Newest Members
RodrigoBR, MJ545, Marant, BeingFound, journey4two
12332 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
cricket453 (60)
Who's Online
4 registered (hike1972, randombreeze, aniceguy, 1 invisible), 17 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12332 Members
74 Forums
63412 Topics
443345 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#328313 - 04/14/10 02:18 AM no survivor here
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
I get quite a bit of flack for the stuff I write at times. I write about the things that come to bother me so much outside of my life because nobody really wants to hear about the things I personally have to deal with day to day. My daily problems ain't important to folks because it's only me, no one is in my shoes.... no one is even around to see the shoes I'm in. I've really tried to talk about my torture and the effects but it mostly worsens things. Folks here who seem to hate me wouldn't care, so I cycle through here staying silent until I feel I have enough to say about something.

....I say seemingly too much ....I make more enemies ....I cry ....I go back to my worthless life ....I come back again

I know what to expect, if I feel hurt by something and try to say so, I get told that I pretty much deserve it and bring it upon myself for opening my mouth.... So familiar.

It don't matter what I say, someone is going to label me something I'm not, I'm going to get hateful messages, labels fly.... even when I've talked about the abuse I've suffered and what I suffer with now or even how I'm forced to live. I'm told things can't be as bad as what I live with, Nothing matters.... I DON'T EXIST, I am worthless, and it's comforting for people to believe that in order for their world to have some stability.

I have friends who are great but they can only be around as much as their lives allow. I'm nobody's family, makes a big difference... never really belonged to anyone but my perps. I know I don't belong here but I don't know where to go when the world shuts down and I'm all alone waiting for my torment. I don't get the privilage to live a life... but who cares when I'm just fiction. My days just count down, I'm no survivor.

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

Top
#328322 - 04/14/10 05:49 AM Re: no survivor here [Re: usmc97]
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 507
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
USMC97,

I care.

Remember your buddy Bobcat? Remember the talks we've had in chat? Remember what I told you I would do to help you?

People are more than their opinions or attitudes; they are the miracle of life. Sometimes I think that if we could all remember that, this world would be more peaceful.

You are a miracle of life, buddy. Please remember that someone out here does care about you.

Your MS brother,

Bobcat


Top
#328329 - 04/14/10 08:27 AM Re: no survivor here [Re: usmc97]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
USMC97 & brother survivor,

You are a survivor never doubt that. You and I have squabbled more than once over an issue that we intensely disagree but that has never changed the fact that you belong here with me and the others on MS. This is a journey that we all share, whether we are straight, gay, bi, black, white, Christian, Atheist, or anything else that on the surface separates us. One thing I’ve learned is we are all in this together. Please understand no matter how hard I push back on things with you I’m with you on this road. Anytime you want to talk of your pain and confusion over your injury I’m here along with most all the other men here. Earlybird

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

Top
#328330 - 04/14/10 08:31 AM Re: no survivor here [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
USMC97,

It is very true you and I do not agree on much when it comes to things outside our abuse issues. And here I really think that is the only core issue for us - the common pains and hurts we feel.

You struck a note with me when you said that about "being nobody's family". Even though I have family I must admit that I feel that way myself. I have never really made a family of my own and feel I have missed out on something great.

And since we have disagreed in the past I will do so with you now. You DO matter as much as anyone else here including me. You DO belong here as much as anyone else here who is registered. You ARE worthwhile. I sincerely believe these to be true.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

Top
#328331 - 04/14/10 08:44 AM Re: no survivor here [Re: prisonerID]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 980
Loc: HULBERT OK
USMC97, The Veterans Adm. Offers councling for MST victoms. Like You and I. It is a place that people like us can talk with other
Veterans . You are NOT alone

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

Top
#328335 - 04/14/10 10:04 AM Re: no survivor here [Re: usmc97]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Originally Posted By: usmc97
I write about the things that come to bother me so much outside of my life because nobody really wants to hear about the things I personally have to deal with day to day.

I'm nobody's family,


USMC: You are part of this family here at MS, and there are many men here who want to hear about the things you are having to deal with every day.

Part of my abuse story is that I had to shut down and not speak my truth (I became good about speaking about other things, issues, etc., but not about knowing and speaking from my heart.)

I've never communicated with you, but I am writing to say I NEED to hear where you are at, your struggles, and your journey in recovery to reclaim your purpose in this world.

(Now if guys here choose to only post about politics, labels, etc, I won't be there for them-it is distracting to my healing and outside of what I come to MS for, I've got plenty of places I can vent my opinions, but only THIS place to spill my guts, my pain, and my personal journey.)

And that is the most valuable thing I've got to offer, myself.

Your Brother in Arms,

(Colorado gave birth to the "Mountainous" in my name)

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

Top
#328338 - 04/14/10 10:35 AM Re: no survivor here [Re: Mountainous Buck]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 728
Loc: United States
usmc97,

I saw this post just seconds after you made it and I wrote a reply to it immediately. When I went to post that reply I lost it because the board said that the post had been deleted by the author, so I replied directly to you alone.

Now I see the post is back and, while I don't know what happened, all these people are saying the same things I said. Just because people don't agree all the time doesn't mean that they can't care for each other.

It was important for me to make sure you knew that, especially since we certainly didn't agree on the DADT thread. People I disagree with are people I just haven't been able to explain my truth to well enough yet.

As an adopted kid who got given away so many times I didn't ever get the sense of family I needed, I think we have more to talk about that you might think. Don't look so hard for what separates you from others, instead look around and see how much we have in common that connects us.

-efm

_________________________

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

Top
#328341 - 04/14/10 10:48 AM Re: no survivor here [Re: usmc97]
Zkahtt Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/09
Posts: 6
Loc: Colorado
My fellow vet, you are not alone. As with any family, there are disagreements here, but you DO belong.

please take care,
Zkahtt


Top
#328342 - 04/14/10 11:05 AM Re: no survivor here [Re: usmc97]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
usmc97,

You are very strong and opinionated on a variety of topics. You say what you feel and mean. You don't beat around the bush. It's refreshing to see someone take a stand on a variety of issues on how you feel. I may agree/disagree but I will echo the other comments bud. You belong here, you are a fellow survivor, your part of this brotherhood of men.

I thought of a few more things. You are entitled to your opinion, just like anyone else is entitled to their opinion. That is what you fought for in the military, thank you for freedom. This is why I love this country and the men and women who fought for it, we can disagree and not worry about having our heads annihilated (at least last since I check, maybe it's changed), being killed cause we don't agree with our leaders or each other, we can have discussions and disagreements. As a fellow survivor I do want you here, you belong here in this family.

Charles.


Top
#328370 - 04/14/10 01:37 PM Re: no survivor here [Re: Charlie24]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
I have tried to be open about the things I experience both the past and presently. The problem is that when I’ve talked about the things I go through day to day, I get to feeling more alone. I end up being put in a position where I’m supposed to prove my torment and explain all my clinical history. I've said plenty about myself before and there's always a pattern of what response I get. Nobody wants to hear that somebody’s tried everything and that they still haven’t healed. I don’t like to feel criticized for my efforts not having results, I’ve done every med and therapy to exhaustion but somehow it’s my fault every time? There is always a question of my integrity… did I follow doctors orders… take meds correctly… have I completed this therapy or that therapy. The private sector does not know what to do with me, the VA does not know what to do with me. I get pegged as being negative and resistant and bitter and angry, etc, when I am just being honest. The whole “here’s what helped me” does not help me because guess what…. I’ve done it. I have no real “hope”, the things I need to even attempt wellness are not available to me. Why? Because the factors toward my healing are unrealistic….. EVERYTHING I’VE BEEN THROUGH IS UNREALISTIC. I’ve been on this site since NOMSV, since before my current ID, watched folks come and go, and I’m still here just like I keep going to therapy and everything else. I do because there is nothing else but to do these things.

I get frustrated because how many times am I supposed to nod and tell someone thank you for their helpful input? I start out either trying to be appreciative for the thought or just trying to stay silent, I eventually start sounding rude. There becomes no “correct” response from me. People don’t like to be rejected when they are only trying to help, I don’t like feeling like I’m hurting someone’s feelings because what they tell me doesn’t help. So what do I do? What do I say? I don’t know what someone is supposed to say to me and sound supportive. It’s hard when nothing is right. The only “right” I’ve ever had was my time in the military and even that eventually was taken from me. My only real relief anymore is time with friends and I don’t get to control that, they can only be around so much and when I am with them I try to be bearable so that they would give me more time.

Disagreements are fine but getting hateful personal messages from people drives me nuts and it only takes one though there‘s always more, I try to prepare myself but the things folks say in private to me prove my points, they also hurt so bad. I don’t like being right about things, I don’t like being challenged about things that repeatedly get reinforced and somehow I’m supposed to materialize a “correct“ perception. It happens whether I say something about my abuse, my daily life, or something “controversial”. If things are not what they are then why should I report anything different?

I have so much physical pain that I can’t talk about, psychologically I’ve had to live in almost a solitary confinement atmosphere when I‘m no introvert, I get out as much as I‘m able. My torture and abuse don’t seem to make “enough” sense to people, I hate that I don’t even know how many hurt me and no way to ever have justice. Every single one of them got away with the things they did to me then and they’ve left some unexplainable things for me to continue to try and get through.

The things I went through as a kid, the things I go through now, how I have to live and maintain myself… it’s not easy to put it out there to receive criticism…. I feel like my life is not approved by the standards of this site… like I have to have been abused “in the following ways” and I have to now be living in “recovery” as a survivor. There’s where I have found that I am not a survivor, a survivor is someone who still stands after the fact…. I am still in the fact of being abused, not figuratively.

I don't know what's expected that can be attained. It's always lose lose.

_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.