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#329711 - 04/25/10 07:24 PM hate being attracted to guys when I know I am not
02151964 Offline


Registered: 04/25/10
Posts: 7
Loc: Canada
new here today , does anybody have the same thoughts


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#329713 - 04/25/10 07:32 PM Re: hate being attracted to guys when I know I am not [Re: 02151964]
02151964 Offline


Registered: 04/25/10
Posts: 7
Loc: Canada
I just returned from a trip yesterday with my g/f of 7 years and three children,great time had by all she just dropped me off a copy of internet activity showing some thing she found, ,



Edited by 2151964 (05/02/10 01:58 PM)

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#329716 - 04/25/10 08:04 PM Re: hate being attracted to guys when I know I am not [Re: 02151964]
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 507
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
02151964,

First of all, welcome to MS. If you would like, you could post a brief introduction of yourself in the Introduction section, saying who you are and what lead you here to MaleSurvivor. It would give the guys here an idea of who you are, and give them the chance to welcome you.

Same Sex Attraction (SSA) is a common symptom of being sexually abused. You are not alone in having these feelings. Many straight men here have also come forward with this issue. My suggestion would be to search for "SSA" on this site and see what you can learn from others' stories.

Good luck. And welcome home. You are among brothers. smile

Your new friend,

Bobcat


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#329725 - 04/25/10 09:00 PM Re: hate being attracted to guys when I know I am not [Re: 02151964]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
hi brother, this is something we all share: it's called SSA or same sex attraction. you're not alone in this regard. if you are finding intrusive thoughts then there is definitely something to be examined there. we have a lot of guys who are trying to separate the difference between authentic gay orientation and guys who may be predominantly heterosexual, yet whose natural orientation may have been obscured due to having been sexually abused or assaulted.

hey, check out ken singers book, evicting the perpetrator. check it out here. he has a lot of chapters posted here on the website as well.:

here is just one example from his book

maybe this will inspire you to take proper steps toward healing from the effects of sexual abuse.

warm regards,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#329739 - 04/25/10 10:33 PM Re: hate being attracted to guys when I know I am not [Re: 02151964]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
Welcome to MS!

You are by no means alone with this experience. Many here have struggled with the same issue. Take some time to look around and get comfortable. You've made a good first step today. Well done!

Welcome again.

Jim

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

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#329799 - 04/26/10 10:28 AM Re: hate being attracted to guys when I know I am not [Re: Geeders]
Regs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/03/08
Posts: 149
Loc: Oklahoma
Welcome,

You are not alone. There are answers here.


Regs

_________________________
WoR Sequoia Alumni, April 2010

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#330008 - 04/27/10 07:41 PM Re: hate being attracted to guys when I know I am not [Re: Regs]
calv Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/27/10
Posts: 45
Loc: seattle


For me... it's more addiction than attraction !

_________________________
“When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something’s suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful.” Barbara Bloom

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#330023 - 04/27/10 09:07 PM Re: hate being attracted to guys when I know I am not [Re: calv]
02151964 Offline


Registered: 04/25/10
Posts: 7
Loc: Canada
YOU HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD


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#330103 - 04/28/10 12:30 PM Re: hate being attracted to guys when I know I am not [Re: 02151964]
Shaun The Sheep Offline


Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
Thanks for joining and participating - you are definitely not alone and I've found a lot of great support and feedback here. If you haven't sought out a therapist yet, I recommend finding one as this support group can't take the place of a qualified therapist (nor can a therapist take the place of this support group, I have learned).

MS and a therapist are two great tastes that go together - like a Reese's peanut butter cup - I'm being facetious of course but wanted to illustrate how best to get help.

People have only started to scratch the surface of how damaging CSA is and what it does over the long term. Survivors often are left with "it didn't really do anything to me and so there's nothing to do" and they don't seek help. You've made a great first step - let us know how to help you move forward.

Best,
~S


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#330106 - 04/28/10 02:34 PM Re: hate being attracted to guys when I know I am [Re: Sans Logos]
JustSurviving Offline


Registered: 04/22/10
Posts: 47
Loc: Hell
-------




Edited by JustSurviving (05/21/10 11:44 PM)

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#330111 - 04/28/10 03:06 PM Re: hate being attracted to guys when I know I am [Re: JustSurviving]
ModTeam Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/06
Posts: 691
i fixed the link cool

_________________________
Private messages sent to this account are checked irregularly due to personnel and time constraints. Please send messages to one of the moderators for the forum that is concerned by user name, or if there is no named moderator, send a PM to any moderator.

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#333391 - 06/09/10 07:00 PM Re: hate being attracted to guys when I know I am [Re: JustSurviving]
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 856
Loc: Kc,Mo
you are not alone . this drives me up the wall and it will not go away no matter how hard i pray or no matter what i do to try to get it to go away . i look at it as my thorn in the flesh so to speak. it was brought on by having lots of sexual contact with other boys as a kid and my abuser.for an extended amount of time for 2 strait yrs of abuse daily. it makes me sick to my stomach because it is like reliving the abuse all over again, the mind flashing back and forth like that . ahhhhh . point is you are not alone at all it is normal if there is such a thing lol
welcome sorry you had to find this place but at least it is a place to help heal.

_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-uYCAfpxrY
TRIGGER WARNING
Video of me telling my story
you are not alone never were
WRITTEN FORM
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=339159#Post339159
Why i hate Religion but love Jesus
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IAhDGYlpqY

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#333395 - 06/09/10 08:37 PM Re: hate being attracted to guys when I know I am [Re: nltsaved]
Kiev Offline


Registered: 05/25/10
Posts: 24
Loc: Georgia, USA, Ukraine
Interesting thought.


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#335012 - 07/01/10 08:12 AM Re: hate being attracted to guys when I know I am not [Re: calv]
traveller Offline


Registered: 09/30/09
Posts: 27
Loc: Sydney, Australia
Gday Calv,

That's kinda how I feel a bit now too. I feel compelled a bit into it although I know its not a real organic attraction. I fucking hate it.


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#335211 - 07/04/10 10:38 AM Re: hate being attracted to guys when I know I am not [Re: traveller]
woundedowl Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/10
Posts: 31
Loc: Coastal NC
man,wow, I hate to admit this after over 25 years of marriage and 4 kids, but yes this "sucky" addiction has been a "thorn" for me too, It is like helpless addiction, the only way to stay free is to stay away from all possible traps. It is scary because of it's power. I try and hide it and then, oops, what was I looking at on the internet? how did that get there?? It is like I want to put myself in places where I may be abused (validated) again. A straight man with ssa addictions,(if it is something a person desires then it his choice, but to have it shoved down your throat against your will until you were forced to like it is another story entirely) My desires make me feel very vunerable and dirty.(and scream my fault,my fault) I hate the addictive and substance abusive side of this monster. Twelve step groups are good but there are trolls at some of them. It is best to get out of the parking lot first so no one can approach you in the dark. Especially at bigger city groups and especially at some types of groups, like the one I needed most but was the most afraid of. I want to be lovable not useable but some times I feel such a need to be used that I act against my self. I don't want to post this but I need to. This is the first time that i have not felt alone with this. I am so ashamed and embarassed for some of the things I have done. I was always called "a good little c........r and I don't want to be....Oh Gooooood this is so hard, what am I doing?? Sorry to be crazy, but it is crazy how hearing you guys suffer like me draws it out. I do feel somewhat safe here but I know it is open to the public so i will always stay hidden. It is the only way I can share. I hope all of you find peace and boundries. thank you so much for giving me more courage than I ever thought possible. There is freedom mixed in the fear of honesty. thank you, woundedowl


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#335237 - 07/04/10 02:19 PM Re: hate being attracted to guys when I know I am not [Re: woundedowl]
itrahan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/02/10
Posts: 96
Loc: Louisiana, Gulf Coast
I posted today for the first time to "travlers-needing a mini group" and now here I am again......is this being Broken or Open? I am with you on the confusion....did what was expected, have the job, the wife of 20yrs, the kids etc. BUT<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< authentic, having never being able to share my inner self who could possibly know the whole me. I don't know myself, only after 40+ years of denial & secrecy have these walls shown signs of faultering. This caused by my refusal to simply keep "going on"....something has to give. I am emotionally exhausted & frustrated. I have all the symptoms & consequences of CSA and SSA is a part of it. Why now is it all coming to a head....I haven't figured out. I want to hurt as few people as possible but need resolve. I appreciate you brothers who have put yourselves out there honestly while I remain in the background.....thanks for your inspiration. woundedowl...this was to be about you, but became about me....Many thanks for courageousily posting.


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#335248 - 07/04/10 04:27 PM Re: hate being attracted to guys when I know I am not [Re: itrahan]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2453
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brothers.

Yes, it seems like we have to pass through hell all over again, trying to figure out just who are we?

What are we?

For me, after 36 years of an emotionless marriage (on my part),
two WoR's about 80 T sessions, I have found out, just who & what I am.

I, am gay. never was supposed to have been married in the first place. ZERO emotions for females. But tons for males, both sexually & non sexually.

I wish every one struggling with this question well. Lots of pain & confusion over it for sure.

I didn't know me until now.

Heal well, my fraternal brothers, heal well.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#335265 - 07/04/10 05:12 PM Re: hate being attracted to guys when I know I am not [Re: petercorbett]
woundedowl Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/10
Posts: 31
Loc: Coastal NC
what are we? Who are we? Why are we? drifting in between worlds often not accepted in either as authentic, nor understood, forced to endure the hatred of those close, who unknowingly direct hate our way, not able to say, not able to be. I did all the right things only to have it keep crumbling before my eyes and now it all feels like a dead end trap where everyone is dangerous and i cannot escape. i have pulled away from most of the people i know. Friends press me and i have no answer, they do not understand what i cannot explain. So i hide from them instead. i don't like to tell them about the past or my present problems, they really don't want to know anyway. i understand your confusion and struggle, more fall out from the days of the past,i see no resolution to the situation in my life at this present time, and it is hard to find a definition for what i am???besides confused. i hope you find peace soon. woundedowl



Edited by woundedowl (07/04/10 05:15 PM)

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#335289 - 07/04/10 08:13 PM Re: hate being attracted to guys when I know I am not [Re: 02151964]
woundedowl Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/10
Posts: 31
Loc: Coastal NC
this thread has had a major impact on me today, I am really struggling now...bigtime....it has made me realize some things about myself that are hard...and now I have to rethink some things that I am really getting confused about...I have tried to not look at this for so long....but it has helped me understand some things...i wish I did not understand them in this way...gee guess I will go cry now....guess it's not such a big deal to cry after all haha I hope I do not regret all of this later....but It has been such a long lonely struggle that I do not want to miss this chance at being understood, if just for one second, I hope I am not confusing things even more.....


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#335293 - 07/04/10 08:58 PM Re: hate being attracted to guys when I know I am not [Re: woundedowl]
itrahan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/02/10
Posts: 96
Loc: Louisiana, Gulf Coast
My MS brother.....my wish for you is that the confusion & pain that you feel be the processing of emotions from times past,supressed at a time from when we were to young to acknowledge or understand..... required now before healing can begin to take their place & the tears, be tears of release. I am so sorry that you, like I, are having to travel this path of recovery. itrahan


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#335346 - 07/05/10 03:14 PM Re: hate being attracted to guys when I know I am not [Re: itrahan]
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
well confusion was my life too

it took a long time to find out who I was

partly due to finding someone who loved me

partly due to just being ok with who I am

there are no one right answer to what to do

when we are abused, and Owl I hope u r doing ok

Michael joseph

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#335349 - 07/05/10 03:33 PM Re: hate being attracted to guys when I know I am not [Re: michael Joseph]
woundedowl Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/10
Posts: 31
Loc: Coastal NC
Yes, I am fine but this does make me look at some issues in my life for what they are, and admiting things is hard. I keep trying to believe certain things about how it affected me are not true and they keep coming back true and it is a dilemna for now. I know I will work it out but self denial is strong and it does not like being messed with. So I argue it out with myself and try and make sense of what to do with it in light of a lot of different aspects of life. thanks


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#335362 - 07/05/10 09:27 PM Re: hate being attracted to guys when I know I am not [Re: woundedowl]
Zan72 Offline


Registered: 07/01/10
Posts: 24
I can totally relate. I just decided to accept that I'm attracted to guys and stop fighting it. It was emotionally draining to keep fighting it. I like girls as well, but very much attracted to guys. Don't know if I would ever date or be in a relationship with one though.

_________________________
*The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

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#335928 - 07/13/10 10:16 AM Re: hate being attracted to guys when I know I am [Re: JustSurviving]
learning2remember Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 289
Loc: Europe
Last weekend I was having sex with my wife, something I used to wish would happen more often. Problem was, although I was aroused, something felt wrong, and I couldn't reach orgasm. I felt like I was letting her down. I fantasized about giving my brother oral sex (part of my story of abuse), and was able to have an orgasm. I felt sick at many levels afterward. It felt like I was agreeing to incestuous abuse, which somehow made it feel like it wasn't abuse then. It also felt like I was cheating on my wife. Finally, it felt anything but straight, which is what most of the time I'm sure I am. I know that SSA can be common among survivors, and that knowing that sometimes helps and sometimes doesn't. You're not alone, is all I'm trying to say. And if you hate the SSA, you're not alone in that either.

_________________________
"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy

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#335958 - 07/13/10 03:50 PM Re: hate being attracted to guys when I know I am [Re: learning2remember]
Dogs&Gods Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/22/10
Posts: 49
Loc: The Mighty Mitten
DO I Hate the SSA yes I did at one time but then I started hating myself to. This lead to depression, and thoughts of just leave your wife to set her free and be gay.
I do not believe that I am gay I do have fantacies about men yes I do use those fantacies to help me reach orgasim with my wife at times. I have accepted that my fantacies do not hurt anyone, they are mine.
Turning 39 is the attraction a mid-life crisis is the fantacy just reliving what we were expected to do, I do not know.
As a child I let others use and hurt me, that is OK I was a child. As an adult I can not let my thoughts and memories hurt me as an adult. I have kids that depend on me and a wife that loves me. Looking back will only cause pain...
I look to the future with thoughts of good things to come, I my hope that we can all have those good thoughts.

_________________________
Remember Dog is God spelled backwards: The dogs in my life were the first ones to hear my pain and lick away my tears.

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#335979 - 07/14/10 12:33 AM Re: hate being attracted to guys when I know I am [Re: Dogs&Gods]
lgdan84 Offline


Registered: 07/11/10
Posts: 29
Loc: California
When i was from the of 5-im guessing 8 i was sexually abused by my babysitters oldest son who was a year older than me. the first encounter i can remember was at my own house in the bedroom where he started to do and ask sexual things from me. there was no intercourse but a lot of fondling and some oral. my mom and his mom eventually caught us in the act and put a stop to it, though i was never taken aside by my mom and told what had happened. the next few times that this had happened where at his house after school when i waited for my mom to pick me up. this time no one interupted the act and i never said anything to my mom about it. I hated being there and felt scared.

We later moved to a new city after my 3rd grade year. this is where i made new friends and left all that behind. i can remember my 4th grade year at this new school and having the biggest crush on this girl in my class. In 5th grade my dad almost attempted suicide but thank god did not follow through with it although at times i feel that is an option for myself in all this mental caos. i love him very much. my mom has always "worn the pants" in their relationship so i didnt have a very masculine figure in my life. This leaves me to believe why i dont feel very masculine when people around me say im a big dude and would be intimidated by me, i feel otherwise.

Jr. High is when i started to look at porn, my friends dad had mags and we would look at them. after being exposed to this i would masterbate a lot. and sometimes with my best friend we would masterbate at the same computer together. one sleepover at his house he fondled me and we touched each other and i dont know why i didnt stop it (i think it was because that was all i knew from earlier abuse). i had asked him to do oral and thats when it all stopped (again thats all i had experienced from earlier abuse and thought thats what i had to do).

Now in high school i can always remember getting erections in class from looking at girls bodies and not wanting to get out of my seat when the bell rang. i would masterbate to straight porn all the time (i have seen gay porn but i am not interested in it). i joined the water polo team cause i broke my collarbone and couldnt play football. i would occationally look at the guys "packages" and remember thinking am i gay because of that? never was i aroused by it but i have always questioned the fact. i always envied guys who would get the girls and thinking how can i be like that. i was always afraid of meeting girls and if one liked me i didnt know how to act or what to say. i can remember right before my first kiss with a girl another one of my good friends showed me how to kiss. him and i kissed for a brief moment, for some reason it felt comfortable (but again i didnt get aroused by this, and i think it was from the previous abuse, but it was kinda fun).

Now in college and always being against drugs i started to smoke weed a lot with my new college friends and got addicted to it. I also now had had my first sexual experience with a girl but she was shared between me and my best friend. it felt amazing but i never got to "finish" because she got sore (sloppy seconds). A little later i finally got to have sex with a girl one on one and again it was fun, exciting, and amazing, all the pipes worked. Now that im 25 and still in college with no real focus. I have had sex with 5 girls now. all of which were one night stands. except the 5th girl who i had sex with a couple times after i met her. i was affraid to get into a relationship with her and ended up cutting her off. to this day i have never been in a relationship with a girl. Afraid, scared, confused of how to act and what to say for them to like me. i have been told by many people of how charming and good looking i am and that any girl would love to be with me. But i feel completely otherwise, i have very low self esteem. very self conscious, i masterbate up to 3 times a day to straight porn and work out every day maybe to help with being self conscious and also still have feelings of SSA (does that make me gay? Growing up i was taught that sex was a bad thing and i think thats why im not at all aggressive to get it. It feels weird when i talk about doing sexual things to girls. Ive built up a wall/barrier and i dont trust people at all.

My situation now is, a year ago i did some shrooms with my best friend (who i explained about earlier) and my college friend who i would say now is also a very close friend to me. during the trip my best friend said something and it triggered all those feelings of SSA and of my CSA. we started to look at each other in a funny way as if he knew something about me, like i was gay or something. i got numb all over and started to sweat profusely. i felt like i had to tell them i was gay cause thats how he was looking at me. i told them i was attracted to men sometimes but i also like women. my college friend told me life is like a rollercoaster with ups and downs. it has always now been really weird being around my best friend and we cant look each other in the eye when we talk and he also looks like hes about to hurl. i think he said something to my sister cause she acts very weird around me now too like she knows something, which now i dont feel home as a sanctuary anymore. i have been pondering the idea am i gay? i got a girls number the other night but i am afraid to call and hang out with her. I hung out with a girl last night and felt confused, didnt know how to act, or what to say and couldnt get the SSA and am i gay off of my mind. but later that night i did masterbate and got off to looking at nude pics of girls. i cant concentrate at work, i have a short attention span when talking to people because i keep thinking about it. its driving me up a wall, i dont wanna talk to or hang out with my best friend since the 4th grade. i confine myself to my room and only come out when my sister isnt around. i dont care about myself and would not care if i died tomorrow (cause this would all go away). I want a relationship with a woman so badly just to show people im not gay. but im afraid and scared to be in one so i cant commit myself. I hate these feelings of SSA and am i Gay? and why did i have to be a victim in CSA. I am VERY depressed right now and this has led me to finally do some research on this whole SSA, am i Gay, and the CSA. Also i am trying to get in touch with a T. this site has been helping me cope with this, now knowing im not the only one.



Edited by lgdan84 (07/14/10 01:00 AM)

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#336049 - 07/14/10 03:20 PM Re: hate being attracted to guys when I know I am [Re: lgdan84]
woundedowl Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/10
Posts: 31
Loc: Coastal NC
Wow this is the issue. I used to feel alone with this, not any more! I hate using fantaises to complete with my wife. Sometimes we do it and I cannot finish anyway. Oh well. Wrestling with this for years was harder than coming to grips with the truth. Dealing with the desire is another thing. I agree that hating the SSA can equate to self hatred. Accepting and embracing the truth about myself is making it eaiser to deal with. I talked to my wife and explained where I was at this time and some difficult memories that I have been struggling with and she was so sweet to me. There has been some bitterness about my issues but she was understanding and she cried when I told her about how I figured out a question I had been wrestling with that confirmed the daily nature of the abuse for over 9 years. It is pending in the my story section and I wrote a poem about it. It is an agonizing relief to figure this out.
I accept myself with SSAs and I feel more me than I have in a long time. Being who you are is just about being who you are. If others cannot accept this it changes nothing but being real is the only real choice.
I thank all of you here for helping me get to this point. I cannot define myself per-say. But I am making some progress which is good. thanks gang, owl


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#337521 - 08/03/10 10:07 AM Re: hate being attracted to guys when I know I am [Re: woundedowl]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 695
I've never had thoughts about this, haven't fantasized either, but a lot was said that (embarrassingly) made sense to me. I'm here because I had a very short row with my wife last night, and I posted it in the "Survivors of Female Abuse" forum. I got a response from Irishmoose where he heard from his wife something mine had said too: "go marry a man then". I've been fearful of this forum because I feared I would be gay (or wonder "if") if I ever entered.

I'm writing also because something Wounded said resonated with me: "It is like I want to put myself in places where I may be abused (validated) again." My post last night was a declaration that I needed to be VALIDATED as a man, like a man, by a man.

Could I be getting my old abuse messages confused with my needs for male validation? Or am I (maybe) seeking what "normal" validation was to me, which was in a abusive relationship? This is a little scary to me, but I've got to ask this.

I don't think I'm alone. I hope I'm not. I'll take any suggestions regarding re-posting this elsewhere (or not). But this subject, actually talking about it, is FREEING. Shame has had its hold on me for too long. This is liberating.



Edited by fhorns (08/03/10 11:08 AM)

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#337530 - 08/03/10 12:28 PM Re: hate being attracted to guys when I know I am [Re: fhorns]
Shaun The Sheep Offline


Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
*



Edited by Shaun The Sheep (04/01/11 11:26 AM)

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#337534 - 08/03/10 12:56 PM Re: hate being attracted to guys when I know I am [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 695
Shaun, regarding that, I read somewhere in here that in Ken Singer's "Evicting the Perpetrator" addresses this a lot. I remember it being stated he has posted a lot of it here at MS. I'll contact Ken myself, but if you guys have any links, I'd appreciate them. Thank you.

I'll be fair and share what I find.

EDIT: I PM'd Ken, and he replied he didn't post much about the book while writing it. He didn't have memory of things I'd thought he'd written, so I was misinformed about this. Sorry


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#337585 - 08/03/10 10:20 PM Re: hate being attracted to guys when I know I am [Re: fhorns]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: fhorns
I've never had thoughts about this, haven't fantasized either, but a lot was said that (embarrassingly) made sense to me. I'm here because I had a very short row with my wife last night, and I posted it in the "Survivors of Female Abuse" forum. I got a response from Irishmoose where he heard from his wife something mine had said too: "go marry a man then". I've been fearful of this forum because I feared I would be gay (or wonder "if") if I ever entered.

I just read your other post and responded to it. I did discuss this idea of validation. And no I don't think wives can do it. To me, guys can't do it either. Maybe it's because I'm a musician. I get "validated" when the music comes out OK. But I think that's how life is.
Originally Posted By: fhorns

I'm writing also because something Wounded said resonated with me: "It is like I want to put myself in places where I may be abused (validated) again." My post last night was a declaration that I needed to be VALIDATED as a man, like a man, by a man.

You never got validated as a boy. Neither did I. Neither did most of us. Maybe that's what I'm doing now. I'm responding to your thoughts and your emotions and in doing so I'm validating them.
Originally Posted By: fhorns

Could I be getting my old abuse messages confused with my needs for male validation? Or am I (maybe) seeking what "normal" validation was to me, which was in a abusive relationship? This is a little scary to me, but I've got to ask this.

YES YES YES That is what you are doing. You said it. Write this out and put it up on your mirror or somewhere where you can see it every morning.
Originally Posted By: fhorns

I don't think I'm alone. I hope I'm not. I'll take any suggestions regarding re-posting this elsewhere (or not). But this subject, actually talking about it, is FREEING. Shame has had its hold on me for too long. This is liberating.

No you're definitely not alone. There are lots of us here who are in the same boat.

Yes get all the old dirty laundry out and we'll wash it and hang it out to dry.

Sorry if this was abrasive.

Allen

pufferfish


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#337741 - 08/05/10 10:59 PM Re: hate being attracted to guys when I know I am not [Re: 02151964]
Giacomo Offline


Registered: 04/18/10
Posts: 4
I have appreciated the total candor and honesty in this train of thought. I too "hate" the same sex attraction, and have addressed it in therapy for a long time. It really came to the forefront only 3 months ago when the childhood sexual abuse became apparent through flashbacks. It's been 3 difficult months, but the CSA has opened the proverbial Pandora's Box for me. The same sex attraction has eased a bit. Before the flashbacks, with years of therapy, I had really come to term myself bisexual. I knew that some of the attraction came from childhood (weak father, domineering mother, etc.). But it was the abuse that really was the crystalzing moment. The time of life was horrible, as related to the other events going on in family at that time. Sadly, I have come to realize that a lot of my behavoir was taught to me. Rather some of the ways I react to triggers, are mimicking the ways that the FAMILY MEMBERS reacted to the abuse. I looked and learned. So, yes, a lot of my confusion and programmed attractions are related to shame and reactions that were there all those many, many years ago. Sorry if this is rambling, but felt that it would help to ventilate a bit. My point, initially, was to say THANKS to all who have posted on this topic. Of late, life has been HARD, even DAMNED HARD, because with thearphy of late I have been digging deeper into my past than ever before in my life. I am on meds now given by psychiatrist to help me cope (effexor). It works fairly well, but of late the emotionaly intensity of unpacking the past has hurt a lot. But, I find somewhat bitter sweet as well, buecause while hurting, it is also liberating. It has exhausted me so much of late that I have to sleep more, and find more recreation. I have made several steps forward, with great joy over the past several months. I am now realizing that sometimes the journey is filled with a few steps back as well. Thanks for letting me ventilate. Thanks for this topic of discussion.


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#337757 - 08/06/10 09:02 AM Re: hate being attracted to guys when I know I am not [Re: Giacomo]
Justafarmer Offline


Registered: 08/03/10
Posts: 27
Loc: CO
Yep, I too hate the same sex attraction part of my life. After a lot of thinking I have come to realize the very first sexual experience is imprinted on the inner soul of our being.

Ssa is like a tatoo that can never be erased. A tatoo hidden under the shirt is unseen, but it is real none the less. It can fade and not be the strong presence in our lives that it once was, but at this point in my life I am not sure it will ever fade completely.

DO any of you other guys try to or have fantasies of recreating the the abuse over and over; in action or in masturbation fantasies? Or being the one in control? I have realize I am trying to recreate the past to hide the pain of the past.


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#337759 - 08/06/10 09:19 AM Re: hate being attracted to guys when I know I am not [Re: Justafarmer]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Justafarmer,


Originally Posted By: justafarmer

DO any of you other guys try to or have fantasies of recreating the the abuse over and over; in action or in masturbation fantasies? Or being the one in control? I have realize I am trying to recreate the past to hide the pain of the past.


This is one of the most common things we have all experienced post-abuse in the many discussions I've had with other male survivors. I think it does take great control to not go there either intentionally or in the form of unwanted intruding thoughts. There is a therapy trick I heard about some years ago which does seem to help with lots of time and sticktoitiveness. One develops a simple blocking device like a stop sign or simply no or one that has a few more words but really has helped me with various things is "I don't have to do that" and simply put it right in the front most part of your mind when the thoughts intrude or suddenly flash in there.

There are so many reasons why the mind goes to something we hate when it has to do with abuse and it coming up in the moments you describe. Another survivor and I hit upon the realization that for complex reasons we both had retained the perp lies in our heads that finally after abusive, neglectful families, our abusers were the ones who really cared for us, showed us love and would protect us from harm. Not quite right as it turns out, but in distressed times it seems we both would go there in our ms fantasies for reasons which now seem obvious while we thought we were sick for going to that place.

This is difficult shit man! Good luck and all the best.

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#337768 - 08/06/10 12:38 PM Re: hate being attracted to guys when I know I am not [Re: sono]
Justafarmer Offline


Registered: 08/03/10
Posts: 27
Loc: CO
Thanks, sono,

I know all the information from what I have read, talking to others, and what I know is the truth. BUT, i have to hear and need to hear it from another man. Thank you.

I like the idea of the stop sign. I can relate to that. Though I live in the country and run a lot of stop signs as there is no traffic for miles around. May have to re-orientate the thinking for that to work.

You are right this is difficult shit. Thanks

Greg


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