Lazarus,

Thank you for sharing this part of your story. It has touched me deeply and helped me feel like I really belong here.

I do not know if it appropriate to say what I going to say and I certainly do not want to cause you additional pain but I was member of one of those groups of boys, where other boys who had been sexually abused by older men and boys were teaching us all the new sexual games and things they had learned from other older people. I do not hold these young men responsible for sharing this information with me and I am saddened to hear of the burden of guilt you carry for these things:

“I realized many years ago how awful that was. While my own abuse was not my fault, certainly this was and I'm not proud of it. I can't tell you why I did what I did, and the guilt will follow me to my grave. How many lives can one person ruin?”

When someone suffers CSA there is certainly a ripple affect because as you mentioned and as I know after members of my group learned the new games we felt obliged to share this information with others as well; but again with people pretty much our own age or close to it. I am not trying to minimize the impact of my being so completely sexualized at an early age but I have to point that that trauma you or others felt as children being victimized by an adult or a much older child is not the same impact that another child feels when exploring new and maybe dangours territory with a peer were the worst consequences for not participating in the new game are being labeled “a chicken” or being excluded from the group.

You were a child too and did not have an adult awareness of the consequences of your actions do not hold yourself to an adult standard it dose not apply in this type of situation.


Cal

TaylorWayne,

I relate to a lot of what has been said in this post it has been interesting to read. I too have struggled with being obsessed with men's crouches.

Taylor, it seems like you done quite a bit work and are planning to do more, good luck. I do have suggestion: one of the things I was told to do which helped quite a bit when I found myself objectifying other men was to pray for them. I had to pray for their soul and that they would be that safe and happy and then and this the most important part for me I had to pray for my soul and that I would be safe and happy. I found that if did not pray for my soul and my happiness I wasn't as successfully at breaking the cycle of objectification. Another point is that this worked for me even though I had very little faith in any kind of God.

Years later I realized that when I was objecting other men it was a signal to me to take care of myself, to do something positive for myself. It sounds like you are already doing some of that.

I relate to your calling this part of yourself the Horny Alien inside, I used to refer that part of myself as the Dark Lord (per "Lord of the Rings") but after few years of fighting my Dark Lord and having him pretty much kick my ass every time. Someone (maybe therapist) suggested I look at who the Dark Lord was behind his mask and boy was shocked. I found my 5 year old self and he was pissed. He didn’t much of how I had taken care of him to that point a matter of fact he was pretty damn sure I had fucked it up and he could do a better job. This lead to me to learn some inner parenting skills and part that involved learning to stop his tantrums without abusing him (not a skill I learned at home) and silence his fears without being more scary (another new skill) because regardless of all my "5 year old inner Dark Lord" was able to do he was not an adult and I was and it was my job not his, even if I did not know how do the job very well at the time. Anyway this lead to many year of integrating my inner Dark Lord and we are on much better terms today. Good luck with your Horny Alien I am sure it will be interesting journey.

Cal

Hello TaylorWayne ...

The first 4 points of your list couldn't of described my week any better if I had wrote them myself.
Points 3 & 4 particularly are scary - my sense of self satisfaction of a well laid plan coming off have been replaced by concern that my behaviour is out of control. For a control freak that is rather disconcerting.
Normally that sense of self satisfaction would last a week or two before I would eventually concede that I have partaken in activity that I really don't want to be a part of. I of course always console myself with that fact that it will never happen again, until it does.

Thanks for sharing your list.

Wow Taylor,
Thanks.
Sorry it took so long for me to finally read it, but i'm glad i did. having a tuff time lately. seems that this place is my "fall back" position. really glad it is here. thanks guys.
btw, whats up with the dates? why isnt there any dates on the pages anymore?

Ditto. I definitely had that going on too and I realized eventualy I believe it has something to do with my own insecurities, that I'm simply not good enough. I see other people and think "damn I wish I could be like that guy, he's really good looking/muscular/has lots of women all over him/etc." And then I realized I used to sexualize all that. Fucked up way to live, but until I'm six feet under I don't plan on giving up the fight to take the power out of my abuse.

Glad I'm not the only one struggling with this. I thought it was penis envy at first until I got older and found out it was connected to something else. I never had a relationship with any man except a sexual one. I looked up to my older brother as a kid, but when he betrayed my trust in him something happened. I had already endured the same thing with a cousin, but it hurt more coming from my brother.

I have one male friend that never betrayed me the same way my older brother did. I was 18 when I first met him and I couldn't stop staring at his crotch, the band of his boxers or feet, whenever I saw them. Staring at them always lead to sexual thoughts that I assumed would occur, but it never happened. After nine years of friendship I no longer have this desire to stare at his crotch, boxer bands or feet. I think we can all agree to some extent that that's what were really looking for when we look at other men: we want a male friend we can trust not to betray us the way other men have betrayed us in the past.

While I still have to deal with looking at other men, I at least know that it's not their penis that I'm looking for, but a bond. A bond that was severed because of what I had experienced as a child.

i still feel that way deep down inside, that this is my primary importance and function; i've lived my entire life thinking so, and didn't even realize it. it's as if i was defined by such a powerful experience as the first orgasm in connection with my older brother. it's as if i have no memory of having any value prior to that. that sux. but today i am changing those thoughts, now that i understand the roots of my problem as being issues arising from the emotional impressions that got wired into 'me', and less about the thoughts that sprang up after, and because of, them.

for me, as far as checking out other guys go, that's not something i need or desire to pursue. other guys fill me with such joy, which takes away my pain, and makes me feel happy feelings and think happy thoughts.

aaaaaah-meeeen [sung in the key of happiness]

ron[do]

Aloha Mike from Hawaii, SA by brother I don,t know if there is a magical solution. Been working on this with therapist for months now with some progress but its work.

Aloha Mike from Hawaii, SA by brother I don,t know if there is a magical solution. Been working on this with therapist for months now with some progress but its work.