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#32837 - 03/28/05 05:51 AM Who am I?
Dude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/05
Posts: 116
Loc: Fort Smith, AR
This mite sound funny, but i no no who i am anymore. One minute I act like I 30 something n the next minute i act like i 8. Most times now i rite like a kid n then sometimes i rite like adult. i have no way control it. Today my wife started going off on how i changne n b diffrent n she no feel same way 4 me anymore and all this bullshit, but the reason i left the room was cuz she make fun of me, n she was mean bout it. it was no my fault n i had no control over n she degrading me infront of my kids n then she say's shit cuz i calmly walk out of room n go outside that i belittle her n shit. n i can no tell her what she did or how i feel cuz she blame it back on me. I trying b calm n stay me but i fraid. evry day i fraid of me n noone cares. Everyone say i no have it bad at all, they have it bad, blah blah blah. Well they don't worry every second of the day that they mite not b who they are or have flashback or mite hurt someone. Oh no, i have it fucken easy. i can no tell T cuz now he think it all my fault. I trusted him n it ended up being it an all my fault session. I prob takin it wrong way, but it sure did feel like they attackin me n i have no say cuz wife was there. I try so hard to avoid shit that one day i fraid i end up leaving or gettin hurt again. i sory 4 bitchin. -Dude


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#32838 - 03/28/05 07:55 AM Re: Who am I?
Malidin41 Offline
Member

Registered: 07/01/04
Posts: 140
Loc: Utah
Hello my friend,

I am sorry you are struggling so much. The best advice I can give to you is to continue like you have by sharing and experiencing your feelings. Let your therapist know how you feel and see if maybe he can help you understand better what is happening. You sound like a very nice pleasent individual and I hope you do not just ignore the problems you are facing. Talk it out and ask for understanding. You deserve that. You are an incredable person and if there is anything I can do please feel free to pm me anytime.

Your friend malidin

_________________________
Mother of the kingdom of silence I have obeyed you long enough!!!

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#32839 - 03/28/05 04:18 PM Re: Who am I?
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
dude,
god, my friend, i am so sorry for what you are going through right now. we cannot change the perceptions of others, we can only try to share what we perceive ourselves. it is shitty that we are made to feel responsible for something beyond our control as children or the aftermath as adults. we can make adult choices and be held responsible for them, as we should be. but when in the midst of ongoing regression our normal sense of perspective becomes handicapped and confusion reigns supreme for the time it takes to regain our balance. the best spin that can possibly be put on the reactions of your wife is simply that she cannoot comprehend what you are going through and is therefore lashing out in confusion herself. no excuse, but it could help both of you come to a middle ground.

i am here, if i can help at all, dude. never apologize for being yourself. this seems impossible, i know, but you can take pride in the fact that you continue to fight to survive. so many others would have given up. you are learning to navigate the memories, dude...that takes courage, dignity, and integrity.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

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#32840 - 03/28/05 05:32 PM Re: Who am I?
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
Above all, Dude, remember that none of this is your fault. The only thing that's your fault is that somehow you were able to find the strength to get through it. People sometimes don't understand that. They don't know that many times just standing up and walking from place to place is a triumph for us. That's why coming here is so important. We understand. More than that, we want to hear and we want to help.

Keep writing here, Dude. It's not your fault. And, even if you don't know who you are right now, we do. You're one very strong man, who has had a very tough path to follow, and you have made it this far, and, with help, you're going to get through this. We all have to try to believe that, especially in those times when it's so hard to believe anything. Everybody here understands because we've either been there or are there now, and everyone here believes in you. Bobby

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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#32841 - 03/28/05 07:07 PM Re: Who am I?
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
I hope things get better for you. I used to have "emotional leakage", for lack of a better term. My past was trying so hard to come out that I started feeling like that kid again at the age I was treated so badly. My voice and my actions would revert back to whatever age I was stuck at. If I looked really hard at whatever was getting me stuck at that age, whatever it was that my mind was telling me I needed to look at, it was usually very painful and difficult, but it would move me past that age. Does that make any sense?

In my case, I had to move through about 15 years of my life. It was like I missed it all the first time around because of dissociating, so I had to go view it on the moniter so I could move on. I don't know if it would help, but you might ask your therapist about it. Whatever happens, when that kid comes out, get him to talk to you. Find out what it is that's so important for you to feel from him. The demons are in our pasts, but sometimes we take it out on our present.

Hold on. You're doing great work by writing here and feeling what you're feeling. It will get better.

_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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#32842 - 03/29/05 01:35 AM Re: Who am I?
Glen Offline
Member

Registered: 12/14/04
Posts: 71
Loc: Wisconsin
Dude
Keep talking thats the only way to get this crap off your chest. You deserve it more than anyone in your life cause if you cannot be good to yourself you cannot be good to others.

_________________________
Please tell me why..

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#32843 - 03/31/05 08:09 PM Re: Who am I?
Dude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/05
Posts: 116
Loc: Fort Smith, AR
Thank's for all the reply's. it really helps. n forever, i no what u mean. it jus so hard. it like i watch n deal with it then i find out that only part one of a million. N once i think it almost over, i found out i haven't even started. I no i can get thru it, it jus hard as hell. it like whenever i have the strength 2 deal with 1 problem, 10 more prob's gang up on me at the same time. My T's not helpin me much. I feel like he's brushing my feelings off 2 deal with what he's comfortable with. He keeps saying that i am responsiable for me. N i agree totally. No matter what my others do, i am responsible. Fine. But then he say i need 2 tell my wife this n that. N i say i can't cuz one of my others mite take over n do somthin stupid. N he say it won't happen n i in control. Last time that happen, one of my others tried 2 run away n endeded in in nevada, near utah; 300 miles away. He no makin since. i no it prob me, but my way to keep responsibility is to avoid confratation. It like noone understands me except 4 everyone here. N that real good n i appreciate it, it jus hard to live in a world where i can no b me, except here. Here noone judge me, or say i lyin, or yell at me, n i trust people here n i can talk open. But in the real world, i have 2 lock up myself 2 b safe, n noone understand that. Sorry it long n boarring. thank's for listning. N i tryin 2 stop the sorry thing, it jus real hard 4 me. Sorry. Dude


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#32844 - 03/31/05 09:37 PM Re: Who am I?
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Dude,

yes we all believe you, your T maybe trying to make progress, give him time to find out your problems and what you are facing.

We all believe you in here, we all support you, so hang on in here, and keep posting.

It is good that you are venting these things, it is not so easy in a world were you think that nobody cares, but we do, and we have more understanding of the issues.

It can be so hard facing issues head on with a T, then having to tell your wife, it seems like another trip through hell, but talking to us, we will not judge you.

You are a nice guy, confrontations only cause anger, and I know that you have a lot of that to get out into the open, but beware of how your kids take it, and keep them safe, because I know you would never want them hurt.

Fears of losing control can be agonising, and I have been down that road, but it can be achieved, you will regain control, it takes some time, and a lot of effort, but control is yours now, and not of those who did these things to you.

It is so hard, when you find yourself having to keep so much control on your feelings, and deal with all the other problems in life, but we will help, any way we can,

look after you Dude, nothing was ever your fault, and as many times as you read this, believe it, because it was never the fault of any of us,

look after YOU,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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