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#327685 - 04/07/10 11:06 PM Is This How I'm am to Die?
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
Is this how I am to die?
Until then
I never thought of it
Now I simply want to cry


There is a need in me.
Even now,
I keep it hidden
Important to leave it be


I talked to one of you tonight
About this
With the tap on his keyboard
He spoke with caring tears of my plight


Iíve wondered all these years why
No one
Has asked how I felt
About my death the night I thought I was going to die

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

Top
#327964 - 04/10/10 04:34 PM Re: Is This How I'm am to Die? [Re: earlybird]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11134
Loc: Denver, CO
*head propped on hand, nodding*

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#328002 - 04/11/10 09:21 AM Re: Is This How I'm am to Die? [Re: FormerTexan]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
"Your head propped on hand, nodding"?
I don't understand
My head propped on hand, sobbing
Do you understand



Edited by earlybird (04/11/10 09:22 AM)
_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

Top
#328101 - 04/12/10 03:32 PM Re: Is This How I'm am to Die? [Re: earlybird]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 729
Loc: United States
The more I read this, the less definite I am about what it's telling me.

At first, it seemed like a grieving for recognizing that we might die carrying the burden we were handed, and a sense of the race being over before we manage to get to the finish line. There is also the assault to our whole selves, the feeling of annihilation that comes from the physical reality of our abuse and the idea that even though we survived in body there was still a "little death" of some part of our selves that happened in it's wake.

Reading it again I wonder if part of the injury here is the awareness of mortality and adult sexuality being pushed on someone way earlier than they should have to carry it. Or that the awareness of mortality now makes us realize that there is more of the race behind than ahead - essentially that we are running out of time. So why can't we make the disclosures we need? Why do we resist the need to recover?

At the end, it seems like when people do hear what we have to tell them, it's so hard for them to take in that no one thinks to ask what impact the abuse had on us. As if the enormity, the taboo nature and the silence around this kind of abuse makes it impossible for some to ask "How are you feeling?"

-efm

_________________________

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

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#328158 - 04/13/10 01:40 AM Re: Is This How I'm am to Die? [Re: Ever-fixed Mark]
Regs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/03/08
Posts: 149
Loc: Oklahoma
Let's chat

Regs

_________________________
WoR Sequoia Alumni, April 2010

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#328162 - 04/13/10 02:19 AM Re: Is This How I'm am to Die? [Re: Regs]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11134
Loc: Denver, CO
3rd paragraph is what I found myself relating to. I have had many such chats in the past.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

Top
#328181 - 04/13/10 08:07 AM Re: Is This How I'm am to Die? [Re: FormerTexan]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
Thanks to each of you for the kindness shown.

This poemís meaning was not speaking to a metaphor death. The night of my rape as I was being suffocated and losing consciousness I came to understand that, this, was how I was going to die. Worst yet that the last thing Iíd remember, as I succumb to his desires was him pushing inside of me.

I didnít want that to be my death thought.

I have a fear in me now that when my actual death comes I will fall back to my false death and the memories of his movements will be my final thoughts. I have so much beauty in my world and is THIS going to be my last memory? I want to think of the loveliness of my wife. I want to float over the magnificence in the natural beauty of earth. I want to be remembering the amazing things man has done not this guyís body ripping into me!

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

Top


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