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#329558 - 04/24/10 05:44 AM Does ssa feelings ever go away ?
james 1959 Offline


Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 283
Having come throught many years of hell not realy knowing who i was and fighting with my self about ssa i was wondering during the recovery period do these feeling for ssa leave you or do you simply have to live and deal with the fealing for ssa. To date my feeling have died down alot i would like to hear from other guys like my self how they have dealt and lived with ssa

Thanks James

_________________________
We are brothers on a journey,and companions on the road
We are here to help each other share the burden and the Load

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#329566 - 04/24/10 07:54 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6815
Loc: USA
James,

For me the answer is yes. I caught a lot of abuse as a child and my mother and father were both goofed up. This led to a lot of quandary as to my own feelings.

But yes, with a lot of counseling and not acting on those feelings, the ssa is down to 5% or so. At this point I feel attraction to female features but I'm too old to run with it.

Allen

pufferfish whistle


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#329832 - 04/26/10 02:54 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: pufferfish]
Shaun The Sheep Offline


Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
*



Edited by Shaun The Sheep (04/01/11 11:32 AM)

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#329840 - 04/26/10 03:28 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
I won't begin to prescribe or proscribe a course of action for others but for me the SSA became a non issue when I decided to just quit worrying about it. I did that for decades and all I got out of it was shame. Figured I'd try another approach. (see my sig line below)

Do I find myself attracted to guys? Some, but so what? Besides, I've discovers it's the fantasy of the mind that is so appealing to me. I don't find myself jonesin' for my friends and it doesn't mean I have to destroy my family to "try it out" what it's like. At this point in my life I have family and other relationships that I treasure and I prefer to not make a mess of that.

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#329851 - 04/26/10 05:14 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: WalkingSouth]
Shaun The Sheep Offline


Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
Hear hear ...


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#329862 - 04/26/10 07:19 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
brother2none Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/30/09
Posts: 262
Loc: Undisclosed
I'm a year into recovery. For me, I still find some guys attractive but the sexual arousal and fantasy parts are gone. This has been a huge surprise for me. I thought I'd always be sexually aroused by same sex. I was abused at 7 and then at 14-20 so feeling the ssa was what I always knew from the beginning of puberty. I'm married and my wife and I are enjoying each other better than ever.


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#329980 - 04/27/10 03:12 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: pufferfish]
james 1959 Offline


Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 283
Your reply gives me good hope and encouragement for the furture pufferfish thanks for your comments

James



Edited by james 1959 (04/27/10 03:14 PM)
_________________________
We are brothers on a journey,and companions on the road
We are here to help each other share the burden and the Load

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#330160 - 04/29/10 12:48 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 858
Loc: washington
James...

when I think about stuff like this it leads me into this crazy questioning loop...which in the end makes me feel rather psychotic...

I feel that there is possible wisdom in accepting the fact that I don't have to have and perhaps will never have all the answers...

This leads me to pomosexuality...(labels are for soup cans type of thinking)...and moves me away from shame based...rather liberating don't you think...???


My Carousel (Finger Eleven) ~or~ Love The One You're With (Crosby, Stills & Nash)

island




_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#333306 - 06/08/10 05:57 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
TW16 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 06/11/09
Posts: 157
Loc: Utah
I too have ssa. To be honest, I don't think ssa feeling will ever go away. I think they can become less intense and not very noticeable at times, but I don't think they completely go away.

There have been times where my ssa has been extremely overwhelming, and then there have been times where I barely even notice that I have them, (but I never notice any feelings for womn.)

Anyway, that's what I think.

TW16


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#333336 - 06/09/10 12:15 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: TW16]
ryan_a Offline


Registered: 06/05/10
Posts: 7
I think we are all a little too hard on ourselves. Everyone has some perception of what "hot" is. All of my non-abused friends would be able to say what guys are better looking than others. I mean I am attracted to women all the time, it doesn't mean that it has to be sexual. I would agree that we might allow our looks to linger a bit more, but that is just because our abuse has caused us to be hyper-sexual. I have no problem admitting that I find an athletic guy to be good looking. He is "my type." Why does that have to go away? It isn't like we are trolling behind them trying to get a look down their pants or smell them. So you look, so what? So an image is in your head sometimes during sex with a woman, so what? Why is it some deep dark secret of which we must be ashamed? I say just go with it and be happy. As long as your action fit your life, obligations, and comfort level...don't worry so much about your fantasies. It is true that I may look at a certain type of guy for a minute, but I also think Beyonce' is hot as hell. Maybe we just have the best of both worlds. But that might just be my optimism.


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#344239 - 11/05/10 06:47 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: WalkingSouth]
Cres Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/28/06
Posts: 6
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: WalkingSouth
I won't begin to prescribe or proscribe a course of action for others but for me the SSA became a non issue when I decided to just quit worrying about it. I did that for decades and all I got out of it was shame. Figured I'd try another approach. (see my sig line below)

Do I find myself attracted to guys? Some, but so what? Besides, I've discovers it's the fantasy of the mind that is so appealing to me. I don't find myself jonesin' for my friends and it doesn't mean I have to destroy my family to "try it out" what it's like. At this point in my life I have family and other relationships that I treasure and I prefer to not make a mess of that.


Walking South, did you have to explore your SSA with another man before you came to having peace with it or were you able to reach this state by just letting it go?

_________________________
Cres

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#346490 - 11/29/10 12:53 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: ryan_a]
Nas Offline


Registered: 11/22/10
Posts: 18
Loc: NJ
I am sure that i am attracted to women and have only dated women in the past, but I must admit that I have a real struggle with ssa. I am currently having a strong ssa with a co-worker, I am a man of faith and I have prayed hard and tried to do some mental exercise to try and change my way of thinking but if seems to becoming a trying and difficult thing to change. It is the thing for me that get's in the way of me having a relationship, it also very difficult because I have no one to talk to about this and it cause me to be depressed


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#346497 - 11/29/10 07:00 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: Nas]
Nas Offline


Registered: 11/22/10
Posts: 18
Loc: NJ
I also just want to thank all of you for talking about ssa, it is such a help to me to know that I am not alone in this struggle,in all the many years I have only talked to one other person about my struggle with ssa Thanks guys


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#346508 - 11/29/10 08:37 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: Nas]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
As i work through my abuse and learn to share shame that keeps me small, I
see my attraction to other males in a clearer light. (note: as a recovering sex addict I acted out sexually and compulsively with men for years before I got honest and found help. I consider my acting out a symptom of csa. Csa initiated me into sexual contact with males and shut me down emotionally-so part of my was always trapped as a nine year old with an absent father, longing for affirmationmand approval of men, and for me a desire to be in control sexually with male partners.

So when I live life with honesty, have healhy male fellowship, admit my issues with brothers in my program and sponsor, I end up with affirmation, approval, and a degree of control in my life. The SSA goes away. When I take care of my body I don't seek masculinity thru sex-i honor my self.

Seeing Others and connecting with them as people-not sexual objects to be used and discarded-helps too.

Namaste

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#346512 - 11/29/10 08:42 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: Mountainous Buck]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
MB,

You da man. You have the answers. I need to think and meditate on this one.

I have failed to deal with my ssa? I am so inadequate in dealing with them.

I admit I have them less and less and NEVER knew the love of a good woman.

I am glad you all write here.

Donnie

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#346513 - 11/29/10 08:49 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: Avery46]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
This is my actual experience.

Wait til we discuss how our mothers made us fear and loathe women!

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#346644 - 11/30/10 08:50 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: Mountainous Buck]
CheerfulJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/10
Posts: 141
Loc: England (at the moment)
SSA down to 2% maybe 1% if not less. Once i saw it for what it was 'sexualised longing for friendship, intimacy, etc', it lost most of its power. Recognising a 'template' boy that all others were compared to, and smashing that idol....it's shrinking even faster. Major issue for years. Still dealing with depression and doormat-ism etc.

lots of love
CJ

PS I still think it's a bloody great miracle that i'm happily married with children!

_________________________
Wolves will live with lambs. Leopards will lie down with goats. Calves, young lions, and year-old lambs will be together, and little children will lead them.

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#346751 - 12/01/10 12:58 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: CheerfulJohn]
gettingalong Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/21/07
Posts: 42
Thanks for bringing this subject up Cres. I don't know if it's the anti-anxiety meds or working through this lately, but my ssa has decreased in the past couple months. It seems as I'm truly seeking a more intimate relationship with my wife, although difficult some days, the ssa is taking a back seat. I've also been experiencing some moments when I'm NOT passive and just allow others to control me...so there is hope! Lots of it.

Keep on keepin on.

I'm with Cheerful John! It's a miracle I am married with children too.


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#346756 - 12/01/10 01:52 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: Mountainous Buck]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Mountainous Buck

Wait til we discuss how our mothers made us fear and loathe women!


I am waiting....hehehehehe

I agree with MB about the ssa going away.

Sincerely, I am learning and growing.

I am so enjoying hearing all of you.

Donnie

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#346814 - 12/01/10 10:05 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: Avery46]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Ok, I'll bite on the mother question.

Early in therapy for sex addiction, my T asked a lot of questions about my family background, sexual messaging growing up, etc. ALOT of questions that irritated me.

At the next session, my wife was present and my T says he thinks I was taught to be "heterophobic"!

Looking back, I can recite a laundry list of incidents where I was shamed out of sexual feelings towards heterosexual sex. Male sexuality was just not welcome around the women in my family, and I adopted those beliefs that "men are dogs", women think "sex is disgusting", making out with a girl was "inappropriate", etc. etc.

All those early beliefs and experiences I had to vomit up out of my deep inside self-those were not MINE. They belonged to others in my family and I needed to make room for my own authentic sexuality without other's imposed beliefs, shame, or hang-ups.

Gradually my body without these ideas and beliefs, and WITHOUT resorting to sex (porn, Ma*(*bation, etc.) - my body began to wake up to a new authentic, physical and integral sexuality.

Only by abstaining for a period of intense self-examination and reflection on my sexual history and origins did this happen.

Funny enough, the csa piece remained suppressed until several years later when my perp died and my father had passed-I think family loyalty and a deep feeling of un-safety kept the csa piece buried until I was strong and free enough to face it.

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#347491 - 12/08/10 03:08 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: CheerfulJohn]
Patrick Walsh Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/08
Posts: 22
Loc: PA
Cheerful john,

Template boy sounds interesting. What do you mean by that and how did it help

I'm interested

Thanks Pat now

_________________________
I'm a good person. I'm a good man. I'm a postive force and I will not be shamed.

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#347492 - 12/08/10 03:15 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: CheerfulJohn]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: CheerfulJohn
PS I still think it's a bloody great miracle that i'm happily married with children!


I am happy for you John.

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#347493 - 12/08/10 03:29 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: Mountainous Buck]
Patrick Walsh Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/08
Posts: 22
Loc: PA
Hey guys,

Lots to think about. I usually acted out my SSA in gay porn. VEry specific. Always masculine. Never twiniks. I'm 50 and married. And happily so. The guilt though has been hurtful and teh shame that somehow I'm broken. But i've been reading that this is a defense to overpower the male perp and give ma a feeling of strength. I did act out, but that was years ago and hurt my wife deeply. IF you an avoid, please do.

I don't believe the porn is a long term solution. And I do agree that healthy relationships with a wide variety of men is especailly helping me to see myself differently.

If I let go of the shameful image of myself, what would I replace it with? A healthy one. With Mast for pleasure, not power. and intimacy with my wife.

I tned to agree the more I move away from porn, and just either have fantasies or not. It doens't really matter. It just it. It's doesnt' have to be fixed. It just is. My reaction to it? I would like it to be "non event".


Also, I haven't thought of the hypocrisy of women who talk about men, but think its' so wrong if men do it. I grew up in a household like that. But, I didn't think about it. It was supporting women who were oppressed by men. Just like me. I didn't realize it could be shaming me. From both sides. From men and from women. WOW.

I'ts thorny. But I appreciate the opinions and have learned a lot. I hope to get to the it doesn't matter point. We're all OKAY just the way we are.

_________________________
I'm a good person. I'm a good man. I'm a postive force and I will not be shamed.

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#348408 - 12/17/10 08:56 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: Patrick Walsh]
CheerfulJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/10
Posts: 141
Loc: England (at the moment)
Not sure how it works but It was absolutely sealed in my mind from a boy who was an onlooker while another boy initiated me through a 'minor' ceremony. All those who seemed to queue up to do stuff to me throughout school and beyond were compared to him even though I was unaware of this until many years later.

Those who looked like him held me captive even when totally ignorant of my existence.

Recognizing it, seeing envy as the root, and seeing that he wronged me even though he was just a spectator finally broke it about 4 years ago.

It maybe that I somehow disassociated 'onto him' somehow?

The boy who did the speaking and actions resembles all those who abused me from 10 to 19.

Sorry for such a slow reply.

Blessings
CJ

_________________________
Wolves will live with lambs. Leopards will lie down with goats. Calves, young lions, and year-old lambs will be together, and little children will lead them.

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#354344 - 02/21/11 02:22 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: ryan_a]
alanhoops Offline


Registered: 02/21/11
Posts: 21
I think there are triggers that can come up at any time to make me aroused about some guy. I might then fantasize a lot about the guy. Then I feel guilty and confused. But when I realize that the fantasy is about being dominated or used or even abused I remind myself that it is not homosexuality as much as it is abuse and wanting to please a man so he'll like me or won't hurt me. I like what Ryan says about being too hard on ourselves.


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#354406 - 02/21/11 11:49 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: alanhoops]
Shaun The Sheep Offline


Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
********************



Edited by Shaun The Sheep (04/01/11 11:16 AM)

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#354532 - 02/22/11 11:39 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
brother2none Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/30/09
Posts: 262
Loc: Undisclosed
Juni told me once, early in my being here at MS, something about the same sex attraction for us was really a relational problem, and it took me some time to process what this meant. I had come to view the natural desire for male companionship, friendship, as the same as sexual desire because of being abused at early ages. then again at 13-14. its what i knew. and as i learned how to gain acceptance through sexual activity, it deepened the relational connection i felt between me and men i was attracted to. in essence ,it was a way i was relating to adult males. and once that was recognized for what it is, then i could address it as false. it does lessen dramatically.


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#354748 - 02/24/11 08:12 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
TW16 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 06/11/09
Posts: 157
Loc: Utah
I have had ssa since I can remember, and I don't remember the feelings ever going away; however, they have become less intense. I have come to the point that I have accepted the feelings, but I am trying to not act on them.

TW


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#354977 - 02/26/11 09:03 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: ryan_a]
devon0 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/07/00
Posts: 45
Loc: TX, USA
Ryan_a - "Why is it some deep dark secret of which we must be ashamed? I say just go with it and be happy. "

Excellent point! Thanks for that.

_________________________
A life worth living.

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#355241 - 03/01/11 12:35 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: devon0]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
After a few more months have passed since posting in this thread AND closing in on 4 years of CSA therapy, I can say with confidence and joy my gayness/ssa has NOT gone away.

I believe all of us can be gay or straight or bi-sexual. I also believe that we can have attractions to others without any cauuse or reason.

As I find "joy" in my own self then I am finding joy in my sexuality.

Hopefully months/weeks ago, I did NOT upset anyone by what I said.

Donnie

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#355644 - 03/05/11 02:44 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
Rusty563 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/11
Posts: 200
Loc: Anywhere, USA
My last ssa experience was when I was 17 with a catholic priest (what a way to end screwing men, right?). But I've kept the fantasies alive (not about that bastard) for 40 years and whenever i'm feeling self-distructive i look at gay porn on the internet.

Here's the kicker - i've been married since 1983 and have remained faithful to my wife but my attraction to men has always been very strong. Sometimes I've though i was just bi. My psychiatrist says I never was gay even though I thought I was.

Anyway, I my hope, my dream, is that as I continue on with my recovery (which I've just begun)the attraction will deminish and one day go away.

You have my deepest sympathies and my best wishes. Hang in there.

_________________________
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you - Maya Angelous
Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed - Martin Luther King
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qF_qbaWt3Q
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDOkMSf-F14

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#355645 - 03/05/11 02:48 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: Avery46]
devon0 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/07/00
Posts: 45
Loc: TX, USA
Avery, if someone else is upset by your joy, too bad for them.

I am still ambiguous in my feelings, sometimes SSA sometimes not. Now, I think I look beyond a person's sex and, hopefully, into their soul. I have several good friends of both sexes and that's fine with me.... However,

Geeze but I'd love to have a romantic, I mean really romantic affair with someone. Not really sexual, just romantic, silly romance. You know what I mean? Where you are just head of heels in love with the other person? Where, no matter what you're doing, you're doing it together? I had that once, just one time, for a few months. I recall almost every minute of it. I remember those days waking up in the morning and knowing I have the world by the ass; even a cloudy day was sunny. But he was a victim of abuse, too, and he didn't realize what we had at the time. He called me a couple years later to tell me he was dying. It broke my heart but I couldn't go back there again. It was too painful. I didn't attend his funeral.

If I could experience those feelings again... well, I don't know... what the hell would I do with them? LOL At least I had it once, eh?

_________________________
A life worth living.

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#355764 - 03/07/11 01:46 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: devon0]
men_of_hrts.dbw Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/09
Posts: 301
Loc: Orchidland Big Island Hawaii
This was a baffling deal for me that started as intrusive flashbacks during sexual arousal and ever slowley I started to incorporate M/M fantasy into masterbation and was disgusted and turned on at the same time. I am 100% hetro with no homophobic issues so twice tried M/M sex, Drunk and unsucessful with anxiety/disbelief. Thirteen years after the assault I went solo and avoided/suppressed the repulsive attraction but the unwanted fantasies stayed during MB.
This was one of the first issues I came to grips with and was able to assocciate the SSA to the assault, especially when I read about it here. And it surfaced very quick since I was talking about the 3 decades of untreated post-assault sexual trauma and was aroused easily for about the first few months after disclosure. It was pretty easy to correct with understanding and practice. I used some custom ideas to get rid of it and I recall the first time I had success.
Took awhile but I have totally exorsized the thoughts and have been ready for the real thing for over a year.
I feel the unfair loss of my youth and a resentment when I compare my life to others, like I accomplished less regarding relationships.
I never lost the ease of rapport with women so I should do o'kay
Thanks

_________________________
Doug>ASA Survivor (1x)
ECV 6001/MaTuCa Chapter 1849
E Clampus Vitus
"What Say the Brethren"
"Hang the Bastards"

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#355810 - 03/07/11 02:31 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: men_of_hrts.dbw]
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
nothing is easy

and abuse fucks us up big time

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#355847 - 03/07/11 09:35 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: michael Joseph]
alanhoops Offline


Registered: 02/21/11
Posts: 21
Yes it is very hard. Sometimes I wish I wasn't born. I think I just need to accept because things seem to never be the way I hoped in my life. The potential and joy are buried under fear and shame. Some days are better than others but overall the affects of the abuse seem to win out. I am sad that there are so many people affected by CSA and I'm also comforted that I'm not alone and others are working hard to get better. Keep the faith.


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#421291 - 01/06/13 07:04 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
james 1959 Offline


Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 283
i asked this question a few years back does ssa evey go away ive found you learn to live with the feeling and its that its noting to work myself up about.
_________________________
We are brothers on a journey,and companions on the road
We are here to help each other share the burden and the Load

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#445368 - 08/24/13 05:33 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
james 1959 Offline


Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 283
Understanding where my feeling came from has helped me a lot theres nothing to be a shamed of having ssa it the understanding how life made me feel this way in the first place ihave gained that knowledge over the last 3 and half years and im happy with the result
_________________________
We are brothers on a journey,and companions on the road
We are here to help each other share the burden and the Load

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#448166 - 09/25/13 04:43 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 270
lets play a fill in the blank game.

SSA attraction goes away the minute you realize.....................

A- you don't have to be something you don't want to be.

B- you realize your gay.

c- None of the above

The author of this post wishes to make note that he believes all answers are correct in this game.
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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#453422 - 11/12/13 07:03 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: ryan_a]
jdsrip Offline


Registered: 06/07/12
Posts: 8
Thanks Ryan, nicely said esp ..."As long as your action fit your life, obligations, and comfort level...don't worry so much about your fantasies. It is true that I may look at a certain type of guy for a minute, but I also think Beyonce' is hot as hell."

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#453424 - 11/12/13 07:10 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
Frustrated Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 192
I experience the say attractions to men. I have been married for 27 years and I watch a lot of gay and bi porn. I'm not gay (not that there's anything wrong with that) but I have gay fantasies. I don't think it will ever go away. I was first sexually abused at 4 and for as long as I remember I have had those fantasies. I guess it depends on the person.

James

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#454762 - 11/22/13 08:41 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
I want to add I've been posting on here for a number of years and SSA has been a huge issue for me. I want others to know that it is possible to move past them. I am. And my true sexual nature beneath the SSA is coming to the forefront of my life.

When I have SSA, which are now relatively mild, I see the feeling as an echo or reverberation from the past and from my dysfunctional childhood and illusory. I've done a lot of work on exploring what SSA means for me through reading, therapy, on this board, on another board with guys who share similar views on SSA and it is truly working. I'm getting healthier in all areas of my life and my sexuality is just one more area.

That's for today and today only. I don't know what the future holds for me but I have been relieved (generally) of unwanted attractions that felt dysfunctional and never filling the real underlying needs. And if I have them, I don't get angry at myself for them. I understand them and move on.

I've been doing self-work for a long time now that I don't know what the next layer might contain so I don't hold on too tightly to what I learn or feel today. I try to remain open. I added this last paragraph in order to stress that SSA, for me, has been very specific in a way that made no sense. I was attracted to members of my own gender that varied from my day to day life. It was very obvious that who (the type of guy) I felt a electric attraction/connection to was a disconnect from my regular life that it couldn't be anything other than a problem. I knew it wasn't shame about that being my actual attraction and society not allowing it. I knew it was a glitch in my personal eco-system and needed to be cleared up. It is being cleared up.

Want to tell guys who have similar SSA, in whatever form, there is hope.
_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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#454894 - 11/23/13 04:12 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
Hopeful1 Offline


Registered: 07/22/09
Posts: 18
Loc: Pacific Northwest
I have found a few antidotes to SSA. I find that one of the best is giving myself permission to feel it. When I do that, they sometimes just vanish away. The nice thing about this one is it is relatively easy to accomplish. You tell yourself it's ok to have these feelings, that you don't have to act on them if you don't want to and what does it really matter if you have them or not? Accepting homosexuals in general can help you do this.

Another antidote is feeling like I am normal and good. That one can be harder to accomplish, depending on what's going on in my life.

A third is feeling loved. That one is not entirely under my control, though.

Over the years, as I have paid attention to the various things that trigger SSA feelings, I have decided that my adolescent experiences created a strong association between feelings that would otherwise be unrelated, feelings like fear, disgust, arousal, guilt and shame, all of which I associated with homosexuality.

Also, during my childhood and adolescent experiences, I felt accepted during sex, so when I feel rejected by the world I have sometimes turned to images of naked men to create a feeling of being accepted. It's not particularly helpful or healthy, but that is what is sometimes going on inside of me.
_________________________
Now hope that is seen is not hope, For who hopes for what he sees? (Rom. 8:24)

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#454896 - 11/23/13 04:47 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: james 1959]
Frustrated Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 192
SSA is another one of my many problems. In not gay and not attracted to men but when it comes to sex I have a lot of fantasies about men and I watch gay and bi porn. It's always a sexual thing. I have felt this for as long as i can remember Very rarely do I look at a guy and say to myself I could do him. I don't understand it. it doesn't bother me and I just go with it. I know it is part of me that came from my abuse. It's the least of things I have to worry about. I also think in time solving my other issues this one will fade. I guess what I'm thinking is dont stress out too much about it and not to focus on it too much.

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