I am really sorry that you must suffer with the continual re-victimization involved with seeing your perp on a recurring basis. I read your story to try and understand more clearly where you're coming from. I of course can't understand the full breadth of your feelings about your perp, but I feel like I do get a sense of how the abuse might have been and the conflicting emotions surrounding this SOB for you.
I hesitate to make suggestions, particularly of an "I did this" manner, but I guess I'm going to suggest thinking about something by way of inviting you to read, if you haven't already, the story of my now week old confrontation with my perp. Since this is a person who feels free to invade your space, and I do see it that way, you might choose to do the same and perhaps make him think twice about continuing to do so. Why do I call it him invading your space when he shows up at these things you may ask. I call it that because not only did this scum steal so much from you through the abuse, he continues to do so by showing up in these places. Now you might say, well those are events that he would just go to..well I say, if you know he's going to be there, then HE knows YOU'RE going to be there and yet he still chooses to come and rub his vile abuse of you right in your face. I hope this is making your angry the way I put this Wayne, because you deserve to find some of that anger in my opinion. You say you find it strange that you don't have that "anger' that many talk about here...of course not, this child molester not only f***ed with you body and sexuality, he also f***ed with your head. Whether you remember it or not, in some way he made it clear that you were in the number two position, which you were, but that you were not allowed bad feelings about him, hell, you weren't allowed any feelings at all other than those which served his purposed. These abusers can control us in our minds years, decades later without our awareness...we think it's us. "I" don't feel anger...when I think the more appropriate phrase might be..."HE didn't allow me to feel anger then, and I still haven't learned how...I am still not allowed this". I think it is important...personally I feel the I don't feel anger thing, is part and parcel of the "I don't allow myself to feel" thing which is common for many of us.
To try and answer one of your questions..."do any of you feel this way"...I'm not sure exactly which "this way" you meant, but if you meant, not feeling anger toward the abuser, this I can absolutely say "I felt that way". It's been fantastic feeling it now! Feeling the anger is like a way of standing up for yourself I think...perhaps more so for some types of survivors than others. Certainly one doesn't want to remain in a useless anger loop, but I sure think it's a necessary stage along the way.
Here is the link to my confrontation story in case you haven't seen it and are interested in what that looked like for me...http://malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads...7500#Post327500
Furthermore Wayne, if you're interested in survivors' relationships to their perps, I have written extensively on site about my perp. You can easily find those in my posts, or I can link you if you'd like.
Let me say though how much you are doing the right thing by talking about these very real issues for you here on site.
all the best,