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#329558 - 04/24/10 05:44 AM Does ssa feelings ever go away ?
james 1959 Offline


Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 287
Having come throught many years of hell not realy knowing who i was and fighting with my self about ssa i was wondering during the recovery period do these feeling for ssa leave you or do you simply have to live and deal with the fealing for ssa. To date my feeling have died down alot i would like to hear from other guys like my self how they have dealt and lived with ssa

Thanks James

_________________________
We are brothers on a journey,and companions on the road
We are here to help each other share the burden and the Load

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#329566 - 04/24/10 07:54 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
James,

For me the answer is yes. I caught a lot of abuse as a child and my mother and father were both goofed up. This led to a lot of quandary as to my own feelings.

But yes, with a lot of counseling and not acting on those feelings, the ssa is down to 5% or so. At this point I feel attraction to female features but I'm too old to run with it.

Allen

pufferfish whistle


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#329832 - 04/26/10 02:54 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: pufferfish]
Shaun The Sheep Offline


Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
*



Edited by Shaun The Sheep (04/01/11 11:32 AM)

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#329840 - 04/26/10 03:28 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16268
I won't begin to prescribe or proscribe a course of action for others but for me the SSA became a non issue when I decided to just quit worrying about it. I did that for decades and all I got out of it was shame. Figured I'd try another approach. (see my sig line below)

Do I find myself attracted to guys? Some, but so what? Besides, I've discovers it's the fantasy of the mind that is so appealing to me. I don't find myself jonesin' for my friends and it doesn't mean I have to destroy my family to "try it out" what it's like. At this point in my life I have family and other relationships that I treasure and I prefer to not make a mess of that.

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#329851 - 04/26/10 05:14 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: WalkingSouth]
Shaun The Sheep Offline


Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
Hear hear ...


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#329862 - 04/26/10 07:19 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
brother2none Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/30/09
Posts: 267
Loc: Undisclosed
I'm a year into recovery. For me, I still find some guys attractive but the sexual arousal and fantasy parts are gone. This has been a huge surprise for me. I thought I'd always be sexually aroused by same sex. I was abused at 7 and then at 14-20 so feeling the ssa was what I always knew from the beginning of puberty. I'm married and my wife and I are enjoying each other better than ever.


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#329980 - 04/27/10 03:12 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: pufferfish]
james 1959 Offline


Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 287
Your reply gives me good hope and encouragement for the furture pufferfish thanks for your comments

James



Edited by james 1959 (04/27/10 03:14 PM)
_________________________
We are brothers on a journey,and companions on the road
We are here to help each other share the burden and the Load

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#330160 - 04/29/10 12:48 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 866
Loc: washington
James...

when I think about stuff like this it leads me into this crazy questioning loop...which in the end makes me feel rather psychotic...

I feel that there is possible wisdom in accepting the fact that I don't have to have and perhaps will never have all the answers...

This leads me to pomosexuality...(labels are for soup cans type of thinking)...and moves me away from shame based...rather liberating don't you think...???


My Carousel (Finger Eleven) ~or~ Love The One You're With (Crosby, Stills & Nash)

island




_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#333306 - 06/08/10 05:57 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
TW16 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 06/11/09
Posts: 173
Loc: Utah
I too have ssa. To be honest, I don't think ssa feeling will ever go away. I think they can become less intense and not very noticeable at times, but I don't think they completely go away.

There have been times where my ssa has been extremely overwhelming, and then there have been times where I barely even notice that I have them, (but I never notice any feelings for womn.)

Anyway, that's what I think.

TW16


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#333336 - 06/09/10 12:15 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: TW16]
ryan_a Offline


Registered: 06/05/10
Posts: 7
I think we are all a little too hard on ourselves. Everyone has some perception of what "hot" is. All of my non-abused friends would be able to say what guys are better looking than others. I mean I am attracted to women all the time, it doesn't mean that it has to be sexual. I would agree that we might allow our looks to linger a bit more, but that is just because our abuse has caused us to be hyper-sexual. I have no problem admitting that I find an athletic guy to be good looking. He is "my type." Why does that have to go away? It isn't like we are trolling behind them trying to get a look down their pants or smell them. So you look, so what? So an image is in your head sometimes during sex with a woman, so what? Why is it some deep dark secret of which we must be ashamed? I say just go with it and be happy. As long as your action fit your life, obligations, and comfort level...don't worry so much about your fantasies. It is true that I may look at a certain type of guy for a minute, but I also think Beyonce' is hot as hell. Maybe we just have the best of both worlds. But that might just be my optimism.


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#344239 - 11/05/10 06:47 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: WalkingSouth]
Cres Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/28/06
Posts: 6
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: WalkingSouth
I won't begin to prescribe or proscribe a course of action for others but for me the SSA became a non issue when I decided to just quit worrying about it. I did that for decades and all I got out of it was shame. Figured I'd try another approach. (see my sig line below)

Do I find myself attracted to guys? Some, but so what? Besides, I've discovers it's the fantasy of the mind that is so appealing to me. I don't find myself jonesin' for my friends and it doesn't mean I have to destroy my family to "try it out" what it's like. At this point in my life I have family and other relationships that I treasure and I prefer to not make a mess of that.


Walking South, did you have to explore your SSA with another man before you came to having peace with it or were you able to reach this state by just letting it go?

_________________________
Cres

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#346490 - 11/29/10 12:53 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: ryan_a]
Nas Offline


Registered: 11/22/10
Posts: 18
Loc: NJ
I am sure that i am attracted to women and have only dated women in the past, but I must admit that I have a real struggle with ssa. I am currently having a strong ssa with a co-worker, I am a man of faith and I have prayed hard and tried to do some mental exercise to try and change my way of thinking but if seems to becoming a trying and difficult thing to change. It is the thing for me that get's in the way of me having a relationship, it also very difficult because I have no one to talk to about this and it cause me to be depressed


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#346497 - 11/29/10 07:00 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: Nas]
Nas Offline


Registered: 11/22/10
Posts: 18
Loc: NJ
I also just want to thank all of you for talking about ssa, it is such a help to me to know that I am not alone in this struggle,in all the many years I have only talked to one other person about my struggle with ssa Thanks guys


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#346508 - 11/29/10 08:37 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: Nas]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
As i work through my abuse and learn to share shame that keeps me small, I
see my attraction to other males in a clearer light. (note: as a recovering sex addict I acted out sexually and compulsively with men for years before I got honest and found help. I consider my acting out a symptom of csa. Csa initiated me into sexual contact with males and shut me down emotionally-so part of my was always trapped as a nine year old with an absent father, longing for affirmationmand approval of men, and for me a desire to be in control sexually with male partners.

So when I live life with honesty, have healhy male fellowship, admit my issues with brothers in my program and sponsor, I end up with affirmation, approval, and a degree of control in my life. The SSA goes away. When I take care of my body I don't seek masculinity thru sex-i honor my self.

Seeing Others and connecting with them as people-not sexual objects to be used and discarded-helps too.

Namaste

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#346512 - 11/29/10 08:42 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: Mountainous Buck]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
MB,

You da man. You have the answers. I need to think and meditate on this one.

I have failed to deal with my ssa? I am so inadequate in dealing with them.

I admit I have them less and less and NEVER knew the love of a good woman.

I am glad you all write here.

Donnie

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#346513 - 11/29/10 08:49 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: Avery46]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
This is my actual experience.

Wait til we discuss how our mothers made us fear and loathe women!

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#346644 - 11/30/10 08:50 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: Mountainous Buck]
CheerfulJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/10
Posts: 149
Loc: England (at the moment)
SSA down to 2% maybe 1% if not less. Once i saw it for what it was 'sexualised longing for friendship, intimacy, etc', it lost most of its power. Recognising a 'template' boy that all others were compared to, and smashing that idol....it's shrinking even faster. Major issue for years. Still dealing with depression and doormat-ism etc.

lots of love
CJ

PS I still think it's a bloody great miracle that i'm happily married with children!

_________________________
Wolves will live with lambs. Leopards will lie down with goats. Calves, young lions, and year-old lambs will be together, and little children will lead them.

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#346751 - 12/01/10 12:58 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: CheerfulJohn]
gettingalong Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/21/07
Posts: 42
Thanks for bringing this subject up Cres. I don't know if it's the anti-anxiety meds or working through this lately, but my ssa has decreased in the past couple months. It seems as I'm truly seeking a more intimate relationship with my wife, although difficult some days, the ssa is taking a back seat. I've also been experiencing some moments when I'm NOT passive and just allow others to control me...so there is hope! Lots of it.

Keep on keepin on.

I'm with Cheerful John! It's a miracle I am married with children too.


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#346756 - 12/01/10 01:52 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: Mountainous Buck]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Mountainous Buck

Wait til we discuss how our mothers made us fear and loathe women!


I am waiting....hehehehehe

I agree with MB about the ssa going away.

Sincerely, I am learning and growing.

I am so enjoying hearing all of you.

Donnie

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#346814 - 12/01/10 10:05 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: Avery46]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Ok, I'll bite on the mother question.

Early in therapy for sex addiction, my T asked a lot of questions about my family background, sexual messaging growing up, etc. ALOT of questions that irritated me.

At the next session, my wife was present and my T says he thinks I was taught to be "heterophobic"!

Looking back, I can recite a laundry list of incidents where I was shamed out of sexual feelings towards heterosexual sex. Male sexuality was just not welcome around the women in my family, and I adopted those beliefs that "men are dogs", women think "sex is disgusting", making out with a girl was "inappropriate", etc. etc.

All those early beliefs and experiences I had to vomit up out of my deep inside self-those were not MINE. They belonged to others in my family and I needed to make room for my own authentic sexuality without other's imposed beliefs, shame, or hang-ups.

Gradually my body without these ideas and beliefs, and WITHOUT resorting to sex (porn, Ma*(*bation, etc.) - my body began to wake up to a new authentic, physical and integral sexuality.

Only by abstaining for a period of intense self-examination and reflection on my sexual history and origins did this happen.

Funny enough, the csa piece remained suppressed until several years later when my perp died and my father had passed-I think family loyalty and a deep feeling of un-safety kept the csa piece buried until I was strong and free enough to face it.

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#347491 - 12/08/10 03:08 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: CheerfulJohn]
Patrick Walsh Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/08
Posts: 22
Loc: PA
Cheerful john,

Template boy sounds interesting. What do you mean by that and how did it help

I'm interested

Thanks Pat now

_________________________
I'm a good person. I'm a good man. I'm a postive force and I will not be shamed.

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#347492 - 12/08/10 03:15 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: CheerfulJohn]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: CheerfulJohn
PS I still think it's a bloody great miracle that i'm happily married with children!


I am happy for you John.

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#347493 - 12/08/10 03:29 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: Mountainous Buck]
Patrick Walsh Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/08
Posts: 22
Loc: PA
Hey guys,

Lots to think about. I usually acted out my SSA in gay porn. VEry specific. Always masculine. Never twiniks. I'm 50 and married. And happily so. The guilt though has been hurtful and teh shame that somehow I'm broken. But i've been reading that this is a defense to overpower the male perp and give ma a feeling of strength. I did act out, but that was years ago and hurt my wife deeply. IF you an avoid, please do.

I don't believe the porn is a long term solution. And I do agree that healthy relationships with a wide variety of men is especailly helping me to see myself differently.

If I let go of the shameful image of myself, what would I replace it with? A healthy one. With Mast for pleasure, not power. and intimacy with my wife.

I tned to agree the more I move away from porn, and just either have fantasies or not. It doens't really matter. It just it. It's doesnt' have to be fixed. It just is. My reaction to it? I would like it to be "non event".


Also, I haven't thought of the hypocrisy of women who talk about men, but think its' so wrong if men do it. I grew up in a household like that. But, I didn't think about it. It was supporting women who were oppressed by men. Just like me. I didn't realize it could be shaming me. From both sides. From men and from women. WOW.

I'ts thorny. But I appreciate the opinions and have learned a lot. I hope to get to the it doesn't matter point. We're all OKAY just the way we are.

_________________________
I'm a good person. I'm a good man. I'm a postive force and I will not be shamed.

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#348408 - 12/17/10 08:56 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: Patrick Walsh]
CheerfulJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/10
Posts: 149
Loc: England (at the moment)
Not sure how it works but It was absolutely sealed in my mind from a boy who was an onlooker while another boy initiated me through a 'minor' ceremony. All those who seemed to queue up to do stuff to me throughout school and beyond were compared to him even though I was unaware of this until many years later.

Those who looked like him held me captive even when totally ignorant of my existence.

Recognizing it, seeing envy as the root, and seeing that he wronged me even though he was just a spectator finally broke it about 4 years ago.

It maybe that I somehow disassociated 'onto him' somehow?

The boy who did the speaking and actions resembles all those who abused me from 10 to 19.

Sorry for such a slow reply.

Blessings
CJ

_________________________
Wolves will live with lambs. Leopards will lie down with goats. Calves, young lions, and year-old lambs will be together, and little children will lead them.

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#354344 - 02/21/11 02:22 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: ryan_a]
alanhoops Offline


Registered: 02/21/11
Posts: 21
I think there are triggers that can come up at any time to make me aroused about some guy. I might then fantasize a lot about the guy. Then I feel guilty and confused. But when I realize that the fantasy is about being dominated or used or even abused I remind myself that it is not homosexuality as much as it is abuse and wanting to please a man so he'll like me or won't hurt me. I like what Ryan says about being too hard on ourselves.


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#354406 - 02/21/11 11:49 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: alanhoops]
Shaun The Sheep Offline


Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
********************



Edited by Shaun The Sheep (04/01/11 11:16 AM)

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#354532 - 02/22/11 11:39 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
brother2none Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/30/09
Posts: 267
Loc: Undisclosed
Juni told me once, early in my being here at MS, something about the same sex attraction for us was really a relational problem, and it took me some time to process what this meant. I had come to view the natural desire for male companionship, friendship, as the same as sexual desire because of being abused at early ages. then again at 13-14. its what i knew. and as i learned how to gain acceptance through sexual activity, it deepened the relational connection i felt between me and men i was attracted to. in essence ,it was a way i was relating to adult males. and once that was recognized for what it is, then i could address it as false. it does lessen dramatically.


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#354748 - 02/24/11 08:12 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
TW16 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 06/11/09
Posts: 173
Loc: Utah
I have had ssa since I can remember, and I don't remember the feelings ever going away; however, they have become less intense. I have come to the point that I have accepted the feelings, but I am trying to not act on them.

TW


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#354977 - 02/26/11 09:03 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: ryan_a]
devon0 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/07/00
Posts: 45
Loc: TX, USA
Ryan_a - "Why is it some deep dark secret of which we must be ashamed? I say just go with it and be happy. "

Excellent point! Thanks for that.

_________________________
A life worth living.

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#355241 - 03/01/11 12:35 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: devon0]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
After a few more months have passed since posting in this thread AND closing in on 4 years of CSA therapy, I can say with confidence and joy my gayness/ssa has NOT gone away.

I believe all of us can be gay or straight or bi-sexual. I also believe that we can have attractions to others without any cauuse or reason.

As I find "joy" in my own self then I am finding joy in my sexuality.

Hopefully months/weeks ago, I did NOT upset anyone by what I said.

Donnie

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#355644 - 03/05/11 02:44 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
Rusty563 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/11
Posts: 209
Loc: Anywhere, USA
My last ssa experience was when I was 17 with a catholic priest (what a way to end screwing men, right?). But I've kept the fantasies alive (not about that bastard) for 40 years and whenever i'm feeling self-distructive i look at gay porn on the internet.

Here's the kicker - i've been married since 1983 and have remained faithful to my wife but my attraction to men has always been very strong. Sometimes I've though i was just bi. My psychiatrist says I never was gay even though I thought I was.

Anyway, I my hope, my dream, is that as I continue on with my recovery (which I've just begun)the attraction will deminish and one day go away.

You have my deepest sympathies and my best wishes. Hang in there.

_________________________
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you - Maya Angelous
Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed - Martin Luther King
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qF_qbaWt3Q
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDOkMSf-F14

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#355645 - 03/05/11 02:48 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: Avery46]
devon0 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/07/00
Posts: 45
Loc: TX, USA
Avery, if someone else is upset by your joy, too bad for them.

I am still ambiguous in my feelings, sometimes SSA sometimes not. Now, I think I look beyond a person's sex and, hopefully, into their soul. I have several good friends of both sexes and that's fine with me.... However,

Geeze but I'd love to have a romantic, I mean really romantic affair with someone. Not really sexual, just romantic, silly romance. You know what I mean? Where you are just head of heels in love with the other person? Where, no matter what you're doing, you're doing it together? I had that once, just one time, for a few months. I recall almost every minute of it. I remember those days waking up in the morning and knowing I have the world by the ass; even a cloudy day was sunny. But he was a victim of abuse, too, and he didn't realize what we had at the time. He called me a couple years later to tell me he was dying. It broke my heart but I couldn't go back there again. It was too painful. I didn't attend his funeral.

If I could experience those feelings again... well, I don't know... what the hell would I do with them? LOL At least I had it once, eh?

_________________________
A life worth living.

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#355764 - 03/07/11 01:46 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: devon0]
men_of_hrts.dbw Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/09
Posts: 302
Loc: Orchidland Big Island Hawaii
This was a baffling deal for me that started as intrusive flashbacks during sexual arousal and ever slowley I started to incorporate M/M fantasy into masterbation and was disgusted and turned on at the same time. I am 100% hetro with no homophobic issues so twice tried M/M sex, Drunk and unsucessful with anxiety/disbelief. Thirteen years after the assault I went solo and avoided/suppressed the repulsive attraction but the unwanted fantasies stayed during MB.
This was one of the first issues I came to grips with and was able to assocciate the SSA to the assault, especially when I read about it here. And it surfaced very quick since I was talking about the 3 decades of untreated post-assault sexual trauma and was aroused easily for about the first few months after disclosure. It was pretty easy to correct with understanding and practice. I used some custom ideas to get rid of it and I recall the first time I had success.
Took awhile but I have totally exorsized the thoughts and have been ready for the real thing for over a year.
I feel the unfair loss of my youth and a resentment when I compare my life to others, like I accomplished less regarding relationships.
I never lost the ease of rapport with women so I should do o'kay
Thanks

_________________________
Doug>ASA Survivor (1x)
ECV 6001/MaTuCa Chapter 1849
E Clampus Vitus
"What Say the Brethren"
"Hang the Bastards"

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#355810 - 03/07/11 02:31 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: men_of_hrts.dbw]
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
nothing is easy

and abuse fucks us up big time

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#355847 - 03/07/11 09:35 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: michael Joseph]
alanhoops Offline


Registered: 02/21/11
Posts: 21
Yes it is very hard. Sometimes I wish I wasn't born. I think I just need to accept because things seem to never be the way I hoped in my life. The potential and joy are buried under fear and shame. Some days are better than others but overall the affects of the abuse seem to win out. I am sad that there are so many people affected by CSA and I'm also comforted that I'm not alone and others are working hard to get better. Keep the faith.


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#421291 - 01/06/13 07:04 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
james 1959 Offline


Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 287
i asked this question a few years back does ssa evey go away ive found you learn to live with the feeling and its that its noting to work myself up about.
_________________________
We are brothers on a journey,and companions on the road
We are here to help each other share the burden and the Load

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#445368 - 08/24/13 05:33 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
james 1959 Offline


Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 287
Understanding where my feeling came from has helped me a lot theres nothing to be a shamed of having ssa it the understanding how life made me feel this way in the first place ihave gained that knowledge over the last 3 and half years and im happy with the result
_________________________
We are brothers on a journey,and companions on the road
We are here to help each other share the burden and the Load

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#448166 - 09/25/13 04:43 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 412
lets play a fill in the blank game.

SSA attraction goes away the minute you realize.....................

A- you don't have to be something you don't want to be.

B- you realize your gay.

c- None of the above

The author of this post wishes to make note that he believes all answers are correct in this game.
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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#453422 - 11/12/13 07:03 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: ryan_a]
jdsrip Offline


Registered: 06/07/12
Posts: 9
Thanks Ryan, nicely said esp ..."As long as your action fit your life, obligations, and comfort level...don't worry so much about your fantasies. It is true that I may look at a certain type of guy for a minute, but I also think Beyonce' is hot as hell."

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#453424 - 11/12/13 07:10 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
Frustrated Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 195
I experience the say attractions to men. I have been married for 27 years and I watch a lot of gay and bi porn. I'm not gay (not that there's anything wrong with that) but I have gay fantasies. I don't think it will ever go away. I was first sexually abused at 4 and for as long as I remember I have had those fantasies. I guess it depends on the person.

James
_________________________
I will never be safe I will never be sain I will always be weird inside I will always be lame

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#454762 - 11/22/13 08:41 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 237
Loc: New York City
I want to add I've been posting on here for a number of years and SSA has been a huge issue for me. I want others to know that it is possible to move past them. I am. And my true sexual nature beneath the SSA is coming to the forefront of my life.

When I have SSA, which are now relatively mild, I see the feeling as an echo or reverberation from the past and from my dysfunctional childhood and illusory. I've done a lot of work on exploring what SSA means for me through reading, therapy, on this board, on another board with guys who share similar views on SSA and it is truly working. I'm getting healthier in all areas of my life and my sexuality is just one more area.

That's for today and today only. I don't know what the future holds for me but I have been relieved (generally) of unwanted attractions that felt dysfunctional and never filling the real underlying needs. And if I have them, I don't get angry at myself for them. I understand them and move on.

I've been doing self-work for a long time now that I don't know what the next layer might contain so I don't hold on too tightly to what I learn or feel today. I try to remain open. I added this last paragraph in order to stress that SSA, for me, has been very specific in a way that made no sense. I was attracted to members of my own gender that varied from my day to day life. It was very obvious that who (the type of guy) I felt a electric attraction/connection to was a disconnect from my regular life that it couldn't be anything other than a problem. I knew it wasn't shame about that being my actual attraction and society not allowing it. I knew it was a glitch in my personal eco-system and needed to be cleared up. It is being cleared up.

Want to tell guys who have similar SSA, in whatever form, there is hope.
_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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#454894 - 11/23/13 04:12 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
Hopeful1 Offline


Registered: 07/22/09
Posts: 18
Loc: Pacific Northwest
I have found a few antidotes to SSA. I find that one of the best is giving myself permission to feel it. When I do that, they sometimes just vanish away. The nice thing about this one is it is relatively easy to accomplish. You tell yourself it's ok to have these feelings, that you don't have to act on them if you don't want to and what does it really matter if you have them or not? Accepting homosexuals in general can help you do this.

Another antidote is feeling like I am normal and good. That one can be harder to accomplish, depending on what's going on in my life.

A third is feeling loved. That one is not entirely under my control, though.

Over the years, as I have paid attention to the various things that trigger SSA feelings, I have decided that my adolescent experiences created a strong association between feelings that would otherwise be unrelated, feelings like fear, disgust, arousal, guilt and shame, all of which I associated with homosexuality.

Also, during my childhood and adolescent experiences, I felt accepted during sex, so when I feel rejected by the world I have sometimes turned to images of naked men to create a feeling of being accepted. It's not particularly helpful or healthy, but that is what is sometimes going on inside of me.
_________________________
Now hope that is seen is not hope, For who hopes for what he sees? (Rom. 8:24)

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#454896 - 11/23/13 04:47 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
Frustrated Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 195
SSA is another one of my many problems. In not gay and not attracted to men but when it comes to sex I have a lot of fantasies about men and I watch gay and bi porn. It's always a sexual thing. I have felt this for as long as i can remember Very rarely do I look at a guy and say to myself I could do him. I don't understand it. it doesn't bother me and I just go with it. I know it is part of me that came from my abuse. It's the least of things I have to worry about. I also think in time solving my other issues this one will fade. I guess what I'm thinking is dont stress out too much about it and not to focus on it too much.
_________________________
I will never be safe I will never be sain I will always be weird inside I will always be lame

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#471587 - 10/23/14 12:05 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
james 1959 Offline


Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 287
On the 17/2/2010 from a tortured and suffering mind and a broken hearted man i asked the question Does SSA ever go away ?


4 Years and 9 moths later i can answer that question now for my self as a survivor of CSA .

With lots of love care understanding and support from family friends and support groups it has completely gone from my thoughts and feelings in daily life but i have to add its a very stressful and painful journey to go on in recovery from CSA

i hope this message gives all who suffer from csa and ssa some comfort and hope in their painful journey they are on at present time

James




Edited by james 1959 (10/23/14 12:06 PM)
_________________________
We are brothers on a journey,and companions on the road
We are here to help each other share the burden and the Load

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#471621 - 10/24/14 01:45 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
wiresguy1 Offline


Registered: 07/21/14
Posts: 11
Loc: CT
Having been diagnosed with PSTD and 9 months into dealing with the 17 years of sexual abuse, I find myself in a very dark place today having the need to access male porn over the past couple of weeks. Over my adult life, the way of dealing was the typical disgusting things of misplaced anger, occasional hookups, etc while maintaining a marriage, family and successful career. Now at 57 I am going to therapy twice a week, open with my wife about everything and retired from the stresses of my job. What makes me feel so lost now is that I was driven to go to these sites, of which brought me no enjoyment, just disgust in myself. I need to know is this all a part of what the road to recovery required?

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#471638 - 10/24/14 07:46 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 1054
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Wiresguy1,

Congratulations on getting to a place where you can begin to uncover your abuse, and begin to release it and make sense of the consequences of it.

The only answer that makes sense to me in your question "...is this all a part of what the road to recovery required?" is, it's part of what YOUR road to recovery requires. Your one of a kind, and only you can figure out what you need. I hope you can learn to not beat yourself up as you walk this challenging road.

Sending you love and support,

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#471711 - 10/26/14 08:41 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
pete1973 Offline


Registered: 01/02/14
Posts: 51
Loc: Ontario, Canada
I have been in counseling and therapy now for over a year and a half, first abuse was at 11 and second at 18 followed by a suicide attempt and have alwys found since I hit puberty I had ssa and a huge penis fixation. My first abuse was allowing the guy to give me oral while he masturbated and I mainly stared out a window, I hadn't hit puberty and did not get an erection or ejaculate but he did, I noticed a couple of times but had no interest or curiosity. I reported it and he killed himself a week later.
The second time a potential employer lured me into his house and manipulated me into massaging him, letting him gring his ass into my crotch and taking his clothes off and I had contemplated letting him use me as he wanted feeling that this was the only sexual action I would ever get, I was still a virgin, and I let myself feel low enough that this was all I was good for but eventually I freaked out and did not want ANYONE to ever know what he was doing and what I was willing to let go to become his victim and I freaked out and ran. He threatened me, using the job as leverage and that it would get out but I didn't care and tried to kill myself, I failed as I am still here but glad I did.
All that being said, none of my ssa has anything to do with these men. Yes I have fallen into revictimizing myself before getting into counseling and therapy and finally talking about the second incident after hiding it from the world for nearly 29 years but the true, honest, good sexual attractions I have towards men, and women for that matter, have nothing to do with the abuse and I know for certain that I would have had some attraction to men, mainly a penis fixation and giving oral, regardless if I was abused or not. There is nothing wrong with being attracted to men and/or women but do yourself a favour and take a long, hard look at it and openly discuss it with a counselor or therapist before you decide if you think you are straight, gay or bisexual or even just bicurious and don't be so quick to write off your feelings as a result of the abuse. And also, really discuss any feelings about the abuse, my problem was I fell into feeling like I was a bad victim because I didn't get an erection and ejaculate and I let and actually pushed some men, dirty men who where into just about any kind of sexual stuff, to use me and tell me to do things to them and treat me like dirt. I finally opened my eyes to it when one of these men asked me to fix his pc and found child porn on there, it made me so sick and what was worse was that I gave the pc to the police along with a written and verbal statement which really tested my wits and made me so sick and the crown didn't feel he had a strong enough case because all of the images were sent during video sessions, ones which I explained were common for him where he would masturbate with other men on cam and most likely verbally asked for them but they wanted a text statement of him asking so they just wiped out his pc. Sickens me that our justice system wants an easy bust and they didn't even follow the ip address where it came from.
But anyway, this really made me open my eyes to what I liked and what the abuse did to me mentally and the abuse had nothing to do with my innocent attraction to men, mainly giving oral and being a bottom, I feel just as good as when I have sex with my wife of almost 19 years and she is open to me exploring as long as we both agree that it is a natural attraction and not a revictimization.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with a survivor being straight, gay, bisexual or bicurious or just admiring looking at naked men in porno, it is called being a sexual human being, something I denied myself for a long time until I understood it.

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#479438 - 03/20/15 08:02 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
Austin54 Offline


Registered: 03/14/15
Posts: 23
Loc: New Zealand
At 60 I too still have SSA to hairy white mature fit men, especially with beards. I know it was the result of abuse and also of conditioning (porn watching). As I abstain from porn I get less attracted in life, and the more sex I get with my wife the less I am afflicted- a horny man is a dangerous thing- better to go jerk off and get it out of your system. But if I meet a man of the right sort, it is generally impossible for me not to be attracted, and I have to be careful not to stare at his crotch. Once I get to know him as a friend the attraction generally lessens. I have remained faithful for 35 years, and am not in danger of cheating with another man at least!

Also I used to obsess over penis size due to the abuse, but I Joined the visualizer.net site and have gotten a strong dose of reality from that site and so that aspect- which before made me quite insecure has finally faded... I am average to above average in size, and many are a lot less endowed than I am... I should be thankful. Also I have gotten much better in satisfying my wife than I was 35 years ago, and she more and more appreciates my male anatomy and that really helps me feel like a man. I count my blessings daily and that really does help!

My life shows that there is hope for SSA men... as long as you can be chaste and not give in to the temptation to have sex with a man, and as long as females don't repulse you sexually, and as long as you marry a good friend and partner who you enjoy being with, all sorts of things can be learned and built together. The children and grandchildren are worth your investment and sacrifices.
_________________________
Abused by my father, I chose family and faith over promiscuity. Married for 35 years and great sex at home, I am the head of a clan: 4 kids and 5 grands, but I still experience SSA. The family needs me to be strong and supportive, but inside I am a 7-yr old child craving his father's love.

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#479444 - 03/20/15 09:40 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 2240
Somewhere along the way, I think at a support group someone referred to this article. It helped to clarify his SSA feelings. It was interesting to learn the difference between sexual arousal and sexual desire. Arousal can be conditioned or imprinted in the mind from the abuse. I found it online and I thought it was interesting reading.

http://theomnibuscenter.org/wp-content/u...-the-Victim.pdf


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#479447 - 03/20/15 12:53 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: pete1973]
Austin54 Offline


Registered: 03/14/15
Posts: 23
Loc: New Zealand
Wow Pete, how did the perpetrator killing himself make you feel? How old was he? He obviously needed help! Did that give you a guilt trip or anything?
_________________________
Abused by my father, I chose family and faith over promiscuity. Married for 35 years and great sex at home, I am the head of a clan: 4 kids and 5 grands, but I still experience SSA. The family needs me to be strong and supportive, but inside I am a 7-yr old child craving his father's love.

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#479448 - 03/20/15 01:30 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
Rich1967 Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 389
Loc: PA
That is a fascinating article to say the least. I think I figured out a lot of that stuff for me on my own. It's nice to see this as validation and to use it like a magnifying glass to look at it all again. I am planning a talk to a group of ministers in my church this June and the physical arousal around other men that I can have was one of the main reasons it was suggested that I speak to them - they hadn't really been exposed to it as a group before. I am definitely going to reference this article.

In a nutshell... I never had a father figure in my life and not too many friends before my abuse. My one best friend was a girl named Rhonda and then second best was Shawn but never really did anything with just him. Right before the abuse I so wanted/needed to be loved and accepted by male figures in my life - we are pack animals and I was not part of the pack. The abuse sexualized all my desires to have men in my life that I felt close to. From my 20s till this day feeling close to another guy could cause some type of sexual response - partial erection to producing enough precum to show through my pants. Horribly embarrassing even to this day. To solve this problem I avoided any types of connections with other men from my 20s till about three years ago. I can work with men and interact with them but I would not think of them as friends or let myself feel close to any of them.

In the last three years I have done anything but avoid men. Me and my best friend even took turns holding each other in our arms. I have what I consider, and it feels like, healthy relationships with men in my life for the first time. Does feeling close to another guy still cause the same sexual reactions? Sometimes, but not all the time and not as much. It has gotten better but it took me repeatedly confronting my fears over it for that to happen. Being held had the very awesome feeling of being truly accepted and loved so yeah that caused a sexual response but it was nice to know I wasn't being judged by that at the time so I could finally accept what was being offered.

I am going to keep working at it but will it ever go away... my T says probably no. Do I care... at this point some but not a lot. I'd accept any guy with that problem and I know I'm not the only one and knowing that makes me feel better.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#479449 - 03/20/15 01:31 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: wiresguy1]
Austin54 Offline


Registered: 03/14/15
Posts: 23
Loc: New Zealand
Hi Wiseguy, sorry for your struggle, similar to my own. WOW you are open about this with your wife- I don't have the guts to tell my wife- how did you tell her?

I have gone to very dark places with the internet, including mutual masturbation sessions via Skype with online contacts and that sort of thing- obsessed with ejaculating cocks and mature hairy bears- I can spend the entire night trolling, which hurts my production and work and family life, but once I get around to masturbating and ejaculating the desire goes away instantly and the self loathing begins again and I realize that I could have gotten a good night's sleep if I only had just relieved myself as soon as I found myself out of control.

So I have finally realized that when I am very horny it is very dangerous...like my mind is controlled by my balls and penis. I am attracted to all sorts of inappropriate unhealthy things when horny. I also want to eat my own jizz and crave sucking a nice cock, but as soon as I cum I am instantly repulsed, and I feel lost and disgusted and unfaithful. By now I should really be able to recognize when I am in danger and just stay off the internet and rub that temptation out, and often I can and it really works for me!

When I was younger and single I masturbated daily, and when I married I tried to stop, but if we did not have sex for three days, then I would just have to get relief, and it was a lot better than being controlled by my cock. Wifey would help me relieve myself sometimes when she was not in the mood- and that was loving of her (we had 4 kids). Now I am 60 and I found that it was taking longer to come to climax both with wifey and solo, and wifey also takes longer to climax. It is frustrating being horny and not being able to release without taking an hour, or I would lose steam and could not keep it up- a gummy worm cock does not work so well! About a month ago I got the courage to get some Cialis and Viagra to try and it is GREAT! Wifey really likes it too! I produce more lubrication and it takes less time to ejaculate as well. With less stimulation needed now both with wife and solo, I have surprisingly found that I am now a lot more free of the internet porn- I don't need it as a stimulus because I am already well stimulated!

But I will soon be in grave danger as I travel for a couple of months for work and will have the laptop and all that associated temptation, so I plan on taking the Cialis every three days and putting myself on a schedule of relieving myself as soon as I hit the bed (without any internet). Without my knowing my own weakness and actively doing something about it, I know I will be swept away again. If I let it build up, I might also be so weak that if an opportunity were to arise I might not be able to say NO!
_________________________
Abused by my father, I chose family and faith over promiscuity. Married for 35 years and great sex at home, I am the head of a clan: 4 kids and 5 grands, but I still experience SSA. The family needs me to be strong and supportive, but inside I am a 7-yr old child craving his father's love.

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#479458 - 03/20/15 03:31 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
Nothing Man Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/10/14
Posts: 776
Loc: Ohio
KMC, that was an interesting article you posted and is leading me to doing a lot of introspection. Thanks!
_________________________
Suisse et libre

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#479491 - 03/21/15 08:48 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
sorryson Offline


Registered: 05/31/14
Posts: 302
The article helped to clarify some things for me. My Dad and you know our story would disappear into another world, one he did not remember or know. When he was hospitalized he found a fabulous doctor, ahead of his time in understanding abuse. He told Dad's wife that Dad had markings (and I guess they call them imprints today) in parts of his brain that the abuser left him with. The doctor said Dad was able to build a wall betweem him and the part that was abused. Dad some how fought to keep these two parts separate. I guess he did a great job until he started to fall apart, the battles were getting to him. All of a sudden he started to become weird and forgetful. He told us he did not remember where he was, of course Mama basically told him he was full of s**t. Well the doctor said that part he fought to keep away from him started to be in charge. That part is where it seems Dad buried his SSA because it was not anywhere else. Dad's wife said no signs when he was here and after he received counseling there were never any SSA episodes. The doctor also told us, that part of Dad, the part of the other side of the wall, was able to take over because emotionally his family (me, my brother and sister and Mama) were abandoning him emotionally and emotionally and physically abusing him (yes throwing oatmeal and other things at him, locking him out of the house were all abuse).

It seems when this part of him became him and Dad went to some unkonwn place, the SSA feelings would dominate this part of him. The doctor said the abuse left these marks in his mind and Dad put it into a box in his mind. I now understand when the article said the ""want to" the child may have is for connection, attention or love...." My Dad's wife said this part who escaped wanted love and with Dad being void of love because of us, this part would seek out what it thought was love and get the attention it so needed. When Dad returned and that part was not in charge, SSA was not an issue for Dad and sadly or maybe fortunate he never knew what happened when that part was in charge. The article helped me to understand how CSA warps the mind. I never had any feelings of SSA and the thought of being reabused repulses me. I do understand the markings or imprints on our mind will be different for each of us. I wonder if Dad did not dissociate would he have been in control of his SSA or because as the doctor told Dad's wife, it was the wall between the two that kept the SSA from Dad but it was part of him.

Thank you for the article it was helpful and I now realize Dad was a strong person who fought to keep the abuse out of his life, but in the end his dear emotionally challenged family pushed him to breakdown the wall he so well constructed and now a part of him that he did not want was there in his life.

I am sorry for anyone who suffers from SSA because for some it is not their orientation but rather their orientation has been distorted by the abuse. And for those of you who are gay, that is your orientation and be proud of who you are. Those caught in the distortion of their orientation because of the abuse life must be difficult. I am sorry you suffer this way.

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#479597 - 03/23/15 12:02 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 2240
I am glad to see there is more being written about the effects of trauma and/or CSA. It helps people understand their confusion. I do believe the CSA does leave an imprint. It is interesting to read the imprint can condition to have a want but does not change our innate orientation. Unfortunately this want seems to leave many confused as to their orientation. Understanding the conditioning the abuse left one with at least gives insight. Then one must somehow determine their own orientation without regard to the imprint. I believe some are able to recondition their thought processes to remove or rewire the imprint while others struggle a lifetime.

It is interesting how we all are conditioned differently, some more outward about the wants, others fighting the want, others acting out consciously and subconsciously. Throwing in dissociation and fugues and acts during these times only makes me realize the mind is so complex and every time I read something I have to step back and try to understand it. Hopefully talking about the wants helps survivors to find a way to live with it or rewire their thought processes, remove their confusion as to orientation vs want and to find happiness and peace living in their true orientation.

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#479611 - 03/23/15 03:34 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
Nothing Man Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/10/14
Posts: 776
Loc: Ohio
It is worth interjecting here, however, that SSA in itself is neither wrong nor harmful nor evil or sinful or anything else. It just is what it is, and some folks experience it more than others regardless of its origin.
_________________________
Suisse et libre

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#479616 - 03/23/15 04:04 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 1054
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Everyone,

I had a dream the other night that, upon reflection, represents me as an infant/young child killing my internalized mother--energy that I have often described as running and ruining my life. What is so interesting to me is that while this character, in various forms, has always been indestructible, this time when I killed her she stayed dead. For many decades she has always immediately reformed in spite of what type of force I used in my dreams.

Over the couple of days after the dream, I have come to understand that while identifying as gay for the past 45 years, it is just as likely that I am straight or bi as it is that I am gay. The sexual abuse and torture from my mother imprinted a traumatic revulsion to the idea of anything sexual with women. And, unfortunately, choking on my father's semen sometime prior to age 3 1/2 while he was beating me and telling me I was bad, imprinted an unconscious nausea and gagging reflex any time I smelled semen. So, I was really screwed all the way around.

After I came to the conclusion that it is just as likely that I'm straight or bi as it is that I am gay, I have felt an overall relaxation settle on me. Now, nothing has changed regarding dependency issues, fear issues, safety issues, stranger anxiety,etc. My fundamental issues will play out regardless of sexual preference. But, coming to recognize that all of my sexual energy for men has been compulsive and completely out of my control, while all of my revulsion to women has been totally as a result of my experiences with my mother from infancy on, is creating a clean space inside myself to consider who I actually am.

I don't care whether I am gay or bi or straight. It makes no difference to me whatsoever. I do care that I am comfortable in my own skin. There is still much work to do in continuing to clear on the imprinted fears from my mother and father. But, it feels really honest and good to be approaching this from the perspective that my relationships with my mother and father are not worthwhile gender experiences for me to make judgments about whether I'm comfortable with men or women or both in terms of intimate relationships.

While this is only a couple of days old, it feels like it is freeing up a ton of old energy that is now available in support of me finding more of who I truly am.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#479696 - 03/24/15 06:01 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: don64]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 196
Loc: USA
Hay Don,

what an awasume out come to take back power in this way. I hope you find that real comfort in your own skin. I am looking for that as well.

For me sexual orentation, sexual prefrence, how I see myself as a sexual being, who and what I am attracted to are different at different times for different reasons. I am trying to live with the differences in my self as a way to be comfortable in my own skin.

It seams to me that the next step in true fredom is to become renewed as often as I can
and reject the confines of the terminology and stereotypes . Or the illusion that I have arrived.

Things that help me today may someday need to be left behind if only so I may become a better version of who I am or who I am to be.

Thanks for sharing Don!


Edited by SmartShadow (03/24/15 06:03 PM)

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#479723 - 03/24/15 10:31 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 1054
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi SmartShadow,

Thanks for the encouragement. I do know my true nature does not reside in labels, so it is interesting for me to observe how this develops. I know it involves freedom, and I know the key is to continue the work I'm doing. I just don't know what that freedom looks like. Your post is inspirational for me.

Thanks,

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#480285 - 04/04/15 02:18 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
smc1972 Offline


Registered: 10/17/14
Posts: 98
Loc: CA
Hi,

I just want to say I am glad I am not alone in all these thoughts and feelings. I view my self as bi and wonder if I was made bi from the abuse. Mine came at the hands of my parents and even now in my 40's u still struggle with the thoughts and memories.

I have never shared any of this with anyone in person from fear of being looked at as messed-up. I have even been in therapy in my 20's and never told him about the past experience.

I thnk I am starting to face things in myself such as the porn. I have been watching porn since a kid and now I still have times where I just have to be online for hours watching it. I know deep down it is addiction which I hate. Again never shared this from my own feeling of shame. I do want to get past my own self-hate. Now just seeing everyone's comments has made me cry some to tell myself I am not alone or a bad person. I know I had no choice in my past.

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#480290 - 04/04/15 04:23 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: smc1972]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 196
Loc: USA
Hi smc1972,

Just saw your post and wanted you to know your so not alone.
I am glad you can give your self a bit of a pass on the porn. I think addiction is certainly somthing to understand and even own if reasonably applicable. But for me there is a lot more going on then just trying to get a fix or num the pain. In fact i think it is a way that I have tryed to make sence of the pain and get back in touch with the abuse. Not saying it the best way to do this, but we do what we have always done, survive the best we can.

I have gotten a lot out of going to a good therapist. He keeps encouraging me to turn toward my fealing. As conflicting as they are to me at times. But in some ways this has helped me grow up in the conflicted areas of my life and I find I turn towards porn less as I acknolaged damage and grow out.

We must learn to love and take care of our self as we learn to be conected to others in safe health ways. It's what our parents were supose to help us do.

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#480299 - 04/04/15 06:39 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 1054
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi smc1972,

I was abused by both my parents also, which set me up for a lifetime of psychological abuse because it was all I knew. I'm only clearing it up, seemingly, now at 65. I don't feel judgmental about you in any way. You are just responding to the abuse you endured, and I know from my own experiences most of what I have been concerned about for my whole life has not been in my conscious control. I have been ruled by compulsions set in motion before my brain was even fully developed.

So, I send you love and support. And, I hope you are able to love yourself through all this. It isn't your fault. You are making normal responses to trauma inflicted on you. Just my opinion.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#480304 - 04/04/15 09:36 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
SayItRight Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/06/13
Posts: 89
Hey all and hey smc1972 [TRIGGER WARNING: some of what I write mentions past struggles with suicidal thoughts],

It has been helpful for me to read this discussion and so I thought I'd throw in my two cents in case it is helpful to others.

I think what I am responding to the most are SmartShadow and don's comments on not being judgmental. Also, want to note my agreement with NothingMan: I don't think there is anything wrong with same sex attractions or orientation. When I read people's comments about overcoming or getting over "SSA" I assume they experience such attractions or desires as unwanted.

In dealing with some of the effects sexual abuse has had on me, I have found it very helpful to distinguish or to try and distinguish as best as I can between:
-sexual desire; -sexual arousal; -sexual orientation; and -sexualized emotions;
-sex, desires, fantasies, and porn as sometimes being aspects of sexual desires;
--as sometimes demonstrating my need for stress relief (whether that's appropriate or not);
--as sometimes demonstrating my need for emotional relief, or release (whether appropriate or not);
--sometimes as trauma symptoms; sometimes as responses to triggers, sometimes as triggering, sometimes as the only thing that could help me come out of dissociative states, sometimes as the way I took into dissociative states; sometimes, when I felt completely numb, as the only way I knew to re-establish that I was alive and capable of feeling something, anything, etc.
-Sometimes as extremely confusing and/or extremely comforting combinations of some or all of the above.

What I am trying to say is that what has been most helpful to me whenever it is I've engaged in something I am troubled by (which is not to say that I have troubled by all I've done) is to work as much as I can to suspend my shame and regret and judgment in order to try and get at *why* I did what I did - I mean, what might have been driving that behavior, and, if possible - to not assume there was only one preceding factor, because there might be several. Or to assume that they were all "bad:" because some might be legitimate; some might be in conflict.

I realize this is nothing new for many of you. What I want to share, however, is how and why I found it so vital to not judge myself.

All of this is not something I talk about much, by the way, because (1) my approach may not be appropriate to everyone, especially to someone struggling with addictions or with risky or dangerous behavior; (2) others have value systems which they view as making certain things always only right or wrong; (3) even other survivors can sometimes judge my approach. People in support groups, etc. in the past have sometimes re-acted negatively to the form my approach took. Say, just for example, times I considered porn a better option than "acting out." Yeah, yeah, yeah, to that person, I understand, better to not want either of those things; better to resist both; where does one draw the line; etc. But I'm talking about what helped me.

It is not my intention to shock or cause debate. It was my intention, first and foremost, to survive. The biggest reason I adopted my approach is because in the past the urge to punish myself or destroy myself for anything or everything was so strong. Working hard to not judge myself was one of the only ways I had to dis-arm those dangerous and threatening tendencies.

Another was because it seemed to make sense: when I was troubled by what I did, focusing on the behavior, which in my case often meant obssessing over it, beating myself up about it, never helped me to achieve prevention. If I wasn't aware of what was "causing" me to do certain things, I had little hope of avoiding them in the future and I was typically never "aware" that I found the behavior troubling until *after* I engaged in it.

It wasn't just that hindsight was 20/20 for me, it was that frequently hindsight was the only time my eyes were even open. So I had to maximize the *after* opportunity - I had to dig into where things broke down for me. Guilting myself out about what I did never helped me to do that. It only obscured the facts and hindered the process.

A couple of years back I read an article that analogized the effects of sexual abuse on a child to the effects of a power surge on equipment like a computer: it can burn out all, most, or some of the receptors and output components. So, later on, that person might experience a lot of varied stimuli as only or mainly sexual stimuli, the input is interpreted sexually. The same person might respond sexually to a wide variety of even every-day, non-sexual situations, in other words, the output would be sexualized or mostly sexualized.

This theory helped me out a lot because it was one of the first times I was able to see what happened to me as the cause of some of what I felt and did, rather than to simply blame, judge, hate, and even want to harm myself for those things.

I found and still find the challenges in not judging myself to be considerable. First, it is not natural for me to approach situations this way. Second, at times I had to and have to be open to very uncomfortable possibilities about who I am, who I might be, that certain of my values might be incompatible with my long-term survival, that my life might require radical change to accomodate truths I begin to understand about myself, etc.

It is only recently that I have begun to see another, completely unexpected, benefit from the approach I have been taking. In first struggling through not judging myself, I end up sometimes even accepting myself, as I am, whether or not I think I will be able to *fix* evertying. The better I become at accepting myself, the more I find I may even start to love myself. Sometimes I see it even more clearly than others: in learning to accept the *bad," I am somehow gaining an awareness of the good in me - something - to be honest - that I would never have even attempted to undertake - an approach or goal I did not even think was possible - becoming aware of a good I did not even believe to exist.

This may all be of little comfort to someone who is truly troubled by what they're feeling, their particular desires, etc. I guess what I'd offer such as person is this: you, and what you might be desiring, or how you might be responding, are not one and the same. Those things feel like you, sound like you, come at you as though they are truer than true, at times as though they are the only certainty. They are not you, however. Don't use those things as some kind of proof against yourself. Try, if you can, to take your own side against those things. Use any opening you can find to distance yourself from those things: even the frustration or despair they can cause.

What I have discovered is that the biggest challenge I face is not the sexual abuse I suffered, nor the sexual urges and desires I have: it is how easily I can be enticed into hating myself for all of those things, and for other things, and sometimes for no reason at all. I may lose some battles with bad actions along the way but the war for myself is one I intend to win.

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#480316 - 04/05/15 05:38 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 1054
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Sir,

I love your post! It is a gift for me.

Thanks,

Don


Edited by don64 (04/05/15 05:40 AM)
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#480327 - 04/05/15 09:06 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
Nothing Man Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/10/14
Posts: 776
Loc: Ohio
Hi Sayitright. I agree with you completely that we survivors have a huge problem in judging ourselves harshly for events over which we had no control. Suspending that judgment and trying to make it through life is a vital step, and I think you nailed it with your post.
_________________________
Suisse et libre

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#480333 - 04/05/15 12:54 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 196
Loc: USA
Hi Sayitright,
I concur with Don and Nothing Man, good post and point of view.

I too find my self on the dissociative spectrum and for many years went through the turmoil of (resist - repress - distract - deny) eventually I would wear down and act out in some way just to relieve the pressure. Followed by extream self lothing and shame.

With help from my T, I now understand that I have parts (more then one self state) who are isolated and stuck it the past trauma. We all have parts, the question at hand is are they conected or isolated.

The above cycle is often seen as an adiction cycle that must be resisted and extinguished. I have come to under stand that there is so much more going on.

When we are very young we have multiple ego states and grow into cohesiveness as we develop. If a traumatic event happens at a young age and or offten enough and we are not protected and helped to make sence of it, we separate in order to contain the trauma and in order to survive and function.

A traumatized young, under developed and repressed, ego state that is isolated and disconnected can cause all kinds of confusing emotions and thoughts. As our body responds to the "sexulised unresolved trauma of the past" it is possible to be confused that this is what we want, who we are, who we are ment to be. And yet acting out can lead to such fealings of shame and repulsion.

I wonder if some of these feeling could be this same ego state that is now re traumatized by the acting out and now is back in the after abuse trauma and shame. (ie numbing out and wanting to disappear, fealing...)

Finding a way to help and reconnect with this ego state/s is necessary if we are to find harmony with our self.

If this is to happen we must stop looking to for answers in "what is sexual orentation" or "what is sin" and start looking for "how to reconnect with our sexualy traumatized self.

As Sayitright said early in his post,

"If I wasn't aware of what was "causing" me to do certain things, I had little hope of avoiding them in the future"

At this point on my journey, is not important to me if my ssa increase or decrease. Or even if I act out in a safe non traumatizing way now now and then.
My desior is to continue to conect with my traumatized ego states and acept them, love them and help them understand...

You are not alone, l acept you, you are not bad, it was so not your fault, we will get through this togeather, you are safe, I will protect you.....

Try saying somthing like this to yourself instead of self bashing.
I find it good medicine for my sole.

Peace

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#480334 - 04/05/15 12:58 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
smc1972 Offline


Registered: 10/17/14
Posts: 98
Loc: CA
Thanks for all the post. Just knowing I can share these issues has helped though I know I have so much more to face. I do get so down and hate myself for how I am. I know it is not my fault but the self hate just comes to my mind when things occur I will tell myself such negative stuff. I am trying not do that yet it just happens so easily.

I have conflict with my own sexual responses to things such as memories or even being around my parents at times when memories are triggered. I want to hate them and cut them out my life yet I can't as I do care about them which to me is just messed up. I think of how when I was younger I was so lucky now I know I wasent and I get mad at thinking I was ever lucky. I hate even saying I have sexual response to those memories, I know everyone here says I won't be judged but I judge myself. I have gone through life always worrying what people think of me.

I rad how people here mention our minds were changed these events, so does that mean things will never change? I have wondered the same thing about my battle with depression, is this my life my mind is somehow set so I will always battle depression, sex issues, self judgement. I at times think my depression is tied to my sexual issues and my anger at myself.

Sorry to ramble just my mind is flooded with thoughts.

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#480384 - 04/06/15 06:53 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
SayItRight Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/06/13
Posts: 89
Hey All:

I appreciate these responses to what I posted. I wasn't sure how it would be interpreted. The support goes a long way.

smc1972: I believe it to be true that our minds where changed by these events. But I think that if that is true, then other events can change our minds in positive ways too.

I read your first post from just a little while back. From what I can tell, you joined a couple of months before that. You wrote in that first post that you never used to post but that now you have the courage to do so - I see proof of your courage repeated in this thread. You also wrote in your first post that you got the courage to speak to someone at 1-in-6.org - that is also a change. In your first post, you write about courage twice. You also called your post "facing the past." These are great words to read. They remind me how much change is possible, how it is happening right now, in good ways, all around me.

In my experience, the challenges always seem bigger than the changes, and the bad I experienced always seems stronger than the good I hope for and so easily doubt. I'm sorry to hear things are tough right now but I appreciate being able to read about all the things you are doing despite it being tough: posting, talking to someone at 1-in-6, opening up in ways you didn't used to. I'm glad that knowing you can share issues here has helped you, as you wrote up there. I hope you realize your sharing issues here helps others too. It has helped me.

SayItRight

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#480390 - 04/06/15 10:24 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
CafeMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/18/13
Posts: 155
Loc: Chicago
The one thing that I HATED about my abuse the most was the lack of control over my body. I hated, hated, hated that. I hated when the man pinned me down, and I hated that his physical touch led to an arousal. I was a very shy young boy but came from a very assertive family. Therefore, I knew what I liked and did not like. From day one, I did not want this abuse. It led to extreme shame and disgust.

I buried my sexuality after my abuse ended at 12. After all ... a MAN liked ME! Ewww, ewww, ewww!!! So I never talked about girls. I found them attractive. However, I believe I was conditioned about sexual development from a man--regardless if it is abuse or not. So I believe my viewpoints regarding sex was distorted.

The lack of control I exhibited led to extreme embarrassment. To this day, I still get very sad when I remember how I told my father about the abuse. From a man to man perspective (even though I was 12), it was the most disturbing thing I ever did. I had turned out the lights so I could hide in the darkness because I couldn't look at my father in the eye.

The point is that while I was at the peak of my sexual development, I suppressed a lot of mental development. My first sexual experiences were not natural. I wish I could say I fooled around with a girl behind the school building the way my brothers did. I wish I could say that I lost my virginity the way my brothers did. I buried it all and delayed my progress. At the same time ... I felt like a failure not living up to my father's or brothers' natural progression regarding dating. If a man or woman complimented me, I was polite but it made me feel uncomfortable. Remember ... the first time someone was into me like that was that MAN! I was even good at unconvincing people if they had crushes on me.

The last year I tackled this issue more directly. Who do I want to be in life. I realized that despite burying my feelings, I now viewed myself as a good guy. I have slipped or acted out. Whatever you want to call it. And it's a struggle. What have I concluded about myself:

1. I am not gay. I have pondered this question. Despite my confusion ... I don't consider myself gay or bi or bi curious. I firmly believe that I was marked and altered by these events. I remember having my crush on Sabrina on Charlie's Angels. I remember sneaking kisses with Vivienne before Kindergarten class started. All the little boys thought I was gross. All I looked at in front of me was this cute little girl in pigtails that I wanted to know more.

2. I recently had a discussion with a man. It led to more frank discussions. He declared that he wanted more from me with regards to a relationship. I was honest about my feelings and told him of my past. He is a very successful man, highly educated and very charismatic. He wanted to move to Chicago to be with me. I spent the evening contemplating his confession. Again, I had another man who was into me. This time, it was out of genuine attractions vs. illegal and highly immoral motivations. This man said all the right things to me. He wanted to be my protector. He wanted to love me. So I tried to picture us as a couple. I tried to imagine us going out for brunch, going away to a B&B for the weekend, spending the evening over a homemade dinner and talking, etc.

Bottom line, I couldn't do it. My religion prohibits that. My immediate family would disown me. Despite these two factors ... I just couldn't do it. Religion and family had nothing to do with my decision. In the end, that is not who I am.

Yes, I struggle with this. However, sometimes knowing what you don't want in life is just as important as knowing what you do want in life. I know I don't want a man in my life for this purpose. I realize I can be emotionally intimate on a platonic, brotherly level with men ... and that is fine. I don't look at porn. I don't make any advances with other male survivors. I had a man that I encountered from another site who wanted to have some fun. I discovered he was a male survivor. I told him no. He was upset, he was pouting like a little kid, etc. In the end, I told him I will NOT enable his issues.

I guess it's baby steps for all of us ...

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#480673 - 04/13/15 03:12 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
smc1972 Offline


Registered: 10/17/14
Posts: 98
Loc: CA
SayItRight, thanks I amtrying but I don't give myself much credit. There is still so much inside of me I cants bring myself to talk about or even just say what is I feel and think.

Cafeman, I am ashamed to say I did not feel the hate or guilt at myself when things were occurring at the time. However later on as I got older I felt shame for what happened and the fact I was a willing party. Now as I am older it has messed with me so much espically sexually. I have never said anything to my parents who were the abusers as I still have so much conflict within myself.

Don't get down on yourself about your body. I have and do the same to myself yet I am coming to realize it is not my choice. I wish none of this would have happen for anyone. I know for me I'm have a more difficult time as I got older.

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#480845 - 04/16/15 06:28 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: CafeMan]
CafeMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/18/13
Posts: 155
Loc: Chicago
I was abused for seven months by my (ex) brother in law. During that time, my grade school had our first co-ed formal dance. All of us boys and girls were excited. The girls were planning their dresses; the boys were buying our new suits; and we all were practicing the latest Michael Jackson and Prince moves for the dance floor.

My buddies and I were asking the girls out to the dance. I asked Dawn. I knew she had a crush on me. She was more developed than the other girls and carried herself more as a teenager instead of a preteen.

I remember picking her up from her house and seeing her beautiful white and pink dress that her mother made. I felt I was the luckiest boy there. We all got together at the dance and had a great time. My buddies and I were high five-ing each other; the girls were all giggling and complimenting each dress. We all got along. We all danced as a group, danced separately and slow danced. Dawn pulled me in close and we danced cheek to cheek. It didn't get better than this. Despite the current issues that were facing me, I felt like a normal, regular boy!

It was time to say goodnight. Each parent went to pick up each child. My date left before I did. We sneaked a kiss before the chaperones caught wind of it. It was my turn to get picked up and go home.

I was expecting either my father or one of my older brothers to collect me. Instead, it was HIM: my (ex) brother in law, my abuser, my violator, my negative reinforcer. My awesome night of feeling like the "All American Kid" was now turning me more like a poster child for an abuse hotline. The family went to a movie. He was "kind" enough to stay behind and pick me up. I asked to go home, but he said they were all meeting at my sister's condo just a few blocks from the school. My family were not to be expected for more than another hour.

TRIGGER WARNING: The three block car ride was the longest ride of my life. I just put my head down. I knew what was coming. He made small talk with me and asked how my evening went. I replied with short answers. At this point, all the excitement I had previously felt had disappeared. I just became very quiet and withdrawn. We got out of the car, walked through the courtyard while he had his hand on my back as if guiding me. I remember going upstairs and finally entering the condo where he double locked the door, so that he would have warning when my sister was arriving. We made small talk, he started to abuse me, I struggled and I prayed for the damn hour to go by fast ...

The point of the story is that there are several memories that I had during my seven months of hell. This was one of the more symbolic moments where I believe evil tried to overtake some goodness. I used the word negative reinforcer earlier because that is what he was. As we all know, sexual development can be awkward and challenging for non abused boys. However, when you add the issues of CSA and the constant reinforcement of a man touching you during puberty, it does increase your chances of experiencing same sex attraction or sexual exploration. I don't want to focus on nomenclature, but this horrible incident was never a light switch to activate innate homosexual tendencies prior to my abuse. If one is gay, that's fine. I applaud anyone to live their life and pursue what they feel within themselves. However, these incidents have distorted several men, including myself, to reevaluate our sexual development, to have severe doubts and to have major remorse. This is a learning process, I have come to terms with some things and I have ways to go--like we all do, both gay and straight.

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#480866 - 04/17/15 04:57 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 419
Loc: west coast
The simple and true answer is NO.

Is it an appreciation of a beautiful body whether female or male? Its not what it has come to mean on this site. Tainted mainly by religious origins(it is not a recognized psychological term) with the archaic concepts of sin, guilt and shame straight from the bronze age, it has come to mean the desire to have sex with another man. Not just an attraction, but an actual inherent desire to be sexual with that person.

The reason or basis for the desire is completely irrelevant. If you are genuinely sexually attracted to and enjoy sex with the opposite sex, then also having SSA is just a part of your sexual palate. If you are a man who has an overwhelming desire to be with a man, yet letting situation or society dictate that you should be with a woman, then you are living a lifestyle that is not congruent to your true self.

What you do with it is completely up to you. Fretting about the reasons, or fighting your inner most desire is a waste of time and a sad waste of life.
" you made your bed, so you should lie in it"
"its not what I want"
'Its not me"
"I don't want to live that lifestyle"
"I wouldn't feel like this if it wasn't for CSA'

All these are specious and destructive defensive postures of non self acceptance. A bi guy loves his wife or gf and just happens to also enjoy having sex with men. He is not living a lifestyle, he is just being. Happy ending on many levels.

But a man who is in or seeks a relationship with a woman not because of his true desire but of societal , religious or self homophobia IS living a lifestyle. Its not really him. And that will always end in an unfulfilled life with sadness, regret and tragic unnecessary loneliness.

So it doesn't matter if the feelings never go away, because of course they won't, it only matters what they mean to you. And the only way that can be understood is when we are unafraid to truly live a live that marries our inner desires and wants with someone who can truly meet those needs, regardless of what sex they are. Hand ringing and navel gazing get us nowhere. We are here, we are now, living exists only in the present.

“If someone is able to show me that what I think or do is not right, I will happily change, for I seek the truth, by which no one was ever truly harmed. It is the person who continues in his self-deception and ignorance who is harmed.”

Marcus Aurelius 160 AD


Edited by 1lifenow (04/17/15 05:02 AM)
_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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#480877 - 04/17/15 09:44 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
CafeMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/18/13
Posts: 155
Loc: Chicago
I was denied so much by my abuser. While I sincerely appreciate your input, I will not let you DENY what I am feeling or how I may express it or how I should handle it.

I applaud your decision to find a solution to your previous agony. I am pleased that you believe that you are happy. I choose a different path for happiness, as do so many other men. For me, religion and family are major factors in my life. However, as much as I love God and family, I want and will achieve a heterosexual foundation. That foundation is not because I "wish" it to be there due to some of the reasons that were pointed out in the above post. I know it is simply there as part of my inner being. It's about rectifying what is not right in our lives. You believe to have rectified it by coming out and just being (again, that's great for YOU). I try to rectify it a different way. In the end, it's about choices and we should all support the choices we make, regardless if we agree or not.

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#480880 - 04/17/15 11:28 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: CafeMan]
Jay1946 Offline


Registered: 08/08/13
Posts: 135
Loc: Miami, Florida, USA
Originally Posted By: CafeMan
As we all know, sexual development can be awkward and challenging for non abused boys. However, when you add the issues of CSA and the constant reinforcement of a man touching you during puberty, it does increase your chances of experiencing same sex attraction or sexual exploration. I don't want to focus on nomenclature, but this horrible incident was never a light switch to activate innate homosexual tendencies prior to my abuse. If one is gay, that's fine. I applaud anyone to live their life and pursue what they feel within themselves. However, these incidents have distorted several men, including myself, to reevaluate our sexual development, to have severe doubts and to have major remorse. This is a learning process, I have come to terms with some things and I have ways to go--like we all do, both gay and straight.


So well said!
_________________________
Jay

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#480882 - 04/17/15 11:50 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: 1lifenow]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 196
Loc: USA
!!!Trigger Warning!!!

1lifenow, It sounds like you have found the truth and the path that makes sense for you and maybe for others here as well. And I am glad you have found a way to find freedom and love.

With all do respect, I wonder if you could be transferring your ability to embrace a gay life style and find true happiness as the only true path for ssa.

For sake of argument let's say your path and destination is the only true path for some one who has ssa.

I still feel like you are saying to me that my struggle is foolish that where I am in my journey, if I have ssa, must lead to your same destination. I think you maybe oversimplifying this as it applies to me and by extension, possibly others as well.

I wish I lived in a world of no cost. Where there was no cost to try something new or follow the desire of my hart. A world where my choices and actions left me unscathed. A world where what I do would have no impact on others.

I have not found that to be the case and have given up all hope for that world.

I have a lot of damage and distortion from csa. If I followed my hart I would be dead 1000 times over.

I learned that the only way to be loved and valued by a man was to be avalable for sex.
I learn that if you give them what they want they will not hurt you and may like you. I learn they all hate me. I learnd to hate them. I learned to hate myself. I learned to wish I was dead. I learned to stop wishing.

Some of my ssa is conected for a need to be loved and valued. Some of it is conected to a need to be abused, discarded and extinguished. If I think about being loved and cared for by a man the sexual desiors fade away and turn to a need to be safe and secure in that non sexual protection. My perp used that need and a lot of others to manipulate and control until l believed I hade no choise but respond as his puppet.

I don't think our paths are the same. I wish they were it sounds like you have a good life that you wish others could have as well. Thanks for that!

My formula for surivial and happiness would probably not work for anyone here. And that's got to be ok if I am ever going to learn to relate to others who are difrent that I am.
In hopes that someone might be able to accept me and my uniqueness.

I live with a complexed reality that is far from integrated. SSA is one of those complexitys. Yet as I heal and address each aspects of myself with love and acceptance I have found more and more resolution.

Freedom from ssa, I think we are in agreement on this, is not the point. Resolving the conflict is the real freedom. How we do this, I think, will likely look a bit difrent for each of us.

Peace

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#480886 - 04/17/15 01:22 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: SmartShadow]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 2240
Originally Posted By: SmartShadow
!!!Trigger Warning!!!


Some of my ssa is conected for a need to be loved and valued. Some of it is conected to a need to be abused, discarded and extinguished. If I think about being loved and cared for by a man the sexual desiors fade away and turn to a need to be safe and secure in that non sexual protection. My perp used that need and a lot of others to manipulate and control until l believed I hade no choise but respond as his puppet.




I believe these points need to be examined. The abuser does leave us with an imprint, how impactful it is to one will be different to someone else. Many here talk about this struggle. The struggle requires a rewiring of the impulses of the abuse and not any attempt to rewire ones true orientation. Orientation cannot be changed but the imprint of the abuse can be changed. The message left by the abuse is complex from creating the need to be loved to having the need to relive the abuse. In the end the message is not valid because one does not derive love from abuse and reliving the abuse does not remove the damage done by the abuser. For some reason the brains of many victims become wired to believe this falsity as truth. Only on healing do we learn it was our guilt and shame that allowed us to believe these feelings.

In the end, I think all anyone is looking for is peace to live their lives as who they truly are and not to be haunted by the abuse and the feelings we hold from the abuse. Who we are has many innate characteristics that cannot be changed.

It has been an interesting thread to follow. I think the responses are more similar than dissimilar.

Kevin

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#480913 - 04/17/15 08:48 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 1054
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
I have identified as gay for 46 years now, and am becoming open to the idea that that may not be all that is true for me. I'm fine with being gay, although becoming truly comfortable with being gay still requires work as social and cultural beliefs contain vibrations that are often unkind to me being gay. Feeling safe being gay is still an issue. HOWEVER, I have had a lifetime of difficulties that reflect the same discomfort I read from ssa posts, in that they are compulsions that, for me, have nothing to do with sexual attraction and are tied up in damage from my abuse. This type of attraction has always been dehumanizing for me and has never had anything to do with healthy loving. I'm grateful for this discussion, as it allows me to express myself in ways I've never been able to bring into focus before. And, this focus is allowing me to feel more integrated, to feel more whole.

Thanks,

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#480952 - 04/18/15 06:33 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 981
Loc: michigan
I feel I am just the opposite don. I have always been attracted more to guys then females. I do think that is due to the early abuse by females. I never found the female form fascinating or attractive. and I hid what I felt like many do and I still keep it to myself pretty much,in fact I hesitate to put it down here.
Thing is I found a woman who loves me. she loves me more than I can imagine, certainly more than I love me. AND I love her. we have been married going on 29 years and still going.when I met her I was suicidal,alone and hurting and she took me from that and walked with me and allowed me to discover what I know now. I love HER. not her sex or her gender. The ssa feelings are still what they have always been, but I would not give up the last 29 years for anything.
I think that the realm of human sexuality is so amazingly diverse and the things that drive it are beyond our ability to measure. I think that it is important that you be able to live with your total self. and I am glad so many here have reached that point.
_________________________
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

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#480975 - 04/19/15 12:15 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
bey Offline


Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 324
Loc: canada
I really relate to what you wrote, newground. Ive always felt more attracted to women, but the anxiety and intensity I would feel in a hetro relationship was always so intense I would date men for a while to get my balance and then try again. I was raised to beleive that bisexual was the ideal and never had an issue with being in a gay relationship. I would always end up being drawn back to women, try a relationship, have major issues with anxiety and expectation and end it.
Then I met a man and fell in love. And he loves me. And we make it work. I still am attracted to women, but I am happy to wake up next to him in the morning.My feelings towards women are what they've always been, but I feel safe and satisfied in my marriage.
I dont usually wonder if I have ssa or osa or why I am attracted to anyone. Everything about me and my life has affected my sexuality. For better or for worse, I am happy with who I am.
_________________________
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

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#481000 - 04/19/15 08:23 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 419
Loc: west coast
great comments
thanks men for your heart felt sharing.

But saying I think being gay is the final phase of csa not at all what i am saying. Embracing who you are is. I would never diminish ones experience or journey we all must go through. What sadly is the case though is men don't allow themselves to feel honestly, because we have been programmed to feel as we "should".

John Gray said:
When you acknowledge that there is NOTHING repulsive or unforgivable or shameful about yourself, it becomes easier to be that authentic person and feel like you're living a less performed life.

This thread is about sexuality though, so when whether it is str8 men, gay men or bi men trying to adopt or perform a life that's not truly theirs, this is where the disconnect is so sad. CSA is about looking backwards and coming to grips and understanding as best we can what the fuck that was all about. Sexuality is about moving forward with our lives and allowing ourselves to embrace without judgement what ever our true spirit dictates. However the CSA affected us with the trauma then, if we allow it to be blamed for how we feel about ourselves and sexuality now, then it allows the pain and hurt to continue. It would be a disservice to minimize anyones pain. No we can't just shut it off but we don't have to give it that power.

Ultimately each of us must make a choice not about what our sexuality is but about how we want to live our lives. There is no 'acting out' , there are healthier and less healthy sexual choices. It just saddens me when so much self judgement is put on ourselves going forward when all of us have had to deal with and feel all that hurt looking back. I wish only happiness and resolution for anyone that has gone through what we have, especially when it comes to accepting our own needs and realizing we are not alone and we are ALL loveable whatever our sexuality.
_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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#481071 - 04/21/15 06:39 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 370
Loc: Iowa, USA
I've always identified as being straight, although I have experienced SSA. Consequently, I've engaged in sex with men, anonymously, multiple times which contrasts to the sex I had with women, which usually occurred while I was in a relationship, especially as I've gotten older. When I acted out, it was never about the other person, it was about taking charge, recreating the abuse, and asserting myself, as opposed to being weak and dominated which describes the original CSA.

As I've done the work to heal and undo the shame, and embarrassment I felt, I realize that there were moments of real connection to my perp, where he embraced me, made me feel safe and protected me from evil. At the time of the abuse, I didn't comprehend that he was the evil he was protecting me from. At the age of 11, I didn't have the emotional and psychological maturity needed to see the situation as it actually was. I only saw it as being safe rather than being as scared little boy. Is this sense of being protected an indication that I'm not straight, like I thought I was, but in actuality, is an indication that I'm gay? Is it protection I'm seeking, without regard to the perp's sex/gender, or is it a true connection to another man that I'm experiencing? Is the drive to achieve safety, the absence of which contributed to setting me up for abuse, and which is often lacking in my life even now, pushing me to seek out men for these encounters, because men were the abusers and false-protectors? Is this desire for safety happening at the expense of sex with women which I've always felt is my true desire? Is it crazy to be 50 and questioning my sexual orientation? I've always thought my default orientation is straight. I've always dreamed of falling in love with a woman and getting married. I love sex with women and being allowed access to her body is undeniably satisfying. The sex I've had with men may feel good physically, but I feel dissociated and only there to seek that sense of protection that was critically important in my past, because during the acts of CSA, I was a scared little boy who only wanted to be told everything will be okay. Achieving that sense of harmony is more often than not unsuccessful and the emotional chaos left behind is damaging to my well being. However, when the sense of being safe is achieved, it is good. The foundation on which my identity and self worth is based currently is shaky and being tested. How do I achieve truth and recognize what is real? Life is too short to be struggling in this way, and I'd like to finish life authentically.
Thanks
Dave

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#481101 - 04/22/15 08:12 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: CafeMan]
pete1973 Offline


Registered: 01/02/14
Posts: 51
Loc: Ontario, Canada
CafeMan,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings, very intense indeed and more indepth than some of our conversations.
I can relate to your thoughts and feelings. Everything changed the day that scumbag tricked me to come in the house and go into that room for a "tip" for being a good paperboy.
I lost all trust in everyone at that point, close family excluded, and was so embarrassed and ashamed that I was fooled into it and to this day I beat myself up knowing that my gut told me not to go up those stairs. I didn't want anyone to know what happened and at the time I thought of it as what a fool I was and I lost all interest in girls and my guy friends were kept at arm's length and few, the less people in my life the less I had to try to hide what happened. Then to make me more confused, after grade 8 I had 2 experiences with a couple of friends involving masturbating and receiving oral and knowing that they were cool with it I thought it was good and really enjoyed it and for a moment I thought maybe I could have a normal sex life after all but no word was spoken about what we did like it was a big, shameful secret and only made me more confused so I hid the best I could through high school and masturbated frequently whenever I felt sexually aroused to prevent me from showing any interest sexually in anyone.
My first sexual partner when I was 19 was a woman older than me that only wanted to have sex with me because she never had a virgin before so all I was to her was a piece of meat and a well endowed one at that which made her keep messing with my head for a couple of years on and off. I so wanted to be "normal" that being a guy having sex with a woman that I let her use me for ANYTHING she wanted and she cleaned out my bank account, ruined my name and credit and had me so stoned for so long I forgot names of people I went to school with. She even tricked me into smoking a joint laced with cocaine and thought it was hilarious that I froze up, my heart raced and I thought I was going to die.
So the abuse started at 11 but continued in different ways for years, even as an adult at work where I felt obligated to be taken advantage of by my supervisors and when I wasn't I thought I was doing something wrong.
Once I started therapy I learned to separate the effects of the abuse from my true personal feelings and I know I truly have an interest in the same sex, more of a penis fixation but it has nothing to do with the abuse. What I had to learn was to not let this attraction lead to victimization because I still believed I had to be used to be liked and would even try to get the guy to abuse me. This is no longer the case.
I am not gay, I could never see myself living with another man and although I am not ashamed of my sexuality I could never see me expressing my interests in public, I still rarely look at big breasted women directly no matter how much I want to look.
Another thing I am finding is that at 41 I am still afraid to touch anyone in a way that isn't sexual. I can look at sex as just that, but I am afraid of intimacy as I am very vulnerable when I show that side of me and I have been married almost 1 years and still have difficulties being intimate and scared shitless to tell her as the little kid trapped in me is afraid of being yelled at for being this way.
I find so much shame, embarrassment, anger and humiliation trapped in me that I know I could harness it all and hurt someone really bad, I don't want to but it is there and I had to quit work as I was ready to hurt my boss.

Originally Posted By: CafeMan
The one thing that I HATED about my abuse the most was the lack of control over my body. I hated, hated, hated that. I hated when the man pinned me down, and I hated that his physical touch led to an arousal. I was a very shy young boy but came from a very assertive family. Therefore, I knew what I liked and did not like. From day one, I did not want this abuse. It led to extreme shame and disgust.

I buried my sexuality after my abuse ended at 12. After all ... a MAN liked ME! Ewww, ewww, ewww!!! So I never talked about girls. I found them attractive. However, I believe I was conditioned about sexual development from a man--regardless if it is abuse or not. So I believe my viewpoints regarding sex was distorted.

The lack of control I exhibited led to extreme embarrassment. To this day, I still get very sad when I remember how I told my father about the abuse. From a man to man perspective (even though I was 12), it was the most disturbing thing I ever did. I had turned out the lights so I could hide in the darkness because I couldn't look at my father in the eye.

The point is that while I was at the peak of my sexual development, I suppressed a lot of mental development. My first sexual experiences were not natural. I wish I could say I fooled around with a girl behind the school building the way my brothers did. I wish I could say that I lost my virginity the way my brothers did. I buried it all and delayed my progress. At the same time ... I felt like a failure not living up to my father's or brothers' natural progression regarding dating. If a man or woman complimented me, I was polite but it made me feel uncomfortable. Remember ... the first time someone was into me like that was that MAN! I was even good at unconvincing people if they had crushes on me.

The last year I tackled this issue more directly. Who do I want to be in life. I realized that despite burying my feelings, I now viewed myself as a good guy. I have slipped or acted out. Whatever you want to call it. And it's a struggle. What have I concluded about myself:

1. I am not gay. I have pondered this question. Despite my confusion ... I don't consider myself gay or bi or bi curious. I firmly believe that I was marked and altered by these events. I remember having my crush on Sabrina on Charlie's Angels. I remember sneaking kisses with Vivienne before Kindergarten class started. All the little boys thought I was gross. All I looked at in front of me was this cute little girl in pigtails that I wanted to know more.

2. I recently had a discussion with a man. It led to more frank discussions. He declared that he wanted more from me with regards to a relationship. I was honest about my feelings and told him of my past. He is a very successful man, highly educated and very charismatic. He wanted to move to Chicago to be with me. I spent the evening contemplating his confession. Again, I had another man who was into me. This time, it was out of genuine attractions vs. illegal and highly immoral motivations. This man said all the right things to me. He wanted to be my protector. He wanted to love me. So I tried to picture us as a couple. I tried to imagine us going out for brunch, going away to a B&B for the weekend, spending the evening over a homemade dinner and talking, etc.

Bottom line, I couldn't do it. My religion prohibits that. My immediate family would disown me. Despite these two factors ... I just couldn't do it. Religion and family had nothing to do with my decision. In the end, that is not who I am.

Yes, I struggle with this. However, sometimes knowing what you don't want in life is just as important as knowing what you do want in life. I know I don't want a man in my life for this purpose. I realize I can be emotionally intimate on a platonic, brotherly level with men ... and that is fine. I don't look at porn. I don't make any advances with other male survivors. I had a man that I encountered from another site who wanted to have some fun. I discovered he was a male survivor. I told him no. He was upset, he was pouting like a little kid, etc. In the end, I told him I will NOT enable his issues.

I guess it's baby steps for all of us ...

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