forgive him. Thank you so much for the enlightenment.

Gary

Silly you are stronger than you know. Good job friend you will be better be proud.

Silly, I agree with Dogs&Gods. You are stronger than you know. And you are not alone, brother.

removed - safety issues

Addendum - May, 2010 (unsure of proper date...copied from my Journal)

Last night was long...Very vivid dreams/semi flashbacks...it's hard to say this because I was reliving my rape, but I was both me as a kid being raped and me as my own perp...?!? Is it possible to dissociate in a dream? It's just messing with my head hard. Something else happened that I can't wrap my head around. I had a wet dream. It's messed up and I don't know what to make of it. Anything like this ever happen to anyone? It's really un-nerving.

un-nerving that you had a wet dream or un-nerving that you saw yourself as a perp in your dream?

as far as wet dreams go, i've had them a few times... it was weird to me the first time.. after that, it's actually a little more frustrating.. cleaning myself up and all.. *laughs*...

as far as the dreams, i've had many sex dreams.. MANY.... i haven't had one where i was perping myself though.. however, i have dreamt of my abuse many times.

todd

S,

I was talking with my T about a disturbing dream I had recently and while my T is absolutely not a "dream" T , although he is in the ways that count, we talked about it and one of the areas we touch upon was that in dreams we frequently try to regain some control. Perhaps you were the perp in your own dream for this reason. Perhaps it's a fear of yours...to be a perp. No way to know, but the idea that dreams can tell us incredible hidden things about ourselves is the stuff of movies. At the end of the day, you had an abuse dream in which you played multiple roles...upsetting for sure but nothng more. So you got deeply aroused during it, maybe that's the disturbing part really for you. Well, this stuff is sexual and sex often leads to certain responses...that's one of them, but it doesn't mean anything really.

Courage my friend...welcome to recovery...it may get worse before it gets better...always good to remember.

Oh and in this thread I have learned more about your abuse S...you're a strong man, never forget that...you will move from survivor to thrivor I know!!!!!!

Kevin.

Hi Silly-

I salute your courage as you walk thru and process this.

I can relate to the wet-dreams as I unpacked memories and rearranged my understanding of what I had been through.

My body releases these memories and makes room for healing-so long as I don't consciously make choices to re-live the abuse or practice other abusive behavior, I am safe and feel like I am making progress on this journey.

Take GOOD CARE of yourself, and be safe as you work this out.

This probably seems like an odd thing to quote but I wanted to chime in on stuff "clattering around" in our heads.

I'm betting it happens to all of - whether we are just starting recovery or whether we are "recovered" or somewhere in between. We cycle through all our memories, we think about what we remember and what we know happened absent actual memories of every event or instance.

I'm pretty good at driving myself crazy recycling through memories and figuring out dates, times, places, people. I know it's an important part of my healing to honor and acknowledge those memories and I know, for me, it's an equally important that I stop myself from living so much in the past that I can't function in the present or think of a future. It's been fourteen years since my first recalled memory of the abuse and there are times it feels like I'm back at square one but I'm thankful for the memories as they lead me to a better place and help me realize how far I've traveled away from there.

I agree with a number of the other posts here - you are stronger than you know, facing these memories and recovering more is a sign of that strength and a sign that it is time to heal.

Heal well,

Added - 6/24/2010

Today I'm ^%$&^%$&%...I want the poison drawn out of me so bad it hurts...I'm stuck going nowhere. I can't move forward emotionally crippled and hating myself for being so damned weak whithered and twisted. Why can't I move past this? why does it have beat me down into the dirt evry day? why am i so worthless

Silly,

You are going through a process of healing. It comes about with a lot of shock and shame. It is what a lot of us are going through. Just don't give up. We are here for you. We do understand.

Allen

pufferfish

Silly,
I find myself feeling this way often. Today is pretty close but somehow I feel like fighting back today which isn't the usual reaction.
Anyway one of my solutions is to find distractions. I watch video online, I research for information about my case or my perps, and I try as hard as possible to do something.
I always know that this to shall pass. Its only a temporary state it ebbs and flows.

Hi, my fraternal brother.

I, was one of those whom loved his perp. He was the "mom & dad" that i never had. It has taken me 55+ years, thousands of dollars, 2 therapists, 3 WoR's, a weekend locked up in a mental facility, to realise that love of me, had nothing to do with it. My, inner child (little Pete), had told me that he never did love Ralph. On my last WoR at Sequoia, i had finally cut the last strand of that noose around my neck, that he loved me & i loved him. 55+ years living a lie.

Wet dreams, a few, hell i'm 71 years old. Dreams of the abuse, I had one about 6 months ago, i was dreaming that i was giving myself a bj, i jumped out of the bed, sat down wondering just what in the hell was going on with me.

I always mention in my introductions, be prepaired for the emotional roller coaster ride of your life.

I have been dealing with this for only 22 months. I have been from the gate of hell (suicide). To the infinity of the heavens (God) gave me back little Peter, WoR Dahlonega, Ga.
And everywhere in between.

My brother in order for us to heal, we have to pass through hell first, but it does get better. I have HOPE for you. I have HOPE for me. I have HOPE for our brothers here.

Heal well my brother, Silly, heal well.

Pete..Irishmoose.