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#32874 - 10/17/06 04:00 PM wel.. this is my story I guess
Alexander Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/06
Posts: 223
Loc: The Netherlands
Just found this board, and thought it be nice to introduce myself.
Something else, in the survivor story section i can only see two threads? The read this before you post and the if your considering suicide ones?
Anyway.

I'm 15 and I'm from The Netherlands.
I don't really how to write this or where to start so i just will begin writing.
I was 9 when i was first r&ped by a friend of my parents. At the time i didn't really understand what was going on though. When I was 12 there were these info lessons at school, like about gambling, drugs & alcohol etc, but also about different kinds of abuse, and I was like 'ohhh... That's me!'.
I found the courage to tell my dad but he didn't believe me and started shouting at me and he beat me up.
As my parents were never home the friend could come and do as he pleased whenever he wanted.
This has been going on until last june, when I finally told school. That was only after he started bringing someone with him and beat me up pretty bad and school noticed that and started asking questions.
They brought me to the hospital and then the whole social work circus started. It seemed like about everyone wanted something from me.
My dad visited me in the hospital but ended up yelling at me and he told me 'don't think we want you anymore now, you're just an attention seeker'.
That's the last I've seen or heard from my parents and so now after I left the hospital I have been in fostercare.
The friend had been caught and put in jail pretty quickly, but the 2nd one was still out there. He broke into the 1st house I lived but someone came home wich prevented him from doing something. Unfortunately at my last adress he found me again, attacked me after school, r*ped me again and left me with a broken wrist, ribs, a hole in my head and a lot of bruises.
That was about a month ago now.
Thankfully he's finally in jail now too.
But I'm not looking forward to the trial, of course.

Well, that's most of me, but feel free to ask questions if you want.

Alexander

_________________________
Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I'm dead on the surface
But I am screaming underneath

Top
#32875 - 10/17/06 04:42 PM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
Alexander, Always hard to be the first one to reply to a new person. First of all, welcome. We're always glad when someone finds us, and always sorry that he needed to. Of course, it hurts us to read stories like yours because we understand them only too well, but appreciate that you can share your story, because we know how important that is to healing. My story has very little violence conntected with it, so I am always appalled when someone has had to go through the violence that you have had to experience. I suppose, since I was sexually abused that I have sort of an understanding of what that's all about, but the violence is something quite foreign to me, and the pictures that I have in my mind as I read are dreadful.

The bottom line is that I'm so sorry that all of this has happened to you, and so sorry that your father has reacted in the way that he has. You will find understanding here. You will also find here men who have had experiences very similar to your own. One of the things that surprised me most was that the men here understood completely how I felt. No matter what the abuse, it seems that the affect is such that we share an amazing understanding of one another.

I'm so glad that your perpetrators are in jail. Several here have gone through trials such as the one you are facing. I'm sure they'll be glad to help you as much as they can.

Again, I'm so sorry, Alexander. Welcome. This is a place of healing.

Bobby

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




Top
#32876 - 10/17/06 05:54 PM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
Hey Alexander, welcome.
Nice to meet you.
Sorry you have to be here, but it's a great place to be. My father blamed me too, and yelled and hit, etc. So I know how it feels.
Jay


Top
#32877 - 10/17/06 07:24 PM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Alexander - Welcome to the site. I think you will find some good support from the guys! Since you are under 18, we have a Mod Buddy Program here for you to assist you on the site. Please Private Mail me and I'll tell you more about it!

Howard (ScottyTodd)

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

Top
#32878 - 10/17/06 08:30 PM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Alex,

welcome, you sound like you are in a mess, but things will get better, and even telling someone who cares is good.

Guys here will support you,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#32879 - 10/17/06 10:43 PM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
Alexander Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/06
Posts: 223
Loc: The Netherlands
Thanks for replying everyone!

Alexander

_________________________
Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I'm dead on the surface
But I am screaming underneath

Top
#32880 - 10/18/06 01:27 AM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
alexander so sorry for what you have been through...reading this brings tears to my eyes...how can people be such as- holes...i am so glad for you that you have found this site...


Top
#32881 - 10/19/06 12:28 AM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
Alexander Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/06
Posts: 223
Loc: The Netherlands
Again, thanks for replying.
Right now it's still all a chaos to me, since it's all pretty recent still and there are still so many changes all the time. Like changing homes wich also means changing school, 'counselor', etc.
Lot's of feelings, making my head a chaos too, switching back and forth between feeling nothing, just numb and then a lot of feelings at the same time.
And of course there are the triggers, flashbacks, panicattacks, nightmares, insomnia, not being able to feel safe even though now I can since they're in jail and all.
But yeah.. it ain't that easy i guess.
Anyway, thanks for replying.

Alexander

_________________________
Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I'm dead on the surface
But I am screaming underneath

Top
#32882 - 10/20/06 12:57 AM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Alexander,

There are so many things about abuse that adults can't understand, so don't judge yourself for all the feelings you have crashing around in your head. That's to be expected. Just remember that YOU as Alexander, are okay; it's what was done to you that's fucked up.

I hope you will feel able to talk here on the site. There's a great bunch of guys here and the mods keep the site safe for us. Whatever is on your mind, just let it out. Talking helps a LOT.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#32883 - 10/20/06 02:40 AM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
Cooljule Offline
Member

Registered: 08/10/06
Posts: 69
Loc: New Jersey
Hey Alexander,
i was abducted and raped when i was about 8 years old.The tools I used to cope were baseball,work,drugs,drinking,anger,sex,gambling and many other "things".I choose not to let them things control me any more.The power of choice was stolen from us.... take it back.....But you have made it this far and your not alone.

fight the good fight
Julian

_________________________
Come heal with me

Top
#32884 - 10/20/06 04:27 PM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
Alexander Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/06
Posts: 223
Loc: The Netherlands
thanks.

Gonna move again next week. sigh.

_________________________
Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I'm dead on the surface
But I am screaming underneath

Top
#32885 - 10/20/06 04:35 PM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
bp83 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/29/06
Posts: 111
Loc: Arkansas
hi Alexander, nice to "meet" you!

_________________________
-
Scott

"Life is for living, we all know, and I don't want to live it alone..."-Chris Martin

Top
#32886 - 10/21/06 03:57 AM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
ARW Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/02
Posts: 161
Loc: LA
Welcome Alexander.

From an Alexander in Los Angeles. You have taken one of the first steps on a vital road to taking your life back. Keep going. We're always here.

Alex

_________________________
In every cry of every man,
In every Infant's cry of fear,
In every voice, in every ban,
The mind-forged manacles I hear.
-William Blake

Top
#32887 - 10/21/06 04:21 AM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
mark250676 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/06
Posts: 310
Loc: England
We're all here for you alexander.

Mark

_________________________
Survivor and fighter!

Top
#32888 - 10/21/06 09:08 AM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Alexander,

I hope things settle down for you soon. It's important to feel stable and safe at home, but it's so soon after the prosecution of the abusers, and well, it was even more important to get away from them.

It's rough if your parents can't or won't give you the support and love you need, but still, if that's the case and you are getting beaten at home then the authorities have to help you find other arrangements and that can get complicated.

Just remember that there are good people "out there" doing their best to help you. Do you have a case worker who stays in contact with you, for example? If you find you are being moved around too much, tell him/her how you feel. They will probably respond by telling you that sometimes they have to place a guy with people who can only take kids on an emergency basis.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#32889 - 10/21/06 11:34 PM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
Alexander Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/06
Posts: 223
Loc: The Netherlands
To answer your questions, Roadrunner,

It's not that my parents hit me, but they just told me they didn't want me anymore. And they sticked with it.
Yes, I have a caseworker. I've told her I didn't like it much, but there's really nothing she or I can do about the moving around. I'll just have to be patient and wait until there's a permanent place for me.

Thanks everyone.

Alexander

_________________________
Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I'm dead on the surface
But I am screaming underneath

Top
#32890 - 10/22/06 12:19 AM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Alexander,

That's more or less what I thought. There was a need to get you into a safe home immediately, but the people where you are now cannot offer you a permanent place. The system can't always offer the services a guy needs as fast as he needs them.

What's important here is that you understand - and believe (they aren't the same thing) - that you aren't being rejected by anyone. The authorities are doing what they can to give you what you need, but it will just take some time.

And good for you for communicating how you feel to your caseworker. She's there to help, so I hope you will continue to talk to her.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#32891 - 10/22/06 12:59 AM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Alexander,

Just want to add my own word of support to those who've already spoken.

Try to keep up your courage, guy, and remember, even tho you don't know us well, we're here to offer you what support we can here on the web. Anytime you need encouragement, just stop by and give us a shout. We care. Plain and simple. Why? Because in one way or another every one of us have experienced what you have. We remember how painful it was and we want to offer you and others at least some care that we never received.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

Top
#32892 - 10/26/06 10:12 PM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
Alexander Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/06
Posts: 223
Loc: The Netherlands
So, moved tuesday.
The kids are alright, don't know what to think of the 'fosterparents' though, but hey.
It's only for a couple of weeks anyway.

Alexander

_________________________
Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I'm dead on the surface
But I am screaming underneath

Top
#32893 - 10/26/06 10:19 PM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Alexander,

Thanks for the update. I hope you are feeling okay about all these changes. If you feel you can answer, I'd like to ask you what's bothering you about your new foster parents?

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#32894 - 10/27/06 01:00 AM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
Elad 12 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/15/05
Posts: 1176
Loc: on the coast
Alexander,

Welcome here. Sorry about all you have been through. It is just so sad that this all goes on. Glad you found this place. Its been a great help to me.

Dale


Top
#32895 - 10/27/06 03:22 PM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
Alexander Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/06
Posts: 223
Loc: The Netherlands
Roadrunner,
I can't really explain, it's just that feeling you have about certain people. I just inmedeatly felt that I didn't like them.
While with all the other people I didn't have such a strong opinion.
I don't think I can explain this properly.

Dale, I agree, even writing some stuf down here, or talking in the chat helps, some.

Alexander

_________________________
Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I'm dead on the surface
But I am screaming underneath

Top
#32896 - 10/27/06 04:01 PM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Alexander,

I ask because having been let down by your own parents, it would be natural for you to distrust new parental figures, or feel VERY wary about them.

There isn't any "proper" way to explain things, by the way. ;\) Just say it how you feel it and that's fine. The important thing is not to sit alone and in silence.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#32897 - 10/27/06 05:23 PM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
Kirk Wayne Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/05
Posts: 499
Loc: Shrewsbury UK
Hi Alexander.

Sorry that you had to find us but you now know you are not on your own and yes someof us have parents that refuse to belive that we had been abused ...... my father did not belive me when I told him thirty years after the abuse. He was more concerned with the wrongly held fact that I may have introduced other teenage boys to my original abuser .... and did that hurt so much so that I have nothing whatsoever to do with him now. That relationship is now stone cold dead by my hands and I have no regrets at all.

Regards

Kirk
"Lets grab this bull by the horns and swing it about a bit"


Top
#32898 - 10/27/06 05:41 PM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Alex,

I am glad you have new fosters, and it will be hard to get to know them, but at least you get on with the other kids.

They will know that you will need time to adjust, but you need to try and dump some of the worst baggage, and try to work on the good things.

Find things that you like doing to take your mind away from the awful past memories, but at least you are safe now,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#32899 - 10/29/06 11:10 AM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
thwap Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/06/06
Posts: 30
Loc: Atlanta, Georgia
No matter how many times you move we will still be here. Welcome!


Top
#32900 - 10/29/06 07:28 PM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
hi alex ,i been kinda busy and i missed this post,i spent 5 years in foster care ,so if i say i know how you feel i really do ,its not something that you can explain to those that havnt been there i know that for sure. i really hope things in foster have changed its been over 3 years since i got out of it . god i hated keeping what little stuff i had in a freaking trash bag ,got tired of unpacking and packing that bag so i just left my stuff in it ,ready for the next move. i have to admit that maybe i got moved so much cause i just wouldnt try to fit in with the foster families ,but why you know? i'll just be moved somewhere else anyway. for me it didnt matter if the family was nice or not ,it wasnt my family ,i didnt belong ,i was there because these people wanted to help or wanted the check from the state,never knew which . also i had problems going to school and living with the bio kids ,thats what we called the kids whose parents took us in .when it comes to fosters trust your instinct dude if you dont like them there is probably a good reason .do they still pull up outside in their damn black state cars when its time to move again,i hated those cars ,hated that ride to the next place where just like that your supposed to fit in and be happy yeah till you have to move and do it all over again. if i can help myou feel free to pm me anytime adam

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

Top
#32901 - 10/29/06 07:53 PM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
Alexander Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/06
Posts: 223
Loc: The Netherlands
Hi Adam,

Thanks for your reply.
I understand what you mean with 'why try to fit in? I'll be moved again anyway.'
Rather keep that wall up and keep a distance... It's not worth it.

But, there's at least one big difference between you and me, and that's that I'm from The Netherlands. The system is therefore probably very different.
The way it is here is that they put you in 'crisis foster families' until there's a permanent spot somewhere for you.

The sad thing is, I read a few days ago, that there are just not enough permanent places for all of us. Some kids are even placed in juvenile detention centres, as if they are little criminals and they undergo the same treatment as the reall delinquents. That's just sad. I guess I'm lucky compared to them!

In these crisis foster families you stay for about 5,6 weeks and then you're moved to a new one again. Until there's a permanent place, somewhere. Could be either a fosterfamily or a livinggroup.
They've told me a month! Then there's definitely a place. But that would mean that by now there'd be a permanent place... Not gonna happen.
I guess I'll just wait and see what happens.

I don't have a lot of stuf to carry around. Some clothes, schoolstuf, my laptop. And my skeelers.

It's just so weird these families. I was used to being alone all day unless 'he' was there.. I'd spent my day alone, would cook for myself, clean the house myself etc. Now there are always people in the house. And I don't have to do everything myself anymore. It's just the complete opposite from what I was used to you know? So, I hide in my room as much as I can.
It overwhelms me, sometimes.

Alexander

_________________________
Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I'm dead on the surface
But I am screaming underneath

Top
#32902 - 10/29/06 08:36 PM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
well in the u s they only put you in detention if they think your a problem kid ,heh guess thats why i ended up there .please dont be like i was i was so pissed off at life i wouldnt let anyone help me even if they tried.

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

Top
#32903 - 10/29/06 08:43 PM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Alex,

hopefully you will find a place in a real good family who care.
I would love to give a caring home life to any kid who has been hurt.

I suppose I have the skill of knowing my own hurt, and how to listen if needed.
When I have been to the Netherlands, I found the people so friendly, so surely they could get more fosters.

Its not that easy to find fosters who will look after a kid with extra needs, but please do not isolate yourself in the family too much, but I know you need your own space.

I will be wishing that you find your ideal home before Christmas, and sure wish that no kid has to go through it, but it will come,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#32904 - 10/29/06 08:46 PM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Alexander,

I know the situation in the Netherlands must be different from how it is in the UK or the States. But you have a case worker, right?

Things like you say in your post are exactly what the case worker needs to hear. If you hide in your room I can understand that, but is that something you can talk about? Whether adults can change your situation is one thing, but helping you to understand and be less afraid is another.

It's okay to be afraid, by the way. Everything has been turned upside down for you, and you have a lot that you have a right to be anxious about. The case worker really will understand how you feel and you should talk about that if you can.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#32905 - 11/05/06 04:49 AM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
Alexander Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/06
Posts: 223
Loc: The Netherlands
Just heard today my grandmother of my mom's side died last night.. So there's gonna be a funeral next week.
Don't wanna go though cause,one, i didn't really know her all that well anyway seen her maybe a few times.
And 2, the big reason, my parents will be there.
And the rest of the family and I don't know how much they know about what happened so I don't either how they would react to me.

So I guess I'm not going... Would be to big a confrontation to see my parents.

Can't help but still feel hurt though that they like, threw me out with the garbage after I told school.. Even though i know they were this way and didn't care about me since years already. How stupid is that?

Alexander.

_________________________
Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I'm dead on the surface
But I am screaming underneath

Top
#32906 - 11/05/06 06:10 PM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Alexander,

It's not stupid to want your parents to care. It's something that comes in every kid ever born, sorta like it's prepackaged inside each of us. That feeling is still in there even if we know that they don't.

The problem is trying to make it through the rough time without letting the hurt and the anger destroy our lives.

Keep talking about it with us. Telling people who'll listen and care how you feel is a huge part of keeping your sanity while the shit hits the fan. If there's one thing I've found here, the guys here care. We might not be able to physically do anything for you, but we can listen and let you know we care.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

Top
#32907 - 11/05/06 08:20 PM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Alex you are one of us now, and I am extreamly glad you found this site. It is never easy, but friends make it easier.

Mike

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

Top
#32908 - 11/06/06 02:06 AM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
Alexander Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/06
Posts: 223
Loc: The Netherlands
I've got an appointment with a doctor this week tuesday btw, so that he/she can maybe prescribe me some sleepmedication. Because sleeping not at all or just a few hourse all the time isn't working... I guess that's maybe why i get sick all the time.
And maybe there will be some sleep medication that would also help with the nightmares. That would be really great.

Alexander.

_________________________
Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I'm dead on the surface
But I am screaming underneath

Top
#32909 - 11/06/06 02:17 AM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
hope things work out for you.....steve


Top
#32910 - 11/06/06 02:34 AM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
alex not sleeping at all or just a little ,been there ,the nightmares too ,the doc gave me soma for sleep and it worked for a while . but the dreams came back ,. i used meth to stay awake and it created a whole list of other problems ,i was in the hospital for exhaustion.not sleeping can be dangerous . they say having a t can help .dude i know how bad it sucks to be afraid to sleep .i hope you can get some relief,there is a chance that my nightmares had a physical cause, i had surgery and im waiting to see if it helped , i got so weak that i started having seizures. get some meds that work if you can adam

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#32911 - 11/08/06 04:51 PM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
Alexander Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/06
Posts: 223
Loc: The Netherlands
I went to the doctor yesterday, to discuss this, but he wanted to make sure it wasn't anything physicall first or something.
So I'm getting bloodresults back next week and then he said he would consider sleeping medication maybe.
So I guess I'll wait until then.
I have told him I had nightmares too and he said he would look into that to see if there might be something that could help about that too.
The only good thing about being a little bit sick is that I usually sleep more then normally and that I get a break of school for a couple of days, so that's good. :-)

How are you now Adam?

Alexander

_________________________
Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I'm dead on the surface
But I am screaming underneath

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#32912 - 11/08/06 08:44 PM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11088
Loc: Denver, CO
Welcome Alexander.

Another heart-rending story from someone. I hope you are ok.

Andy

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#32913 - 11/09/06 06:16 PM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
Alexander Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/06
Posts: 223
Loc: The Netherlands
wow.

A totally unexpected outcome.

This morning the doctor I told about, called and made us come to his office. So I thought, didn't he say those bloodresults would not come earlier then next week? O well.

He said there was something not right with the bloodresults.
And then he said we believe that it's cancer, leukemia to be exact.

...

There have been a few more tests today in the hospital.. To figure out what kind it is exactly and how to threat it. Chemotherapy for sure, possibly also radiation and probably also bone marrow transplantation.

I think I stopped listening shortly after then as I do not remember much more of what he said.

I can not believe this.

I CANNOT BELIEV THIS!!!!

_________________________
Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I'm dead on the surface
But I am screaming underneath

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#32914 - 11/09/06 07:51 PM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
Paul1959 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 525
Loc: NYC
Alexander,
I'm so sorry. This is not what any of us expect. Wow. You are in shock right now. I'm sorry, I can only imagine your feelings right now. But there is lots of hope.

You do have a battle ahead of you. But you can win it. I have a friend who did the whole thing - bone marrow transplant, etc. He is fine 10 years out. It was an ordeal, he was very sick, but now leads a perfectly normal life. You can do it. you aren't alone.
Paul


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#32915 - 11/09/06 10:19 PM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
Alexander Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/06
Posts: 223
Loc: The Netherlands
I know, that it's possible to beat it.
But yes, shock, maybe. To me it still sounds like I'm talking about someone else while I'm writing this? Like it's not really happening.. Like no way... It's JUST the flu. I'm alright! I'm alright, D*mn It.
But, I guess realisation will land soon enough..
It's like life is making sure I'm gonna be as miserable as possible, all the time, or something.

Thanks..

Alexander.

_________________________
Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I'm dead on the surface
But I am screaming underneath

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#32916 - 11/10/06 01:29 AM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
alexander...so sorry for this situtation..life is really throwing you a bag of shit...be strong and try and keep your spirits up..i had a fellow co worker who just went through all of that...he is doing fine now..it was a rough road for him..he stuck it out...we here at ms..all will be pulling for you....take care steve


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#32917 - 11/10/06 08:00 AM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Alexander,

I'm so sorry, Bud. Reading your post just made me sick for you. Please know that you've got us here for support. We'll be thinking of you even if we can't be there in person. Keep us posted on how things are going with you, K?

Safe Hugs,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#32918 - 11/10/06 01:12 PM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
My thoughts are with you. I hope you have support where you're living.


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#32919 - 11/13/06 06:39 PM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
Alexander Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/06
Posts: 223
Loc: The Netherlands
Got more news today..

It's acute lymphoblastic leukemia (excuse me for spelling :-) ).
They want me to go to the hospital tomorrow, starting chemo wednesday.
It's, but this can change at any time, 5 sessions of chemo for wich i will have to stay in the hospital for about 2 weeks for each session with in between each session about 2 or 3 weeks rest, at 'home'.
Then, probably, stam cell transplantation, then a few more chemo sessions.
That's the plan as of on this moment anyway.

I've posted a longer thread about this in the off topic section of the site.

I'm gonna be able to go online in the hospital, but not chat in the middle in the night anymore, obviously.

Greets,

Alexander

_________________________
Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I'm dead on the surface
But I am screaming underneath

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#32920 - 11/13/06 06:44 PM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
Alexander,

I'm sorry to hear about your illness. I will be praying for you as I'm sure that many of your friends here will be doing the same.

Brian

_________________________
Recovery is Possible!

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#32921 - 11/13/06 07:59 PM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Good luck Alex. You've been through so much already I wish you you the best.


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#32922 - 11/13/06 09:27 PM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Alex, I already posted in off-topic, but you are a fighter, and you have all of us behind you.

It will be tough dealing with the lethargy, but try and think of the good times ahead.

Just dont give the nurses a hard time right!

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#32923 - 11/13/06 10:13 PM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
Elad 12 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/15/05
Posts: 1176
Loc: on the coast
Alexander,

I am sorry to hear of the cancer. Right now I am dealing with it with my wife. She has had chemo and radiation. There have been many advances lately in cancer treatments but I understand how devastating this news must be for you. I am keeping you in my thoughts.

Dale


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#32924 - 11/13/06 11:08 PM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
Alexander Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/06
Posts: 223
Loc: The Netherlands
Elad, I hope your wife is doing well?
Is the treatment working?
Thanks for your post, and yes it's hard news, but you're right, treatment has become better and better over the years..

Greets,

Alexander

_________________________
Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I'm dead on the surface
But I am screaming underneath

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#32925 - 11/14/06 06:39 AM Re: wel.. this is my story I guess
John Oarc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/10/06
Posts: 633
Loc: Louisiana
Alexander,

Stay strong, you are going to make it through this.

You found MS and you will find something or someone to help you through the medical problems as well.


Keep you head up and remember there are a lot of guys here rooting for you, we care about what happens to you.

Remember this, we are always here for you, always.

Sincerely,

_________________________
Whatever It Takes, God


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