JBells, you are onto something here. Keep examining it. I can relate to what you are going through, and also the not wanting to reveal it in order to get help, but look, you did take that step, now take another. Surround yourself with support. Use the support to help you.

As for the comment of... I get nothing out of it.... I would submit that you get shame out of it. The feelings of shame, they are so freakin strong. Take a deep breath, I say to myself.

Peace.

JBells,

I can see similarities and differences between our present experiences. I don't know if this will help you or not, but I'll tell you about myself. You were honest with me, so I will be honest with you.

I also feel I am straight, and was before the abuse, but as I have no sexual experience, I might be in denial. I don't know. I do not feel gay in any way other than in my fantasies, which are random variations of my abuse.

More often than not, I fantasize that I am being physically overpowered - which is odd in itself, as I was not physically overpowered during my abuse. I won't go into details that might be triggering or inappropriate, but when I am done with the fantasy, I feel ashamed of myself for having it.

Trucker Mark may have hit upon the reason - perhaps I am trying to relive my abuse in order to change it in my mind. I have noticed more and more frequently that I am getting angry in my fantasy about being overpowered. Perhaps one day I'll fantasize that I will say, "NO!" and that will change it.

I'm not sure if this is helpful, but I thought at the very least you would like to hear that someone else has similar experiences.

Good luck in your recovery, buddy.

Bobcat

I also like what Mark had to say. I think for so long I wanted to relive my abuse, it was all I knew. I was defining my entire sexuality by that my csa. I guess I've had to learn how to get away from that thinking, realize there is so much more to me, so much more to my sexuality.

In regards to the father figure, I think for so long I wanted that as well, and I know I still have moments where I feel like I really crave it. I think I have this craving for being babied if you can understand that logic. Like you I feel like I always have to take care of myself and look out for myself and sometimes I just want a break, want someone else to take care of me. I think Mark touched on that a bit as do I think you did Justin.

Very powerful post.

There is a part of me that I think is really loathing my abuser and the abuse cause I feel like I had to grow up so much before my time and didn't really get that time to be a kid. Had to learn how to defend myself.

Great post, thanks for sharing.

Charles.

Thanks everyone, it's all good information and it all helps. I want too (need too) deal with it but then again I don't.

The blog was interesting, I could write pages and pages about various items there and how it directly relates to how I feel.

I guess I'm not too concerned with where it comes from, I already know where it comes from. I'm more concerned with how I get rid of feeling like I need to do these things. And I guess that's why I'm here talking about it, as shameful as it is.

Brother2none you're right, I do get shame out of it but not until after it's over, then there's more guilt than shame. But those are two tiny pieces of it.

Bobcat, yes what you wrote is helpful and thanks for letting me know that you share similar experiences.

I keep thinking in my head, I hated it so much back then when I didn't have a choice so if I hated it so much then why would I subject myself to it now? Is it a combination of wanting to change the outcome? Looking for a father figure? Would I have been into this lifestyle even if I wasn't abused? Maybe I'm just out of my damn mind! All I really know for sure is I'll more than likely go back again at some point. I love it but I hate it, I want it but I don't, it makes me feel good and it makes me feel like shit, it's exciting but it's terrifying.

Thanks again everyone.

Justin

And when I'm feeling particularly triggered and/or overwhelmed is when I want to go there. Just let someone else take over and give me pain to focus on so I don't have to think about anything else for a while.

Your last post is a great insight, Justin. I think that is a great place to start talking about this with your T the next time you see him.

Just remember you aren't alone, lot's of us are trying to understand how we are wired in the wake of our experiences.

-efm

*

Jbells, thanks for sharing this topic with us and bring it up.

I too, feel this way sometimes, but maybe it is for different reasons.
It sounds to me that you have as Joe Kort puts it "Father Hunger." But then again I am not an expert.

For me I sometimes fantasize about me being abused again, like me being the victim and being over powered and then I feel so disgusted for felling that or even thinking like that. I feel so much Shame and Guilt for thinking this way. I have acted out with much older guys and at the time aI had not idea why the hell I was doing it, just that I felt this compulsive urge to do so. come to think of it, I still have no idea as to why I do, did or would ever feel that way.
I find women attractive and like to fantasize about them but acting with them sexually feels scary and dangerous. I know that i have certain fears of women and am working on them right now in therapy.

I have to go
My dad's home

Logan

J, while I can't tell you what makes you act out the occurrence of your abuse, I can tell you with absolute certainty that you are not alone. I too revisit my abuse and even relive it physically , but by my own hands. I have somehow developed the strength to over power myself, both mentally and physically, and like you I feel disgusted and worthless afterward, however I continually repeat it.
HOLD FAST my brother, we are here for you and want to help you find the answers while we search for our own. Be kind to yourself.

It's like a drug isn't it?

I used to self harm but after a while it just wasn't good enough.

I don't remember the moment I thought going back to one of my abusers was a good idea. I remember needing something and feeling overwhelmed and anxious and the next thing I remember was being at his house.

The strange thing is, I hate being there, I hate him and what he does to me, I hate myself for being too weak to control myself but I felt safe. How does that happen? How does a person feel safe in an abusive and potentially dangerous situation?

Am I misinterpreting the feelings? Am I thinking I feel "safe" when really I'm just responding to what I'm used to, what I felt was normal for so long? Why is it that on my way there it's the best feeling in the world yet the minute I walk through the door I'm full of regret?

Why can't I say "no".

Why do I feel like need to be used in this way to feel valuable?