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#329245 - 04/21/10 08:11 PM Lies of a perp... still hurt
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
My first perp had me believe that all good fathers did "things" with their sons.

He was nice to me, listened to me, didn't hit me, and made me feel cared about. In contrast, my moms husband was so violent and scary to be around. I hate thinking of the night he tried to kill her and my witnessing it all.

I was so relieved when my mom was let out of the hospital and finally said things were over with her husband. We moved in with her boyfriend(my first perp) and I believed I was safe.

He didn't do things to cause me pain in the beginning, everything was new to me... stupid, oblivious me. The bad stuff that made me know it was wrong didn't happen until right before he gave me over to my other perps and disappeared for good. My other perps were so much worse but it's like the foundations were there.

I don't feel guilty for liking him because I know what I came from, between him and my moms husband(who she's still married to by the way) I didn't have a chance.

I wanted so bad to have a dad that cared about me and he preyed my need.

I still have that need and it hurts.

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

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#329248 - 04/21/10 08:33 PM Re: Lies of a perp... still hurt [Re: usmc97]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
Hey USMC97,

The voices from our perks are hard to drown out. But it can be done especially with the help of others. Hang in there and have hope.

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

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#329264 - 04/21/10 11:17 PM Re: Lies of a perp... still hurt [Re: earlybird]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1971
It sounds like you had a terrible time of things before the abuse (which you didn't deserve), that it set up or allowed to happen much easier the abuse situation (which you did not deserve either). I've heard that story here many times, and it makes perfect sense. My situation was a little different, but what was going on for me pre-abuse really took away a lot of my self-esteem. I believe in a lot of ways that is how "the peer" finally broke me down to let him do what he wanted to do. I got to the point where I figured I didn't really have much of an option and so I sort of had to do it. I had been made to feel that way about lesser things for some time by then. Anyway, you deserved better.

Eric


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#329285 - 04/22/10 03:04 AM Re: Lies of a perp... still hurt [Re: ericc]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
The good thing is though, now you hear that voice, no what it's saying and can try and rid yourself of it, hard and painful though that is.

sometimes it seems to me recovery is like pulling bad teeth. You can walk around with something really painful going on for a long time, and not think there is anything that can be done. you then get up the courage to go and see the dentist, ---- which actually intensifies all that pain and makes it feel a lot worse.

The more the dentist drills though, the more wrotten stuff is drilled out.

That leaves an absense your free to fill yourself.
It's great to here your taking the steps to recognize all of this utter rubbish you were told.

Luke.


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#329289 - 04/22/10 05:39 AM Re: Lies of a perp... still hurt [Re: dark empathy]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
usmc,

Oh yes, those lies still hurt...as a matter of fact, I find them hurting more each day as I realize the reality behind them ever more clearly. The lies eventually feel more invasive in their own way I find...talk of love, caring and all the rest of the crap was just another tool he used to keep his sexual victim under his control. That's not just raping the body, but the heart and mind too.

Thanks for this today,

K

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#329296 - 04/22/10 07:57 AM Re: Lies of a perp... still hurt [Re: sono]
JBells Offline


Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 218
Loc: Juneau
usmc:

Like you, somewhere in my head I still have the notion that my dad will care about me someday. It's a lie, we both know it's a lie but knowing and believing are two different things.

I don't know if that "need" will ever go away and you're right, it hurts like hell. But we can't change these people, can't make them love us or care for us so I suppose we need to find a way to just let it go.

Incidentally if you find that way, please let me know!

I'm sorry for the lies and I'm sorry for the pain that you feel.

Maybe we can get lucky enough to find people in our lives that genuinely care. Maybe they will never be able to fill that need, but maybe they can simply be there to understand and sometimes relate to how we feel. Maybe that will be enough.

I understand how you feel and you're not alone.

Justin.


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#329301 - 04/22/10 08:59 AM Re: Lies of a perp... still hurt [Re: JBells]
catfish86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 825
Loc: Ohio
USMC,

I know how you feel about the lies and betrayal. My dad was an abusive drunk just like yours. My mother had the sense to divorce him just as I was born. About 8 years later, after missing a dad and somehow hoping he would return, he died. My uncle (his brother) started calling us and invited us out to his farm the next summer. An adult male taking an interest in me and my brother. HOLY COW, how great. Then when we went with him, we were violently raped and brain washed for 2 weeks. My mother rescued us but then just said, OK, its over, move on with your lives. Both betrayals are devastating. You are right and you are a normal guy dealing with horrible circumstances. You were set up and preyed upon.

In my own life, I found solace in God and that helped me become a responsible, loving father. I don't think that need for a father will ever be filled but my ultimate revenge is that I did not do the things that were done to me. Justin is right that finding and connecting with truly caring people can help. Problem is, of course, finding someone worthy of that trust.

_________________________
God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

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#329322 - 04/22/10 11:22 AM Re: Lies of a perp... still hurt [Re: catfish86]
pkincrisi Offline


Registered: 04/08/10
Posts: 96
Loc: Wisconsin
usmc, I'm proud of you for opening up about your feelings about your father. I know it wasn't easy for you to do that. It took a lot of courage to admit you still have a need for a father that cares about you and not having that hurts.

Keep sharing your pain with us. Know that you aren't alone in it.

_________________________
Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#329338 - 04/22/10 01:57 PM Re: Lies of a perp... still hurt [Re: pkincrisi]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
I think what really tops off the need I have is that I was only able to spend about an hour of my life with my father, that was at the age of 3 or 4, he never saw me get born or any other time in my life to this day. I was told a whole bunch of lies about him that I continue to learn as I look for him. I've never had a "dad", even my mom's husband was refered to as my moms husband... the monster forced me to call him "dad" when I was real little to get my mom to think things were working out but he was horrible to me, they met when I was about 3 so you'd think things might be different.

I've been actively searching for my father since I was 12 years old, while I was still being abused, mostly just wanting some kind of contact with someone in his family.... It's always been in my mind that somebody had to think of me all these years. The parts of the movie Antwon Fischer is the kind of what I always daydreamed about as a kid, a family who really wanted me, out there waiting for me somewhere even possible looking for me too.

I do have some great friends who try to be there as much as they can, I'm a lot to deal with most of the time. Some of them are more father type figures to me but they are okay with that. The problem is that it never seems like enough.... like immitations can't fill that void. I still try to take in as much as I can when it's there though, a hug from one of them seems like the only time I can breath and feel safe.

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

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#329347 - 04/22/10 03:02 PM Re: Lies of a perp... still hurt [Re: usmc97]
Survivinguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 310
Loc: Colorado
I was told the same lies and I really believed them for a long time. I was told what dad was doing to me - he told me it's what boys do with/for their dads - everyone does it but nobody talks about it. I remember wondering in grade school about a classmate who didn't have a dad, who he would do those things for since he didn't have a dad?

When the abuse became severe and painful, I knew it wasn't right but by then he told me he'd kill me if I told anyone - and I knew he would.

I feel your pain USMC - the lies were just so intense and we didn't know any better. I'm sorry for your losses and pain and sorrow.

As I'm the adoptive father of two boys - I understand you wanting to "fill that void". I will keep your search in my thoughts. I also really admire you for sharing with us that a hug from one of your close "father type figure" friends gives you some sense of feeling safe - that's really a beautiful thing to say - I hope they know how much that means to you because I think they'd have to be absolutely honored to help you in that way.

Peace

_________________________
Survivinguy

============================================
I have to survive and I hope to thrive.

Alumni Dahlonega WoR May 2010
Alumni Sequoia WoR March 2012

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