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#330758 - 05/02/10 08:39 PM Colonoscopy tomorrow
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
Had a bunch of polyps 5 years ago gotts go in. I'm nervous and anxious.
I'll post tomorrow after I get home and eat.

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#331273 - 05/20/10 12:26 PM Re: Colonoscopy tomorrow [Re: kidneythis]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
WOW what a surprise to find the board down when I came back on to tell.
Ok They found polyps again and I have to have another in 5 years again.
I became conscious several times during it and for the next 5-6 days I was different, more angry, more upset and more wrong feeling for no reson. Usually I have an easily explained reason for this. It occured to me that I might have been triggered a bit to reliving some of the humiliation by those times I came out of the drug haze.
Otherwise I cleared up to normal colon function by thursday.
(I had it on a monday)
I got t-boned in my car the following monday and I am still in pain 9 days later. I was/am very anxious and unable to stay still even though I needed to because of docs orders and this made me think of one of the mental tortures used on me to make me hide my injuries as a boy and that was to threaten death, exclusion, or to just beat me and further injure the part injured if I showed any sign of weakness like favoring my injured right hand.
So my idea is that the injury from the wreck triggered this (or possibly this has always been how I am since the conditioning) conditioning unconsciously and my feeling anxious, not being able to sit still, not showing signs of the pain I feel in normal ways like by not moving the injured part or moving it differently than normal as I guess a normally injured person would, are the leftovers of that childhood conditioning. I also have a very hard time describing the pain. I think this is also part of that conditioning.
I've always been like this letting someone know I had an injury always stuck fear even terror in me so I've always hidden any possible outward sign of injury if I could. Making myself seem OK/normal even now with 100% disability is a behavior I cannot break and if I did I wouldn't know how to act anyway. That part of internal development was taken from me.

Harumph, didn't come here to write that but I did.
Thanks for bringing the site back Board. Nice to be here again.









Edited by kidneythis (05/20/10 12:40 PM)
_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#331280 - 05/20/10 12:38 PM Re: Colonoscopy tomorrow [Re: kidneythis]
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 507
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
kidneythis,

Welcome back, buddy!!! It's good to hear from you again! smile

I think I understand you feeling upset by your recent experiences, since they were triggers relating to your childhood. Just remember, buddy: you might have been conditioned to hide fear and injury, but you are sharing those with us here on this website, and that's a good step forward.

Take good care of yourself, buddy. You're important to us.

Your loving brother,

Bobcat


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#331281 - 05/20/10 12:41 PM Re: Colonoscopy tomorrow [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
Hey Bobcat thanks

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#331286 - 05/20/10 12:54 PM Re: Colonoscopy tomorrow [Re: kidneythis]
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 507
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
You bet, buddy. smile

Your loving brother,

Bobcat


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#331294 - 05/20/10 01:19 PM Re: Colonoscopy tomorrow [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11056
Loc: Denver, CO
kt, I've had a few scopes in the past, so I know about those. Hated them like crazy, but they seemed necessary at the time. Surgery followed, for something with a big long medical title.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#331337 - 05/20/10 05:31 PM Re: Colonoscopy tomorrow [Re: kidneythis]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
Kidneythis,

I'm sorry you were in an accident. It sounds like your colonoscopy was successful so that is good news to hear.

I hope your recovering and healing well after your accident.

Charlie.


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#331370 - 05/20/10 09:42 PM Re: Colonoscopy tomorrow [Re: Charlie24]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
Thanks Charlie. The car was a total loss and I can't imagine how it is I walked away. I'm very sore and achy and well my trust issues are making doctors nervous. I was anxious and unable to stop myself from moving about manicly for a while. I drove 80+ miles in the first two days after I got the rental and drove around for no good reason everyday for almost 5 days before I finally sat still for a whole day. I'm guessing that was my abuse conditioning making me act like that to hide my state of injury from ? Anyone who might be a potential attacker I guess. (there is no one in my life that I have any fear of attack from thus my connection of this behavior to the childhood abuse. I've always done this sort of thing when injured. Must hide injury, must hide injury, is the unconscious mantra)
I think I need an MRI of my abdomen and they don't. I think they're playing the odds since they cannot know for sure that nothing more than bruising is wrong unless they do one.
I had one try to tell me X-rays are for soft tissue imaging. I must really appear a maroon for people to try so many ridiculous things on me. confused



Edited by kidneythis (05/20/10 09:51 PM)
_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#331406 - 05/21/10 01:24 AM Re: Colonoscopy tomorrow [Re: kidneythis]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6857
Loc: USA
kidney,

Those scope things are never pleasant things. My doctor once gave me a complete lower body CAT scan. That wasn't a good idea either. I'm so sorry you got T-boned. That must have been a horrible experience.

p.s. I don't think the cat enjoyed it very mich either. smile frown

Allen

pufferfish whistle





Edited by pufferfish (05/21/10 01:51 AM)
Edit Reason: cat remarks

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#331437 - 05/21/10 10:06 AM Re: Colonoscopy tomorrow [Re: pufferfish]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
ha ha ha Allen

I just realized the Chiro cracking my neck monday probably triggered me too. He only did it to the side where the kid who paralyzed me did and in that same sharp motion that broke my neck.
I felt really weird mentally all week until I realized that this morning. He also did something where he said he was balancing me as I stood and walked on my toes and heels but was pulling and pushing really hard on my left injured shoulder with one hand under the arm and one over he was lifting and pulling forward then back on it which has caused me more pain in it this week than I had last week right after the accident. This is reinforcing the mistrustful trigger from the neck thing. sick zoinks
Maybe there was a good reason for it but my balance wasn't that reason he started doing it before he evn explained what he wanted me to do. Do Dr.s intentionally cause pain to see the reaction? How is my tolerance for pain an indication of anything but tolerance? It did hurt I just didn't say anything.



Edited by kidneythis (05/21/10 10:08 AM)
_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#331588 - 05/22/10 10:44 AM Re: Colonoscopy tomorrow [Re: kidneythis]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
I saw the chiro yesterday and told hom about my neck and how I didn't want him cracking any moe and he got mad! He claimed he wasn't cracking my neck, said some shit about being uncomfortable with a patient who doesn't trust him and said I'm going to have to put tis in the record that you are not cooperating and refusing treatment. What a manipulative jerk.
I told him why and asked if he understood when he reacted so strangely and he said yes! Wow some people.

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#331598 - 05/22/10 01:22 PM Re: Colonoscopy tomorrow [Re: kidneythis]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6857
Loc: USA
Kidney,

Yes, his words and his behavior are clearly sociopathic. He blamed everything on you without any empathy for you. You are better off without him.

Allen

pufferfish whistle


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#331599 - 05/22/10 01:37 PM Re: Colonoscopy tomorrow [Re: FormerTexan]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6857
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: FormerTexan
kt, I've had a few scopes in the past, so I know about those. Hated them like crazy, but they seemed necessary at the time. Surgery followed, for something with a big long medical title.


New meaning for "Scopes Trials" lol smile

Allen

pufferfish whistle




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#332704 - 06/01/10 04:05 PM Re: Colonoscopy tomorrow [Re: pufferfish]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
Not sure where else to put this so since I already complained about this here...

Today I was at the chiro and it went way off. If you refer back tothe first complaint about this guy I got past that and the next visit he had some different way to treat me which he had indicated was not available the week prior when I asked him not to bend my neck as he did. So that went well and the next time too. Then I got a massage last week which was very good. All seemed well and moving along as it should.

Today before I went something stabbed and pinched me in the injured shoulder. I told them this in the form and to the MT. SHe seemed lost and like she was off, she mentioned she had been "sick but not really sick" over the weekend as I was waiting. Anyway she was weird talking about my other shoulder and the scar she plainly saw the week before and making illusions to recurring problems and talking about referred pains. I told her I never had any problems with this shoulder until it was injured. To make it known up front when she was done with me the shoulder that had stabbed and pinched me this morning and had been just fine until then was now tightere than ever and pulled up to my ear and the other side which she worked on is hurting from her over working the muscles.

She was far less adept at her job this week and at one point she was working my neck with one hand and pressing down on my floating rib with what I thought must have been her elbow to the point that it was hurting as much as the out of place ribs on the injured side when it first happened. I asked her to remove her elbow to which she replied she wasn't using her elbow and she kept pushing with what turned out to be her hand. I said then your hand and she made a faintly confused sound and let up a bit. Finally I reached back and grabbed her arm and said "Please stop pushing here." then she got all aopologetic and I said fine fine. Then she said something about "you intercostals must be inflamed if you're that sensitive" and started fussing about the spot above the floating rib shoving it into me with her fingers. then she asked me if it still hurt and I said I could feel the spot she was pushing on.

She moved around a bit avoiding working the top of the left trapezious and the scalenes which are the main focus of tightness and shoulder/collar bone pain. She shifted position but kept working on the same muscles over the intersection of the levator and supraspinitus.She just kept at it and at it and this was never tight or gave me problems in years and it was starting to hurt really badly. I told her it hurt and she barely backed off. Finally I asked her to please stop working that spot. Then she started to work the back of my neck and head on the left side and she started to push down again on the floating rib on that side! I brushed her off with my elbow this time and she aquiessed and didn't try to do anything.

Anyway she kept on without further injuring me or turning me over./ In fact when she got up to leave I thought it was time to turn over until she said "get up when you're ready".

I was mainly interested in the pain that is in my shoulder after that pinch/stab this morning. I got moved into a new room and was waiting for the doctor. then he came in and asked me how I was I said ok but this morn...then he interupted me. We HAVE To Talk. So I got up. and he says to me "do you want to continue treating here?" I'm thrown. I asked whats up? He says "I've got someone out here who is in tears because you wouldn't let her treat you". Of course I'm baffled and said I don't know what you mean but I only asked her to stop hurting me. Then he says I won't let them treat me with things he knows I need. I said I only asked her to stop hurting me. I then described the pain as hurtful muscle killing pain as I was wound up now and couldn't manage to say that the pain was not therpeutic pain but harmful pain. He kept talking to me acting like it was a conversation but what he had to say had nothing to do with what I said. Nothing he said directly addressed anything I said and nothing I said had any effect on him. My responses to his complaints were meaningless to him and I see now futile as he wasn't looking for my response he wanted me to leave. Everything he said in this conversation was a tangential sidestep. It was freaky and very unsettleing to think I had trusted this man to do very dangerous things to my body.

He kept it up with the same passive aggressive crap he pulled when I asked him not to twist my neck as he did. Anyway he managed to keep bringing the conversation back to the question as if I had raised it. As if I was the one wanting to be let go instead of it being him asking me to leave in a passive aggressive way, "do you want to continue treating here?"
Finally after he had done this several times I told him "not after this crap, how could I trust you." It was clear to me with how he kept bringing the conversation back to the question which I never raised that he wanted me to move on.

What a fucking lowlife. Does anyone understand what the hell just happened to me?

I have an appointment with anopther provider this afternoon but I'm fucking freaked out. This is as bad as the goddam doctors not wanting to image my insides when I felt so badly. Like they didn't give a flying what I felt or how I felt they were going to do what they had been told to do absent the signs of blood or head trauma, (which I now think I must have had to make me so dazed that I doidn't know I needed to go to the hospital and would expolain the other worldly sense I had of everyone moving about me for the next coulple days.) at some time prior and that was it.

Can anyone else fathom how deeply unsettleing it is to have the people you trust with your life and health to be so disrespectful and dismissive?

I fucking felt absolutely fantastic when I stepped into the shower this morning and now I'm a basket case. This was intentional.



Edited by kidneythis (06/01/10 04:26 PM)
_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#332716 - 06/01/10 07:03 PM Re: Colonoscopy tomorrow [Re: kidneythis]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
Hey Kidneythis,

I just wanna say I've had issues with past medical doctors. The last general practitioner I saw basically told me I was making up my sexual abuse and it was a bunch of lies and I needed help badly. Really fucking annoying. Don't feel like going into all the details but it's been awkward when I've talked to doctors about being sexually abused.

It's exhausting like you pointed out to ask people to stop doing something and they continue to fuck around and do what they please.

This is so damn frustrating. Kinda turns me off doctors.

Luckily not all in the medical community I've dealt with have been bad, I have a wonderful dentist with a a great staff and my ENT is wonderful and listens and talks to me and takes suggestions and realizes how well we each all know our own bodies.

I'm sorry you've been hurt by these people who should be professionals. I'm sorry I too have dealt with this shit.

I hate to say, but unfortunately there are always bad apples in every profession that can really ruin it for patients. I guess I've learned to just keep trying until I find someone.

Charlie


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#332721 - 06/01/10 08:41 PM Re: Colonoscopy tomorrow [Re: Charlie24]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
THX Charlie,
the new guy and his staff seem OK and he didn't flinch at my telling him the story so there is that and he gave me infrared light therapy and a tens unit on my back at the same time. It seems the light helped quite a bit as the muscles the gfirl this morning wouldn't work are finally relaxed.
They seem much more normal to me than most I've dealt with here for the last 6 years. This guy said he wanted me to feel free to sya what I wanted to and that he wanted me to feel like I was being helped.

I'm starting to suspect the first guy and his massuese were trying to coach me to say things were as they told me rather than what they are. I think its guys like him who make chiro's have a bad reputation.

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#332738 - 06/02/10 01:49 AM Re: Colonoscopy tomorrow [Re: kidneythis]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
Fucking bastard now I can't sleep. I was doing just fine healing well, I even had a few nights solid sleep w/o being woken up by the pain. Now I can't sleep, my arm is aching and I'm wide awake against my will as if I were high on coke. Of course its the dam adrenaline.

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#342324 - 10/17/10 01:11 PM Re: Colonoscopy tomorrow [Re: kidneythis]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
Updating for those who were interested;

I finally got sent to an Orthopedist for the shoulder in August. Only 4 months for the referal I should have had the day of the accident! OK the guy was very positive and gave me PT.
The PT has helped with the constant pain a lot.
I only get pinches and aching if I use the shoulder too much or the back muscles that were so weakened get tired and I lose posture. (who knew you could move your scapula down and inward toward the spine at will as you are seated pulling with muscles in the lower back I'm not sure I knew about before? Not me! in fact I couldn't until this guy showed me how to strengthen the muscles.) There is still pain in the whole shoulder after activity and I can feel the labrum catching, as I rotate and use the arm, randomly. Mostly when its tired. Once the catching and aching starts, it gets worse until I sit down and put a capsaicin patch on it.
My bowels have not changed much. If I stop taking laxatives I get plugged up and the laxative the doc wants me to take doesn't work well and makes me swell up painfully. Even with daily laxative assisted movement I feel full and a bit sick each morning for a couple hours. Often I can't even force myself to eat anything and even coffee (my favorite drug) makes me feel sick. I vomit every once in a while from this sick feeling.
I use a senna tea based laxative instead of the Miralax, as well as drinking a lot of water and eating a lot of fiber. Taking extra fiber also makes me swell and hurts as well as slowing digestive movement down. ? you got me and no doc understands this either. I'm guessing my insides are meant for me to be about half the size that I am. When I was smaller I never had these problems but I also felt very small and weak. Obesity another effect of CSA? OK thats mostly a joke.

Thank You all for your concern.

KT

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#342718 - 10/22/10 07:43 AM Re: Colonoscopy tomorrow [Re: kidneythis]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Kidney,

Heal well, my brother.

I too have gastronomic disorders, and they are uncomfortable at least, and socially unacceptable at best. wink I find that when I make SURE I do not overreact, overwhelm or overdo any situation that raises my blood pressure, that I breathe, I have less presenting symptoms.

Have you thought about psychosomatic responses as a condition of the physical responses? How is the daily stress? The recovery stress? It may hold some answers.

On another note, I am finding it strangely therapeutic to ask those who display over-the-top emotional distress to tell me what they are worried about. I was amazed at the response. I had a waitress actually grab a chair, sit down and tell me her life story. Afterwards, she stopped forgetting the drinks, the biscuits and the check, too bad she did not forget that, lol!

My best to you, kt,

Sam

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MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#342819 - 10/22/10 09:18 PM Re: Colonoscopy tomorrow [Re: SamV]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
thanks sam

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As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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