This is really hard to post. Not that it's easier for anyone else but I never talk about this.

If I don't start somewhere and try to put an end to this, or try to understand myself better, I'm afraid I won't ever turn back and this isn't exactly the safest or healthiest road to go down.

Just when I think I'm the only one going through something I see a post that I can directly relate too and even though I wish there wasn't a need for a place such as this, I hope this is one of those things that at least one other person out here can relate too as well.

I am straight. 100%, no doubt in my mind. I love women, all women! I am not attracted to men physically, emotionally or otherwise. I am, however, attracted to (or turned on by) the actions of a stronger man who can over power me.

To say it like it is... a father figure.

It's not an attraction to the "person", it's an attraction to the "act". Does that make any sense?

Obviously this has to be directly related to my abuse right? Since my father was the main abuser.

If this was just something I thought about or fantasized about it might be easier to deal with. But it's not. This is something I act upon and I wish I had a dime for every time I re-visited the trauma I went through as a child vicariously through someone else.

I have spoken in general about this with my therapist but I'm not ready to sit there and let it all out face to face. I makes me feel like shit.

Any thoughts/opinions/advice are appreciated as always.

Thanks!
Justin

Justin,

Thanks for having the courage to start exploring what this is and what it means to you. Starting here means you are a step closer to working on it with your therapist.

I think about the abuse too, I replay it in my mind and feel the sexual charge in it now that I didn't realize then because I really didn't understand sex. My father had died four years earlier and I'd been away from my mother for several years so I was scared and felt abandoned by all adults.

I think about my abuser and play through what happened to me in my mind as much as I can remember. I think I do it to feel a connection to the sexual part of myself that was devastated and lost so many years ago. It's one of the few ways I can have that feeling of sexual connection.

I also identify with the older, father, or power dynamic you talk about. I feel like my abuse sexualized the power dynamic between men. Whenever I notice the power imbalance there is something very sexual about it. When I feel vulnerable I can move into fantasies about the power dynamic, I used to explore it with porn, but now I'm aware of it and I haven't acted out in person.

I'm a gay man and I'm in a long term relationship with a guy younger than me and a very different physical type to my abuser.

Yeah, I think it's safe to say that this is to do with your abuser. From the way you wrote about it, it may be the act, or the power relationship in the act, which is the core of it for you. Are you always in a specific role in these encounters? What are your feelings before, during and after?

-efm

Thanks for the reply, I like that; "power dynamic" that's a good way to say it.

I don't exactly think about the abuse nor do I feel any sexual charge with regard to anything my father did to me. As far as I can remember, after the initial confusion, shock and anger at what was happening I simply learned how to play his game and numbed out. That was it.

Even though I hate to say it, thanks for being able to relate to this. It's just one of those things I am NOT comfortable with.

When I get in that "zone" where I go looking for it, there are a lot of feelings tied up there. Before, I'm just a shell of a person on a mission. I could care less what happens to me, I could care less if I die, I just know what I "need" and I need to get hurt. The more I think about it the stronger the desire is.

During, it's hard to say, sometimes I feel like a 10 year old again, sometimes I feel scared, sometimes I feel really good about it like I'm serving some kind of great purpose, like I am good at it and have this false sense of power. Sometimes I just want it to stop and usually by then it's too late, then I get off on knowing I have no choice in the matter. So, a lot of feelings there.

After? that's easy, guilt, shame, humiliation swearing to myself that I'll never go back there and once in a while a quick trip to the ER.

When you say specific role what do you mean?

Thanks again.

Hmmm. I was asking if you saw yourself as the most powerful person in the encounter, or the least powerful.

-efm

The least

Yeah, that's where I am, too. Do you feel like you have less power than others in your life in general? In other words, is this experience a "holiday" from being in charge all the time...

-efm

No way, in my life in general I'm always the one making the decisions, the plans, telling people what to do, etc. So yes I guess it's like a "holiday" from all that. It's an interesting way to look at it.

Like I said, if this was just me having bad thoughts or fantasies that would be one thing. But it's not.

I'm in a relationship with a girl and she knows about it. She tries her best to do whatever it is I need, but it's not the same.

It just makes me so sick I can't stand myself. I get nothing out of doing this.

Joe Kort, Ph.D., has a blog called "Straight Guise" that addresses the very issue you are bringing up. Joe will be doing a guest column here on sexuality in the near future. In the meantime, you can get some info on this at:

http://www.joekort.com/articles91.htm

It sounds like some attraction toward re-victimization, where you have some sort of attraction toward re-living the abuse, perhaps hoping that the end result will be different, or perhaps as a sign of ownership over one's own body. Such a desire is not a terribly unusual symptom of this affliction either, it is down the same path as a number of symptoms of either acting-out or acting inwards. People who cut or otherwise abuse themselves operate from a similar position, perhaps somewhat similar to hard-core drug addicts and/or those who enjoy receiving sexual pain and/or enjoy being restrained and/or dominated, being put in a position over which they have no control. Perhaps you might benefit from our acting-out or acting-inward forums. You would have to PM Ken Singer to discuss entering either of those forums.

The good news is that there is hope to overcome this problem through your recovery. Part of the solution is overcoming your negative shame, and a re-victimization loop continues to reinforce negative shame. Victims enjoy the initial act but they find the act shameful later. The process of rebuilding your self-esteem and self-confidence, in effect learning to love and value yourself enough so that you wouldn't want to hurt yourself, is also part of the solution in moving beyond these negative re-victimization behaviors. I'm not an expert, just a layman, you should try to bring this up with a qualified therapist, Ken Singer would be as good a choice as any.

Hope that this helps you a little,

Mark