i fixed the link

you are not alone . this drives me up the wall and it will not go away no matter how hard i pray or no matter what i do to try to get it to go away . i look at it as my thorn in the flesh so to speak. it was brought on by having lots of sexual contact with other boys as a kid and my abuser.for an extended amount of time for 2 strait yrs of abuse daily. it makes me sick to my stomach because it is like reliving the abuse all over again, the mind flashing back and forth like that . ahhhhh . point is you are not alone at all it is normal if there is such a thing lol
welcome sorry you had to find this place but at least it is a place to help heal.

Interesting thought.

Gday Calv,

That's kinda how I feel a bit now too. I feel compelled a bit into it although I know its not a real organic attraction. I fucking hate it.

man,wow, I hate to admit this after over 25 years of marriage and 4 kids, but yes this "sucky" addiction has been a "thorn" for me too, It is like helpless addiction, the only way to stay free is to stay away from all possible traps. It is scary because of it's power. I try and hide it and then, oops, what was I looking at on the internet? how did that get there?? It is like I want to put myself in places where I may be abused (validated) again. A straight man with ssa addictions,(if it is something a person desires then it his choice, but to have it shoved down your throat against your will until you were forced to like it is another story entirely) My desires make me feel very vunerable and dirty.(and scream my fault,my fault) I hate the addictive and substance abusive side of this monster. Twelve step groups are good but there are trolls at some of them. It is best to get out of the parking lot first so no one can approach you in the dark. Especially at bigger city groups and especially at some types of groups, like the one I needed most but was the most afraid of. I want to be lovable not useable but some times I feel such a need to be used that I act against my self. I don't want to post this but I need to. This is the first time that i have not felt alone with this. I am so ashamed and embarassed for some of the things I have done. I was always called "a good little c........r and I don't want to be....Oh Gooooood this is so hard, what am I doing?? Sorry to be crazy, but it is crazy how hearing you guys suffer like me draws it out. I do feel somewhat safe here but I know it is open to the public so i will always stay hidden. It is the only way I can share. I hope all of you find peace and boundries. thank you so much for giving me more courage than I ever thought possible. There is freedom mixed in the fear of honesty. thank you, woundedowl

I posted today for the first time to "travlers-needing a mini group" and now here I am again......is this being Broken or Open? I am with you on the confusion....did what was expected, have the job, the wife of 20yrs, the kids etc. BUT<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< authentic, having never being able to share my inner self who could possibly know the whole me. I don't know myself, only after 40+ years of denial & secrecy have these walls shown signs of faultering. This caused by my refusal to simply keep "going on"....something has to give. I am emotionally exhausted & frustrated. I have all the symptoms & consequences of CSA and SSA is a part of it. Why now is it all coming to a head....I haven't figured out. I want to hurt as few people as possible but need resolve. I appreciate you brothers who have put yourselves out there honestly while I remain in the background.....thanks for your inspiration. woundedowl...this was to be about you, but became about me....Many thanks for courageousily posting.

Hi, my fraternal brothers.

Yes, it seems like we have to pass through hell all over again, trying to figure out just who are we?

What are we?

For me, after 36 years of an emotionless marriage (on my part),
two WoR's about 80 T sessions, I have found out, just who & what I am.

I, am gay. never was supposed to have been married in the first place. ZERO emotions for females. But tons for males, both sexually & non sexually.

I wish every one struggling with this question well. Lots of pain & confusion over it for sure.

I didn't know me until now.

Heal well, my fraternal brothers, heal well.

Pete..Irishmoose.

what are we? Who are we? Why are we? drifting in between worlds often not accepted in either as authentic, nor understood, forced to endure the hatred of those close, who unknowingly direct hate our way, not able to say, not able to be. I did all the right things only to have it keep crumbling before my eyes and now it all feels like a dead end trap where everyone is dangerous and i cannot escape. i have pulled away from most of the people i know. Friends press me and i have no answer, they do not understand what i cannot explain. So i hide from them instead. i don't like to tell them about the past or my present problems, they really don't want to know anyway. i understand your confusion and struggle, more fall out from the days of the past,i see no resolution to the situation in my life at this present time, and it is hard to find a definition for what i am???besides confused. i hope you find peace soon. woundedowl

this thread has had a major impact on me today, I am really struggling now...bigtime....it has made me realize some things about myself that are hard...and now I have to rethink some things that I am really getting confused about...I have tried to not look at this for so long....but it has helped me understand some things...i wish I did not understand them in this way...gee guess I will go cry now....guess it's not such a big deal to cry after all haha I hope I do not regret all of this later....but It has been such a long lonely struggle that I do not want to miss this chance at being understood, if just for one second, I hope I am not confusing things even more.....

My MS brother.....my wish for you is that the confusion & pain that you feel be the processing of emotions from times past,supressed at a time from when we were to young to acknowledge or understand..... required now before healing can begin to take their place & the tears, be tears of release. I am so sorry that you, like I, are having to travel this path of recovery. itrahan