It didnt hit me until later when I talked with a counselor about what happened to me when I was 21. I explained to her that I had met a guy and that he forced me into sexual acts. He would call me to talk about sexual things... I was curious about my sexual status at the time. We often joked about doing sexual things. He announced one day that he wanted to come over to where I lived. I made sure to tell him I did not want or plan on doing anything sexual with him. He said that was fine... we could just hang out together. I called my aunt to ask her if it was ok that I had company over cause I knew she would be home also. He showed up at my house before my Aunt came home.
He came to my house and sat on the sofa in the living room. He asked me to take my clothes off.. but I denyed him by saying "people don't just do that- with people they meet". He pressured me a lot to do things with him, finally I gave in. I went to my room and showed myself to him. He started touching my privates... I asked him "what are you doing?" and he replied "I want to see how big you get". I never had a choice to say no... I froze up. He told me to close my eyes... so I did. I mentally removed myself from the situation. Suddenly my Aunt came home and he could hear her enter the living room from the room we were in. He suddenly stopped and started to play the keyboard in my room. I composed myself. We went out of the room and he introduced himself to my Aunt. He shook her hand. She went to sleep in her room. He then pressured me to contiune what we started before. I gave in again and went to my room and he followed. He turned me around.. He asked me if it was ok if he undid my pants, I didnt say anything before he started doing it...and he started fallatio on me. He held me with his one arm and touched me with his other as he was having oral sex with me. He also talked to me as he did this... I didnt respond.. he never said anything about giving me an opportunity to stop what was happening. He didnt want my Aunt to suspect anything was happening..neither did I, I was guilty... so he tried to talk to me also while he was forcing me. I shook his hand laying beside me to get his attention...I was in shock... I suddenly got the courage to push him from me.. and in that moment he forced me down harshly... not in a sexual way... or nice way.. it was a clear message that I was not allowed to get up. I froze again still. I felt myself emission. He made a "Kah" sound like he was drinking something satisfiying. I trembled throuout the whole thing. I was in pain. He left bruises on my privates. After I sat up... and he asked me if I was ok. I didnt respond. I pretended like everything was ok. I had to... if anyone knew I would be trash. I walked him out the bus stop outside my home. He shook my hand and prided himself in all the sexual acts he's done. He left and I never saw him again. I went back home and took a shower and cried... I felt dirty and guilty. I later confronted him in an e-mail... but he threatened me... and my family. He said he was a cop so I would be in trouble for slander or libel if I ever told anyone. I later found out that my cousin's boyfriend met him... my assailant had tried to advance with him also. Was this date rape? Can pressuring someone be really an act of force? What happened to me that day? Why did I feel like I lost a part of myself?

_________________________
Danny