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#33096 - 01/04/03 03:06 PM In Memory
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
Today marks a day that I would rather not have to remember for what it is about. It is a tough day for me and one that there just aren't enough words for. I know that nothing I do or say or think or create will ever replace my Mom or bring her back... and that is tough to deal with.

The past year has been seen some very big ups and some very big downs. The pain clouded so much of the world for a big share of it and as the pain is healing, the sun does shine through. A year ago, I never thought that I could make it through what I have. I didn't see then how it could all just get better or the pain would lessen. I tried to listen to people when they said these things, but the pain was just too great at the time.

At this point in my life I can see that my life truly changed on the day I received the phone call about my mom. Since that point, the path I am on has not been the same. Where this new path will lead me in the future, I can only guess at this time. If anything positive has come out of this so far, it is for the fact that this was such a life changing event for me.

But more importantly I have begun to work through the emotions of what my mom and I experienced together. It is not easy as I always looked up to my mom and now I painfully realize that she was not in a position to be able to rescue me, save me or take me away from the monsters that haunted my daily existance. For she was haunted by the same monsters.

It has been a year since I last spoke to anyone in my family. They wish so badly that I didn't exist and now since my mom is gone, I guess they can assume this more easily. My father, the main monster, always preached to us that we would be a close family no matter what and yet he is the one that drove the wedge between the family. Maybe some day I will be able to view him differently but for now the pain and sorrow and hurt engulfs that part of my life.

There is so much I wished that I could have told my mom and talked to her about and just asked her. However that unexpected moment in time took that away from me forever. The only way I can now communicate with her is through the winds of the universe. For now she lives on in my life as memories.

When I described my mom to a friend of mine the other day which was very passionate and caring for others, very respectful, very creative and intelligent and someone that everyone liked; they said that is exactly how I see you. So in these ways, my mom does continue to live through me and I will cherish that forever in my life. For so much of who I am came from my mom. There is so much of me in her.

I am reposting the Memorial page to my mom and my only hope is that people will take a moment to look at it so you too can see just how wonderful of a lady she was. She was a survivor and she was my mom.

http://www.breakingthesilence.net/personalpics/mom/mom1.htm

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#33097 - 01/04/03 03:49 PM Re: In Memory
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
Thanks Scott,
Actually the memories were hidden in a deep fog for me and since my mom left this world, I have been rediscovering this part of my life. Of course my father is a different story and that one isn't a good memory.

I appreciate your support.

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#33098 - 01/04/03 04:02 PM Re: In Memory
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hi Don,

Your post and the memorial page in honor of your mother are truly worksd of love. You have dome a beautiful thing for her.

Thanks for sharing all of this with us.

I envy your talents at music--at least I play a mean radio!

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#33099 - 01/04/03 04:48 PM Re: In Memory
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Don, I had trouble reading your tribute to your mother becuz my mother was my prime perp, still alive, but I'm basically treating her as tho she's dead. I've dealt with her in therapy & at this point feel no need or desire to be in contact with her. Got something from her for Christmas with a note in the card wondering why I'm not writing her back. I'm going to talk to my T as I'm considering writing back & telling her why, but I'm not sure. Anyway, your tribute to your mother is beautiful, as I'm sure she was & is. I'm sure she's hearing & enjoying your music even now. My thots & prayers are with you as you remember your loss, and yet all you gained from your mother. Take care, Don.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#33100 - 01/04/03 07:17 PM Re: In Memory
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Don
you're a lucky man to have so many fabulous memories.

I'm sure that's where you get your strength from, and long may you do so.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#33101 - 01/05/03 03:13 AM Re: In Memory
Aptrick Offline


Registered: 06/26/02
Posts: 65
Loc: Nashville,Tennessee
Thank you for sharing about your mother....it's kind of ignorant of me to assume that anything in this world is a solitary experience. My mother, too is passed and I miss her. She and I survived my father ( who was my perp); it is an experience that you don't know how to share with others. She and I never talked about him, once we got away; or about what happened. I was born out of two dumb kids lust; and then tortured, abused, and tormented my whole childhood. I miss her the most because of the agony and pain we shared; Ive always thought, if you can survive that, you can survive anything. She gave up and killed herself 9 years ago and Ive had to deal with sooo much guilt, anger, and feelings of abandonment. At times, I feel that I could never relate to anyone because of my 'burdens'; other moments, I feel I can relate to any pain because pain is something we all suffer from. Only the reasons for pain is different. Please, read this and know that love never ends and hope never dies; take her memories and her love and build a foundation of health and happiness for yourself. Rick


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#33102 - 01/05/03 03:24 AM Re: In Memory
Sleepy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/08/02
Posts: 288
Loc: Arizona, USA
(((((((Don)))))))

I'm glad you keep the memories alive.
mike

_________________________
"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
--Ursula K. Le Guin

"Mental health is a commitment to reality at all times."
--M. Scott Peck

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#33103 - 01/06/03 12:33 AM Re: In Memory
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
Thanks everyone for your thoughtful words. They do mean a lot to me and I really appreciate it. I spent the day at a favorite park of mine where I have gone to talk to her. I'm really glad the day is over because it was not easy to deal with and now it is sort of a relief. She will however continue to live on in and through me.

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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