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#32929 - 05/30/02 10:28 PM What should I do?????
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
OK I've been to 3 sections with my theripist, and all we talk about is "Hows the weather type stuff." ..... ofcourse I dont bring anything up.....and neither does she...........Should I or should she?......I have spent 3 hours talking this womans dog, flowers, daughter in law...etc........My wife wants me to find a different one to talk to..what should I do?
?????????????????????????

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#32930 - 05/30/02 10:49 PM Re: What should I do?????
goflyakiteV Offline
Member

Registered: 05/24/01
Posts: 66
Loc: n.a.
HI JAMES...THIS MAY SOUND WEIRD BUT, GO WITH HOW YOU FEEL WITH THE THERAPIST. I MEAN, DO YOU LIKE HER OR ARE YOU JUST TOO AFRAID TO TALK TO HER? MAYBE YOU WOULD BE MORE COMFORTABLE TALKING TO A MAN. YOU HAVE TO MAKE A DECISION AND YOU HAVE TO BE "COMFORTABLE" WITH THE THERAPIST TO GET ALONG WITH AND TALK TO.

WHEN I HAD THIS PROBLEM, I WOULD ASK MY THERAPIST TO TALK PLAINLY TO ME. AFTERALL, I WAS PAYING HIM......GOOD LUCK, SCOT


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#32931 - 05/30/02 10:52 PM Re: What should I do?????
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hi James. I went thru that with the lady therapist I was meeting with at Chapman University. Boring,boring,boring. So one day I described to her the sexual encounter my older sister and I had had the night before. This livened things up. Our subsequent meetings were productive.


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#32932 - 05/30/02 11:06 PM Re: What should I do?????
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
dont waste your time if she is not helping

you go to get help

ask yourself if she is helping you

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***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
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#32933 - 05/31/02 12:59 AM Re: What should I do?????
jerunamuck Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/19/01
Posts: 22
Loc: Maine
Bottom line is you're paying her, even if it's covered by insurance.

Some T's will wait until you engage so they know they aren't pushing you. Talk to her about what your expectations are, set some treatment goals (short and long term), Find out what you can expect from her... If you don't feel safe telling her what you wouldn't tell anybody or if you aren't making any progress despite trying to work it out then it's time to change T's.

I had on T who would change the subject any time I started talking about the abuse saying there wouldn't be any train wrecks here. I fired him!

I told the next T what happened and she explained his methodology (something he never bothered to do). WE decided on a different approach than what I expected. We set some small, short term goals, I got to work on the past in a way that didn't make me a basket case and work on a future in ways I never even thought of.


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#32934 - 05/31/02 02:43 AM .
Anonymous
Unregistered


.


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#32935 - 05/31/02 05:42 PM Re: What should I do?????
bosishere Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/14/01
Posts: 161
Loc: nashville,tn,usa
James, I agree with the other posts. If you aren't getting anything of what yoou and or your insurance wants, then find somebody else b4 going too far!! After 22 months of therapy I use the method of writing out via e-mail what I want to talk about re our 1 on 1, and I stick to that list. In the first months I would talk too damn much about my problems, or just talk to much without accomplishing anything. I also think it is better for a man to man talk, because one does get to the problems faster, and you don't have to be careful of how one does talk, and good luck. \:\) \:\) \:\) Bosishere


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#32936 - 05/31/02 06:34 PM Re: What should I do?????
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
James
My therapist works with the silent approach, he says so little, makes no suggestions and has never told me to actually do anything.
If I have nothing to say we sit in silence, I've tried to crack him and make him talk first but it's a hiding to nothing. I always crack first and start talking about the real deep and nasty stuff, I guess we all try to hold the worst stuff back, it's hard to disclose where we've been, what we've done and the pile of shit that live in our minds, but this technique works for me.
I end up suggesting stuff, ways I can help myself, ideas about what went on and what's happening now. Then he speaks, and usually agrees. What he's doing is forcing me to think so much deeper and harder than I ever did before.
I'm no rocket scientist that's for sure, I'm a engineering fitter that repairs sewage pumps, but I've always considered that I was smart enough to look after myself. But for 30 years I wasn't, I went round in circles thinking that each time I acted out or went into depression I could get myself out of it, but I couldn't, it just got worse.
But the reality was that I could, if I was pointed in the right direction which my therapist does. His silence forces me to think of all the angles, not just the easy ones. I could fucking kill him some times when he just sits there staring at me, but I wouldn't change him for the world now.
This might not be everybodys answer, but it was mine. I count myself as being VERY lucky.
Lloydy

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Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
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#32937 - 05/31/02 07:22 PM Re: What should I do?????
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
You've got to go with your gut feeling. Each person is different and each person needs different forms and things from therapy. It would make me very nervous (personally) if there was that much silence. I wouldn't personally be able to stand it.

If you feel like you trust this person, then explain that you find the sessions non productive. There are plenty of people that you can make small talk with but a therapist should be someone that you get into the hard stuff with. If you don't feel like you can trust her or talk about the non productive sessions, than I would agree with your wife that this person is not for you.

My therapist that I have now tends to ask me questions that I really don't want to answer. I try to squirm, wiggle and find my way to avoid them, but somehow, she helps me face them with answers I have inside of me. Sometimes it takes a while in a session for me to get to the true answer, but that is part of the learning process for me. And believe me, I've been hitting some of the rough questions lately.

Go with your gut and your instincts from being a survivor. Let them guide you and if this therapist isn't right for you... look for one that will help. There are good ones out there.

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

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#32938 - 05/31/02 08:02 PM Re: What should I do?????
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hi James. Has your lady therapist gotten to the "Pretend your mother's sitting on the couch" thing yet? My therapist tried this on me. I thought "Oh gawd this is soo 70s". She kept insisting so I gave her th whole shebang. Cursed mom out,got approving looks from the therapist,paid my $7 for the session on my way out of the clinic. For seven bucks you won't get the Gettysburg Address. It was fun,anyway.


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#32939 - 05/31/02 08:28 PM Re: What should I do?????
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
MrDon
Like I say, maybe the silent treatment isn't for everyone, and I don't know if my therapist uses this technique for everyone.
If he doesn't then I guess he's a very perceptive person who can sense what works for whoever is sat opposite him.
I think I held out for about 15 minutes one night before I cracked, but when I did.. oh boy did I get rid of a crock of shit ?
I was so lucky that we bonded in the first session and soon developed a deep trust, which we still have. But it's hard to say whether I would have gone elsewhere if I hadn't, how would I have known if he was useless ? I still dont I suppose, but he seems ok to me.
Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#32940 - 05/31/02 08:50 PM Re: What should I do?????
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
lloydy,
I think you raise a very good point that what works for one person may not work for all. Hopefully my post didn't come across that I felt the silence was all bad. For me personally I would have a hard time. And knowing myself, I would probably confront my therapist about it. I feel sometimes for my therapist.... keep them guessing...grin!

For me silence is a trigger because if someone was silent in my family that means you had done something wrong and they were pissed, and well the ball starts rolling down the hill from that point.

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#32941 - 05/31/02 09:30 PM Re: What should I do?????
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
MrDon
I quite like silence, I find it relaxing. The thing that triggers me is lonliness, something that people might think go hand in hand, but I usually feel lonely in a crowd.
I went to my usual pub tonight but none of the usual suspects were there, I had a couple of drinks on my own and came away, the gremlins were coming. I came home and pottered about on my own, my wife was out, and felt ok. weird....
Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#32942 - 05/31/02 09:45 PM Re: What should I do?????
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
James,

I agree with the other guys, if it's not working out tell her what your expectations are or ask her what her therapy style is and what she hopes to accomplish with it. If you're uncomfortable with that type of confrontation (as I certainly would have been early on in my therapy) then maybe a different therapist is needed. I talked to two different therapists before I found one that I could really talk to. The first one sat in a chair all the way across the room and mumbled, seemed totally indifferent and aloof. I paid him $100 and never saw him again. The next guy had never worked with a male survivor and seemed more lost than I was. The third guy had dealt with adult male survivors and in the second session suggested that I read Mike Lew's book, "Victims No Longer". He loaned me one of his copies and I thought that it was written for me. I'd never believed that anyone else had gone through what I had and did the things that I did.

I'd always felt that I couldn't talk to a female therapist about all the crap that went on in my life so I chose only male therapists. I've since talked to a few women therapists at the rape crisis center that I volunteer at and I'm in a frame of mind now that I'll talk to just about anyone who cares to talk about it. You might call up a local rape crisis intervention center in your area to see if they have any therapists that they could recommend who deal with male survivors of childhood SA.

Lloydy and I must have twin therapists. My therapist seldom says anything but he does ask me questions that require me to delve deeper into my thought processes each time. He only talks about lighter topics when I'm heading out the door. I understand more about myself now and it's a lot easier to deal with the day to day BS without going off the deep end and doing something that I would certainly regret in the next instant.

Just to reinterate, trust is the big issue, I had to be able to trust the person I was talking to before I could really open up. Sometimes I just feel that I can't trust someone and I go with that feeling. I hope this helps you out.

Take good care of yourself,

Steve

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I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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