I'm starting to see new things that show me that I have been affected by that abuse in ways that have never occured to me before. Levels.
The anger, the way I react to things that upsets others who cannot imagine what I see as being a real possibility and those who object because I have thwarted their plans of manipulating freely.
The way I simply accept things in daily life or what people say no matter what it is. That boundary is clear to me, you say it its yours not mine, yet so many attribute to me the implications and responsibilities of what they say.
Apparently my comfort with allowing others to be themselves isn't what others see. They appear to me now to have been thinking I was fucked up because I am comfortable talking about anything w/o applying prejudice. The way I use what others say and how they think to adapt to that persons world so I can teach them how to be better isn't seen for what it is. No one seems to pay attention to actions. It has become a world of judging by the cover as if that were somehow right.
I am a chameleon and most often have adapted to rough and deviant people probably mainly because of the abuse and my discomfort with normals also from the abuse, but mainly to befriend them so I could point the direction home as it were. Everyone can be rehabilitated is the impetus that sent me down this path as a result of the abuse in fact I adopted it during the abuse. Yes I was that kind of kid, not unlike whats his face's character in Pay it Forward. That too was probably my reaction to the abuse. I am recalling this for the first time. I think I even argued that I could help pedo's. Kids are nothing if not idealistic.
I realize now no one who knows me would give me credit for this because unlike me they were attributing prejudice's, pre-adopted definitions, bigottry, and attitudes to the words I spoke instead of listening to them and thinking. I think I'm refering to those looking in not my intended interlocutor. Though they have also misunderstood me.
It really is true, people are stupid bastard coated bastards with bastard filling.
The rare few I have met who give the benefit of the doubt first and hav proper boundaries are in a small enclave in Wa. state and a few folks in NJ. NJ is where I learned to be this way.
It used to be part of American culture to be this way now we seem to have been dragged down into third world culture of uneducated superstitious people who can be whipped up into a violent frenzy by a few words spoken in the name of one of those superstitions. These were the things people came to America to get away from.
AAAAHAHHHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA! big sigh. and scene :-]
The impotence of anger is almost as painful and damaging as bieng abused.
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.