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#329916 - 04/27/10 01:25 AM Feeling like everythings my fault
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Hey guys,
I came to a realization recently, I tend to take things that aren't my fault and in my mind turn them into my fault. If I have ANY connection to them, its likely my fault.

Example My stepfather asked me to find him a decent airfare for a last minute oneway from LA to NJ because I like travel and I do alot of the booking/research for stuff. Anyway I book him on Airtran. So he checks in 24 hours prior and it asks him if he would be interested in a first class upgrade, he says yes and it doesn't mention a cost and issues boarding passes for First Class. He's telling me how he got upgrade for free, etc. I'm thinking he's not a frequent flyer on this airline no way are they giving him a free upgrade. So I check his itinerary being that I have all his info cuz I booked it.

Turns out that he was charged for the upgrade and when he sees the charge on his credit card he's going to be angry. My first thought is that its my fault and I get all anxious. However its not my fault, I booked him on this airline cuz he needed a cheap last minute flight. I did not either fail to program the check-in website so it would show the amount it costs for an upgrade or fail to look closely at the website and question why I was getting this free upgrade.

But as usual first reaction is that it was my fault for recommending this airline. Hmm..I wonder where that came from. In any event I just wanted to make people aware that as survivors some of us do this and we need to step back from the situation and really see that we are not at fault

Jason

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#329924 - 04/27/10 02:33 AM Re: Feeling like everythings my fault [Re: onlyakid]
steveit712music Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 3
Loc: New Jersey
Hi,

Survivors have a habit of blaming everything that happens on themselves. I'm as guilty as others but you have to realize that your stepfather did not give you all the information and in his case if he neglects to be specific he can blame you for making the mistake.

Just don't take it. What you should say when he gets angry, and I know that this would be hard if not impossible for me to say is

"If you don't like what I did or how I did it, you should have booked it yourself"

All survivors MUST learn to not take abuse in any form. I believe that what your stepfather did to you was a setup for failure to begin with. And, surviors are ususally the first people to want to do things for others.

Believe in yourself and you will feel better. Do you have any counsuling planned or in process? If you don't, you should.

I'm 63 and just 3 years ago came out and told my family about my abuse as a child. I called the RAINN hotline and they set me up with help at local abuse center. They gave free counsling and then went to therapy both privatly and with the VA. Now I am a sexual abuse advocate for them as well. If you haven't recieved help you should do so.

Steve


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#329972 - 04/27/10 01:15 PM Re: Feeling like everythings my fault [Re: steveit712music]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Steve,
He won't be mad at me he'll be angry at the airline but it was me who is assigning blame to myself.

Jason

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#329986 - 04/27/10 04:00 PM Re: Feeling like everythings my fault [Re: onlyakid]
iciyapitate Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/22/10
Posts: 13
Loc: sandy, oregon
Jason,
I understand man, i set myself up all the time . If something isn't working right , or i do something for someone and it is not exactly what I think it should be i beat myself.
I am getting better at not putting the blame and not making up some kind of story that has not happened yet.
I started learning to say NO even to small things, just to learn boundries and not put myself in that situation.
good luck to you,

_________________________
Iciyapi Tate'

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#330020 - 04/27/10 08:58 PM Re: Feeling like everythings my fault [Re: iciyapitate]
G5 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/12/04
Posts: 203
Loc: New Jersey
Jason,

I actually believed (not anymore) that I was the cause of my younger brothers divorce.....and that I needed to fix their relationship.

This shit is crazy.....how it takes hold and has us think that we deserve the blame.

chris

_________________________
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#330026 - 04/27/10 10:07 PM Re: Feeling like everythings my fault [Re: G5]
Gus Bierer Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/16/05
Posts: 160
Jason

I understand what your going through and this is a direct result of being abused while we were children. Somehow we grow up with this shame and we think we are to blame for anything that goes wrong. I'm a 42 year old man and i still, what would you call it, take the blame for things i try to help people with.

It's part of the healing process for us to not take abuse anymore. This fear though... it's hard to overcome because we were programmed with taking the blame when we were children. I'm glad you wrote about this topic because i get this inferiority complex myself. I'm really glad we have a format like this where we can discuss our issues. These are our problems and together with suggestions we cam help each other out.


Gus

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My Story

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#330032 - 04/27/10 10:29 PM Re: Feeling like everythings my fault [Re: Gus Bierer]
Ischyros Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/10
Posts: 78
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
Guys, thanks for this thread. This is one of the survivor issues I struggle with brutally on a daily basis, especially at work. Feelings of inferiority, incompetence and being blameworthy (despite my education and career) have plagued me since childhood. It's completely obvious to me that they stem from my abuse history (including nonsexual but sometimes violent abuse from other kids while growing up). Therapy has helped... some. This stuff causes me a lot of fear and misery but it helps to know that I'm not alone!

_________________________
Proud survivor and WoR alumnus - Sequoia, April 2010

I want to live in the world
Not inside my head
I want to live in the world
I want to stand and be counted
With the hopeful and the willing
With the open and the strong...

--Jackson Browne, "Alive In the World"

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#330069 - 04/28/10 02:10 AM Re: Feeling like everythings my fault [Re: Ischyros]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
See if you can book him on Alaska Airlines next time, if they have any extra first class seats they will sell them at the boarding gate for fifty bucks. No, what happened isn't your fault Jason, no need to feel badly, if you want you could tell him while he still has a chance to make changes, but what has happened is his own doing, not yours. No sense saying that you are sorry when you have nothing to be sorry about.

Overcoming your shame then an improvement in your self-esteem and self-confidence will work wonders for the feeling that we are somehow at fault when we aren't. Keep up the good work, my man, and try to quit saying that you are sorry when you have nothing to be sorry about.

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#330488 - 05/01/10 06:41 PM Re: Feeling like everythings my fault [Re: Trucker51]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1962
Jason,

I do it all the time. I used to believe all the world's problems were my burden. My only chance at self-redemption was to solve all the world's problem. I'm pretty much serious here. Can you imagine, this world with all its problems (let's face it, there are tons)? And to shoulder the burden inside for all of them? Yeah, I totally get it. I also assign personal blame for more immediately relevant issues all the time. And I say sorry too much for stuff I am not at fault at. This goes *way* back. Seems to be getting better, but I can fully relate. If you have not already done so, and there is still time, I would talk to your step-dad about this so he can proactively deal with the airlines. Otherwise it is what it is and is not your fault.

Eric


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#330594 - 05/02/10 01:53 AM Re: Feeling like everythings my fault [Re: onlyakid]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
Jason,

I struggle with these issues as well. I appreciate you bringing it too light.

It can get exhausting but I just have to remind myself when I feel like I'm falling into that pattern, to just FUCKING STOP! JUST STOP!!!! and figure out if I'm really out fault. It's like I wanna apologize for our fucked up world or society.

Not my bleeping problem.

Charlie.


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