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#328313 - 04/14/10 02:18 AM no survivor here
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
I get quite a bit of flack for the stuff I write at times. I write about the things that come to bother me so much outside of my life because nobody really wants to hear about the things I personally have to deal with day to day. My daily problems ain't important to folks because it's only me, no one is in my shoes.... no one is even around to see the shoes I'm in. I've really tried to talk about my torture and the effects but it mostly worsens things. Folks here who seem to hate me wouldn't care, so I cycle through here staying silent until I feel I have enough to say about something.

....I say seemingly too much ....I make more enemies ....I cry ....I go back to my worthless life ....I come back again

I know what to expect, if I feel hurt by something and try to say so, I get told that I pretty much deserve it and bring it upon myself for opening my mouth.... So familiar.

It don't matter what I say, someone is going to label me something I'm not, I'm going to get hateful messages, labels fly.... even when I've talked about the abuse I've suffered and what I suffer with now or even how I'm forced to live. I'm told things can't be as bad as what I live with, Nothing matters.... I DON'T EXIST, I am worthless, and it's comforting for people to believe that in order for their world to have some stability.

I have friends who are great but they can only be around as much as their lives allow. I'm nobody's family, makes a big difference... never really belonged to anyone but my perps. I know I don't belong here but I don't know where to go when the world shuts down and I'm all alone waiting for my torment. I don't get the privilage to live a life... but who cares when I'm just fiction. My days just count down, I'm no survivor.

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

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#328322 - 04/14/10 05:49 AM Re: no survivor here [Re: usmc97]
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 507
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
USMC97,

I care.

Remember your buddy Bobcat? Remember the talks we've had in chat? Remember what I told you I would do to help you?

People are more than their opinions or attitudes; they are the miracle of life. Sometimes I think that if we could all remember that, this world would be more peaceful.

You are a miracle of life, buddy. Please remember that someone out here does care about you.

Your MS brother,

Bobcat


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#328329 - 04/14/10 08:27 AM Re: no survivor here [Re: usmc97]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
USMC97 & brother survivor,

You are a survivor never doubt that. You and I have squabbled more than once over an issue that we intensely disagree but that has never changed the fact that you belong here with me and the others on MS. This is a journey that we all share, whether we are straight, gay, bi, black, white, Christian, Atheist, or anything else that on the surface separates us. One thing I’ve learned is we are all in this together. Please understand no matter how hard I push back on things with you I’m with you on this road. Anytime you want to talk of your pain and confusion over your injury I’m here along with most all the other men here. Earlybird

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

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#328330 - 04/14/10 08:31 AM Re: no survivor here [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
USMC97,

It is very true you and I do not agree on much when it comes to things outside our abuse issues. And here I really think that is the only core issue for us - the common pains and hurts we feel.

You struck a note with me when you said that about "being nobody's family". Even though I have family I must admit that I feel that way myself. I have never really made a family of my own and feel I have missed out on something great.

And since we have disagreed in the past I will do so with you now. You DO matter as much as anyone else here including me. You DO belong here as much as anyone else here who is registered. You ARE worthwhile. I sincerely believe these to be true.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#328331 - 04/14/10 08:44 AM Re: no survivor here [Re: prisonerID]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 982
Loc: HULBERT OK
USMC97, The Veterans Adm. Offers councling for MST victoms. Like You and I. It is a place that people like us can talk with other
Veterans . You are NOT alone

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#328335 - 04/14/10 10:04 AM Re: no survivor here [Re: usmc97]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Originally Posted By: usmc97
I write about the things that come to bother me so much outside of my life because nobody really wants to hear about the things I personally have to deal with day to day.

I'm nobody's family,


USMC: You are part of this family here at MS, and there are many men here who want to hear about the things you are having to deal with every day.

Part of my abuse story is that I had to shut down and not speak my truth (I became good about speaking about other things, issues, etc., but not about knowing and speaking from my heart.)

I've never communicated with you, but I am writing to say I NEED to hear where you are at, your struggles, and your journey in recovery to reclaim your purpose in this world.

(Now if guys here choose to only post about politics, labels, etc, I won't be there for them-it is distracting to my healing and outside of what I come to MS for, I've got plenty of places I can vent my opinions, but only THIS place to spill my guts, my pain, and my personal journey.)

And that is the most valuable thing I've got to offer, myself.

Your Brother in Arms,

(Colorado gave birth to the "Mountainous" in my name)

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#328338 - 04/14/10 10:35 AM Re: no survivor here [Re: Mountainous Buck]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 729
Loc: United States
usmc97,

I saw this post just seconds after you made it and I wrote a reply to it immediately. When I went to post that reply I lost it because the board said that the post had been deleted by the author, so I replied directly to you alone.

Now I see the post is back and, while I don't know what happened, all these people are saying the same things I said. Just because people don't agree all the time doesn't mean that they can't care for each other.

It was important for me to make sure you knew that, especially since we certainly didn't agree on the DADT thread. People I disagree with are people I just haven't been able to explain my truth to well enough yet.

As an adopted kid who got given away so many times I didn't ever get the sense of family I needed, I think we have more to talk about that you might think. Don't look so hard for what separates you from others, instead look around and see how much we have in common that connects us.

-efm

_________________________

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

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#328341 - 04/14/10 10:48 AM Re: no survivor here [Re: usmc97]
Zkahtt Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/09
Posts: 6
Loc: Colorado
My fellow vet, you are not alone. As with any family, there are disagreements here, but you DO belong.

please take care,
Zkahtt


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#328342 - 04/14/10 11:05 AM Re: no survivor here [Re: usmc97]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
usmc97,

You are very strong and opinionated on a variety of topics. You say what you feel and mean. You don't beat around the bush. It's refreshing to see someone take a stand on a variety of issues on how you feel. I may agree/disagree but I will echo the other comments bud. You belong here, you are a fellow survivor, your part of this brotherhood of men.

I thought of a few more things. You are entitled to your opinion, just like anyone else is entitled to their opinion. That is what you fought for in the military, thank you for freedom. This is why I love this country and the men and women who fought for it, we can disagree and not worry about having our heads annihilated (at least last since I check, maybe it's changed), being killed cause we don't agree with our leaders or each other, we can have discussions and disagreements. As a fellow survivor I do want you here, you belong here in this family.

Charles.


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#328370 - 04/14/10 01:37 PM Re: no survivor here [Re: Charlie24]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
I have tried to be open about the things I experience both the past and presently. The problem is that when I’ve talked about the things I go through day to day, I get to feeling more alone. I end up being put in a position where I’m supposed to prove my torment and explain all my clinical history. I've said plenty about myself before and there's always a pattern of what response I get. Nobody wants to hear that somebody’s tried everything and that they still haven’t healed. I don’t like to feel criticized for my efforts not having results, I’ve done every med and therapy to exhaustion but somehow it’s my fault every time? There is always a question of my integrity… did I follow doctors orders… take meds correctly… have I completed this therapy or that therapy. The private sector does not know what to do with me, the VA does not know what to do with me. I get pegged as being negative and resistant and bitter and angry, etc, when I am just being honest. The whole “here’s what helped me” does not help me because guess what…. I’ve done it. I have no real “hope”, the things I need to even attempt wellness are not available to me. Why? Because the factors toward my healing are unrealistic….. EVERYTHING I’VE BEEN THROUGH IS UNREALISTIC. I’ve been on this site since NOMSV, since before my current ID, watched folks come and go, and I’m still here just like I keep going to therapy and everything else. I do because there is nothing else but to do these things.

I get frustrated because how many times am I supposed to nod and tell someone thank you for their helpful input? I start out either trying to be appreciative for the thought or just trying to stay silent, I eventually start sounding rude. There becomes no “correct” response from me. People don’t like to be rejected when they are only trying to help, I don’t like feeling like I’m hurting someone’s feelings because what they tell me doesn’t help. So what do I do? What do I say? I don’t know what someone is supposed to say to me and sound supportive. It’s hard when nothing is right. The only “right” I’ve ever had was my time in the military and even that eventually was taken from me. My only real relief anymore is time with friends and I don’t get to control that, they can only be around so much and when I am with them I try to be bearable so that they would give me more time.

Disagreements are fine but getting hateful personal messages from people drives me nuts and it only takes one though there‘s always more, I try to prepare myself but the things folks say in private to me prove my points, they also hurt so bad. I don’t like being right about things, I don’t like being challenged about things that repeatedly get reinforced and somehow I’m supposed to materialize a “correct“ perception. It happens whether I say something about my abuse, my daily life, or something “controversial”. If things are not what they are then why should I report anything different?

I have so much physical pain that I can’t talk about, psychologically I’ve had to live in almost a solitary confinement atmosphere when I‘m no introvert, I get out as much as I‘m able. My torture and abuse don’t seem to make “enough” sense to people, I hate that I don’t even know how many hurt me and no way to ever have justice. Every single one of them got away with the things they did to me then and they’ve left some unexplainable things for me to continue to try and get through.

The things I went through as a kid, the things I go through now, how I have to live and maintain myself… it’s not easy to put it out there to receive criticism…. I feel like my life is not approved by the standards of this site… like I have to have been abused “in the following ways” and I have to now be living in “recovery” as a survivor. There’s where I have found that I am not a survivor, a survivor is someone who still stands after the fact…. I am still in the fact of being abused, not figuratively.

I don't know what's expected that can be attained. It's always lose lose.

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

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#328388 - 04/14/10 04:05 PM Re: no survivor here [Re: usmc97]
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 507
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
USMC97,

I have listened to you tell your story to me in chat, and I hope I was supportive; I wanted and tried to be. I told you that if you tell me something that sounds unusual, then I believe you. "Your word is damned good enough for me." I hope that sounds familiar, buddy.

I'm sorry that you have received hateful PMs - that is not the purpose of this site.

I would like you to consider this perspective. You said that survivors here are always suggesting this or that treatment for your recovery, but that their suggestions are largely useless for you. Buddy, it's how they are showing their support. In my experience, men are more apt to try to help "fix" another's problems, and less inclined simply to listen and offer sympathy. I try to fix others myself sometimes. But it's just how some men show that they care.

You have told me how you are still being abused - and I think I understand it. You don't think of yourself as a "survivor", and therefore, you feel you don't belong here at MaleSurvivor. I just want you to know that I have met other men here who are still being abused, and I consider them - and you - every bit my brothers as someone whose abuse is over.

You belong here, my brother USMC97. As others have said before me, you are family.

I hope this message is helpful to you.

Your loving brother,

Bobcat


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#328396 - 04/14/10 05:21 PM Re: no survivor here [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Hey Kevin:

Alan, Andy, and I met Scott Zkhatt 10 days ago in Broomfield, and Scott and I have been talking about a group get-together in either the Springs or maybe we will do some 4-wheeling uphill and end-up in Cripple Creek for some prime rib and crab legs. You would be welcome to come along, my pickup will hold 5 guys in a pinch, it's a 4-door Dakota. Or maybe we will drive two cars, and Scott will bring his wife along too. Problem is, we live almost 100 miles apart, and there are only so many opportunities to get down there, or for you to come up here. You could drive up here every weekend if you want to, but that would become kind of expensive for you too. You want more social life with guys who have some understanding of this condition, there are a bunch of us around Denver. Heck, I even have a couple of Avs playoff tickets for next Sunday night that are still unspoken for. Maybe meet early downtown for dinner and then experience an Avs playoff game at the Pepsi Center Sunday night?

Wish you could have made the NYC conference, even Mike Lew's workshop there, just for the opportunity to make all of the connections that I was able to make there. Every day I get emails from somebody from Mike Lew's group, just between yesterday and today I must have received 10 emails from this group, plus a number of our members were in attendance too, and I'm certain that some of them will be lifelong friends. You complain about a lack of friends, and if you would just make a little effort, maybe attend one of these groups, you would literally have dozens of people to talk to who have some understanding of this issue, and who won't look down on you or need to know how you're still suffering, people who will accept you for who you are, not for who you were or what happened in your past.

I don't know what you do for work, nor do I know if your boss is as supportive as my boss in Denver was for me. I don't know if you are on disability. What really helped me achieve what I have in recovery is enjoying some understanding support from a number of people. My stepdad was a wonderful guy, very supportive and understanding, my stepdad's friend Jeff had achieved his own success in his own recovery back in the early 1990s and he was quite supportive, after my mom got her Master's degree in counseling with an emphasis on an awareness of sexual abuse recovery issues, and with the support and guidance of my stepdad, we were able to repair our relationship, and then my bosses at work were both very supportive guys, especially our General Manager, who was one of these guys who loved to praise his workforce and supply them with opportunities for his praise.

Like you, I had learned most all of the recovery knowledge, the challenge as with anything is attempting to put that knowledge into daily practice. I got lucky. I had lots of understanding and supportive help in my life, even though as an over-the-road trucker, these people certainly weren't around on a daily basis either. I talked to my boss once or twice per day on the phone and saw him once or twice per week, I talked to my mom and stepdad once per week or less, I saw my stepdad's friend Jeff a couple of times per year on average. I also had a small group of friends here around Denver who knew of my struggle, who were supportive of my progress, and who I saw on the weekend when I was home. To get to where I am these days I had to be willing to take some chances, I had to be willing to risk failure in order to possibly gain from success, and I had to have some better coping skills than withdrawing and acting out or inwards with cocaine too. The process of rebuilding my self-esteem and self-confidence was a large part of my success, as doing so enabled me to take greater steps entailing greater risk without a fear of failure, and for your recovery to be successful, we will need to figure-out a way to build your self-esteem and self-confidence too.

This is what really worked for me, this is what got me away from obsessing about my past to gradually moving away from the restrictions of from my past, to the point where I was gradually able to "let-go" of my past and ever more confidently embrace a future increasingly unafficted by my past. I had to have understanding and supportive help to accomplish this transition, I couldn't have done this on my own.

Do you have a copy of Ken Singer's new book, EVICTING THE PERPETRATOR? If you don't, I would be willing to let you borrow mine. In my own opinion, Ken's book is a great book for those of us trying to move beyond mid to advanced stage recovery, much as Mic Hunter's book ABUSED BOYS is a great introductory text for those just coming into recovery. Occupying the middle ground is Mike Lew's book VICTIMS NO LONGER, and all 3 books do overlap some.

Anyhow, we can't change the past, all that we can do is resolve to make a fresh start, be willing to make a few "baby steps", take a few small risks, be willing to open ourselves-up just a little bit, and try to meet people who might be able to help us halfway, even part of the way. There are 8 MS members around Denver who are all working their way through mid to advanced recovery, plus an unknown number of other guys attending either Kempe or Wings recovery groups too. I know that Wings has 3 Denver-area groups weekly plus a group in Boulder. I do not know what the Kempe Center offers, I attended a Wings group in Lakewood myself in 1996.

So in my own opinion Kevin, the key to moving forward through advanced recovery is in finding enough in the way of supportive and understanding people who are willing to overlook our faults and praise our strengths to eventually regain the self-esteem and self-confidence that has been missing from our lives. Once we are secure in ourselves and our abilities it becomes much easier to "let-go" of the past and embrace our future unafflicted by our past. I won't kid you, it is a gradual process, and there may yet be some setbacks to overcome too. If you are willing to take a chance and keep taking chances, I'm willing to try to meet you halfway, I'm sure that Andy and Alan would be too.

You have to be willing to take a chance and meet us halfway, you have to be willing to try to have an open mind, you have to be willing to try to let-go of the past and its many setbacks and attempt to move forward once again without your past.

Let us know,

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#328413 - 04/14/10 09:04 PM Re: no survivor here [Re: Trucker51]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
I don’t have the ability to leave things in the past or “let go” because things are not just in the past, maybe that’s too much to comprehend. I do have friends and work really hard to maintain my relationships with them, it just gets really tough with all the limitations of time and distance combined with the restrictions I have. I am on disability, it don’t much show in appearance but yes the issues are there. I do everything that I am capable of doing when I am able, I am not always able, I don‘t get to choose.

It’s impossible for me to travel by myself most of the time and takes forever when I do, takes 3 hours or more just for me to go to Denver which is the farthest I’ve been able to go alone for years.

I’ve been to WINGS, they failed me miserably, they deemed me and what I deal with as too much. The VA has done what they can and also failed to even provide general safety for me to be assaulted in their care. Groups of “survivors” hasn’t been he best experience for me, I’ve found that what I go through is not accepted when it comes down to it with most folks. I don’t have enough left to play around with failure and taking “risks”, I don’t respond as others do, I know myself and I know what I was before. There’s no practice to be had with coping or anything else, it doesn’t help, I know what helps just don‘t get to have much of it. Problem is not having very much relief to combat all I have to go through, I don’t get anything to self medicate or take anything away. This is real, no "playing victim" crap.(other post got me upset to read that because I don't know how many times I've been labeled)

I would like to meet you guys all together but I don’t want to give a false expectation… I don’t get to choose who I feel safe around, it just happens. I’ve met Alan before, and Andy I feel is pretty close to me. I also met a couple other guys from up there but it’s been so long, MarkK and KenKen, if you’re still out there.

I do understand people try to care, I don't know how to balance good intensions with the hurt it might cause, I'll tell someone that they are not helping. If I haven't said that directly to someone, then you haven't made me feel hurt.

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

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#328416 - 04/14/10 10:40 PM Re: no survivor here [Re: usmc97]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
"I don’t have the ability to leave things in the past or “let go” because things are not just in the past, maybe that’s too much to comprehend".

I used to feel that way myself, always blaming this, that, or the other thing for my actions or current thoughts, never being able to separate my past from my present. I know how much it hurts to lose something too, at one time I was a teenage gang member in Pontiac, MI and I had lots of friends, and lots of people who either respected me or feared me. When my parents moved away to Cleveland when I was age 19, it kind of yanked the rug out from under me. It hasn't been until recently that I have been able to enjoy a social group anywhere near as large as the one that I was forced to leave behind in Michigan in 1975.

I still firmly believe that in order to get to where you would like to be, you will have to learn how to separate yourself from the bad parts of your past, and separate the bad parts of your past from who you are in the present. It may be a lengthy struggle, trying to cut away this part or that, or you could do what someone else suggested, get an old suitcase, put all of your "baggage" in it, and toss it out of the car window on the freeway at high speed, try to make a quick break from your past. You have to learn to live in the present, and learn to build for the future, you have to be willing to let the past go.

Years ago after so many of their old steel mills closed and the jobs were lost, the city of Youngstown, Ohio paid a noted urban planner from England to come to Youngstown to see if he could help the city recapture its past glory. He took one look and told them to tear down all of the old abandoned steel mills and get that memory out of their mind, he told them that with all of the abandoned mills sitting there, and all of the finger-pointing as to why the past had left them, that they were never going to be able to embrace their present reality and plan to move forward without their past. Much as they didn't like what he had to say then, he was right.

I know that it is hard when the present seems so intertwined with the past, but in order to get to your future without your past affecting it, you have to start to let-go of your past somewhere. You know all of the recovery information, you even think that you know what works and what doesn't. Nothing is going to work if you keep hanging on to your past and keep blaming it for your present. You have to start somewhere to release your past Kevin, and let me remind you that recovery is a whole lot easier when we have supportive people around us than it is alone.

I will be busy with school through the first weekend in May, then I will have a few weeks to give. Would you like to try to plan a get-together for mid-May? Alan has never taken Gold Camp Rd yet, I think that he would enjoy that, maybe take a look at the Broadmoor Hotel then head uphill, hit the American Eagle overlook in Victor, just us at the top of a mountain, surrounded by miles of CC&V gold strip mine, it would be a good remote place to talk and get to know one another. Then hit Cripple Creek for a casino buffet, have you home in time for supper???

Let us know, there is a way to move away from your past.

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#328430 - 04/15/10 01:08 AM Re: no survivor here [Re: Trucker51]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
You hear me but you are not listening to me!!!

It's not some emotional feeling it is how my life is, I was not always this thing I am now. There is no separation between my past and what I go through now, I don't know how to make anyone get that. This is what I ment by having to both be abused in an approved format and then "recovering" by a "survivor recognized" standard. I know it is not your intention but it is belittling to tell me that I don't know what I know. I am not just stuck in some psychological loop. Please don't come at me with this preconceived approach. I just went through the process of all of this on here, I already said this is the type of thing that's said to me and to what it translates into.




with the other part I could not commit to something like that, I'd need a safer initial meeting.

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

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#328433 - 04/15/10 01:41 AM Re: no survivor here [Re: usmc97]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Recovery for me means to unlearn a whole lot of what got us to this point, and to learn then put into practice a better way to proceed. In my case this meant separating myself from my past, which happened gradually, as I put into practice more positive thoughts and actions, and gradually abandoned the negativity of my past thoughts and actions, as I learned to overcome my shame and my penchant for blaming others and events in my past.

What you are in effect saying (correct me if I am wrong) is that you are in worse shape now after lots of time in recovery, than you once were before your recovery even started? If that is true, then you are dealing with the effects of PTSD, one of the symptoms is starting to remember bits and pieces of what you have blocked-out from your active memory, then as more negative memories pour out, it gradually leads to a disabling condition.

How much of your victimization did you have good memories of your entire life since it happened? In my case, I remembered all of it the entire way since it happened, I never blocked any of it out. I do suffer from mild dissociation from time to time, but that nothing but a minor annoyance to some people when I drift off in conversation or I lose my keys. Are we talking recovered memories here, where you had a good life before you started remembering, then everything since has been a slippery slope? I'm not asking you to block-out your good memories, just your bad memories from who you are at present.

Bring your gold card, we'll go to the Broadmoor for dinner instead of going 4-wheeling.

Here are some photos of where I proposed going, just 40 miles west of where you live.

http://stevegarufi.com/americaneagleoutlook6.jpg

http://stevegarufi.com/americaneagleoutlook7.jpg

http://stevegarufi.com/americaneagleoutlook11.jpg

http://www.broadmoor.com/restaurants-colorado-springs.php

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#328436 - 04/15/10 02:18 AM Dissociative Disorder [Re: usmc97]
recovery Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/11/07
Posts: 39
what is dissociative disorder. i don't think. there are two people inside of me. but, sometimes. i have triggers. and feel like their are two parts of me. i will look at something. and space out. and have a trigger. like my emotional pain is stuck in my subconscious mind. the emotional pain is like another ego. but, not too people inside of me.


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#328506 - 04/15/10 02:35 PM Re: no survivor here [Re: Trucker51]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
I don't blame anybody for things I am responsible for, I seem to have the rare reality where there is a direct effect upon my life at the hands of my perps.

I don't claim to be in recovery, again, something that would have to be after the fact. I'm an expert on PTSD, it's the closest clinical diagnosis but it does not give explanation to all the things I experience. I didn't block things out, my memory was taken from me, something induced. The problem is not having bad memories, I had plenty of those before even if this stuff wasn't included. The problem is what was done to me then and what is done to me now.

I've been disabled from the military for years, 100% because of the things done to me. I don't know how to explain everything in a way to be understood.



I can't meet that way, not safe

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

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#328507 - 04/15/10 02:46 PM Re: no survivor here [Re: usmc97]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
I'm out the door heading downtown to school, where would you suggest that would be safer?

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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