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#328245 - 04/13/10 05:37 PM My Story to date
james 1959 Offline


Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 283
After 46 years of torture and grief ive finaly come to the end of the road.I never knew how much the csa had affeced my life i guess i accecpted it as part of me with all the torture and grief. Every day from it all began to this point in my life i would think about it i hated myself very much and wondered why did it have to be me . What did i do wrong to attact the beast. i kept it to my self all these years as i was so ashamed i was lonley and scared.

it left me with a lot of unanwserd questions and most of all i could not identifty who i was in life Having mixed feeling about my own sexualty was the worst night mare of all i didnt understand at a young age who i was ment to be. I was sexual abused by my uncle from the age of six. it made me very caucious of male company. i found it hard to trust a male man i kept men at a distance most of my life i went on to be bullied beaten and abused at school there didnt seem to be any break from the abuse. i left school a shy young guy at 16 got my first job only to be sexualy abused again why me i wounder why.


The first sign of relief i thought was when i met my wife at the age of 18 i fell in love with her we got married 2 years later and havea family of 4 one girl 3 boys im lucky in that respect they have brought me a lot of happiness and joy to my life


But the Ghost from the past never went away deep in side i was tortured night and day i never could get peace of mind not knowing who i was and what was my identity in life. i was frightened to come out and say and look of help


At the start of this year 2010 i could nottake much more of the pain and grief i had to address the past to get peace in my life i came here to ms not knowing who i was but i was prepared to find out i was going to be honest with my self and accecpt my self for who i was in life

Ive had 3 months now addressing the past it been a painful journey to date . Some days i wish i had not gone back to the past as the pain and the grief was so hard to bear and i should have let sleeping dogs lay.

But i began to tackle each bit at a time and piece the jigsaw of my life together some bits i did not like but i had to do it to get peace in my mind

To date ive move on with my life the pain and grief has eased alot i accecpt myself for who i am now and its brought a lot of peace to my life. i cant change my past but i can shape my own furture .

I hope and pray that each guy in here can find peace and rest with themself in life each and everyone of you deserve it

God bless to all your friend a surviver

James 1959

_________________________
We are brothers on a journey,and companions on the road
We are here to help each other share the burden and the Load

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#328251 - 04/13/10 06:31 PM Re: My Story to date [Re: james 1959]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 729
Loc: United States
Welcome James,

We're here to listen to your experience and to share ours. Thanks for trusting us enough to be part of MaleSurvivor.

I look forward to getting to know you and learn more of your story.

-efm

_________________________

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

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#329087 - 04/20/10 08:30 PM Re: My Story to date [Re: james 1959]
Steelfish Offline


Registered: 03/19/10
Posts: 11
Loc: Florida
James,

You have left me "speechless" with your eloquent introduction. Thank you for letting us in to your suffering and self renewal here at MS. Your writing is truly an inspiration and gives me much needed hope.

Kindest Regards,

Steelfish

_________________________
Its ok to grieve the past as long as you eventually accept the truth. Try to be present in the here and now...the future will follow shortly thereafter.

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#329162 - 04/21/10 10:58 AM Re: My Story to date [Re: Steelfish]
james 1959 Offline


Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 283
Thank you Mark and Steelfish for taking the time to comment on my story to date i very much value the help and support at a time when it is needed if i can help or bring comfort hope and support to any one in male survivors with my expierance dealing with csa it helps heal the pain in my life so i can move on with my life

Once again thank you very much
James

_________________________
We are brothers on a journey,and companions on the road
We are here to help each other share the burden and the Load

Top
#329232 - 04/21/10 05:41 PM Re: My Story to date [Re: james 1959]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
james, we're glad to have you here and glad to see you posting since joining. 46 years is a lot of days and nights to carry around this burden by yourself, but now you don't have to deal with on your own anymore.

warm regards,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#329233 - 04/21/10 06:00 PM Re: My Story to date [Re: Sans Logos]
james 1959 Offline


Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 283
im glad to be here ron at the begining of this year i had enought and needed to sort this mess in my life out i felt very lonely,scared afraid and ashamed to speak out and tell someone since coming to ms im gaining strenght day by day to sort csa out

thanks for your concern and comments it helps alot for my journey to recovery

James

_________________________
We are brothers on a journey,and companions on the road
We are here to help each other share the burden and the Load

Top
#329254 - 04/21/10 09:54 PM Re: My Story to date [Re: james 1959]
sparkyxxix Offline


Registered: 04/20/10
Posts: 17
Hi James, and welcome. I felt myself identifying with you and your story really resonated with me. I'm glad we have both come to the MS forum to share, give and receive support. Look forward to more interactions with you in the future.

Sparky


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#329373 - 04/22/10 06:21 PM Re: My Story to date [Re: sparkyxxix]
james 1959 Offline


Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 283
Hi sparky thank you for your kind words of comfort and support hope we can catch up some time and help each other on the road to recovery

Thanks

James

_________________________
We are brothers on a journey,and companions on the road
We are here to help each other share the burden and the Load

Top
#329441 - 04/23/10 07:55 AM Re: My Story to date [Re: james 1959]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
James,

Welcome! Congratulations on your wonderful family and what is obviously an ability to surround yourself with love in spite of having your ability to love and trust used against you at such a young age. I hope your work here provides you ultimately with relief, comfort and solace from the evil you endured.

all the best,

Kevin

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#329442 - 04/23/10 08:19 AM Re: My Story to date [Re: sono]
iciyapitate Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/22/10
Posts: 13
Loc: sandy, oregon
James,
It is because of stories like yours and men like you that i came to this site. thank you
in your healing , i am healing too
Iciyapi Tate'

_________________________
Iciyapi Tate'

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