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#328006 - 04/11/10 09:40 AM I think I am different than most on MS
wayne9 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 161
Loc: alabama
I read when most on MS talk about there abuser. Seems that most have different reactions to this person than I. I know where he lives. He is in the same place I am at times. For example.....I there is a death in my family or someone close to my parents. He sometimes will be at the funeral. Here in the south ( at least this area) there is a thing called decoration day. Its a once a year thing were the cemetery's are decorated. Were my Mom, Grandparents are buried this day is always on Mother's Day. He will most times be at this also. He has spoken to me, he is a old friend of my Dad. I think he thinks I don't remember. He acts as if nothing ever happened. I sometimes think I should ask..."do you have any idea what a screwed of life you have caused me to have." I have never really felt anger toward him and now as I have reviled my CSA I do seem to have mixed emotions toward seeing him. That day is coming soon (decoration day) and I am wondering how I will respond if he is there this year and will it cause some triggers that I might not want to happen as I will be with family and friends and don't want to do anything that would cause people to ask whats going on.

Do any of you feel this way. Do most not know where there abuser is now. I feel very stange that I don't have the "hate" that I hear some talking about on MS.

Wayne



Edited by wayne9 (04/11/10 01:43 PM)

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#328008 - 04/11/10 10:48 AM Re: I think I am different than most on MS [Re: wayne9]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 728
Loc: United States
Hey Wayne,

I don't tend to talk about my abuser much at all. It's not through fear, or denial, or because I have some kind of complicated "feelings" about him. The him that is alive and getting his name on buildings today doesn't matter much too me.

My recovery is all about me. Where I am in the world, how I'm navigating the waters around me, who else is there to support me and be supported by me. Sometimes I feel that we can give the abuser more attention than they deserve, but the truth is that relationship and it's consequences are the core of how some people move forward in recovery. It's different for all of us.

When I hear the anger that many feel towards their abusers I feel like I must have missed a step. I feel a kind of righteous indignation - a sense of "How dare he" - but I don't have the energy to hate him. It's just too much effort that could be directed to what I need.

Don't feel like there is a pattern you need to be following. Everyone has different ways they relate and work through things. Your way is likely the best way for you.

-efm

_________________________

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

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#328012 - 04/11/10 11:35 AM Re: I think I am different than most on MS [Re: Ever-fixed Mark]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Wayne,

I am really sorry that you must suffer with the continual re-victimization involved with seeing your perp on a recurring basis. I read your story to try and understand more clearly where you're coming from. I of course can't understand the full breadth of your feelings about your perp, but I feel like I do get a sense of how the abuse might have been and the conflicting emotions surrounding this SOB for you.

I hesitate to make suggestions, particularly of an "I did this" manner, but I guess I'm going to suggest thinking about something by way of inviting you to read, if you haven't already, the story of my now week old confrontation with my perp. Since this is a person who feels free to invade your space, and I do see it that way, you might choose to do the same and perhaps make him think twice about continuing to do so. Why do I call it him invading your space when he shows up at these things you may ask. I call it that because not only did this scum steal so much from you through the abuse, he continues to do so by showing up in these places. Now you might say, well those are events that he would just go to..well I say, if you know he's going to be there, then HE knows YOU'RE going to be there and yet he still chooses to come and rub his vile abuse of you right in your face. I hope this is making your angry the way I put this Wayne, because you deserve to find some of that anger in my opinion. You say you find it strange that you don't have that "anger' that many talk about here...of course not, this child molester not only f***ed with you body and sexuality, he also f***ed with your head. Whether you remember it or not, in some way he made it clear that you were in the number two position, which you were, but that you were not allowed bad feelings about him, hell, you weren't allowed any feelings at all other than those which served his purposed. These abusers can control us in our minds years, decades later without our awareness...we think it's us. "I" don't feel anger...when I think the more appropriate phrase might be..."HE didn't allow me to feel anger then, and I still haven't learned how...I am still not allowed this". I think it is important...personally I feel the I don't feel anger thing, is part and parcel of the "I don't allow myself to feel" thing which is common for many of us.

To try and answer one of your questions..."do any of you feel this way"...I'm not sure exactly which "this way" you meant, but if you meant, not feeling anger toward the abuser, this I can absolutely say "I felt that way". It's been fantastic feeling it now! Feeling the anger is like a way of standing up for yourself I think...perhaps more so for some types of survivors than others. Certainly one doesn't want to remain in a useless anger loop, but I sure think it's a necessary stage along the way.

Here is the link to my confrontation story in case you haven't seen it and are interested in what that looked like for me...

http://malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads...7500#Post327500

Furthermore Wayne, if you're interested in survivors' relationships to their perps, I have written extensively on site about my perp. You can easily find those in my posts, or I can link you if you'd like.

Let me say though how much you are doing the right thing by talking about these very real issues for you here on site.

all the best,

K

_________________________
the family
the perp

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